I am not sure about where this plot bunny was hiding.

A friend of mine found out that my plot bunnies were bored and she gave me a prompt : "Imagine that one of the characters you write about finds FanFiction and sees the stories about him/her."

As a result, this was born.

This is what I think Alister himself would have to say on the subject and is not meant to bash anybody out there. I simply felt that Alister deserved to have a say on the matter and this is what I believe he would say based on what he might read. The subjects in here are generically used; they have popped up multiple times in the discussions me and my friends have had. I don't know whether or not they actually have been touched on in other stories, since I read only non-yaoi stories. Please don't flame me.

With that in mind, you may read.


My name is Alister and I have gathered you all here because I need to have a discussion with you.

I was half hoping that I wouldn't need to even spare a modicum of thought for the matter, but I only had to read a few FanFiction story descriptions to realize how serious this issue is. I have been so badly represented it makes me want to repeatedly hit my head against something hard and hope I forget what I just read.

…It obviously hasn't worked, since after several painful head bashings and a killer headache I still have my memories.

Look, I'm going to have to educate you people on a few things, as much as it pains me to say it. Some of you have seriously misconstrued major details about my personality and I am putting a stop to it. I'm going to go over the three more popular misconceptions about my personality, and then I'll answer any remaining questions you may have.

Let's get started.

MISCONCEPTION ONE: "Alister keeps to himself all the time and he's really pale. That means that he is emo, suicidal, and likes to slit his wrists."

Does it look like I am emo to you people? Last I checked, I don't wear all black or eyeliner, I have no piercings in abnormal places, I like listening to all kinds of music and not just the dark and gloomy music, and I do not secretly write poetry that expresses all of my inner pain. That's for all the wannabe emo kids.

I am not the long lost Cullen. No more claims that I am a vampire, if you please.

I do not cry in my bedroom all alone late at night when I am sure no one can hear me, either. That assumption got old really quick, so please quit saying that I will burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

I keep to myself because, surprise surprise, I am not a social person. I don't do the whole, "OMG let's be friends and run around skipping in the sunshine with singing flowers in the background LOLOLOL!"

I'm pale and that makes me emo? That's really sound logic.

I do not slit my wrists out of pure angst. That is petty, stupid, and immature, not to mention dangerous. I don't wear gloves to hide any scars; I wear them because I drive a motorcycle. Do you have any idea how chapped your hands get after gripping a motorcycle's handlebars for eight hours?

What? You say I act depressed and withdrawn? Well of course I would be! I would love to see any one of you live in a warzone for most of your childhood, watch everyone around you either get blown up or shot to death - including your family - and come out of that as a bright ray of sunshine. But that shouldn't automatically qualify me for membership to the "Suicide Support Squad."

For that matter, why would you think that I would want to commit suicide, aside from half-formed assumptions? Some of you claim, "You lost your family and you want to be with them!"

Good answer, but not enough of a justification in my mind. I would like to die of natural causes, thank you very much; has it occurred to you that maybe I want my family to be proud of me, even though they're dead? Committing suicide won't be garnering me any kudos points.

MISCONCEPTION 2: "Alister is secretly a girl because of his clothes and his physique."

NO.

I am a man, thank you very much, and I would appreciate it if you would recognize me as such. Being called a woman is demeaning not just to me but to other women you've just insulted by calling me as such; you're basing that claim on my appearance and behavior, which is inconsiderate. I've bumped into it before: "Alister's clothes scream out that he's a girl because only girls wear those short shirts and the hairstyle he has is also a girl's."

Hmm, so let me see if I have this right: if you, dear fangirl, decide to wear a baggy t-shirt and you keep your hair incredibly short, this hereby says you are secretly a man.

That's the kind of logic I have to deal with on a regular basis.

In case you missed the memo, I drive a motorcycle and I wear a duster to keep me semi-safe in the event that I have an accident; the shirts keep me cool as I am driving along the road, since I would most likely get heat stroke and crash if I didn't. Besides, I look amazing in that shirt. You're just jealous, admit it.

