Yes! I wrote a one-shot! I have a lot of ideas floating about and the well is running a little dry with my other AIW fanfictions at the moment, so here it is. Enjoy.
THAT TIME OF YEAR
A One-Shot by Yours Truly
A warm Wonderland breeze hit Tweedle-Dum as he reclined in his hammock in front of the house. Tweedle-Dee was nearby, laying in his own and tossing a ball into the air, bored out of his mind.
"You know..." Dum started up, "If someone were writing a story about us, this would be a really bad time to start."
Dee rolled his eyes, but played along.
"Yeah, and that would be a really bad line to start it with."
"Really? I think it'd be a little bit... clever..." Dum trailed. Dee thought a moment, then tossed him the ball before he was prepared to catch it and it soured off into the yard behind him. Dum sighed a little and went for it, squatting in front of some bushes and digging around. At this moment, a grey hand emerged from the leaves, presenting the ball to him with some sort of indifference in its manner.
"WOAH!-" Dum threw himself backwards.
"Shhh! It's okay!" The bush reassured. This just alarmed Dum even more. "It's me! Hatter!"
By then Dee had made his way over.
"What the fuck is- ... Hatter?" Hatter rose from the bush just a bit. His face was now covered in scratches. "Would it.... would it be too prying to ask what you're doing?" Dee asked, eyebrow raised.
"I-I know what it looks like. I promise I wasn't spying on you. That was a one time thing," Hatter reasoned in all seriousness.
The Tweedles glanced at each other uncomfortably and extended their arms to Hatter, who nervously stepped out, looking in each direction, even far off in the distance, as they lead him to the front door. "Here's your ball," he offered again to Dum.
They gathered in the kitchen, though the silence seemed to be creeping up on Hatter the most, who obviously had some explaining to do.
The Tweedles continuously sent him side-long glances, but all he did was dart his eyes around and cross his arms, twitching every so often.
"Uhm... oh shit, I guess I have to be the one..." Dee trailed. "...Something wrong?"
"No!" Hatter insisted, pained.
Dum eyed a nearby clock.
"You don't have any tea parties to get to?"
Hatter bit his lip and turned his head ever so slightly. "They're... canceled."
"Iiiighh..." The Tweedles looked at each other again.
"Sayyy!" Hatter broke out, "mind if I hang out here a while?" He swished his hands cheerily.
"I... m'ughm... Sure. We weren't doing anything," Dee said.
"Great!" Hatter came out into the living room and the two confused hosts followed, watching him as he shut himself inside a closet. Silence followed.
"...Hatter?" Dee asked to the closed door. "I know this is kind of a stretch, but are you... hiding from someone?"
"Because if you are, you can just tell us."
"If we knew what we were hiding you from, i-it might actually help," Dum added.
Still, there was no response.
"Are you and the hare having a fight, or something?" Dee tried.
The door slowly cracked open after a pregnant pause. Hatter's blue-green eye was visible in the shadow.
"It's not a fight, but it's just as lethal."
The two stared at the eye, without the slightest clue what he meant.
"...It's March 1st."
"...Yes it is!" Dum confirmed.
"And tomorrow will be March 2nd!"
"That's really too far ahead for me to conceive at this moment," Hatter said through the crack. "Every day is a battlefield!"
"Hatter, come on, this is ridiculous! What's going on between you two?"
"I TOLD you!" Hatter whined, opening the door and waving his arms around at them. "It's March! The ultimate month of sex for hares!" He exclaimed.
"Hare's in heat!"
At that, Dum looked like he was about to throw up in his mouth.
"Last year I barely made it out alive,"he continued, fingers curling. "I thought I could handle it, being as fantabulously sexual as I am, but by day sixteen, it was like I had been playing ultimate sports nonstop, you know like that episode of Spongebob with Sandy before hibernation... except with sex... Ogughgh... He made me feel like the woman!"
