Disclaimer:
-----------
The Characters used in this fanfic are owned by AIC and Pioneer. I
did the writing, so PLEASE do not use it for profit, or claim it as
your own. It is a story for those that enjoy the Tenchi Universe (the
goods and the bads) as much as I do. Thanks to all the people that
read it, and helped me with the things I wasn't sure of, and of
course, Dav, Cav, and K'T for their opinions when I asked them for
them. Final note: sake' is the drink sake, but the accent is there to
differentiate it from the word "sake" as in: "For your sake, I hope you
are wrong."

Enjoy.



Kimochi
-------

Date: 11/17

I cannot believe that my self-control is beginning to weaken like this.
My thoughts each day have become so absorbed with them, that they seem
to have taken all of my attention, and my schoolwork is starting to suffer
immensely as a result.

I'm afraid that Ryouko or Aeka would find and read these thoughts
I am transcribing to paper, even though (thankfully!) the only other
person that can read English is Washu. Fortunately, she has been too
busy recently with her experiments to be too nosey, or to even think
of me as a guinea pig! Now, all I have to do, is find a way to sort
out what my feelings really are..

When did I fall in love? I know this isn't a simple question to be
answered, but I think that it is the whole point of my problem: I have
fallen in love, and it has taken me this long to admit it.

Ryouko is always in my heart, though I didn't know until recently
how much so. My first tangible memory of her is that of the demon I met
in the cave. My second memory of her isn't that pleasant, either.
She came to my school, and tried to kill me, but enough of that, for now.

When did it change? When did I go from fearing her, to being afraid I
would lose her? I still get scared sometimes, when I wake up with her
looking into my face as I awaken. Thank Heaven it only happens when I have
the nightmare of losing everyone I ever cared for to Kagato. He's dead,
and I feel no remorse for killing him. I hope he's simmering slowly on
the lowest levels of Hell.

My thoughts are always centered on Ryouko in one way or the other.
She makes life an adventure, and her zest for life is highly infectious.
She hides behind her bravado and selfishness, but I know better. She can
be extremely tender and kind when she lets her guard down. I wish I
could see it more often, but she clings to her defenses so hard, that
it's impossible to get her to show anyone who she really is, even with
her bonding to Zero. Aeka and her have more in common than either would
ever want to believe.

Maybe my feelings for Ryouko changed when I discovered that she was the
mysterious hand that had comforted me soon after my mother's death. I had
stopped crying, because the touch was so gentle and reassuring, so like
my mother's that I had believed it was her hand comforting me and letting me
know that everything would be all right. If it hadn't been for me
eavesdropping in on her talking in her sleep, I would probably still not know
that she was the one there for me all those times.

I couldn't understand my fascination with that cave when I was younger,
even before Mother died. There was something about that cave that always
made me feel like I was loved and safe, and someone was watching over me. I
never believed Grandpa's story about the demon that lived in the cave, mostly
because a demon is an evil, heartless creature that thrives on pain and
anguish, and I NEVER felt that when I went to the cave. Ever. I think my
obsession with the cave came from the need to prove Grandpa wrong. It seemed
I never did, though; somehow he knew all about it, and let me get the keys to
the cave, so I could free her.

I would give almost anything to see Aeka and Ryouko get along better
than they do now, but I fear that in doing so, I'd lose the things that
made me love each of them for who they are.

Now for the second part of my problem: Aeka. I remember the first time
I saw the crown princess: She was REALLY mad, and almost vaporized the house!
I know that she thought I was Ryouko's partner in crime, but her anger flares
so, because she represses her emotions until she can release them as indignant
rage. The second time I saw her, she was trying to kill me for sneaking into
her room as I tried to get the Tenchi-ken back from her as she slept. She can
be so frustrating at times, even more so than her cyan-tressed nemesis,
because she holds her emotions in, right to the point of bursting. Such a
situation is very unhealthy for those caught in it. I think that, if Ryouko
wasn't around for Aeka to vent her emotions out on, she'd end up like her
father. I hope that never happens.

