A/N: It was just an idea that popped into my head and I thought it would be rather amusing. I know the characters will probably be perceived as out of character (though I personally feel they may have such moments) and perhaps even offensive, but it was all in good fun. I hope it is taken as humorous, that was the intention. Hope you enjoy! : ) Thanks for the lovely reviews and special thanks to Nagen 66 for kindly pointing out my errors and typos : )
Derek Morgan briskly jogged up the stairwell to Aaron Hotchner's office. He planned on dropping off a few files that needed to be signed and heading out for the night. The frenzied laughing coming from behind Hotch's door startled him. He knocked on the door, a surprisingly tentative knock, unsure as to whether he should interrupt or not.
He heard his boss clear his throat before responding, "Come in,"
Morgan opened the door and peeked in unable to mask his curiosity. "Uhh, just some papers for you to sign Hotch," he nodded in acknowledgement at Dave Rossi who was leaning back in the chair in front of Hotch's desk.
"No problem. Just sit them right there and I'll get to them la-" he could barely finish before erupting into more laughter, Rossi quickly following suite.
Morgan was confused; it was very rare that he had seen a smiling Hotch, let alone a Hotch who laughed uncontrollably, especially more recently. "What the hell is going on in here?" the annoyance edging up in his voice.
Rossi and Hoch exchanged a loaded glance before the laughter continued full force now. Rossi's laughing subsided long enough to comment on Hotch's search for an ink pen.
"Who the hell are you kidding Aaron? You ain't signing anything tonight!" he snorted.
Morgan finally zoomed in on the half empty bottle of whiskey and two glasses propped up on the edge of Hotch's desk. "Yeah, no rush on those papers," he snickered shaking his head.
Hotch waved his hands at Morgan in an overdramatic flourish, "Sit down, join us, have a drink-"
"Or five!" Rossi interjected. The two men snickering.
Morgan shrugged and poured him a glass before plopping down on the couch on the other side of the room. The sudden knock at the door made the three men jump, which was a catalyst for more uncontrollable laughter.
Dr. Reid poked his head in "Morgan, I thought you were giving me a ride home!" he protested, slightly annoyed. "Huh, whiskey!" he scurried into the office, pouring him a glass. He scanned the room quickly before making his way to the couch and shoving Morgan aside before slumping down next to him.
"Gee, help yourself kid," Hotch muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"I don't think I've ever seen you drunk before Hotch," Reid noted.
"Me neither come to think of it. I've never seen him laugh so much either," Morgan chimed in.
"I know he's usually so stoic, so rigid, so…"
"Frigid! Straight-laced! Serious! Deadpan?" Morgan offered.
Rossi shook his head at the two and snorted, gulping down more of his drink.
"Alright, are you done Ebony and Ivory?" Hotch quipped, slightly amused by the shock displayed so plainly on Reid and Morgan's faces at the prospect of their boss being sarcastic and humorous.
"Okay this guy; do not let him fool you with that phony placid exterior. Stoic and frigid, ha! Hotch was more like a hell raiser, or smooth, and suave. He used to be a player back in the early days of the BAU. The ladies loved him!" Rossi chortled, pouring himself another drink.
"Really?" Morgan and Reid questioned in unison, Morgan in admiration, Reid in utter surprise.
Hotch shook his head and snorted. "No. I was the flirt, not the player. I didn't do anything. Dave on the other hand was a self proclaimed man whore,"
"I can't deny that," Rossi agreed smugly.
Morgan shook his head in absolute disbelief and Reid sipped his drink a contemplative look on his face.
"I know you can't. You slept with practically every broad in the building. Erin included" Hotch added as a quick aside.
"Wait, I thought you banged Erin! Didn't you have her under the impression that you would leave your wife and you and she would be Aaron and Erin Hotchner?" Rossi teased.
