Friday, September 9th
So I was sitting in study hall getting ready to start reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince when Lauren yelled in my ear, "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!"
Yes. What a nice way to start off my day and a new journal. Unlike the last one (which Ms. Abram gave me as an outlet for my "anger issues") this one isn't pink with a goddamn glitter unicorn on the cover. It's black and sophisticated. Like if Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow had a journal this is what it would look like.
I haven't written much over the summer since a lot of stupid shit happened that I would rather not talk about. All I can say is that Mike Newton is not the nice guy I thought he was, but in fact, an asshat with stupid hair. How could I have thought that relationship was going to last? He's an asshat! Clever, sophisticated, Gwyneth-esque women like me shouldn't date asshats who cancel dates because Walker Texas Ranger is on.
"But Jess!" Mike had said in his defense. "Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!"
So I broke up with him. He didn't cry like I wanted him to. He just said alright and went back to eating his Fritos.
I didn't cry either. Only a little bit. It was an accident.
Mike wasn't a good boyfriend anyway. He only bought me the chocolates with coconut in them and he knows I'm allergic.
Anyway, back to study hall.
Lauren had gotten her hair cut really short over the break because this sleazy "modeling agent" guy told her to. Now whenever I look at her all I can think of is Lauren looks like a lesbian (no offense…my aunt Erika is a lesbian which pisses half my family off already, but not me because I'm totally for gay marriage, etc.). Plus her left eye was twitching which was fucked up.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked.
"My contact fell out when I was spoiling juicy plot twists," Lauren said.
"You wear contacts?"
"Since, like, the fourth grade."
I refused to help because she already ruined by dreams and I was feeling depressed because Edward Cullen never returned my mechanical pencil I let him borrow last period. It had a really cute heart shaped cap eraser that I think he threw in the garbage to avoid further embarrassment. There was a rumor going around school that Edward like to look at guys in the showers.
I don't believe this because the other day I SWEAR TO GOD he was checking out Audrey's fun bags (if you know what I mean).
"Whatever," Lauren said, giving up the search. "It's not like I need to see. Helen Keller can't see and she's doing fine."
"You are the stupidest person I have ever met," I said.
"The old Lauren would have given you a roundhouse kick to the face," Lauren said."But the new Lauren, who is also a model, is just going to let that slide."
I sighed. "You're not a model."
Then some guy came over and said, "Lauren, is this your contact? It was on the bottom of my boot."
Lauren is acting all high and mighty because of that stupid modeling incident. Really she's just trying to forget about how Tyler dumped her for this surfer girl he met in San Francisco over vacation. I've seen a picture of her and all that she's got going for her is big boobs and hair that doesn't frizz when it's hot outside.
Needless to say, Lauren went into Berserk Mode and cut up her curtains or something dramatic like that. Then she called me in tears, made me rent Waiting to Exhale, and then talked during the entire movie. It was like my own personal Hell.
Speaking of Hell, lunch has turned into this except with a lot more awkward silences. I sit as far away from Mike as I can so that I can't see his stupid hair. But now I have to sit next to Angela and Ben who are one of those couples who don't shut the fuck up.
BEN: Angela, you're so pretty. I don't deserve a girl like you blah blah blah…
ANGELA: Oh shucks, Mr. Cheney. I do declare! You are a gentleman if I ever saw one blah blah blah…
BEN: Oh Angela you're hair is so soft. You look just like Louis Lane blah blah blah….
ANGELA: I do believe I'm catching the vapors! I'm all in a tizzy!
LAUREN: Hey you guys! Pay attention to me! I'm so important! I look like a lesbian!
MIKE: I'm a dickhead blah blah blah Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer! Too bad he's never cried! EVER!
JESUS: IT'S OVER 9,000! (kills everyone with his lightning powers)
If only real life could be like that.
Lately my mother has been doing really weird stuff. Like she got a job at the bank even though she doesn't even know how to do long division. I guess all she does is hand out lollipops to little kids, but it's still messed up. My mom has never held a serious job for more than a week. They fired her from Walgreens because all she did was read magazines. Either we lived off my dad's life insurance (which wasn't a lot to begin with) or I worked at the Newton's store (which I'm sure as hell not doing now since both Mike and Bella are stinking the place up with their suck).