Aeka, I wish I could get you to come out of the shell that you have hidden
yourself inside of. You hardly ever smile, and it pains me to see you hold
back on your true feelings. I'm not asking you to become Ryouko, nor would I
ask her to become you. Rather, I would like to see her show a little bit of
emotional restraint, as I would like to see you be a little less restrained
with your emotions.

When you choose to smile, it is an image as beautiful as a sunrise, but
much rarer in comparison. I think about how sure you are about what you
are and who you are, that it surprises me that you let your father decide
who is to be your husband, or how you should behave. Shouldn't you have the
right to decide yourself? I think that is what angered me so much about him
when he was here; he had chosen someone so unlike you to be your suitor.

Seriyo was the biggest fop I have ever seen. I swear that your father
must have been scraping the bottom of the nobility barrel, to even consider
him!

Who knows? Maybe this is EXACTLY why your father chose him; since he
was such a fop, he might have known that you would have turned him into a
throw-rug the first instance he showed any backbone. Maybe he had this
planned, in order to get Yosho angry enough to marry you. I just don't know.
I shall have to think about this a little bit more.

How can I compare you to Ryouko, or vice-versa? I cannot, so I am not even
going to try. Aeka, I find myself always taken away by your beauty and grace.
Each movement you make is as flowing as a river, yet there is no wasted motion.
Your quick mind and cleverness has kept me from making a fool of myself too
many times to count, and I always find myself at ease whenever we are
alone together, because of your warmth and kindness.

Because of you, Aeka, I fear to say the one word I want to say to you or
Ryouko. If I say it, I don't know how you would interpret it, or react to it.
I don't want you to hurt Ryouko, or to be hurt yourself, if I was to confess
my heart to either one of you before telling the other how I truly feel.
Can't you see it's a dilemma I just can't seem to find my way out of? I
thought of telling you both at the same time, but things would go on as
before, without either of you believing how I feel. I know it, and the
thought of having our lives staying the same scares me. I know I have said
in the past, that I wouldn't want to change anything, and I know I stated
that I want things to stay as they are, but I think that this desire is
slowly waning with each day.

I really must be losing my mind. Why am I writing as if Aeka and Ryouko
are ever going to see these words? It's not like they would ever see this,
so I guess I should stop worrying about that possibility.

I'm amazed at how much I have written so far. I was expecting a little
bit of writing to look back on, but, as I read this, things have become
clearer with each bit of my heart that I pour into this journal.

I feel a little better, now; stronger. I can say now that, after all
of this time, after all of the pleas and demands from everyone that I
choose someone, I have finally come to a decision.

I have chosen not to choose one over the other.

I love them with all my heart. Without them, my world would be colorless
and dull. I care for Mihoshi and Washu, yet they are more like family, and
I just can't see myself.. Well, you know..

Does it make me a hentai? I hope not. I love Dad, but I don't want to
become like him. It would be too embarrassing. These pages have given me
much to think on, especially after the recent episode with that washout Seriyo.
I want Aeka and Ryouko to be with me always, but I think Ryouko will be
extremely heartbroken that I'll have to marry Aeka first, in order for this to
work. Once I'm accepted as Juraian nobility, I will have the ability to marry
her. I wish there was another way to do this, but I will sacrifice my wish
to remain here on Earth, in order to be happy with them.

Until then, I will go on with my life as it is: The mornings awaking
to a charade of fear, whenever I see you looking down lovingly at me with
your beautiful golden eyes.

I will go on acting like I'm afraid for my life, whenever you pull me
away from Ryouko with your amethyst eyes blazing in indignant rage.

I will act afraid that you might harm someone else in your battles
(though now, I can create the Light Hawk Wings whenever I choose to,
and prevent any harm), and I will try to break up the fighting as I always do.

I will flee for my life, like the coward I must look, if the question
of where my affections lie comes up, because it's too soon to tell Ryouko
and Aeka that I love both of them.