"Hell no, although who could blame her for falling for me?" Hotch raised his eyebrow and grinned, adjusting his collar. "I kindly declined her sexual advances and we agreed to never speak of it again,"
"So that's why she despises you?" Reid asked, leaning back and resting his head against the back of the sofa.
"Hotch shrugged, "Pretty much. But back to Dave here who has dodged the accusation that he slept with Erin Strauss. You did sleep with her right?"
Rossi choked on his drink sputtering whiskey everywhere "Damn Aaron had to pointblank me again did you? Yeah, I slept with her," he added, the last part barely audible.
Morgan shuddered and Reid grimaced.
"Hey I was drunk, and she was hot back then, and I got a thing for blondes!" Rossi snapped responding defensively to Morgan and Reid's reactions. His attempt at defending himself was a rather unsuccessful one, given the fact that Reid and Morgan were still struggling to mask their disgust.
"No kidding, I had to practically call you off of J.J. Didn't want you relapsing into your former ways and trying to mount her to," Hotch mumbled into his glass.
"I didn't plan on it!" Hotch glared at his old friend dubiously. "I mean sure I thought about it but I wouldn't have actually done it! I couldn't help it, she's hot!" Rossi exclaimed. The other three men nodded in agreement. "She's a little too stiff for my taste though, a bit of an Ice Queen, very rigid,"
"Trust me it's all an act," Morgan muttered, his face buried in his glass, only looking up when he felt the three pairs of eyes burning into the side of his face. "I said that out loud didn't I?"
The three men nodded simultaneously.
"You slept with Jennifer?" Reid shrieked a touch of hurt in his voice.
"Relax kid; it was before I knew you liked her. So no 'bros before hoes' rule was broken,"
"I thought you didn't date chicks with guns?" Hotch stared at Morgan feeling a bit overprotective of his blonde agent.
"She's the reason I don't date chicks with guns!" Morgan's voice rose, with just a touch of inexplicable hysteria masked with sarcasm. The others noticed but chose not to comment.
"I don't even want to know," Rossi snickered. "But what about Penelope?"
"What about her?"
"I always thought you were hitting that. The constant flirting, the touchy feely stuff, the sexual innuendos and joking…"
"Baby Girl? Of course not! She's like a sister, sort of. If you go near here though I swear I'll-"
"I won't! Sheesh!" Rossi put his hands up defensively. "Guess the only one squeaky clean here is the kid," he gestured towards Reid.
Reid sunk further into the couch. Up until that point he had been sitting back listening to his colleagues. He was thoroughly amused with his colleagues' conquests and antics. "Oh no leave me out of it!"
Morgan snorted, "Don't buy the innocent act this kid puts off"
"Do tell!" Rossi leaned forward a sparkle of interest in his eye.
"Yeah, I'd like to hear this!" up until that point Hotch had been leaned back in his chair, he suddenly pulled himself forward eagerly anticipating any morsel of info that could be disclosed about his youngest agent.
"Morgan…." Reid warned.
Morgan ignored him. "He spent his last vacation flying to see Lila in L.A, can anyone say booty call,"
"SHUT UP MORGAN!" Reid hissed a surprisingly menacing scowl plastered across his face.
Hotch spit out his drink. "You told me you were going to visit your mother in Vegas!"
"I did!" Reid protested. "Afterwards…" he amended quietly.
Morgan and Rossi no longer able to maintain straight faces doubled over, giggling like schoolgirls. Hotch sat back in his chair, still undeniably astounded. "Well at least you didn't bother to go the interoffice route like some people," he managed, while shooting Morgan and Rossi a disgruntled look.
"Yeah…right," Reid stared at the bottom of his glass, swishing the remains of his drink around. He knew the hesitation in his voice gave him away and it was only a matter of time before he had to look up and face the three sets of probing eyes, that he so aptly felt glaring at him.
"You…did….not?!" Morgan could barely sputter the words out, completely astonished by the revelation.
"Okay, I didn't," Reid shrugged and held his glass out for a refill. Hotch obliged his head slightly inclined, scrutinizing the young agent.