Since I am not a woman I do not get PMS and I cannot get pregnant. End of that particular discussion.

Hm? You say that I wore a necklace when I was back at DOOM and that's something a girl would wear? Riiiight…Raphael wore a necklace too, and I don't see anybody calling him a woman; same goes for Dartz who, might I add, actually had visibly long eyelashes and may have been wearing mascara. I chose a necklace because the bracelet would clash with the gloves and a ring would chafe.

As far as the argument about my body, it's the one I was born with. I can't exactly call God up and say, "Hey, everyone thinks I'm a girl. Can I have another body?" I can't help it that I'm slender (not skinny, because I actually eat) and I have a light muscle build. That is out of my hands. But thank God for my glorious abs.

My hairstyle is natural (as is the color, so don't you dare start an argument about that), thank you kindly. I do not spend copious amounts of time in front of the mirror fussing over my appearance; it simply turns out that way. I could grow my hair out a bit more, but since you already are laboring under the delusion that I am a girl this would only lead to even more confusion as to my gender.

MISCONCEPTION 3: "Because he looks so feminine Alister is gay."

This is the part where I want to beat my head against the desk.

In the first instance, my wardrobe does not make me gay; my favorite shirt to happens to be lavender and it shows off my ever-so-amazing abs. I wear that shirt because it's empowering, not because I'm a homosexual.

Secondly, whenever someone does think I am gay the people they pair me with actually do make me want to commit suicide on occasion. I'll go ahead and list them, along with the reasons why I wouldn't even dream about it:

Seto Kaiba

This one made me laugh. I spent most of my life hating him for supposedly killing my little brother and because I believed that he was responsible for supplying weapons that killed my neighbors and destroyed everything around me. Now, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to suddenly fall head over heels in love with him just because he didn't do all that?

No. Faulty line of reasoning, people. Kaiba and I are perfectly content disliking each other. He's an arrogant, cold, egotistical man whose only redeeming quality is the fact that he cares for his family. There is no conceivable way to make it work, so QUIT STICKING ME WITH HIM.

Raphael

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!…oh wait, you're serious.

Am I allowed to have friends without being paired with one of them? Not only is the idea not possible, but it's also highly ridiculous. Raphael identifies himself as straight, and he's also someone that I consider as the older brother I never had. That is practically incest—among other things.

Hold on a second, a person in the back has a suggestion. She just said that quiet people attract quiet friends, and since Raphael is big and strong he can wrap his arms around me and…I think I just died inside. You, out. Leave now before I do something violent.

I believe that I have already made it clear that I am NOT a woman—I do not need to be protected from anything. Raphael does not need to come to my rescue and I do not need to be the damsel in distress.

Quiet people do attract quiet friends—but that does not automatically make us soul mates.

Valon

Why are people so desperate to stick me with him? It's really no different than sticking Jounouchi with Kaiba—it lacks creativity and it's also really tacky. "I argue with Valon so much and this in turn makes me fall in love with him and in spite of our differences he miraculously loves me back."

...LAME.

Let me point out three painfully obvious things:

1. Valon seems to be more interested in women, and this has been evidenced multiple times by his pursuit of Mai and his current interest in Shizuka.

2. Before you claim that he's chasing women to make me jealous, let me also point out that he was raised in a Catholic church. True, he isn't a devout Catholic, but he did grow up with a nun. I am fairly sure that it had a huge amount of influence on him.

3. We get along about as well as oil and water.

We're friends. F-r-i-e-n-d-s. Nothing more, nothing less.

Dartz

Oh for the love of…when I said I would do anything to avenge myself against Kaiba I didn't mean I would go that far! Besides of which, he's the guy who really did kill my brother and was responsible for the destruction of my childhood—and you expect me to magically forget about all that? Oh, and just because you're still desperate for me to end up with him, please keep in mind that he's ten thousand years old.

Ew. Just…ew.

(On another note, Raphael requests that you stop sticking him with Dartz. It's really pathetic and he loves Dartz about as much as he would love having his fingernails and toenails yanked out with a pair of pliers.)