Finally, I will keep repairing the damage (with the help of Washu
and Father, of course) done to the house whenever things get out of hand,
to keep this charade, no matter how mush I wish otherwise.

I know it must pain them so much to see me be so indifferent like
this, but I fear they'd be angered if the truth was known. I could not
bear to interfere with our daily routine, for fear that they'd hate me,
because my love is not exclusive to one person. I don't want jealousy to
destroy what we have.

This is a delicate flower I hold in my hands, and I am NOT going to see
it crushed, because you have not yet learned to love one another, as I have
finally learned to accept that I love both of you.

Please, learn quickly. Not only your hearts are at stake.

Mine is, as well.

-- Tenchi


Week of: 11/14

Funaho, Thank you for holding these records, while my Ryu-oh grows. I
fear I have made a foolhardy choice, keeping to the standards of the Jurain
royal family, and holding back what I feel inside. Lately, I have become
afraid of how I could ruin everything in one rash act.

I almost let my heart slip, and told her that I love her.

We fight so much, that I keep forgetting that SHE is just a small part of
the reason why nothing has changed. I admit, that I am as much the antagonist
for our duels, but if she would just show *SOME* restraint.. No, I'm as much
to blame as she is. Maybe it is time to stop our fighting.

This would be so much easier, if I knew how Tenchi felt toward either of
us. I wonder if Mother and Funaho ever had this problem, though father
probably would have prevented it in the first place.

Ryouko and Tenchi share so much, that I almost find myself crying myself
to sleep every night in envy of their special bond. If Sasami and I did not
share the same room, I don't know how I could keep myself from collapsing,
and crying myself to sleep every night.

I know Tenchi does not know of Ryouko watching him grow up, or that she
was there to comfort him when his mother died, but after she had told me,
and after all the awful events that came after (to my shame, I still have
nightmares of Kagato.), I can see how they are linked. I don't want to go
on once again about how I feel for Tenchi, because I know I love him.
I feel I have to spend some time talking about the other that I love, or I
might make more foolish mistakes. That would not be good, considering how
unpredictable Ryouko can be at time. The mistake could be one to hurt one
or both of us, and maybe even Tenchi, too. I wouldn't want to do that
because I can see that she would not be able to live with herself either, if
something were to happen to hurt him.

She truly loves him to the point where he is her world. She'd kill or
die, if it meant his happiness.

He has proven time and again that he'd do anything for her.

He's rescued her from that 700-year hell she was trapped in by Yosho.

He's rescued her from her "father" Kagato.

He's rescued her from the "evil" clone named Zero.

Those are immaterial, though; He has rescued her from her worst enemy.

Herself.

I might call her a bakemono, monster or some other such name, but from
what I now know and see, she is not that at all; she was an unwilling pawn
to Kagato. I wish I could find a way to ask Miss.. Err.. Little Washu for
help, but asking would probably lead to.. *gulp* ..samples, or some other
embarrassing unpleasantness. I could get aid from Sasami, but the little
extortionist's bribe price, and my embarrassment would almost wipe me out of
what little jewelry and pride I have left here on Earth. If she wasn't a
princess, I'd be sure that she'd follow after Ryouko, and take up piracy!

Do I know if Ryouko loves me, as much as I love her and Tenchi?
No, but I have a hunch that she does.

The evidence? The way she risked herself to save me from that falling
statue in Kagato's throne room (or was it a pillar? I was too shocked with
fear, and thoughts of death to remember too clearly), and how she placed
me behind a shield made by Azaka and Kamidake. She could have unleashed
her full fury, and incinerated me and most of the ship, if she didn't feel
anything for me. She also could (with just one gem) decimate me several
different ways, but she doesn't. A few times though, I had foolishly angered
her too much, and I barely held her attacks at bay. Her power astounds me
still! What would happen if she had all her gems? I think I shall try to get
up enough courage to talk to Tenchi about giving her other two gems back.
They are hers, and I think she has grown enough to use them wisely. I
just have to show the wisdom not to tease her too much, once she has
them. I think it is time we stopped our fighting,\ anyways, and tried
to act more civil to each other.