"Who?When?How?" Morgan's voice raised another octave.
"Gee Morgan if I have to tell you how, then you don't live up to your studly reputation,"
"How did I not know about this?"
Reid shrugged again, ignoring Morgan's inquiry.
"Agent Pierce. The chatty red head on Monroe's team?" Hotch fiddled with his glass, speculating. "She always comments on your sweater vests. I can see it, you have some things in common, she clearly likes you and doesn't mind your annoying ramblings, and you don't have to see her everyday…" his voice trailed off as Reid averted his eyes at the last part.
"Oh damn!" Rossi crowed. "You do have to see her everyday?" The older agent leaned forward, beside himself in amusement
Morgan shook his head. "Wait, so it's a team member?Was this recent or... how long ago was this? It wasn't Elle right?"
Reid shook his head. "God no, besides I seen you two making out at that Christmas party one year,"
Hotch's jaw dropped. Rossi grinned sheepishly and Morgan reddened. "Nice try kid but back to the point, Todd?"
Reid rolled his eyes and Rossi grunted.
"So it's someone on the team now," Hotch mused. "Couldn't be JJ, you never had a shot at that. That leaves Emily and Penelope….You slept with Garcia?" Hotch's voice boomed in utter surprise startling the others.
"You couldn't have, you wouldn't have" Morgan argued shaking his head in disbelief.
Reid smirked and leaned back into the couch hiding his face as he gulped down more whiskey.
"He did," Rossi bellowed. "He totally tipped that!"
"Tapped that," Hotch corrected. He shrugged dismissively when the others raised their eyebrows in wonder at the mature man's comprehension of the youthful sexual vernacular.
"My wrong," Rossi chirped.
"My bad," Hotch coughed correcting Rossi once more.
"You slept with my baby girl?" Morgan fought back the urge to punch his pseudo bro right in his smug face.
"She isn't yours Morgan. Possessive much? She's a beautiful, intelligent woman, and she came on to me, hell, she seduced me. I merely obliged, it's hard to say no to her…" his voice trailed off.
"Here's to you Mrs. Robinson" Rossi and Hotch muttered at the same time, laughing hysterically when they realized they had made the same joke.
"I don't believe it," Morgan muttered.
"There's a reason she occasionally calls me her bitch"
Morgan's eyes narrowed before he lunged at Reid. Reid ducked out of the way laughing.
"Settle down children" Rossi's reprimand was followed with a wink directed at Reid and him mouthing conspicuously "I knew you had it in you," Morgan shook his head at Rossi's attempt at being subtle and finished off his drink. Rossi and Hotch snickered.
"Wait, how did you know it wasn't Prentiss?" Reid stared at Hotch waiting for a response.
"She would have told me,"
"Why would she do that?"
"I slept with her after my separation," Hotch replied straight-faced. Rossi, Morgan, and Reid gawked at their leader. "I'm just kidding! We didn't sleep together…we did kiss once though," he added as an aside.
Before anyone could respond they were distracted by Rossi's phone going off. He glanced at it before awkwardly standing up. "Well, uhh, boys gotta go!"
"Who is that calling you at this hour?" Hotch raised his eyebrow and reached for Rossi's phone.
"None of your damn business!" Rossi pulled his phone back out of Hotch's reach. Hotch winked at Reid who had crept up behind Rossi. Reid snatched the phone out of his hand eyeing the caller id, before Rossi grabbed it back.
"JORDAN TODD?" Reid shrieked his eyes wide.
Hotch and Morgan both choked on their drinks and stared at the other two men.
"She likes older men, and she has a thing for Italian," Rossi wiggled his eyebrows before grabbing his jacket and bolting out the door. "Later boys!" he threw over his shoulder as he hurried down the stairs.
"I expect an explanation!" Hotch called after him. He glanced at Reid and Morgan, both still in awe, and with that the three fell to the floor in laughter.