Suddenly Hatter was sobbing on the floor. Normally, the Tweedles would've came at him and gave him some reassuring pats on the shoulder, but today they seemed reluctant now to even touch each other, in completely platonic ways.
They waited for the crying to die down, but Hatter kept at it.
"Why don't you just... tell him no... " Dum started, "you know, like-"
"'No' is just foreplay to him!... All I have to do is blink a certain way and he considers it cue-"
"O-okay, okay, uhm..." Dum tried to talk him through it. Dee leaned into the back of the couch and bit his nails a little.
Before anyone could make any more suggestions, there was knocking on the door. Hatter's whines stifled and he backed up into the closet again, reaching up for the handle and closing the door in front of him. After a hesitant pause, the Tweedles came to the door and looked through the peephole. Nobody but a bedraggled white rabbit was at the porch so they opened up. He met eyes with both of them before anybody spoke.
"...Can we help you?" Dee asked.
"I'm looking for Hatta~."
Their eyes enlarged.
"Oh God, you too? I thought it was just hares-" Dee quickly slapped his hand over Dum's mouth.
"Hahahahaha! Isn't Dum an idiot?" Dee joked. Dum's brow dropped.
Rabbit didn't know how to answer that one so he put a hand on his hip and waited for a legitimate answer to his question.
"Sorry, we haven't seen him. Why do you ask?"
"Because his buddy~... turned the entire courtyard upside down looking for him and now the Queen is pissed! Why else would I care to look for him?"
They weren't prepared for his snarkiness.
"If you happen to see him, the Queen says to return him to He'a~ immediately. Neither of us have time for this bullshit today. Her Majesty has a ball to plan and an interview with Wonderland Homes and Gardens."
The bunny awkwardly made his way down the porch steps and rolled away before Dee closed the door.
"Shit. What now? With the Queen in on this, there's no way he can hide, for long..."
"Well I don't see why not, we just lied to him and Hatter's still in our closet-" Dum tried, but Dee wasn't paying attention.
"Listen Hatter," he said, opening the door. "Dum and I will go find Hare. We won't tell him where you are, we'll just talk to him. Calm him down. I-It's just you he wants to have sex with, ...right?"
"Who else in Wonderland would anyone want to have sex with?..." Hatter asked himself, although he was sitting on the floor hugging his knees all the while.
Dee narrowed his eyes at the assumption before closing the door again.
"Come on, let's go."
"M-maybe we should bring some kind of repellent... just in case... Like some garlic, or something."
Dee scoffed. "He's a horny hare, not a vampire."
They came out the front door and started walking down the path. "If there was reason to worry, I guess he would've already been mounting Rabbit," Dee added, thoughtfully.
"Hah! Not a sight I'd particularly like to see..."
"I'd have to douse my eyes with bleach."
They continued on their way, trying to laugh it off as best they could, unaware of what lied ahead.
Some time later, Hatter was spinning a thimble he'd found in his pocket on the closet floor when he heard the front door burst open. His whole body went stiff as a group of feet scampered around the entry way and the door slammed closed. Hatter put his ear to the crack, but there was unusual silence on the outside.
"It's just us, Hatter," Dum's voice said, surprisingly close to the door. Hatter shot into the back end of the closet like he'd just been suctioned before he realized he was safe. When he opened the door about half way, he could see Dum walking away, seemingly exhausted, and kerplunking on the couch near Dee, and...
"Alice?" The disturbed gaze she had on the coffee table came to an end when she heard her name called. Her eyes began to wander in his direction, slowly, wistfully, as if Hatter might have some answer to her existence. "What the fuck is she doing here?"
"We saw him..." Dee began, his body dramatically lain over the love seat. "We thought he might be at your house, waiting at the tea table... But he wasn't there... We tried the palace... He had been sent off..."
"So we continued to look for him..." Dum added, his voice equally dead. "And there he was..."
"Like a demon lurking the forest! Eyes a'glow!"
"I don't question my life very often... But that man... that bunny-man... emanated such a raw dangerous passion..." The group seemed to stop a moment to raise their eyebrows at Dum, except for Alice. She no longer looked present in the moment.
