Hello my lovely readers.
This is an extended one-shot form my chapter 2 "THE END" of my story "Unbearable Edward POV of New Moon".
I didn't post it with the story because in the first site I "published" it, someone very dear told me that it was extremely similar to another story so, I edited it a bit and ended as it was posted in the multiple-chapter story. But after searching exhaustively in the site I didn't find the other author so I thought it was worth the shot.
I'd like to add that English isn't my native language, so I apologize for any spelling, grammar or any other mistake that I surely made but it was unintentionally.
Thank you for reading and hope to have some reviews!
DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. IF I DID JACOB WOULD'VE BEEN A DOG OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I went home to change clothes, dreading the choice I had made, but knowing it was the best I could do to save my beautiful Bella from me and this awful fate.
When I got home everyone was there, waiting for me.
"Edward I…." Jasper began but I didn't let him finish.
I needed to tell them my plan before I changed my mind, and that could happen extremely fast.
"I´ve decided it'll be best if all of us leave town" I rushed. "I know that I'm asking you much more than I deserve, but this is not for me, it's for Bella's sake. We've already hurt her enough" I finished in a pained whisper.
"Edward if this is for what happened last night I swear that I didn't mean…" Jasper started again but I cut him off before he got too far.
"I know… it's not your fault" I assured him softly "None of yours. But I think what happened last night, is proof enough that I shouldn't be around her any more. Not if I don't want her get harmed in any way" I barely finished because I couldn't breathe. "This hurt so much…"
"Edward I already told you… you can't leave…" Alice babbled desperate, her eyes pleading with me.
"I WILL, ALICE. STOP HASSLE ME! I FEEL BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO COME AND BOTHER ME…" I yelled in pain, choking up as my soul broke down even more.
"Edward, son, stop it" Carlisle said firmly but lovingly, placing a calming hand on my shoulder, all of them witnessing my heart break. "And we will do as you want. How much time do you need?" He said even though he thought what I was doing was wrong.
"We all will be leaving of course, I'll just stay for a few days to say good bye to Bella…. And we should never come back, at least until she´s gone, for her own good" Then I couldn't keep talking; I crossed the room and sat down heavily on a chair, suddenly feeling very tired and weak.
"Ok Edward I'll do what you want but I'm sure that this is NOT going to last." Alice thought angrily, she was the only one thinking openly of how wrong I was "It will kill both of you. This is immature and a complete nonsense…"
"Stop it Alice, please" I begged for what felt like the thousandth time tonight. "I can't bear it. I just need you to do this, for me, and NOT spy in her future, please"
"Ok Edward, don´t worry I'll do as you ask" She said condescendingly out loud, but her thoughts were another thing "But I warn you now, when you finally realize that you can't be away and come back, I'll come back too!" "When do we have to leave? Can I say good bye to her?" She pleaded.
"I'd prefer if you didn't. I don't want to cause her more pain than necessary"
"Yea right" Alice thought sarcastically.
"It will be the best if you leave as soon as you can" I finished crushed; empty of anything more than pain and desperation and memories of my happiest moments by my love's side.
"Today's evening then. I'll have to arrange things at the hospital" Carlisle concluded while thinking "Don't be sorry for us son, we owe you"
"We need to figure out where we'll go" My father wondered out loud. "What will be the story?" He asked me gently.
"You received a better job offer in L.A." I lied easily. "We're moving there because you can't leave your family behind. But of course you can go elsewhere" I added quickly, not wanting them to think I was telling them what to do, not anymore that I already had.
"Are you coming with us?" Esme thought hopelessly.
"No! I will leave elsewhere" I told her quickly, the thought of being with them feeling as miserable as I felt –or even more - seemed wrong, they too deserved happiness. "I have a few things to do. But I'd keep in contact with you, I promise" I rambled. Then I ran up to my room, changed my clothes and went to school.
While I waited for Bella, I realized that this was bound to be hard, but then again I had to do it.
When she arrived to the parking lot she looked bad: there was worry and sadness and pain all over her sweet face. Taking a deep breath I walked closer to her, just as I did every morning. Knowing that I had a role to play from now on, so she could believe me latter when I told her that I didn't love her any more…
"How do you feel?" I whispered in her ear, taking in as much of her sweet scent as I could.
"Perfect" She lied to me, I knew; and she knew that I knew but both of us decided to ignore it.
I just stared at her, enjoying my last moments with her, drowning in the deep pools of her eyes.
