My apologies. Seriously, blame Miss Construed.
Miss Sookie Stackhouse meets The Hills. ClusterF*ck is inevitable.
The sun was out, the wind was in my hair, and I was feeling good. I was making my way downtown to Merlotte's. I had a super important job as a bar wench. I had my favorite White Stag (Walmart Couture) sunglasses on, they covered most of my face, which was good, cause I didn't want my make up to melt off.
My car was hot, and not just as in sweaty, humid hot either. The summer before last my bro 'J to the Son' had removed the top from my 1974 Gremlin and I was in convertible heaven. Okay, maybe not convertible as in, could convert back to having a roof, but trash bags worked to keep it dry when it rained.
I was a normal girl from LA. Well as normal as a part fae telepathic wife of a 1000 year old vampire sheriff could be. This is my story. My name is Sookie Stackhouse. Needless to say, I was living the high life in the bayou.
:::Cue Music and SS montage:::
Let's get physical, physical,
I wanna get physical, let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk,
Your body talk, let me hear your body talk
I moved quickly from my car to the employee entrance of Merlotte's hoping to avoid the paparazzi I knew were hiding somewhere in the woods. They were sneaky devils. I never saw them, but they had to be there.
I nearly ran right into Sam in the back hallway. Sam was the owner of Merlotte's and although he was like mad important we were like well on our way to being besties, I knew it.
"Where's the fire, Sook?" Sam smoothed his hair down then flicked it out, not wanted a piece to be out of place of his messy styled do. SS is what they called me in high school, but that was so seven years ago. I wanted to be respected as an adult now that I could like legally binge drink and all. Thankfully they all agreed to call me Sookie or Sook instead.
"I don't need this drama." I pushed past him and threw my purse into my cubby hole, stomping to the main floor. I stopped dead when I saw them. My ex BFFL and the bitch with a creepy flesh colored beard that he ditched me for. Bill (ex best friend for life) and Selah (creepy flesh colored beard bitch). Gag me with a spoon.
I knew Merlotte's was a hot spot, but couldn't they hang out somewhere else? I rolled my eyes and stomped over to my backup bestie… Meals.
I fluttered my fake eyelashes on the way to her and fought the tears I was urging forward.
"I'm donzo." I wiped the tears from my eyes. Amelia looked at me with a strange look on her face. "What?"
"I don't know what that means." She smiled sheepishly.
"It means I'm done with this! I don't need this drama!" I screamed and looked around to make sure everyone was paying attention to me. They were. Good. "Stop looking at me!" I was trying to stomp out making an exit when J to the son stopped me.
"Whazzup?" I held my hand high waiting for him to slap me five. He did so, but with a confused look on his face. This was Jason, not really many other expressions for him.
"Are you feeling alright?" He eyeballed me. He was thinking about selling me out to the tabloids. I could tell by the way he was looking at me. I fluffed my hair, just in case someone was taking a picture and then attacked.
"You have no right to sell my secrets." I slapped him hard and headed towards the door.
I was just outside and searching for where I had parked when I stopped short running into a firm chest.
"Sookie, it is imperative I speak to you." I looked up to see Eric. He was being super lame-o and serious per usual. Jeez, dude needs to chillax already. Can everyone say Buzzkill? If he wasn't all sorts of luscious I wouldn't let him get all up in my grill, like he currently was.
"What's the dealio, baby?" I bit down on my lip in attempts to make myself look both innocent and like a sex kitten. Meals came running out before he could answer me.
"What happened to her?" The cold hunk of muscular vamp meat asked of Amelia. I sighed. He was ignoring me. I didn't like to be ignored.
"I don't know. She came in talking funny, and then she slapped her brother."
"Lover," I giggled when he said it so seriously, "Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm totally rufus." I rolled my eyes at the never ending drama.
"What does this mean?" he looked back at Amelia, ignoring me again.
"I have no idea." Meals was so not feelin me right then.
"Who is Rufus?" Eric asked me seriously, and then paused for a moment lifting an eyebrow, "Are you Rufus?"
"God, Eric, get with it." I crossed my arms over my chest and did my best pouty face. Eric looked back to Amelia and I saw her shrug. "I'm fabulous." I translated. It was like he suddenly didn't speak English. That was when it hit me.
"Sookie…" he started but I cut him off.
"OMG! Are you okay? Did someone put another spell on you?" I tried my best to cry again, but could only spill one tear. Weak, tear ducts, totally weak.
"Sookie, what do you remember of earlier?"
"Umm…" I thought hard, "OMG, Tara is totally preggers!" I got distracted when I saw my rotund friend wobbling ungracefully across the parking lot towards us. "LMFAO, she is like huge." I whispered loudly to Eric who pulled me around to the side of the building away from Tara.