I've let myself be distracted with other thoughts again. I had hated her
when I first met her, because she was so.. So.. She pissed me off! *gasp*
I can't believe I said that! Funaho, please edit.. Oh, never mind. Nobody
will ever see or hear this. To continue: I still don't know how or where
my feelings changed towards my archenemy, all I know is that they had,
especially when I suspected her feelings had changed as well. I know it
sounds presumptuous to change your feelings of such a flimsy excuse, but
it took a lot of time and soul-searching before I came to realize what I felt
for anyone.

Ryouko, please forgive how I acted today. I didn't know why you were
upset, but I could see the signs, and I foolishly ignored them. The smell
of sake' on your breath and the tears you tried to hide were very evident
to one who looks for "weaknesses" like that in their "foes". Had I known that
I was going to kiss you like that, I would NEVER have accepted your offer to
join you in the onsen! I was.. It was almost as bad as when I had insulted
you, that first day we had both been drinking together in the onsen, before
Kagato arrived. How I wish I could take those hateful words back now!

How was I to know that you'd egg me on, taunting me about not having
any knowledge of how to even kiss someone? How was I to know that the amount
of sake' we drank would cause me to grab hold of you, and give you an (almost)
unrestrained passionate kiss to the lips? Fortunately, I did manage to
restrain myself, and made it a half-hearted pressing of lips. I was sure to
keep my eyes open, just to see the look of shock on your face! I do apologize
for the snide comment on YOUR kissing ability, based on that kiss. You were
taken by surprise, but I had hoped that the action would have softened you
somewhat towards me.

It hasn't though; I saw it in your face, especially added with that slap
you leveled me with afterwards. I'm sorry, Ryouko, but, I have to wait
for you to be the one to break; pride and upbringing are terrible taskmasters,
especially for the First Princess of Jurai. The only salve I have, is that
I see Mother and Funaho with Father, and.. I understand.

I wish that we could get along like Mother and Funaho do, but it is so hard
to know what to do. How can I tell you first, without you hating me, or
thinking that I was no good for Tenchi and you? Life would be so much
simpler if we could both go to him, and put our differences aside.
Maybe one day we can get along like Mother and Funaho do.

Speaking of which, the first chance I can tell you, I shall tell you
of one decision I have made, to prove my love for him to you.

Tenchi has shown his heart to me, and I have seen a kind, strong man
there. I could not bear to humiliate him with some of the old customs for
proclaiming his love publicly. I hope that they understand, and they aren't
ashamed of my choices. Love makes people do foolish things, and I am trying
so hard from becoming the fool.

Please, Ryouko. Bend your stubborn neck, and realize you love both
Tenchi AND me, as much as I love both you and Tenchi.

To my shame, I'm afraid that can't hide these feelings forever.

--- Aeka


November Log Delta:

Ryo-ohki: my sister, my friend. Please promise me that you'll never
ever EVER replay these words to anyone, even Sasami.

She kissed me! She kis-

Come back here, you little furrball, and let me give you a hug!


November Log Gamma:

Okay, I'm calm now, Ryo-ohki. I'll try to be a bit more.. reserved.

What? No, not THAT reserved! I'm surprised Aeka hasn't broken into
a million shards by now from her weak attempt at being a statue! I was
hoping to have had her cured of that a long time ago. Sadly, I guess you
can't win every battle.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah! She kissed me! One down, One to go!
If I could only get Tenchi to show me half of.. No. I.. I almost found
myself telling her sister, but that would have either sent Sasami into
epileptic shock like that anime they had to take off the air, or she would
have asked Aeka about it, and blown my whole charade of hating "Her Highness"
to Hell. It probably would have confused the Hell out of Aeka, especially
after I slapped her. It was a reflexive reaction, I swear! My defenses went
on automatic. I'm just glad I hadn't punched her, or blasted her with a power
bolt.