The day went on the same painful way: I spoke very little to her, limiting to ask her about her arm exclusively when I saw she was in pain; but I could also tell that she was in pain for my silence and that was killing me. "I really, really don't want to do this…"
"Later?" I asked as surprise and hurt laced my voice when she asked me to go to her house at night instead of right then.
"I have to work" She said slowly, watching me briefly "I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off"
"Oh" Was my brilliant answer, finally realizing what she meant.
"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" She asked again hopefully, making sure I'd be there.
I hated the doubt that filled her voice. It almost made me to give up right then and there, almost.
"If you want me to" I said emotionless –or at least I hoped so- but inside I was dying slowly.
"I always want you" She reminded me softly.
"All right, then" I said indifferently.
Kissing her forehead I closed her door and walked away, straight to my car. The pain was all consuming. I hated myself for hurting her like this. I was dying to go and comfort her, to hold her tight in my arms and make her feel safe and loved again. But I knew that by doing so, she would end up dead or worst, condemned to an endless life; and even though she asked me to do it about a hundred times before, she couldn't know what she was asking for. I knew she didn't want this, didn't deserve it. "I don't deserve her, I am a monster".
"Oh God! Why are you doing this to me?" I said lowly, feeling deep pain and despair consuming me "First you bring her to me and now you're taking her away! Please, if there's a better solution let me know and stop my misery, HER misery" I prayed knowing this was meaningless, but I didn't know what else to do. Then, when I was calmer I started the car and drove home.
When I got closer to my house I heard the thoughts of my family, all of them full of sadness and pity for me. Jasper was even planning ways to convince me to stay. He couldn't conceive a world without Alice and he knew that I was suffering even more than that, because I was really feeling it not imaging it. I was actually losing my beloved one.
I didn't want to face them so I did what I used to do at the very beginning- when I realized that I loved her but I couldn't be with her. I ran, ran looking for oblivion, to find some sort of strength, of determination; but I could only find sorrow and despair, and nothing else. It felt as if my world was meaningless. My whole existence without my sweet angel was meaningless.
Hours later, I realized with a start that it was almost time for her to finish her shift, and I really wanted to be with her these last few instants. So I went for my car and drove to her house.
When I arrived, her dad was the only one there. That was better, that way I could play my role without regret. I got out of the car, knocked at the Swan's front door and after a few seconds a lethargic Charlie invited me in. Then I waited for her "watching" TV with her dad.
When I heard her steady heart beat minutes later, I couldn't help but smile a little. But as I heard her truck parking outside I drained my face of every emotion, preparing myself to act coldly with my sweet Bella. Then, she came in.
"Hi" She said in a weak but calm voice.
That almost made me almost lose my façade, but I endured it. "Do it for her". I told myself.
"Hey Bella" Said Charlie happily, completely unaware of what was about to happen. Surely he would hate me for what I was about to do. "We just have cold pizza. I think it's still on the table"
I heard her standing in her spot, waiting for me I thought. Taking a deep breath, I rechecked the control I had over my emotions and turned around.
"I'll be right behind you" I told her and turned straight back to the TV.
The sound of her breath hitching and heart speeding, send a pang of pain through my body. But my decision stood still and won. She went to the kitchen, and in that moment I was grateful for the very first time that I couldn't hear her thoughts.
Bella sneaked up to her room and when she got back, she held the camera in her hands. She took a few pictures of her father and herself, and some of the both of us together while I fought with myself to stay strong. And when the silence and the sad look in those beautiful chocolate-brown eyes became unbearable, I made my exit.
My house was empty now – they all had already left –, so I had no reason to stay. I left the car by the driveway and ran to our meadow for the last time.
What was once my sanctuary, a place to relax and have my mind for my own, was now a place to cry my pain, to left myself drown in the despair I felt. I cursed and screamed, ran and almost cried – though it was impossible for me. Because I was a monster! A monster that didn't deserve love! And much less the love of someone as beautiful and pure as Bella.
When the sun began to rise I made my way back to the house. I changed my clothes one more time, took my Volvo and went to the school for the very last time.
Just like the day before I tried to ignore my lovely Bella, and as impossible as that might seem, it hurt more than the day before. I watched her every then and now, when I thought she didn't see me and, at some point, I felt that this love for her was getting bigger and stronger. That's when I found last bit of determination that I so desperately needed. I realized that if I loved her this much I would and could do anything for her, even if it killed me.
As the school day ended, I knew the time had come
I walked her to her truck, with my heart in my hand. Dying slowly at the perspective of what was about to happen but determined to do it; to give her the greatest gift that love can give: freedom
"Her happiness for my pain!"
"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked quietly letting – for the first time since that dreadful day – my love and adoration for her show in my face.