"Sookie, I need you to think." He pressed me into the side of Merlotte's, his body in front of me blocking the paparazzi from seeing me. I looked up at his face. I thought, like he told me to. I thought of how much I wanted to tell him to stop manscaping his brows, and maybe cut the hair gel/highlights. Metro much, vampire man? Like what would your Viking brethren say if they could see you now? Then I thought about whether or not I could convince him to make out with me inside to show to my exBFFL that I am so happy without him around.
Eric broke me from my intense thoughts, "Well?"
"Let's go." I smiled and pulled him inside. He looked at me expectantly when I stopped in the middle of the bar floor and turned to him.
"Well, what's happened to you?" he waited. I jumped up and latched onto him like a starfish to a rock. I suctioned my face to him and ground my body against his. He pulled me off of his body easily. Stupid Vampire strength. He held me away from him, dangling in the air, held up only by his hands in my armpits.
"Eric!" I kicked and swung hitting mainly air.
"What is wrong with her?" Bill was suddenly at our side. Rudely ignoring the biotch he was spending his evening with. I saw Selah roll her eyes at his concern for me, confirming once again that she's a psycho-hosebeast.
"What's wrong with me?" I was still midair in Eric's clutches, "What's wrong with her? Selah, ever hear of waxing?" She gasped and covered her creepy flesh colored beard with her hands.
"Sookie…" Bill seemed ashamed of me, but what did I care we were so not Bff's anymore.
"I'm sure Eric can give you the number to the girl who does his waxing." I offered. Eric shook me for a second until I looked at him. "What? It's not like we all don't know you wax and I don't just mean poetic." I crossed my arms over my chest and he put me down.
"Maybe you should get her out of here before she says anything else." A'meals on wheels butted in.
This is the part where we all looked at each other for a good minute and a half. Eric looked at Meals, then Bill looked at Meals, then Eric looked at Bill, Bill looked at me… you get the point, there was a lot of looking, and breathing… from the humans. Time passed.
"Call Pam, inform her I'll be bringing Sookie to the club." Eric broke our four way staring contest, threw me over his shoulder, ran from the bar, and took off into the air.
Pam was at the employee entrance when we made it to Fangtasia.
"Getting slow in your old age Eric?" She smirked at him, he scowled. "I got a call about two hours ago."
"We had to stop and get me a party dress. I couldn't show up in my uniform. What would the fans say?" I spun in my new hot pink dress Eric purchased me.
"Fans?" Pam asked, almost looking amused.
"Do you like it? For realz?" I spun again.
"Yes, very much." She looked me up and down. "It took you two hours to buy a dress?" She looked to Eric.
"And shoes!" I added with a smile.
"And we had to stop and get Sookie some overpriced caffeinated beverage." Eric added with a frown.
"I like my lattes like I like my men; Tall, cold, vanilla, and Skinny!" I slapped him on his butt then pushed past Pam to make my way into the club. Pam laughed as I did so.
"You coming, Skinny?" she asked Eric who was still standing in the lot, looking a bit on edge.
I swayed my way to the club floor, hoping no one would embarrass themselves by asking for an autograph. I stood in the middle of the empty dance floor and started flailing to the music. Whatever was on the radio was moody and snore worthy, so natch I just danced to the music in my head, something about rainbows and brushing my teeth with an alcoholic beverage. I opened my eyes to see everyone watching me, in awe. I could only assume they had never been so close to someone as fabuloso as me.
One vampire dared to approach me; he was wearing a t-shirt that screamed Geek! Superheroes are so wack to the max. I'm surprised Pam hadn't taken over Ben's wardrobe since she was in charge of him. He smiled at me.
"Milady, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" I stopped dancing and tiled my head looking him over with sheer curiosity. How did one become such a loser?
"Ew. Get out of my facial." Ben looked hurt by my words, but I couldn't care at the moment. He wasn't anywhere near my social status. He looked above my head and walked away looking like a dejected puppy.
"What are you doing, lover?" Eric was standing behind me.
"I'm dancing, lover." I drew out the word lover and giggled. I wiggled my butt in his direction.
"Can we knock her out?" Pam appeared beside him.
"Don't tempt me." He whispered but I could still hear him. I ignored him and made my way across the club to a booth where a young couple was seated. I sat and tried to talk to them, but they only stared.
"Sookie, what are you doing now?" Eric pulled me to stand from the booth. "Why are you crying?" I sniffled and wiped my cheeks.
"I was just trying to tell my good friend and roommate that she shouldn't sell herself short by dating this homeless hot, two first name bearing lowlife." I pointed to the goth couple in the booth. They might be wearing different clothes, make up, and wigs… but I would know them anywhere. They couldn't fool me. Eric hugged me close to him to console my crying and leaned down to whisper in my ear.
"Sookie, my love, you are doing something that is very difficult for a human to do in my club." He pulled away and looked at me.
"What?" I stared wide eyed.
"You are scaring my customers." He smirked then pulled me into his office, away from his scaredy cat patrons. If they couldn't handle a little celebrity they shouldn't live in my hood.
