Last chapter! The response to this story has been overwhelming, thank you so much! As soon as my back clears up a little I'm starting on a sequel to 'And the tide rushes in'. I've also got a few oneshots floating around in my head that I will probably write in the coming weeks.
Keep reading and talk to you soon.
And though it's always been with me
I must tear down the wall and let it be
All I am
And all that I was ever meant to be
Shining through and smiling back at all who wait to cross
There is no loss
"So, how'd you do it?"
Sam leaned back on Bobby's old sofa. "I don't really know," he said tiredly. "I don't remember much of it."
Dean handed him a glass of water and two pills. Sam didn't even bother looking what they were before swallowing them.
"When… when we found you, you were muttering something."
"I was?" Sam felt his stomach clench. For all he knew he could have said horrible things to his brother. He didn't exactly have a great track record. The encounter with the siren proved that he could really hurt Dean when he started spewing. Hell, it had happened plenty of times. Doctor Ellicot, Meg, Lucifer…
Dean smiled faintly. "Don't look so worried. You said something about calling the shots in your own head. Does that mean anything to you?"
Sam shook his head. "No, but it makes sense. If Lucifer was fighting me inside my own head…" He made a vague gesture with his hand. "Maybe I was able to take control in there somehow."
"That sounds vaguely schizophrenic, but it makes sense." Dean sat down on the sofa beside him. "You really don't remember anything?"
Sam closed his eyes. "Just flashes. Lucifer… He…" Sam shivered. His own faces drifted in his memories. Distorted and deformed by something that was definitely not human.
Dean put a hand on his shoulder. "Easy Sam. It's alright, don't push yourself."
"I remember hitting you," whispered Sam. "Lucifer wanted to kill you."
"And you stopped him," said his brother softly. "For which I owe you a beer, by the way."
Sam looked up in surprise. "How do you know that?"
"I saw it," said Dean. "Your eyes changed."
Sam looked down at his hands. "I couldn't let him do it. I felt it…" he swallowed. "He made me watch, that day in Stull cemetery. He made me feel it when he… I couldn't do it again."
He felt Dean shift beside him. "Is that why you made Cas promise to kill you if Lucifer got out of control?"
Sam nodded, his still looking anywhere but at his brother's face. "He should have done it," he muttered.
"Alright, that's it." Dean suddenly stood up from the sofa. "Why do you keep saying that? Do you have a death wish?"
"No, it's just…"
"You of all people should know what it feels like to lose a brother. Do you think I'd want to feel like that again?"
Sam looked up in surprise. "Dean, I…"
Dean was staring at him with an unreadable expression in his eyes. "You didn't think about it like that? Well, think again. I'm not gonna let you die. Not for any reason. Got that?"
Sam squeezed his eyes shut to hide his tears. This is what he had missed so badly. All those days, months, years in the pit. The months hunting alone with Lucifer whispering from the back of his mind. I'm not gonna let you die…
"You don't know what it's like," he whispered. "Being forced to do horrible things and nothing you can do will make it stop. Feeling evil running through your veins. It's…" he took a shaky breath. "It's worse than being… down there. It's…"
"But it's never happening again." Dean's voice was suddenly much softer. Sam could feel a hand on his knee, but he didn't open his eyes. "The Devil is gone, Sam. You got rid of him. It's over."
"It's not," whispered Sam. "The blood… It's still inside me, Dean. I can feel it sometimes. I can't…"
"I don't care, Sam. You wrestled with Lucifer inside your own head. You can deal with it, I know you can." The warm hand softly squeezed his knee. "I trust you, Sam. Now all you have to do is trust yourself."
Dean was kneeling in front of his brother, watching him intently. Sam's eyes were closed, tears clinging to his lashes. He looked palter than a corpse and tired to the bone. And above all, he looked completely lost and miserable. And Dean knew there was nothing he could say that could make things go away.
From the day Mary Winchester had made her deal with the yellow eyed demon, Sam's fate had been determined. All his life, he had been pushed towards the dark side. No matter how hard he fought, all his life he had kept sliding down that slope faster than he could run uphill. There were no words to take that all away. But maybe he could make it a little easier on his little brother.
"Do you remember when you told me that you were the least of any of us?" he said softly.
Sam's nod was nearly imperceptible. He didn't open his eyes.
"I never knew that was how you thought of yourself. And it's not true, you know." He cleared his throat, leaning forward a little to study Sam's face. "But it's not up to me to tell you that. It's no use saying it if you don't believe me. You have to see it for yourself."
Sam still didn't say anything. He was a shaking a little his hands clenching and unclenching restlessly. Dean once again took his place next to him on the sofa, their shoulders brushing slightly. "And if you ever think about checking out again, I'm gonna kick your ass myself. You got that?"
Sam chuckled weakly. "Got it."
"Good." Dean softly squeezed his shoulder and stood up. "Bobby should have that guest room ready by now. How does a good night sleep sound?"
Sam rubbed his hands over his face. "Better than heaven."
Dean chuckled softly. "Pretty much everything is better than heaven. Come on, let's get you up."
He grabbed his brother's arm and helped him stand up. Sam swayed on his feet, practically too exhausted to stand. Dean put an arm around his shoulder and led him towards the door. Sam was not alright. Not by far. But they would get there in the end.
Just to be complete, the songs I used are all from Kansas. They are: 'The wall', , 'Hold on', 'Nobody's home' and 'Peaceful and warm'. Inspiration for writing this was of course the finale, and the notion of Sam talking to a priest after his encounter with Lucifer.
Thank you again for all the reviews (and the cookies) and you will hear from me soon!