"Of course not" Her voice was hopeful and full with the same love that she professed for me since the very beginning.
"Focus! Do it for her!" I reprehended myself.
"Now?" I asked again, opening the door for her.
"Sure" She said, trying to seem calm and sure, and not accomplishing it at all. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there"
I saw the envelope at the passenger seat and reached for it, trying unsuccessfully to ignore her warm, soft body.
"I'll do it" I said lightly, and then I saw an opportunity to be playful for the last time. "And I'll still beat you there" I smiled her favorite crooked smile teasingly, trying to encourage her.
"Okay" Was her only reply.
I went to my car bracing myself for what I had to do and, as I drove to her house –after delivering the package for her mom to the mailbox- I prepared some sort of 'speech' to tell her. Somewhere in between I realized something vital, something I should have thought of from the very beginning: she wouldn't believe me.
"This is useless! She won't believe me! I'll have to lie to her for hours and even then she won't believe that I don't love her anymore!"
I arrived to her house way faster than her so I went in and up to her room. In a very childish act, I collected all of the things that Bella could have to remember me in any way, and hid them under one of her loose floorboards. I knew this was wrong but, truth being told, I wanted her to have something from me even though she would never know: I would promise her no reminders.
"Her faith in me won't let her believe me. She would remind me of all the times I professed my love for her!"
My mind kept telling me that over and over as I walked back to my car – she didn't need to know I was in her house. This was a complication I hadn't anticipated before and was sure to destroy me. I wouldn't be able to stand it and I would surrender and give up to her, I would stay.
I heard her truck arriving and forced myself to do it.
"You have to convince her! If you don't, she will end her human life as soon as she can!"
That last thought gave me the strength that I needed, the last push. I got out of the car and went for her, taking her bag pack and putting it back on the truck.
"Come for a walk with me" I suggested in an unemotional voice. Taking that soft, sweet hand of hers in mine, feeling that alluring warmth for the last time, guiding her towards the forest for the final blow.
I pulled her along, towards the east side of her back yard where the forest encroached, after a few steps into it I stopped. We were barely off the trail, so she could see the house and wouldn't get lost. I leaned against a tree and stared at her.
"Okay, let's talk" She sounded braver than she seemed.
I took a deep breath and began the lie, played my last role with her, for her.
"Bella, we're leaving" I said coldly.
"Why now? Another year…" She stuttered, not knowing what was going on.
"Bella, it's time" I interrupted "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless" The confusion on her face stopped me, making me curious.
Suddenly, as I stared at her as coldly and as indifferently as I could, realization seemed to hit her and her soft pale-skin took a faint, green tinge.
"When you say we…" She whispered breathing heavily.
"I mean my family and myself" I said slowly, separating each word in an effort to make them believable, to keep my voice under control.
"Okay. I'll come with you" She said stubbornly, not wanting to accept what I was implying.
"Oh god! Please kill me". I begged silently.
I thought this was the beginning of her not believing my lies and me having to throw lie after lie at her.
She was so brave, so confident, so lovely… Bella didn't care about herself and was about to made her life, her humanity aside to be with me.
"You can't, Bella" I said more firmly than I intended, and I didn't even know where it came from but it made me sound more real, more sure of myself. "Where we're going… It's not the right place for you" Because no place near me is right for her.
"Where you are, is the right place for me" She insisted, pleading me with her eyes.
"I can do it, I can do it. Bella deserve a life". I chanted over and over again in my head, hoping not to lose it and ruin everything.
"I'm no good for you, Bella" I said truthfully, she was too good for me.
"Don't be ridiculous" An edge of hysteria was present in her voice now "You're the very best part of my life" She pleaded, truth ringing in her every word.
"My world is not for you" I said grimly, trying to focus, not to give in.
"What happened with Jasper–that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" Tears where visible in her eyes now, even though no one was spilled, yet.
"You're right" I said blackly, remembering how she almost died; the reason we were here, of why I was about to break her beautiful heart. "It was exactly what was to be expected" I concluded, wishing I could believe it.
But I couldn´t risk this precious girl, my precious girl.
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay…" She begged once more, reaching for me with her voice, her eyes.
"As long as that was best for you" I interrupted, reminding her of my exact words.
The deep sadness in her eyes, in her voice and body were pushing me beyond my limits. I needed to get this done with, because I didn't think I was able to handle the situation much longer.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She said suspiciously, her last attempt to understand; to make me change my mind. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you–it's yours already!" She said wildly, desperately.