He made me sit in his office with him for a half an hour. It was a good time to practice my meaningful looks. I looked at him wistfully, peaked my eyebrow in challenge, gave him my bedroom eyes, and eventually tried out my vacant stare. Eric's face didn't really change much. He was apparently practicing his annoyed look.
Eventually Eric's phone rang and his face changed to relieved. When he hung up he stood and helped me to my feet. It would have been easy, except I was in my yoga lotus position and I kinda got stuck. Whatevs. So I'm not as bendy as I once was, I'm like a mature 25 these days.
"Where are we going? Another club?" I looked up at him as we walked to the parking lot.
"Your housemate has found a cure for whatever it is that has happened to you." he explained and I stopped.
"What are you talking about? What's happened to me?"
"Apparently, you accidently got into some things Amelia had mixed" was his only explanation.
"OMFG, am I going to die?" I clutched my throat.
"Then how do you know something's wrong with me?" He answered with a lift of his brow. "For serious?"
"Sookie, I know you don't realize, but you aren't quite acting like yourself."
"Is it the dress?" I looked down at myself self-consciously.
"Yes, it's the dress. The spell made you desire to wear tight pink." He smiled and looked over my body.
"And you want me to stop wearing tight pink." I walked my fingers up his bicep.
"I would like you to stop wearing clothing all together, but that is not the point. The point is I want you back." I snorted. He was so dramatic. Like me wearing pink made me not me.
"Drama queen." I whispered in a singsong voice. "Bt-dubbs, Pulseporker, I look hot in this dress."
"Pardon, what did you call me?" He narrowed his eyes in my direction.
"I hear what people call me… if I get a degrading title, so do you." I poked my finger into his chest.
"Lover, if you do not stop poking me in the chest I will be forced to tie you up and gag you until Amelia can fix this."
"Kinky." I winked at him, but tried to look disgusted and not turned on like I was.
He rolled his eyes, wrapped his arms around my waist and shot up into the sky. I climbed around him midair and onto his back, riding him like a mechanical bull.
"Yee-haw!" I yelled to the little people below us.
We got to my old farmhouse and dollar Meals was all like pacing the kitchen like a caged jungle cat. If I were a dude, I would totally tap that. Or if she were dude…. The point is I totally dig the jungle cat prowl.
"Here." She thrust a cup into my hands when she stopped pacing.
"Appletini?" I asked. The liquid in the cup was a neon green color.
"Yup, appletini." Meal forced a smile. I drank it down only to discover… not an appletini.
"Ick, what was that?" The room started to swirl around and I looked up at Eric who grabbed a hold of me to keep me up. "WTF is happening to…" and then it like totally faded to black.
"Eric?" my mouth was dry and my head was pounding but I was sure I could sense him nearby.
"Sookie?" I opened my eyes to see his face above mine. My head in his lap.
"Why does my head weigh three hundred pounds?" I moaned as Eric moved his hands to rub my temples.
"Are you… rufus?" He watched me carefully.
"I don't know what that means. Who's rufus?" I whined.
"So you are you?" I pushed his hands away, even though they were helping with the pressure in my brain, and sat up.
"What are you talking about, Eric?" He didn't answer me. Instead, he crushed my body into his in an Eric sized bear hug. "Eric… can't… breathe." I pushed on his shoulders until he released me. Unfortunately, he attached his face to mine in a kiss and I still couldn't breathe. I punched him hard in his ribs. I knew it wouldn't hurt him, just get his attention.
"What was that for?" He asked as he pulled his face from mine.
"Human… need air." I took a deep breath, probably more dramatically than I needed to, but I wanted to make a point. "Now, stay on your side of the couch and tell me what's going on." I held my hand up between us.
"You drank some of your witch housemate's concoction by accident. It did not mix well with something you ate and you turned into something horrifying."
"What, Eric, what did I turn into?" I moved back close to him and held his hands. I couldn't imagine. Was I a were now? Did I turn into a crazed serial killer?
"You turned into a… a… reality tv socialite." He hugged me again.
"What?" I mumbled into his shoulder. Amelia came in from the kitchen then.
"I left some stuff in the fridge, it looked like juice. You must have eaten something with dairy at the same time. When you mixed the two it had a bad effect. I can only guess you were watching tv when it happened and you turned into whatever you were watching.
"You left some sort of potion in the refrigerator? Could you have at least marked it?" I stared at Amelia who hadn't seemed to think of that.
"I think we should all just calm down and be thankful you weren't watching Buffy." She laughed and then ran out of the room.
Eric didn't look amused at the possibility that I could have been hunting him down with a stake in hand. I smiled at him.
"Sookie, the vampire slayer?" I suggested with a shrug and a smile.
"You wouldn't stand a chance." Eric lifted a brow at me.
"Give me a break; I'd kick your ass." I crossed my arms over my chest.
We sat for a moment watching one another before he pulled me to my feet.
"You set up the DVD's, I'll start drinking!" I ran to the kitchen looking for an unmarked potion.
It was on…. Like donkey kong.
Did I say I was sorry already?