"And poor Alice..." Dee continued. "Had no idea that Hare was in such an unapproachable state... She witnessed a horror nobody should..."
Dum leaned over and clutched her by the shoulders. "It's okay, Alice... you're with us now."
The Caterpillar was minding his own business when two guys in trench coats came through the brush and gingerly seated themselves on some nearby mushrooms. He was too busy making paper cranes to notice them at first, but when his hand reached down for more construction paper, and instead touched Dum's head, he jolted.
"Hi Caterpillar," they both answered, eyes gazing ahead. There was no sound following besides that of the wildlife.
"Come to me for advice... or something?" The Caterpillar tried.
"H-have you seen... the hare around?" Dee asked.
"Mmm...nooo..." He thought about it a moment. "But I did see a strange fellow cutting through the trees. He seemed to be... looking for something... He wouldn't even say 'hello'!"
"That was the hare," Dum clarified.
"Rrrreally? He looked so different."
"That's because he's possessed!" Dee uttered. The Caterpillar's eyebrow rose.
A silence fell over the three of them.
"O-kayyy... Then I suppose I'm glad he didn't say hello."
"Oh, no, he doesn't want you. Or anybody. He just wants Hatter."
"Well who doesn't?" The Caterpillar thought aloud. The Tweedles exchanged annoyed looks.
"Okay, but that's not the point. Hatter is terrified. He's hiding from him. We tried talking to Hare, but he's just not approachable in this state."
The Caterpillar glanced at the sky. "Alright, so you want me to just pull some advice out of my ass about how to stop people from having sex." His company didn't have an answer prepared, so he swung his arms around to a conveniently placed book stack next to his thorax.
He sighed raggedly. "No... no..." He smacked his lips, with every 'no', tossing a book to the side. "Ah. Here's one." The Tweedles' faces lit up a little as he sent the book to his highest set of hands and opened the cover.
"Once upon a time, there was a squirrel named Maury. He had been long time frrriends and life partners with another squirrel named Mar~k. They got along like two carrots in a bunch, liked the same activities, spent hours together gathering nuts, watching TV in their tree-top home, and drinking tea. "
By then, the Tweedles weren't sure where this was going.
"There was, however, one problem. Every year~, in the month of July, Mar~k, beyond his control, wanted to have sex with Maury every morning, afternoon, and night. Maury was so intimidated by this time of year that the very next July, he took to hiding from Mar~k in a nearby bluebir~d's nest, hoping he wouldn't spot him there and he could hide until the month was over."
Dum scratched the back of his head uncomfortably.
"But the bluebir~d needed that nest for its family, as much as she and Maury were frrriends, and Mar~k had gone and disturbed everybody in the forest, multiple times by now, his search for his partner unwavering as ever~."
"Finally, the bluebir~d said," and the Caterpillar put on a falsetto voice, "'Maury, I really need to get back to my life now. Please, just confront your friend and get it over with.'"
"This did not seem like a very good plan to Maury at all, but he knew that his current way of solving things wasn't wor~king, and it was his own responsibility to bring peace back to the forest. So he went to Mar~k and explained why he had been hiding. Mar~k did not realize he had been causing Maury so much distress, and apologized. He said he would try to limit the sex to once a day."
"By making a compromise, both considered each other's feelings and made a small sacrifice for the other out of love. Maury was still exhausted by the end of July, but hey, at least it was a star~t."
He slapped the book closed and grinned lazily at them. By then, the Tweedles' mouths were gaping.
"You want us to tell him to stop hiding," Dum said to himself in disbelief.
"Well Caterpillar, we're not dealing with Maury the Fucking Squirrel here. Hatter's a coward, who is more than willing to put us all through stress to dodge the line of fire."
The Caterpillar frowned at Dee. "Ohhh, come on, have a little faith in him."
The Tweedles looked completely faithless.
"My books are always rrright, okay?" His body jiggled a little as he said it.
