Deadpool: 3Blue3Moon3 does not own Disney or Marvel.
Me: That is kinda redundant.
Deadpool: What do you mean?
Me: You could have just said I didn't own Disney to make it shorter. You know, since Disney owns Marvel now.
Deadpool: Author chick say what? You're joking right? You made a funny.
Me: No, they really did.
(runs away, screaming hysterically)
Me: Um, Italics are songs.
Deadpool: THE HORROR!
Everywhere he looked, there were mouse ears. On the walls, carved into the streets, plastered on the windows. It was basically a city inside a city dedicated to a mouse. It was just a freaking mouse. What's with the obsession? Was it some kind of cult? Whatever. That wasn't important now. What was important was that he had lost his twelve year old daughter and her 'uncle' in Disneyland, Florida. He wasn't really sure how he'd lost them. He turned his back five seconds to growl at the annoying idiot dressed up like a duck who wouldn't stop following them and when he turned they were gone. They did it on purpose. He knew it.
Normally, losing someone wasn't a problem for Logan. His enhanced senses helped with that. However, tracking a little girl at the world's most popular amusement park during the summer wasn't exactly easy. Quite frankly, the place reeked of sweat, sugar, and piss. That was one reason he wouldn't let Anna go on the water park rides. He had her scent but it was too faint with every other scent floating around.
If he were anyone else, he might have gone to security. But he wasn't anyone else. He was the Wolverine and there was no way he was going to ask rent-a-cops for help. It was like that whole asking for directions thing guys had a problem with. Go figure. He would have to do it the old fashion way. Plus she wasn't alone. She had Wade and…she had Wade… crap.
Anna and Wade had been dragging Logan all over the park. At first, his 'pouting', as Wade and Anna had put, which was actually scowls and glares, had been 'adorable'. But that had gotten old after two hours. It was hard to enjoy the 'happiest place on earth' with a glowering badger breathing down your neck. So Wade and Anna had decided to ditch Logan at the first opportunity. Well, Wade had decided and threw Anna over shoulder and ran away then 'talked', i.e. pleaded, her to go along with it, claiming he couldn't be left alone for long periods of time without someone to talk to because he got lonely. That hadn't worked. Then he promised her to buy her hot fudge sundaes, a stuffed Genie, and get her into the Cinderella castle that was closed off to the non-filthy rich people, and whatever else she wanted.
Presently, Anna was eating an ice cream cone as they both strolled to 'Africa.'
"This is taking way too long," Wade said.
"Nothin' we can do 'bout that."
He held up a finger to contradict her.
"Au contraire. We can hail a ride from one of those Mickey carts the security people have."
"I don't think those are for us to ride on."
"That's absurd. After all the cash they bled off us just to get in here, of course they would let us hop a ride. It's not like they need them for anything important. They just have fat, lazy security guards ride over the park all day."
At just that moment, Wade spotted a black pair of mouse ears that were mounted on the security carts. He raised a hand to his mouth and whistled and made a motion with his other hand to call the guy over. The heavyset man spotted him and pulled over.
"Hey, you mind giving us a ride to the, uh, Africa thing?"
"Is there an emergency?"
"Is there an emergency?" the guard repeated.
"Uh, no, that's just a long walk and we're on vacation so I have a right to be lazy. It's in the Constitution."
"No, but the government's making up all this other stuff so I thought I'd just throw that one out there."
"Well, sir, we have a policy here that states that non-employees cannot ride the carts unless there is an emergency."
"An emergency, huh?" Wade mused thoughtfully. Never a good sign. Thought on Wade's part, that is. "What if something happened to you? Would it be 'going against policy' if we rode then, maybe even drove?"
The guard considered for a moment.
"No, I suppose not. That woul – "
He was cut off when Wade's hand hit a pressure point on his neck and he slumped in his seat unconscious. To anyone passing by, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He then unceremoniously dumped the man in the back of the cart , 'borrowed' his Costas, placed a convenient tarp over him and plopped down in his seat. He turned to Anna with a smile who had been watching the whole thing wile demolishing her ice cream.