I mean, do you know how so damned hard it is to find a reason to start
a fight with her, anymore? It's almost gotten to be a routine instead of a
battle for Tenchi. Sure, the sparring is fun (it helps keep me on my toes,
but anyways..) and adds zest to the morning (as does the way I "wake up"
Tenchi), but I find that it's almost painful to sit there and insult her, when
I want to be with her as much as I want to be with my heart.

Quit laughing at me, Ryo-ohki! You know how I feel about him! So
that is a silly thing to call him, but still, without him, I would still be
an empty shell.

He taught me to laugh.

He taught me to cry.

He taught me that I actually have something to live for.

He taught me that I'm actually worth something, to someone.

I can't believe I'm crying again. Maybe bonding with Zero was
NOT a good thing to do, now that I look back. I just don't know, anymore.

I remember when his mother died. It had felt like I was crying for
not just Tenchi, but myself. I had lost my mother to that bastard that was
my "father". I didn't even know that she was still alive! And the way
she treats me now, is NOT the way a mother should act towards a daughter!
I'm not going to rehash old ground. I'll leave this rant for another day.

Anyway, I was so surprised that he had stopped crying when I lay my
hand on his shoulder, that I almost pulled my hand away. I'm glad I didn't,
though. He couldn't see me like he could when he was a baby, but he had
accepted my comforting!

And I knew I had to be with him.

And I was.

Then SHE came to Earth, looking for her brother.

I hated her then. When did it change?

Ha, Ha. Very funny, Ryo-ohki. I wish you'd stop reading my
mind like..

Oh, Kuso! *Washu* knows! She has to! I've got to have a talk
with her, when she comes back from her little "field trip".

*sigh* I am glad you do read my mind, though. You don't go poking and
prodding like Washu does. There is something wonderful about sharing your
feelings with someone you care for. When will Washu learn that the best
way to do anything is to *ASK*, and not simply *TAKE*? I think that we could
get together, if she could learn that.

Heh, I say this now, but what happens when I want to tell Tenchi about
how much I love him, and I would give anything to be with him? I become the
monster he fears, so that the words I say sound like I was one of the
characters from one of Nobuyuki's manga, and not one of his shoujo manga,
either..

Anyways, back to Aeka: I hated her, and for the longest time, I
thought she was the biggest bitch, especially after what she had said in the
onsen, when I was pouring my heart out to her. I had hated her, and I was
extremely jealous of how she came in so effortlessly, and was able to talk
to Tenchi in a way I only wished for. I wished I could have spoken like
that to him, and gotten to learn more about him from just talking, but I
am too cowardly to really make my heart known to him.

The more time I spent with her, the more I began to notice that as time passed,
her face was slowly giving away the lie of how she REALLY felt. I could see
how little things she did were having an affect on her. Her eyes would give
away the hurt she felt, each time she insulted me, or I insulted her, and I
could see the same longing in her eyes, each time she looked at me as when she
looked at Tenchi. I could see it, because I felt the same way.

Whoa! Can you picture the *NOSEBLEED* Tenchi would get, if he ever
found out how I feel about him AND Aeka? At least he's not a hentai like
his dad or grandfather!

Tenchi, Aeka; if I could, I'd tell you both EXACTLY how I feel.
I'm so afraid Tenchi would see me as a hentai (especially since I don't
even know for sure if he loves me or not), and I'm afraid he'd push me
away forever, and I fear Aeka would reject me too, leaving me all alone in
my sorrow.

It scares me so much, every time I think about it. I want to
cry myself to sleep at night. I don't want them to leave me behind.
I love them both with all my being. So much so, that I want to tell
them what they mean to me.

But I can't. I have to be the strong one. I have been
watching them both, (and Sasami as well) while they sleep, to be sure
that they, my family, are safe from those like Kagato or Dr. Clay.

Sleep well Tenchi and Aeka. I'll always be watching over you.

Please dream happy thoughts of me.

