The Hyper-Metabolism Support Group or The Super Love Quest!
II [Oh, and there's some mild shounen-ai at the beginning, I suppose. Depends on how you read it.]
*

"Yuki, other people need to eat, too, you know," Touya spoke, a sweatdrop forming on his forehead as he tried to hide his embarrassment at his companion's cheerful shoveling of food onto his plate. "I mean, I understand this whole eat-five-times-my-natural-body-weight thing you have going on, but still. That Lina woman looks like she's going to attack you if you take the last melonball."

"Nonsense, To-ya!" Yukito replied as cheerfully as he was shoveling. With his usual disarmingly sweet smile, he motioned with his fork at a determined looking young girl with somewhat short brown hair in two small odangos. "Miaka-san has eaten twice as much as I have! And Lina-san is such a nice, pretty woman, I'm sure she won't be angered."

"TWICE?" Touya gaped, stunned into silence at the mere *thought* of anyone being able to eat more than his lover.

"Hai!" nodded Yukito, eyes turning up in a smile behind his glittering glasses. "Twice!"

(Meanwhile, in the background, Lina Inverse -- Bandit Killer, One Whom Dragons Fear, sole being to survive possession by the Lord of Nightmares, and destroyer of not ONE, but - count 'em, folks - TWO Mazoku lords -- preened herself, looking for all the world like she'd just been given Redbeard's treasure trove. "Pretty!" she gushed, clasping her hands before her chest and her ruby eyes turning into ruby hearts. "What a wonderful man!"

Eh, too bad for her, ne?)

"Twice?" Touya repeated, unable to find any other words that could express his disbelief, shock, and suddenly reordered universe. "Not…humanly…possible…" His eyes took a certain dazed look.

"Oi, To-ya-chan, are you all right?" Yukito reached out, touching his forehead.

"Daijoubu?" he asked after a moment, worry creasing his light brow. "Daijoubu? Daijoubu?"

"Iie! My food! Minemineminemine!"

Yukito turned momentarily to see Miaka - who he had had such a pleasant conversation with earlier about whether or not chocolate was an independent food group - engaging what appeared to be a seven-year old boy in a caveman's outfit with a giant slab of rock tied to his back and a tiny blue dinosaur in some freestyle form of martial arts. "Nani?" he murmured, wrinkling his silver eyebrows together and absentmindedly lifting a pretzel-stick off his overloaded plate and nibbling at it. "What are they doing?"

"I need food to fight Petra Fina!" the boy hollered, and the stone-slab (to Yukito's amazement) chorused: "My son needs all the food he can get!"

"Food!" was all the dinosaur cried. "Chibimon needs FOOD!"

"Mine!" Miaka snarled protectively, snatching up the wide dish of cupcakes. "Come, Seishi, protect the cupcakes!"

"Oh, Gods, wha' did I do t' deserve this?" one of the huge group of people standing next to her moaned and the tall man with the staff bonked him with the end. "Ow! Chichiri, what th' hell was that fer?"

"Yuki," came the far more familiar voice of Touya from behind him, and Yukito turned back around, smiling again. The dark-haired man blinked as if he was disoriented, then questioned, faintly, "Is this some odd dream?"

"Ah, To-ya-chan," smiled Yukito (he never seems to frown, does he?), "this is no dream!"

"Good," nodded 'To-ya.'

"Mine!"

"Hammer Crush!"

"FOOD!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, how long have you been a member?" Usagi asked brightly, moving behind Amelia in the buffet line. "I obviously just joined today, you know, and I haven't made too many friends here, yet."

"Oh, I've been a member for about a month," Amelia responded cheerfully. "It's a great deal of fun! We get free food from every major business that isn't somehow controlled by the Mazoku, and we get to meet so many nice people!"

"She means bishounen," Naga added, and Amelia flushed.

"Are you a member, too, Miss Naga?" Usagi quickly speared an egg roll as Amelia stammered something under her breath, face a peculiar shade of beet red.

"Oh, hell no!" the eldest Saillune princess laughed. The lights flickered, the Son family inhaled deeply before the king and prince of the Saiya-jins decked them, several people screamed, and Ashura jumped Ryu again, her hand glowing blue (1).

Ryu, recognizing that certain shade of blue encircling Ashura's hand, panicked, latching onto the legs of a person running pell-mell past them. They being anime characters and this being a world where the laws of physics really don't seem to matter a great deal, Ryu and his unwitting cargo were pulled across the tiled floor in a cloud of dust. (Where the dust came from, only the production crew knows. Good for them!) "IIE!! NOT SHURATO, NOT SHURATO (2)!!" came Ryu's scared-as-hell voice, quickly followed by Ashura saying: "It's okay, Ryu-kun! I was startled, that's all!"

"No offense, Miss Naga," Usagi said in a tight, cornered voice, "but please don't laugh like that. It's very frightening."

Naga sweatdropped and, with a hand behind her head, tittered nervously, managing to not 'OHOHOHO' once. "Ah, gomen nasai," she apologized abashedly, and Lina - who was managing to blush and question Gourry why *he* couldn't say she was pretty and nice at the same time - gasped angrily.

"Oh, so if *I* ask you to not cackle like the evil witch you are," Lina gritted, offended fury gleaming dangerously in her eyes, "you blow me off; but if *she*--" she motioned towards Usagi, who was asking a skittish Amelia if she was all right and if she needed to sit down and have a glass of water "--asks you, you apologize and stop!"

"Well," Naga said pseudo-sweetly, "she isn't a temperamental, small-breasted, untalented child like you, is she?"