Let me say this only one more time: MY APPEARANCE DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFY ME AS GAY.


Now, I've decided to allow some questions to be posted here, because I know a couple of them have popped up during the course of this conversation:

-What about OC's?

That's a good question. I don't mind them, though there's the occasional Mary Sue. As long as they are human and I don't seem to instantly sweep the girl (or guy, because hey, you never know) in question off her feet, stick them on the back of my motorcycle, and ride off into the sunset in the very first paragraph, I think I could handle it. Bear in mind though that in real life I'm not too interested in a relationship right now; maybe in the future, but for now I plan to remain single.

-How do you feel about being paired with Anzu, Mai or Shizuka?

Ending up in a relationship with Anzu isn't all that likely. She hangs around with the Pharaoh and his friends too much for her to even glance once at me, let alone initiate a relationship with me. I'm not going to encroach on your freedom, though, if you do want to write me with Anzu; I'm here just to straighten a few things out, not discourage you from writing. Just do me a favor and keep the both of us in character.

Mai? Please—she and I hate each other. Pure and simple. There is no chemistry, and if it isn't hate it's intense dislike.

I don't think I would be in a relationship with Shizuka. Jounouchi wouldn't let me live if I asked her out; he barely tolerates his own friends as it is. If I tried a relationship he'd have my head. Besides, she seems happy enough with Valon and her friends—she doesn't need me to be anything more than a friend.

-You stalked Kaiba for most of your life! How could you not fall in love with him?

Key word in that question: "stalked."

I basically spied on him for seven years without his knowledge (and FYI, I did not look in on him while he slept or put cameras in his bathroom). That's a great way to start a relationship, don't you think? And no, I don't think he's "drop-dead sexy" or "hot" and I certainly don't give a flip about his "dark cobalt eyes."

Again, it's a faulty line of reasoning to assume that I should end up with my enemy.

-Do you secretly love Valon? Raphael? Mokuba?

...Didn't I cover this back in Misconception 3? Raphael and Valon are my two best friends, and just because I spent a good portion of my life with them it does not mean that we should become something more. As far as Mokuba is concerned, NO. And before you ask, I like being with younger children because it reminds me of my brother; Miruko died when he was only seven years old. This does not automatically make me a pervert.

-If you aren't suicidal then why was it that you nearly killed yourself along with Kaiba and his brother on that airplane?

If I had known that the Orichalcos was going to severely mess up those delicate airline instruments I would have not even thought about the duel. But on the other hand, the Orichalcos was also clouding my thoughts and I wasn't able to think all that clearly about the consequences.

Besides, I couldn't very well stop the duel even if I realized what was going to happen—the Orichalcos might have made things worse if I tried to stop the duel. If Kaiba had lost I planned on steering the plane back to the ground but I lost before I could do that.

-Have you thought about committing suicide before?

I won't lie: yes, I have. Living through a war and seeing what I have at such an early age is a pretty good motivator behind wanting to end it all, and back in DOOM the Orichalcos didn't help any. But have I actually slit my wrists before or do I still think about suicide? No.

-Do you do drugs?

You wish. No, I do not snort cocaine or the like. While we're discussing it, I also don't favor drinking or want to get tattoos; I want my body in perfect health and doing drug/drinking liquor would only fuel the belief that you think I am suicidal. I am that rare breed of humanity that actually doesn't want to mess his body up—what a shocker.

-If you aren't a woman and you don't cross-dress, why does Mai have the same pair of gloves that you do?

...That's...really random.

That's also not my fault. I was in DOOM first and I had my gloves long before Little Miss Loud Mouth showed up. She probably stole a pair of my gloves when I wasn't looking—if anything, you should ask her why she is wearing a man's biker gloves.


So what have we learned about my personality? Let me sum it up in case you don't want to go back through and re-read everything:

I am not gay based on my appearance.

I am not suicidal.

I AM A MAN.

Thank you for your time. I hope that I don't have to do this again, because if I do there may be violence involved.