I wished I could do it: take her soul and make it mine. I had to breathe deeply… she seemed to be in so much pain. She kept begging me to stay with her, no matter where I went…
I looked down because I knew that if I saw those beautiful eyes again while saying what I was about to say, I wouldn't be able to say it. Because there was only one way left now, the only way. It would be mean and it would hurt her in more than one way, but I had to do my best to convince her.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me" I said as coldly and as surely as I could.
She had to believe me at once because I couldn't repeat such a horrible blasphemy. Each word burned my mouth like acid, unwillingly getting out. Always staring at her face, making sure my words were understood, but never looking into her eyes.
"You… don't… want me?" She said brokenly.
"No" And then right there, with that single word; I broke the heart, soul and the very last tie that bound me to my perfect angel.
She stared into my eyes and I braced myself for her fight, for that passionate fire that I was sure would break my resolve and make me say the truth, would make me stay.
"Well, that changes things" She said finally.
The fire was lost in her eyes and her voice sounded so calm that I was surprised, maybe even hurt. But when I studied her face closely, I realized that she hadn't understood completely the meaning of what I had just said; I knew I had succeeded.
I needed to say something though. It was important to me; I wanted to give her one last gift even if she never knew. It was burning in my chest. I looked away from her and let go for a moment my façade…
"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way" I said looking away, love lacing my voice if only a little.
The words were truthful in every way that they could be, because she would always be my love, my only love
"But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change" I got back to lying, dreading my next few words "Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human" –"Oh! So painfully true"- "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that"
Surely she would never know how sorry I was. And not for loving her, I could never be sorry for that; but because of hurting her over and over again thanks to my selfishness, to mi desire for be with her.
"It's my fault, always my fault!"
"Don't" Her voice just a whisper, finally realizing what I meant "Don't do this" She repeated sadly.
And all I could do was stare at her, regretting every ounce of her pain; a pain that was entirely my fault.
"You're not good for me, Bella" The lie slipped from my lips without my noticing.
"Ah! What a lie! She will always be too good for me, too precious, too lovely."
"If… that's what you want" She stammered.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much" I said before I could think of it, my instinct to protect her kicking in even after hurting her so much. Losing the indifferent front I had played, showing briefly all the pain and despair I had inside.
"Anything" She vowed.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid" I ordered, putting all my hope and faith in this thought.
Then I did something I had successfully avoided until that very moment. I looked deeply into her eyes, releasing all the intensity I could muster. -"Just to be sure…"- "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She only nodded, but I knew she really had understood, I saw the truth in her eyes as clear as the pain and the damage I had done.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself -for him" I finished, feeling my heart crumbled into tiny pieces.
"I will" Was all she said, but I knew that using her father had already given her some strength, something to keep going on until she forgot all about me and the pain I had caused her.
"And I'll make you a promise in return" I said flatly. There was nothing less in me "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed"
Bella didn't answer, but the reactions of her body made me nervous. She had kept her calm all along until now, until this very moment when she started shaking badly, heart beating faster and breathing getting shallow.
"She needs to calm down!"
"Don't worry" I said quickly. "You're human; your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind"
"And your memories?" She asked a little more lively. Perhaps even hopeful.
"Well" I hesitated for half a second, not knowing what to say. If I didn't choose my words carefully she would have hope for us being back together someday. "I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted" I lied once more.
"I will never, ever forget this few months with the most beautiful thing that crossed my life. And I will always thank fate for giving me the chance of falling in love for this awesome person, and for her of loving me back. It has been more than I could ask for!" I thought to her, hoping that one day she could see, understand and forgive me.
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again" I said as I took a couple of steps away from her.
"Alice isn't coming back" She said softly, surprising me since she seemed so broken.
I looked back at her and shook my head no, always watching her face. Hoping she wouldn't collapse in front of me because if she did I would give up, I would stay with her.
"No. They're all gone" I said slowly, carefully "I stayed behind to tell you goodbye"
"Alice is gone?" She asked surprised; sorrow and anger ringing in her voice, betrayal and pain showing in her face.
"Doesn't she understand?" I thought worried, thinking that maybe I should have let them say goodbye after I left... after all they were friends.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you" I explained simply. Then I said my final words ever to her. "Goodbye, Bella" And I died as soon as they left my mouth. "Wait!" She cried, extending her arms to me, offering me home and forgiveness and love.
But I took her by the wrist and placed them at each side of her, refusing her invitation, pushing her away once more.
Leaning down, I pressed my lips against the hot skin of her beautiful face for the last time, my last goodbye.
"Take care of yourself" I breathed, filling my lungs with her luscious scent for the last time. Then I ran away, no looking back.