He laid down with her that night, made love to her that was fueled by his grief, and her desire to comfort him, it was tender and loving, soft and gentle, and so right and so wrong.
Dinner that night sat heavily on Dean's stomach, and she tried to ignore the fact that every single muscle he had was taught with sadness and anger when she caressed his chest.
"What are you going to do?" she asked finally, softly, the moonlight kissing Dean's skin and creating an ethereal glow around him. Dean swallowed hard, licked his lips, and struggled to find the answers, answers that he didn't have, answers that were so tied up in anger, hurt, and loss, it was difficult to truly know what they were.
"I promised Sam." He said softly. And that was the truth, it was the only truth he knew, it was the only thing he knew for certain, because everything else was all mixed up in his head, mixed up in his heart, and everything hurt, his heart, his head, his body, everything.
"Promised him?" She asked propping herself on an elbow, making sure not to lose contact with him.
"Promised him that I would come here." He admitted. "Promised that I would try to live the apple pie life that I have always thought was never in the cards for me. He made me promise to be happy."
"That's what family wants for each other doesn't it? Don't they want you to be happy?"
"Then…" she paused struggling for the words. Selfishly she wanted this man to obey his brother's promise, wanted him to stay here, be the man she always dreamed he could be, the lover he could be, the father she always dreamed he could be. "Then, why are you so sad?"
"My apple pie life always had Sam. Always. My happy was having you and Ben, and then my brother living next door with a girl of his own and children. When I dreamed of apple pie, that's what I had." Lisa had nothing to say. What could she say? She didn't pretend to understand the bond Dean had with his brother, and she sensed she shouldn't question, shouldn't make light of this indescribable love he had for his little brother.
"Tell me about Sam." She said finally.
Dean hesitated. There was so much he could say about his little brother, so many stories he could share that would illustrate what kind of man he was. However, only one thing came to mind. "My brother sacrificed himself the world could keep turning, and so people could keep on living. My brother died trying to make amends for something he was forced into doing, for something that technically I started. My brother is a hero." She snuggled closer into his chest, wrapping her arms around his body.
"I wish I had been able to get to know him."
"You would have liked Sammy. Everyone loved Sammy. Even when we were little, people would gravitate to his smile, his puppy dog eyes, his aww shucks demeanor." Dean gave a small chuckle. "Boy, they so didn't have to live with him. He had a temper." A tear fell down Dean's face. "But he always tried to be bigger than his failings, always tried to be a better man." Lisa knew where Sam got all of those qualities. Dean had them in spades. "I just wish that I could have told him that I loved him, that I was proud of him, that I didn't want him to die---something….anything, just wish that I had said something before he…before he…." Dean pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and bit down trying desperately to keep the sadness at bay. "before he died." He finally finished.
Lisa didn't patronize him and tell him that Sam probably knew, that wouldn't be received well, she could feel it. Dean didn't' need platitudes, he needed someone to listen, someone to comfort him, not offer him false hope, lies, and probablys.
"You aren't going to stay are you Dean?" She asked knowing the answer without his response.
"I don't think I can." And with his answer her heart sunk just a little.
"Even for Sam?"
"Because of Sam. I can't let him…I can't leave him…I can't…it's who I am."
"You really think you can get him back?"
"I don't know, but I have to try. I have to. He's my brother. He's my family." Lisa understood. If she lost Ben she would do everything she could to get him back, and if she knew the things that Dean knew, odds were pretty good she wouldn't be sitting in Dean's arms, she would be out there doing whatever she could, sacrificing everything she had to make sure her son was back in her arms.
The bright sunlight gleaming through the window woke Lisa up, when she turned she found that Dean was gone, and she wasn't surprised. What did surprise her was the note that was placed on the pillow next to hers.
Thank you for last night. Tell Ben I said 'see ya later'. I wish I could stay, but I can't. I have to find him, I have to find my brother. Screw promises, screw destiny, screw heaven and hell, my brother is more important than all of it. And I have to get him back.
She sighed, looked the paper, let it fall into her lap, and she heaved another closed eyed sigh and said, "God help you Dean, I hope you find your brother."