"...Thanks," Dee replied dryly, after a long pause.
The coated Tweedles went back into the forest after that, checking in every direction that they were alone on their journey back. "So what are we going to do now?" Dum asked impatiently.
"I don't know! Do we listen to him? He has a pretty good track record..."
"True, but if we take his advice, it means we actually do have to try getting him out of that closet. I-I mean, he's not gonna be happy. We're feeding him to the sharks, essentially."
"When they're swarming around your boat, sometimes it's the only way to save the others..." Dee reasoned solemnly. They continued on their way, when a row of teeth appeared in a clearing just passed, followed by a cat.
"I... knew somebody around here knew where the Hatter was... Now I'm ready for my reward!" The Cat disappeared again.
Back in the closet, Hatter's watching Alice, in the far back, holding her knees and rocking ever so slightly. He quivers his lip like he has something to say.
"Alice, whatever you saw, I'm sorry. We weren't expecting you."
She didn't answer.
"In all my years being Hare's best friend, he's never been this way. I almost think he doesn't know what he's doing, or who he is, when the hormones take over." Alice slowly looked to him.
"Well they picked a lousy time to name him after..."
"His parents. The March Hare, I mean... Why not name him after a month when he's in good behavior?"
"Well, he's especially charming in September, but it just doesn't have the same ring to it." Alice rolled her eyes. "What exactly did you see, earlier?"
Just then, they heard the front door open. They held their breaths until the Tweedles confirmed it was them, then crawled halfway out of the closet. Hatter looked up to them on his knees. "Well? What did he say?" They both sighed. "Oh, no. He didn't have any advice?"
"He advised us to convince you to face Hare, and make a compromise."
"WHAT?" Hatter reached for Alice's hands and gulped.
"Not gonna happen... is it?"
"How true that is, it's not gonna happen! I'd rather eat my own hands!" He swiped them back out of Alice's grasp and stood up. "Listen, you guys, we compromise often. If we didn't, I think Hare would be throwing a lot more fondue parties. But today... tomorrow... the next thirty days... that word will not even be in his vocabulary. In fact, I think it's been reduced to only a handful of words. 'Yes, Oh, God, Harder, Jiminy Cricket,-"
"Okay stop," Alice quickly interrupted from behind him, hand on his shoulder and a green tint in her complexion.
"Sorry." He looked down to the floor.
"Hatter, I am sorry that you have to go through with this. But Hare's going to tear Wonderland apart until he finds you," Dee said.
"Then maybe now would be a good time to move to Hinterland," he pondered. "Quick! One of you go back to the house and get my bowling shoes!"
"But Hatter! Don't you think you owe it to both Wonderland and Hinterland not to do this?"
"I don't care! I'd put both kingdoms in stress just to dodge the line of fire, here!"
"Damnit, if only we'd recorded that for future reference..." Dee trailed.
A telephone nearby began to ring. They all took a moment to lament not having caller ID invented yet. With every ring, a bead of sweat from Hatter's temple traveled further down his face, until finally their voicemail picked up.
"Hello Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee... This is Rabbit. The Cat informed us that Hatter is hiding at your home, and that crazy village retard, He'a~, is heading over there now. Don't botha~ calling this numba~ back, her Majesty's interview is in 10 minutes and she does not want to be interrupted. Now do us all a favor and handle whatever problem you are having like civilized people. Good-bye!"
As the phone clicked, all the color drained from Hatter's face. As everyone else was just standing there in shock, he stepped on the couch to look out the curtains.
"FUUUCK!" He jumped back over the coffee table and went for another window. "He's coming! I can see him! I'll go out the window!" The window wouldn't budge. He turned back around. "COME ON, GUYS. HELP A HATTER OUT, HERE."
Alice sighed, hands out. "You should stand up to him, Mr. Hatter."
"I can' t stand up to that level of sex!"
"Maybe you could just down some Red Bull," Dum suggested.