"T-temperamental--?" Lina sputtered. "SMALL-breasted--! UNTALENTED?!" With that, she pushed her sleeves up and snarled, opening her mouth to begin the Dragon Slave spell.

"But it's true, Lina-san!" an obnoxious voice suddenly threw in and, just as suddenly, a purple-haired man was launched into the table by the vicious swing of a deadly-looking blunt implement. "Ai, Filia-san, that hurt…" he mumbled through the egg rolls, rice, and sushi smashed into his face.

"Serves you right, namagomi!" a pretty, if dangerous looking, elfin woman snapped, resting her hands on her hips as she stalked up to the group, glaring daggers at the darkly-dressed man as he slowly picked himself up, a dent in his face healing quickly. "I wanted to come support our friends at this event, and you have to be rude, don't you? I can't go anywhere in public with you!" She, in a move that caused Vash the Stampede - who was all the way on the opposite side of the room - to choke on his drink, flipped her skirt up, hooked the weapon onto her garter, and dropped the skirt, smoothing it out. "Baka namagomi!" (3)

The man swiveled around, meticulously brushing foodstuffs off his clothing and lifting the ruby-tipped staff lying on the floor. A tic in his cheek seemed to be working dangerously and it vanished suddenly as he smiled brightly, eyes shut. "But you seem to be the one making a scene, my darling Filia-san! Such a violent, selfish dragon we are!"

"I'll show you!" Filia bellowed, scaring the heck out of Usagi, who clutched onto Amelia's arm. "Stupid Xellos!"

"Amelia, is this a normal occurrence?" Usagi sweatdropped, watching wide-eyed as the Filia woman chased the cheerful-appearing Xellos around the table.

"Hai," the princess sighed. "Unfortunately."

"This is such a weird place," Usagi muttered.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere not so far away, a shadow creature, whom we shall call Shadow Creature for the time being, mainly because I don't want to type any more funky three-letter or four-letter names after the whole history thing I did for my Escaflowne was staring into his…her…its…the glowy-thingy all bad guys have.

"Soon," he/she/it said in a soft, evil voice (because all bad guys either sound like they're on crack/voiced by someone full of themselves/completely evil/sensual/Mickey Mouse on helium), "soon it will be time for my REVENGE!" Shadow Creature waited for a minute, staring into his/her/its glowy-thingy broodingly. The obligatorily crescendo type evil music missed its Q.

"And I shall do it in a horrible way!" added Shadow Creature.

And the band found its Q.

It was a rather lovely Q; found and raised by a tribe of wild mongooses, it was cultured in a way and manner that only one other race seems to utilize: circus midgets. (4) This Q was rare and wondrous, for it could not only do the Hokey Pokey while balancing a banana sticker on its nose, but it could also sing a heartwarming rendition of 'Purple People Eater' that touched the hearts of millions around the world. (And, if you order now at 1-999-PRPLE-MGSE (5), you can get the limited edition "Q's Greatest Hits" compilation album for only $29.99! Hurry now, for this is a limited time offer, and this product is not offered in stores! SorrynochecksorCODs.AnadditionalextravagentfeemustbepaidforS&H.Mustbe18yearsorolderinordertoorder.ResidentsofAlabamaandKentuckyneednotapply.Bepreparedtosellyoursoul!)

Oh, wait. 'Cue.'

Shoot.

*

Ryu-ou: If it's possible, that was even worse than the first chapter.
Ryan: I know. But, hey, Palla-chan *is* an idiot.
Palla-chan: I don't like you either.
Ryu-ou: But on the bright side, she hasn't gotten Usagi to sucker anyone into assisting her in her quest to hook me up with Ashura!
Palla-chan: Wait 'til the next chapter.
Ryan: 'Be prepared to sell your soul'? Palla-chan, have you been in the Juicy-Juice Grape Juice again?
Palla-chan: How'd you figure it out? No, I haven't! [pause] Dang!
Ryu-ou: On second thought, Ryan, maybe 'idiot' isn't strong enough a word for her.

*

Superscripts! (More explanations for things you don't care about!)

(1) "…her hand glowing blue." In the anime/OAVs, at least, Ashura's hand begins to glow blue whenever she summons Shurato. (And, yes, I will refer to Ashura as a 'she' from here-on-out.) When she actually completes the act of summoning Shurato, a bright pillar of blue light shoots out of her palm and forms into the glass sword.

(2) "'IIE!! NOT SHURATO, NOT SHURATO!!'" In RG Veda Tankoubon IX (or Nine, for you non-Roman-numerals people), Dark Ashura runs Ryu-ou through with Shurato, effectively killing him. So it's understandable the poor guy is panicking.

(3) "'Baka namagomi!'" The whole Xellos/Filia interaction thing here was a slight hint at them being an item. I do happen to be a Xel/Fil fan, y'know. :]

(4) "…circus midgets." This is actually an obscure salute to one of my favorite Xel/Fil fics, BattleJoy W's "Slayers: Guardian" series. If you have the time, go read it. It is HILARIOUS.

(5) "…1-999-PRPLE-MGSE,…" The 'PRPLE-MGSE' part stands for 'Purple Mongoose' the first half of my pen-name in this account. ;] Yeah, a me salute. I have to have at least this one, you know!

*

Usagi: Character development.
Scary Lawyer Dudes: So, should we give you the charges now or later?
Ryu-ou&Ashura: And you write this stuff why?
All Other Characters: PLOT!!
Palla-chan: Sheesh. Be grateful! I slave my butt off for this?!

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