---- Ryouko


Catalog 123567872653.357625384.9900 Japan. Verbal Recording:

I'm sorry, Ryouko, for putting you through so much grief lately, but I
need to know how you'll handle yourself when the time is right. I need to be
sure that, no matter how hard your life has been, you'll bend and adjust,
instead of break. Your test is coming, and it would kill me, if you failed.

Do you know how painful it is, to try to look at your own daughter as
an experiment? Can you comprehend what exactly it is that I'm trying to
give you? The whole UNIVERSE could be yours, but you aren't going to have
it handed to you - this prize needs to be earned in blood and tears.

Dear Ryouko, I love you more than you know, and I have instilled in you
the ability to heal in more ways than one, but I'm afraid that you'll fail,
and I'll lose you, as I had lost.. him.. so long ago.

Ryouko, I fear that this could break your heart, but be strong, and have
faith in those that love you, and your reward will be immense.

It has been another long day, with another long night to come, but tonight,
I feel good about my actions. I know it will cause some discomfort with all
involved, but I can speculate on the outcome. All I can say, is that I know
you all, and love you dearly, and I would be very happy to be a mother to
Tenchi, Sasami and Aeka, as well as you, Ryouko.

If you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me this one last
unwelcome intrusion.

I promise it will be worth it.

--- Washu
P.S. Gotta set up more "appointments" for "samples" with Tenchi.
So, he can produce the Wings of the Light Hawk whenever he wants
to, hmm? MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Friday, Third Week of November:

Tsunami, I hope that I am doing the right thing.

After finding that notebook of Tenchi's today, I HAD to go to Washu,
to have it translated. Ryouko and Aeka's names were in it too much to be
anything good (or so I feared) for anyone, and I wanted to be sure.

Boy, was I surprised!

Tsunami, don't be mad, but I HAD to do it. It wasn't right for them not
to know. They were all living a lie, and they all knew it, even if they
couldn't admit it to themselves.

I can't let that happen. I WON'T let it happen! I love them all too
much to see them hurt like this, anymore.

Today, after giving half of my hard-earned "booty" (and a promise to
make an extra-special dinner for her) to Washu, she decided to help me with
my plan. I know it is their own personal business, but I am hoping my
craftiness and (if all else fails) cuteness will keep me from bearing the
brunt of the aftershock.

I bribed Ryo-ohki with a carrot, and with your help, I found the
appropriate data in Funaho. (I had heard Aeka comment how she keeps a record
of things in Yosho's tree, and guessed Ryouko did the same - Those two are more
similar than they would care to admit) Now, with copies of each, and Tenchi's
letter (translated into Japanese, of course), I shall put my master plan into
place tomorrow night.

After supper, I will ask them to strip down their futons (I still want
to know how Tenchi talked Ryouko into leaving the rafters), so I can wash the
sheets, even though it is Ryouko's turn to do so. When they go upstairs,
they will be surprised to find their futons already made, and the letters
folded atop the sheets.

Why do I feel that, by revealing myself like this, that I'm acting
like a villain in an anime or manga? I hope this isn't a bad omen.

Anyways, I made it so that they would see the note from me, asking them
to forgive me, but this was something that NEEDED to be done.

For everybody's sake.

I don't want them to fight anymore. I'm sick of them hurting each other,
because they're too cowardly to say "I love you". I won't allow it any more,
even if it risks Tenchi and Aeka and Ryouko hating me forever. I love them
too much, and I told them so in their notes. I hope it will be enough.

If they don't like it, they can eat Ryouko's and Aeka's cooking from now
on, for all of me.

Tsunami, please tell Mommy and Daddy I love them.

-- Sasami



Author's notes:

Well, I have seen the fanfics that were monologues, or diary entries
before, but I had NEVER seen one where the person others see is merely
a facet of the person, and not the "whole" person, so I decided to
write one.

Some might see a lot of suspension of belief, but I am drawing on my
own personal interpretation of the way the characters act in the
OAVs to fuel this. I'm not saying any one person's interpretation is
better, only.. different.


Please enjoy, and send C&C (No flames, We're all better than that)
to: willz@iname.com

Will