"Headed my way?"
She just rolled her eyes and climbed in the other side.
"Uh, no, I'm psychotic. There is a difference."
And with that, he drove off towards there previous destination. Along the way, he kept a steady commentary on the people they passed.
"Would you look at that guy? He looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
Anna giggled which only encouraged him.
"Eeeww. If I were trapped in a room with two tigers, that chick, and had a gun with two bullets, I'd shoot her twice."
And then they passed a particulary hefty, scantily clad, black woman and Wade could not help but bust out with,
"Nasty put some clothes, I told ya. Don't walk out your house without no clothes, I told ya. Girl, watcha thinkin' 'bout lookin' that to' down, I told ya. These men don't want no hot female that's been around the block female, you nasty girl."
Anna joined him for the chorus. It should go without saying that they had been receiving looks long before this.
"Shakin' that thang on that man, lookin' all stank and nasty. Swore you look cute, girl, in them dukes, booty all out lookin' trashy. Sleazy, put some clothes.
They repeated the chorus twice then went on.
"Booty all out, tongue out her mouth, cleavage from here to Mexico, she walks with a twist, one hand on her hip, when she get wit'cha she lets it go."
The woman noticed them and was rapidly making her over to their cart. Though they didn't have to walk, they weren't going very fast. This was unfortunate because she had three large, angry looking men trailing her. Not that Wade couldn't take them, but he would most likely be 'escorted' out of the park and ruin Anna's day. And he couldn't have that. So he did the first thing that came to him. He jumped off the cart, dragging Anna with him, screaming,
"Bomb! It's a bomb!"
Do I really need to go into the chaos that caused? Seriously? Fine. There was yelling and screaming. People shoved little kids out of the way who were too slow. It was basically just bedlam. The bomb squad was called to handle the bomb. (Duh) And you know, this is just gonna be a pointless distraction to the main, pointless story about the bomb squad looking like idiots and Peter (you have no idea how much funny there is behind the story of 'Peter' LOL) , the guard being interrogated by the FBI about being involved with terrorists.
"I keep telling you people, I'm a Mormon!"
"Special Agent Dave, is he being hostile?"
"I believe he is, Special Agent John."
"Sweet," Special Agent John pushed a button on the wall that sent a electric shock through him.
"These Disney facilities are pretty impressive."
"Mmhmm," Special Agent John agreed as he watched Peter convulse. (LOLOLOLOL! I know y'all don't get it! It ain't meant for y'all. Oh have mercy! Lol..ow)
Where the flip was I? Oh, right. They were pretty close to 'Africa' at this point. In fact, they could see it.
"Was that really necessary?"
"Of course. It wasn't, but it was funny."
"Yeah, I guess."
They walked through 'Africa' with Anna looking at everything with interest and Wade not. He'd been to the real Africa. This was just an imitation. Granted, it was a pretty good imitation but still. After browsing the bazaar, they made to the safari area. Unfortunately, it was closed for some reason or another that neither really paid attention to. Needless to say, Anna was not pleased. She turned around in a pout with her arms crossed and a fierce scowl that was downright Logan worthy. Well, that was unacceptable. It was then that Wade had another brilliant idea. He was on a roll today. He jogged up to Anna and whispered in her ear. The scowl slowly disappeared to be replaced with a wicked grin. They backed up a few paces then started running and screaming at the top of their lungs,
"Run for your lives! THEY'RE LOOSE!" ( I really want to try this)
Once again, everyone started freaking out and stampeding away. The duo had slowed down and moved over to the edges of the crowd and slipped onto a bench to watch the proceedings. Anna was practically dying from laughter. When every one else was gone and she could breath again, she wiped the tears from her and asked Wade,
"Ya think their 'Spain' has a runnin' of the bulls?"
"When did you get so evil? I love it," he stood, pulled her up, and tucked her bare hand in the crook of his arm as the two sauntered out of the deserted streets of 'Africa'.
