Fangirls: A Hobbit's Guide to Self-Protection

Author: Lady Alyssa

Inaccurate Spell checking, incompetent beta'ing and sycophancy: Random Flatmate.

Disclaimer: Hobbits, Elves, and nassty Bagginses not ours (verdamnt!). Fangirls not ours either, but this is a Good Thing.

Reviews: Much liked. Please?

Story note: Weirdness born from the work of the less mature members of who write things like `The Fangirl's Guide to Hunting Elves' and Mary-Sues everywhere.


Do you know how the first Fangirls were created? Morgoth, the first dark lord took some perfectly innocent 13 year old girls and tortured and mutilated them and forced them to watch The Faculty 27 times a day until they became something much more evil and dark. He turned them into Fangirls, the scourge of Middle Earth and the Internet alike.

They spread out through all the lands carrying off Men, Elves and Hobbits to feed the fires of their obsession at night and hiding in the caves and dark places of the world during the day in an attempt to make themselves look pale and interesting in case one day their quarry would willingly come back to the caves and make wild monkey love to them instead of being hit over the head with a laptop and dragged away to fulfil their sordid desires.

But, sadly for the Fangirls, this will never be and so the rest of Middle Earth rejoices because there is one obstacle standing between the Fangirls and their goal, their complete lack of intelligence, which of course is not helped by their inability to understand the ways of Middle Earth and the fact that they have to keep stopping to reapply their inch-thick warpaint or remove their strange footwear which is completely unsuited to the unspoiled terrain.

Habitat: Older Fangirls will be found in the Inns of Middle Earth, hiding behind a large bottle of clear liquid, but do not accept a drink for it will never be water. Younger specimens can turn up more or less anywhere due to too much imagination and too little sense - do not assume that the middle of the Dead Marshes are safe, for they will be there, wearing the only pair of pink high-heeled fisherman's waders outside of Mordor. Only ever accept food from waitresses - anyone who looks as if they might be a serving wench should be avoided at all costs. Some Fangirls choose to attach them selves parasitically to anything vaguely royal, or, more accurately, to anything vaguely male (which can become quite distressing for some of the more androgynous Elves).

Detection: Fangirls are very easy to spot. Most are under the age of 15, but the rarer, older ones are to be feared even more because they wiser, more cunning, heavier and probably have a better idea about how `wild monkey love' is supposed to work and only a Hobbit of the strongest constitution will be able to survive this experience. Their failed attempts to wear corsetry can also mark them out, as they spend most of their time hunched over a keyboard and do not know that the most comfortable way to wear a corset is to sit up straight; be on the lookout for heaving bosoms accompanied by an expression of severe pain. Those who are not in corsetry will be trying for the `mediaeval look' and will be the only people in Middle Earth, apart from Elves wear velvet, and Elves tend not to spill their dinner on it. Some Fangirls may be under the impression that they are Elves and will even go to the lengths of attaching stick-on ear points; in Mirkwood, this problem has become so
severe that it has become part of accepted etiquette for a female Elf to waggle her ears in greeting to prove that they are not made of plastic.

Combat: As a Hobbit, you lack the main advantages that Elves and Men have over them: size and strength. The average Fangirl will be at least 1 feet taller than you, and while they may not appear strong it is unwise to underestimate the amount of force which can be put behind a young, hormonally driven body, honed by many hours in front of a computer screen. Your ability to hide and to move silently will be of little use as it would seem that they are highly trained in observation and have senses more finely tuned in to finding a creature of the opposite sex than those of the average Elf are to finding Orcs. All you will have left to use against them are tactical advantage, and, to some extent, speed, although a sharp sword, bottle of poison or a length of rope can be used to even the odds. If you are able to acquire the fabled weapon `Kalash'nikov' this will be of great use to you.

Do not fall into the trap that so many have before of looking to your Human or Elf companions for help as they too can become snared by the Fangirls `charms' (only sorcery could persuade anybody to be attracted to these `people'). If the Fangirl becomes injured, do everything in your power to drag your starry-eyed friend away and leave the Fangirl to die, or if you are feeling particularly compassionate or, as is more likely, suspicious of their resilience, take the precaution of putting it out of its misery before you move on.

Other Handy Hints: Fangirls may be convinced that you have an alternate names, if one runs at you screaming `Elijah', do not assume, that because your name is Frodo, they are looking for someone else. Trying to look helpless in order to gain their pity will not improve matters for you, as this will only provoke their strange behaviour further. Hobbits over the age of 70 seem to mostly have been ignored, so one successful method of avoiding Fangirls is to dye your hair grey and try your best to look very old (spending a lot of time with Gandalf the Grey or going on a long quest carrying an object of ultimate evil tends to do the trick). Female Hobbits married to more unattractive husbands (ie, those who are unusually tall, skinny or who have big, creepy, elvish-looking eyes), it is suggested that you lock them in the house and only allow them to venture forth under cover of darkness wearing a cowl and possibly wearing your own dresses as a further precaution.

Overall, the authors would like to assure Hobbits that Fangirls attacks are very rare and by taking these precautions you should be able to avoid them altogether - it is Elves who seem to suffer the most in Fangirl assaults. However, if your name is Frodo Baggins, the only advice we can give you is to emigrate. Now. (Apparently the Elves have a nice place in the west.)