To all Shinigami - Seireitei does not celebrate "Talk Like a Pirate Day". If I hear one more "arr", heads are gonna roll.
Aizen Sosuke - Just because you "love the smell of fear in the morning" does not mean you should sneak into Seireitei just to perch on people's beds and hover over their faces moments before their alarm clock goes off, no matter how girly their shrieks may be.
Abarai-fukutaicho - The song will end. It will not go on and on, and we are not your friends. "Some people" did not start singing it. You started singing it and you knew exactly what it was. If we have to tape your mouth shut, you will not continue singing it, especially not forever. I think I speak for everyone when I say "Shut the hell up!"
Ayasegawa Yumichika - "All I know is that it started in the bathroom, and it involved 150 tons of honey, a wild boar's head, a 5-foot-tall papier-mache rhinoceros, several hundred unripened bananas and a US Navy depth charge" does not adequately explain why you hopped into your division this morning dazed, wrapped from neck-to-ankles in cellophane and naked except for a superman cape.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez - Welcome to the Gotei 13. Please don't eat the souls.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - You are not taking that swordfish into battle. Put it back where you found it.
Hitsugaya-taicho - "Release the hounds" is not a proper response when your fukutaicho squashes your head between her breasts and hugs you tightly.
Ichimaru Gin - We do not need any more entertainment. Seireitei is chaos personified. You will not be staging a production of The Full Monty to the song "I'm Too Sexy". - Just because we technically do not have any authority over you anymore does not mean you should shout "You're not my real mother!", run into a random room and slam the door angrily. Even if it is slightly funny to watch the door immediately reopen and the entirety of the fourth division come pouring out in a panic, screaming about foxy bunny-devils who have come to molest them and eat their souls.
Inoue Orihime - We understand that you, like many others in Kurosaki-taicho's division, have not had the proper training most receive before becoming shinigami. That said, we have noticed a recent influx of traumatized souls arriving in Soul Society that seem to think they are in Hell and that I am the devil. We have tracked the origin of the souls to the area of the living world you have recently been assigned to patrol. I feel that it is my duty to make it clear to you that your heartfelt speech to recently departed souls about how passing on to Soul Society is for the best should not end with you emphatically declaring "Hail Satan!" just before you preform konso.
Ise-fukutaicho - Your twenty years of accrued paid vacation time is not to be taken consecutively.
Ishida Uryu - Stop accepting dates you have no intention of showing up for. - Even if you send Zaraki-taicho in your place. Zaraki-taicho is not an acceptable substitute for anything.
Kira-fukutaicho - Despite what Kuchiki-fukutaicho told you, there is no such thing as an EmoScale and Ulquiorra Schiffer is not EmoKing to your EmoLord. Even if there were such a thing, having a lower score would be a good thing. - Stop trying to out-emo people. "It's not intentional" is no excuse. - Unohana-taicho would like to see you. Something about "happy pills".
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - Stop following me around with fire extinguishers and spraying me whenever I so much as look like I'm about to release my zanpakuto. - Kurosaki put you up to this, didn't he?
Kuchiki-taicho - It is not a cruel joke played by Kurosaki-taicho. Your newest recruit's name really is Hisana. However, it is not that Hisana. Sorry. - Kyoraku-taicho has graciously agreed to take her off your hands.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - When your friends get drunk and pass out, you are not to strip them naked, put cat ears on their heads and place them in Kurosaki-taicho's bed. - Nor Kuchiki-taicho's. - Even if Grimmjow said you could. He does not have any sort of authority, at all. You are supposed to be the authority in your division. - That does not mean you don't need to ask permission before embarking on one of your escapades.
Kurosaki-taicho - If you happen to wake up from a night of hard drinking to find Abarai-fukutaicho asleep in your bed, naked except for a pair of cat ears, your first course of action should not be to leap from the bed, run down the hall and angrily pound on your fukutaicho's door, making demands that we are not sure are physically possible to comply with. Instead, your first course of action should always be to put on pants.
Kurosaki Isshin - We appreciate your assistance, but we must kindly request that you do not interfere in battles we are already winning only to declare "I've come to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum!" If you behave, we will give you more bubblegum.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - You are hereby forbidden to show up for duty without your ridiculous costume on. It confuses people and the last thing we need is a fanclub dedicated to you. Ever since Aizen, we like our evil to look evil, and our crazies to look crazy.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - Stop mimicking your taicho. He is not a role model for anything, except Crazy.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Non-flammable is not a challenge.
Kyoraku-taicho - You are not on a treasure hunt for "booty". Halloween is over. Take off the pirate costume.
Madarame Ikaku - As there is no supporting evidence, you have been denied leave for "recuperative purposes" following your disappearing act. The fact that you reappeared on your own three days later, naked, disoriented and covered in bite marks, does not lend credence to your claims that you were captured by Aizen and imprisoned in Las Noches. Your story of how you were tied up by your wrists, dangling from the ceiling, and somehow managed to gnaw through your bonds, fashioned a parachute out of toilet paper, slipped out a window, glided to the ground, stalked an Arrancar, pounced him the moment he opened a Garganta, and leaped through to freedom are frankly ridiculous. While we usually cannot disbelieve anything concerning Urahara, it is just silly to believe that you could sneak across half of Japan naked, into his shop, incapacitate him and "borrow" his Senkaimon to return to Soul Society. If you continue to make up such wild stories, we will have to bar you from consuming alcohol.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Stop feeding the Hell Butterflies sake. "I was drunk at the time" is no excuse.
Shihoin Yoruichi - Pick a form and stay in it. Your habit of changing from cat to woman in public, then walking around naked, is hampering the effectiveness of our male shinigami, and Soifon.
Soifon-taicho - No matter how rude Zaraki-taicho is, when he bumps into you and doesn't apologize, you should not attempt to get revenge by dropping to the ground and faking a seizure. He'll just laugh and ask if he gets your division if you die.
Ukitake-taicho - Your drunken karaoke left all hearts aflutter, at least until you suffered a severe case of hiccups and then dissolved into giggles near the end. Even then, we saw a few women swoon. The members of the Shinigami Men's Association feel you should be warned that you are dangerously close to being kidnapped, again. Please take steps to ensure that you are never alone with, or off your guard near, any member of the Shinigami Women's Association. As possibly the only taicho who is both effective and well liked, we cannot afford to lose you for any amount of time.
Unohana-taicho - When that hypochondriac asks you, for the fifth time this week, what he has, you should not tell him with a completely straight face, "Leprosy."
Urahara Kisuke - Keep your minions out of Soul Society.
Yamada Hanataro - Please stop shrinking people's clothing a few centimeters at a time over a period of months to make them think they're growing, even when they've already reached their full height. - Kuchiki-fukutaicho, Kusajishi-fukutaicho and Hitsugaya-taicho would like to speak with you.
Zaraki-taicho - Just because you wear an eye patch all the time does not mean you are 50% more pirate than anyone else. - Stop beating up those ninja.