As it happens, Orlando, 'Spain' does not have the running of the bulls. They do, however, have flamenco dancing. Wade had bought Anna a red, orange, and yellow wrap-around skirt that she put on over her grey pants that didn't match her blue tank top in the slightest. No one really cared though, as the two twirled around the dance floor, her skirt swirling around her white sneakers as Wade spun and dipped her playfully. Presently, they had the floor to themselves as the crowd clapped to the beat and the band played. When the song ended, the people sent up an uproarious cheer, and Anna and Wade bowed and curtsied respectively. They took their seats at their tables.
"We've gotta do that again!" she was grinning widely at him.
"I could dance all night, if that is the senorita's wish."
"Lemme catch my breath first, sugar," she said and sipped her watered down, very, very watered down, 'wine'. It was so watered down, it really couldn't be called wine.
Wade noticed a boy, about fourteen, approaching their table. Nicely dressed for tourist clothes, clean little baby face, dark hair, and blue eyes. Probably going to ask Anna to dance. No way in hell. Normally, Wade wouldn't mind. If it Jimmy was here, he'd be muttering about teenagers and their hormones and how he was going to dissect the 'little punk'. But this kid had this look on his face that Wade did not like. The kid came up and had the gall to smile at him and tap Anna on the shoulder.
"Would you like to dance?"
She looked him up and down. Just as she opened her mouth, Wade jumped out of his seat, reached over and slapped the boy full across the face. Anna just stared at him. The boy's face was priceless. His eyes were bugged out, mouth open, staring at him in horror. Wade merely walked around the table, took Anna's hand, and pulled her through the silent restaurant to the exit. Once they made to the street, Anna yanked her hand away.
"Why did you do that? He just wanted to dance with me!" Anna yelled at him, so mad she was trembling, and once or thrice again drawing attention.
Wade answered, her looking completely unapologetic, though a little cowed by her anger.
"He had that look on his face."
"The look that says 'I need to be slapped'. Just what was I supposed to do?"
Anna just glared at him.
"Come on. Don't be mad. He wasn't a good guy."
She put a hand on her hip and cocked it out.
"I'm not sorry. I'd so do it again."
"He was totally out of line."
She didn't say a word.
"Don't be that way."
She remained silent.
"Fine. Be that way. I can play the silent treatment too."
He crossed his arms and stared her down. Anna didn't blink.
They stood like that for a good five minutes. You know, 'cuz they are stubborn like that. During that time, a small crowd had gathered, thinking that the two were apart of a show or something. They were partly right.
Wade suddenly threw himself at Anna's feet, clutching her skirt.
"Please, please, please talk to me! You know I don't do well with the quiet! It scares me. Please! I promise I won't slap anymore little punks no matter how much they deserve it! Anna, please, speak to me!"
She looked down at him dispassionately as he gazed at her with his best impression of a kicked puppy, completely ignoring their enraptured audience. Then she sighed and rolled her eyes and hauled him up.
"You are so pathetic."
"Yay!" he immediately perked up and planted a kiss on her forehead.
"Off to the castle!" he declared with a pose and hauled Anna behind him. The crowd clapped and parted out of their way. One boy got a little too cheeky and wolf whistled at her. Wade immediately rounded on him, yelling,
"You keep your eyes in your head, boy, or I'll cut them out!"
"What! I said I wouldn't slap them anymore."
Me: Don't worry 'bout Wade. He'll be fine.
Deadpool: THEY'RE GOING TO DESTROY US ALL!
Me: Ahem...I have never been to Disney land so I don't know what you would call the area where you keep 'africa'. I'm not done with this and I'm not sure when I'm gonna finish it. I need pranks people. Let me know if you laughed, maybe just a chuckle.(Deadpool in the background: DESTROY US ALL!) I'm gonna do another version of this…at some point. I don't own that Destiny child song either. I like it and find it hilarious, and now ironic considerin' how all of them now dress. This is based off a conversation from my other story, She Got It Honest.
REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!
Deadpool: DESTROY US ALL!
Me:WADE! SHUT UP!
Deadpool: (whispers) destroy us all....