"I've tried! I-It irritates my stomach!" As soon as he said it, there was hard passionate knocking on the front door. Hatter turned towards the window again and managed to loosen it, then started crawling through. By the time he had gotten out his ginormous hat, the window frame fell over his back. "OGHW."
Dee grabbed to Dum and Alice's shoulders and led them down the hall. "I-I forgot to lock the door!" Dum cried, before he was pulled into the protection (and censorship) of their bedroom.
Hatter pushed and squirmed for escape pathetically, like a frog with its legs stuck under a rock. When Hare slammed open the unlocked door, his only view was of two purple legs and an ass Michelangelo would've carved. He smiled serenely and came forward, breathing heavily all the while. His shirt was slightly unbuttoned and dampened by the sweat of his pursuit.
Hatter could hear his heavy steps from behind. "W-w-wait a minute, Hare! I don't even remember the safety word! Buttercup! Balderdash! Papaya! Didgeridoo!"
His legs continued to kick and swing around until Hare reached out and yanked him in by the waist. As soon as he hit the ground, he backed up into the wall and screamed "PARLEY!" Hare squinted his eyes and put his hands on his hips.
"The pants. Lose 'em," he ordered. Hatter inhaled like he was going to try his way out of this one, when Hare leaned forward.
On the first of April, Hatter dropped into a chair and poured some tea. He seemed noticeably uncomfortable, but nevertheless relieved as he sipped.
The Tweedles reached the gate a moment later.
"Gee, Hatter, you've really let the shrubbery go," Dum offhandedly greeted.
"I've been having constant sex the past month. What's your excuse?" As they joined him at the table, he laid a cloth over his lap and put a nearby teapot on his crotch.
"Good point. Truthfully, after what happened in our living room the first day, it's a miracle you've had time to even clean up the house."
"Who said I did? It's a godamn mess in there," Hatter said, swishing his hand behind him. "Pretty much everything needs to be cleaned."
Dee lightly chuckled. "Surely a good vacuum and straightening up would-..."
"No no... When you have the time and the will power to get creative... Lots of-" Just then Alice came skipping down the path. "... Nevermind. Yes. I-I should really vacuum soon."
Unexpectedly, she kept on her way.
"Hey Alice!" Dum's call stopped her in her tracks.
"Oh hey! Mr. Hatter! You're having tea parties again!"
"Y-yeah. Didn't you see us?"
"Well, I've just sorta learned to pass this area with my ears plugged," Alice admitted, looking anywhere but his face.
"Well, it's April 1st. Hare'll be asleep all week and then he'll be back to normal."
"Oh. That's good." Dee passed a teapot to her and she poured contently. "So did you guys ever end up making a compromise?"
"Hmm... who knows. I did disappear every morning, but only because he thought the hunt was kind of exciting. By three I just let him find me and get it over with. ...Truthfully it was almost just as exhausting going around Wonderland looking for hiding places."
"Yes. But I will definitely do this next March, with no help from you guys. Turn on me last minute, like that..."
His guests looked to each other, unsure what to say.
"Of course, I'll have to start plans now... Perhaps develop an alias... Hinterland really wasn't a bad place. Beautiful country-side, orange trees..." He swallowed awkwardly when no one else shared his pleasant vision.
"M-Maybe the Caterpillar will have better advice by then," Alice offered.
"Yeah well, h-he can kiss my ass. I heard about that storybook. It's like he bought it in spite of me."
"In retrospect, I think it was funny," Dum added.
"Yeah, it's always funny when it happens to me, isn't it. I may be hotter than a whistling teapot, but I have feelings too, you know."
They muttered apologies.
"And I'm gonna kill that fucking Cat."
"You always say that," Dee pointed out. Hatter thought about it a moment before taking the teapot off his crotch.
"Well if you'll excuse me, I need a shower really bad. Help yourself to the crumpets." With that, he stood up with help of the table and chair and went on through the swishing "IN" door with a bit of a lazy sway.
Please R&R if you have time. :)