Along with the job, she's got a steady boyfriend who I actually like. For one, he doesn't resemble Don Johnson in any way, shape or form. He's a CPA which should be boring, but one time he got bit by a Komodo dragon which is pretty cool. He lets me call him Ted too. All of mom's other boyfriends ignored me or looked at me like I was Satan's spawn.
And she wears pantsuits now like Hilary Clinton.
I'm proud of her.
But I'm also kind of pissed.
Because my life's made of suck right now while she's out having a good time with cool accountants. If Mike was an accountant maybe I would consider going out with him again. MAYBE.
Mom has noticed my depression and decided to make a cheap mother-daughter moment out of it.
"Are you doing okay, sweetie?" she asked me.
"Sorry," I said. "I can't hear you through my shame spiral."
Mom gave me an awkward one-armed hug. "I know you loved Mike-"
"I never said ANYTHING about love," I said, horrified. "If I ever say I'm in love with Mike Newton please kill me."
"Oh." Mom got all teary eyed which scared me. "My little Jessie is growing up."
"I've been grown-up for a long time," I said. "Ever since I learned where babies come from." Not from a slot machine like I had been told many times before.
"Well if you're feeling down why don't you get a job?" Mom suggested.
Then she ran off to go to Olive Garden with Ted leaving me to wonder why my mother's sex life is so much better than mine.
Sunday, September 11th
So, for once, I listened to my mother and got a job.
I'm babysitting down in La Push every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday for this nice single woman who reminds me of my mom. She's kind of neurotic though which I don't mind. But her house is freakishly clean. I'm scared to touch anything. There's this ancient looking vase that looks like it could fall apart at any moment. I feel like I'm in an episode of Full House.
The girl, Jane, is a real cutie though. I don't normally like kids much. The ones who go to the Jewish Community Center in Port Angeles are little shits. They run around with fucking water guns filled with I-don't-wanna-know.
Jane doesn't even acknowledge me when I'm babysitting her. She just watches Power Rangers or whatever the hell little kids watch on TV. I don't mind Jane. It's the goddamn one year old in the next room I was freaking out about.
Her name's Claire and she's a baby.
Babies are what nightmares are made of. If I hold one I will probably explode. I mean, what if she starts crying or poos or something? Last time I checked "child rearing" was not on my resume. I don't even have a resume.
"Is your sister asleep?" I asked Jane.
"I hope she got kidnapped," Jane said which is really horrible for an older sister to say. Then again, I'm an only child and therefore don't have to deal with acting out for attention (although sometimes it seems like I have to).
"Does she, like, go in her diaper?" I asked.
"Duh," Jane said. "She's a baby."
So then I almost hyperventilated because OH MY GOD WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR? Jane's mom never mentioned a baby on her flier. Or maybe it did and I was only paying attention to the salary end of the deal.
"If Claire shits in her diaper than I'll just call Aunt Emily," Jane said.
"What men's bathroom did you pick that up in?" I asked, stifling back a laugh. Because when little kids swear it's always funny. I dare you to think otherwise.
"Leah says stuff like that all the time," Jane said. "Mommy says she has no 'sense of etiquette'."
I felt safe knowing that Jane had everything under control. Then I was like shouldn't I be the one with the answers? I am almost eighteen. I can almost smoke cigarettes legally.
Claire didn't make a peep the entire time I was there. I went home feeling excellent and motherly. Jane and I played Connect 4 and I let her win every damn time.
It's Dark Outside
Mike called me while I was sleeping (an annoying habit among my "friends)" and was saying stuff like, "Jessica, man. You gotta come out here. Oh, man. There's this mothereffing lake, man! And if you walk in it your pants get all wet."
I started laughing because Mike was so obviously drunk or on smack or something dumb. I wasn't even mad at him for calling me at two in the morning because it was just so damn funny.
"Jess, Jess, Jess," Mike said. "Did you know that Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun?"
"Mike, did you know I don't care?"
"You're so pretty, Jessica." Mike just kept on talking. "If-if you wanted to sleep with me I would be totally okay with it."
"Wouldn't you have to check with Chuck Norris before?" I asked.
"No, man," Mike said. "Chuck Norris is cool with everybody. Because when Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks a chicken."
I hang up.
A/N: There you have it! The first chapter of the But Inside I'm Screaming sequel! As you can probably tell there will be some of the wolf pack showing up (I'm really afraid of what I'm going to do to them xD), especially Leah Clearwater who is one of my favorite characters from the series. I really hope Jess and Leah can bond over their shared hatred of Bella. So thanks for reading and have fun!