Attention All - Let us all warmly welcome back Hirako Shinji, Sarugaki Hiyori, Aikawa Love, Kuna Mashiro, Muguruma Kensei, Otoribashi Rojuro, Ushoda Hachigen and Yadomaru Lisa. They have graciously agreed to join the thirteenth and three quarters division and serve under Kurosaki-taicho. I am sure they are all happy to be home and will not to hold our actions one hundred years previous against us. Let us all overlook any strange behaviors that may occur while they become reacquainted with our wor-OHGODTHEPAIN!
Attention Academy Students - Stop daring your classmates to spend a night in the thirteenth and three quarters division. It is not a haunted house, no matter the oppressive reiatsu, ominous dark clouds that hover over it, monsters that dwell within and the fact that anyone who goes in comes out changed.
Aizen Sosuke- We did not need to know that there is a standard "safe word" in your dungeons, even if you plan to imprison captured shinigami there. - We would rather die than visit your dungeons.
Abarai-fukutaicho- Kotetsu-fukutaicho and Kotetsu Kiyone are not to be referred to as "bookends". - Or Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro. - Or Kuchiki-taicho and Kuchiki-fukutaicho. - I'm not sure you understand what "bookends" is supposed to mean.
Ayasegawa Yumichika- Stop gluing furniture to ceilings. No one is going to wake up and think gravity has reversed itself, no matter how drunk they may be.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez- Just because you "laugh at death" does not mean you have to laugh every time a shinigami trips. - Stop tripping shinigami so you can laugh at them.
Hinamori-fukutaicho- Just because there is no rule specifically forbidding wielding a ferret in place of one's zanpakuto does not mean one should, no matter how cute and fluffy it may be. Stop abusing cute, fluffy things. Even the really 'bitey' ones.
Hirako-taicho- Welcome back as taicho of the fifth division. Good luck with Hinamori-fukutaicho. You'll need it.
Hisagi-taicho- Cocooning people in plastic wrap and tying them upside-down from the ceiling is not an appropriate punishment. - Just because you are a taicho does not mean your word is law. - As you seem to need someone to keep you from going mad with power, we have assigned Sarugaki Hiyori as your fukutaicho.
Hitsugaya-taicho - Stop sending me everything that Matsumoto-fukutaicho breaks along with a weekly Fukutaicho Expense Report. She is your fukutaicho. Handle her. - By "handle her", I did not mean turn her into an ice sculpture. - "It worked, didn't it?" is no justification.
Ichimaru-taicho- You and Kira-fukutaicho are not superheroes. Stop introducing yourselves as Captain Cocky and the Twelve-Inch Pianist. - That joke is not funny.
Inoue Orihime- If, by some miracle, you get your hands on the Hogyoku, you are not to attempt to feed it to Kurosaki-taicho. For one, I very much doubt it can be consumed without choking him to death. Second, I shudder to think what might become of him should he acquire its power. - Also, getting lost in Hueco Mundo while looking for a quiet place to debauch your boyfriend, stumbling into a secret room and knocking the pedestal over while attempting to remove his pants is not a miracle. - Stop debauching Schiffer while on missions. I believe you were sent to Hueco Mundo to negotiate with Aizen, not fornicate. - Just because Aizen cowers at the sight of you and calls you "Great and Fearsome Queen of Hueco Mundo" does not mean you are irreplaceable.
Ise-fukutaicho- If you see a book titled Necronomicon Ex Mortis, do not read from it, no matter how deliciously tempting it may be.
Ishida Uryu - You do not have the authority to declare war on anyone, least of all your neighbors who like to loudly engage in activities at three in the morning on your day off. - Why is everyone so obsessed with declaring war? We're already at war.
Kira-fukutaicho- Stop calling your taicho "Master". It's creeping people out.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho- Stop telling the eleventh division that there are ryoka loose in Seireitei demanding to fight them just so they'll spend the entire day searching for them and you can have a peaceful day of not having to patch them up.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro- Sneaking into the records room and altering official documents to include Kurosaki-taicho in the Shiba family does not make it official. Stay out of restricted areas! - I thought you'd given up on this?
Kuchiki-taicho- Please do not save Kurosaki-taicho when he is being chased by Zaraki-taicho who is demanding a rematch by grabbing Kurosaki-taicho, informing Zaraki-taicho that he will be too busy to fight for several hours, then begin molesting him while dragging him off. - At least don't do it in the middle of a crowded street.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - When you and Kurosaki-taicho are coming from one direction, Kuchiki-taicho and Abarai-fukutaicho are coming from another, and meet myself at an intersection, please do not look at me in mock surprise and horror, grab your brother and your taicho, shout "Quick! Back into the closet!", thrust them both into the nearest available cupboard and slam the door. I already know. Everyone knows, and all they did was nod politely to each other in greeting.
Kurosaki Isshin- Stop giving people the "shovel speech". If anyone hurts your son, he'll hurt them right back.
Kurosaki-taicho- I am not amused. Remove that No Vacancy sign from outside your division at once. - Despite the preponderance of taicho-level individuals in your division, we are not changing its name to the All-Powerful Titans, no matter the fact that your division contains "a metric fuckton of awesome and asskickery in hot humanoid flesh".
Kurotsuchi Mayuri- Sorry. Urahara has decided he wants to come back and, frankly, even a psychotic megalomaniac is preferable to you. Especially after that stunt you pulled with the exploding babies. Don't bother packing your things. You won't need them where you're going.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Thank you for pretending you didn't notice the large group of particularly unstealthy individuals led by Kurosaki-taicho and Ishida Uryu creeping into the twelfth division just past noon yesterday. Considering you were not informed of your former taicho's removal from duty, I'm impressed by your observational skills. Most people who see a taicho being carted off, kicking and screaming, by several of his most vocal detractors, who were for some reason dressed as Robin Hood and his Merry Men, would think a kidnapping was in progress. Only one of great intuition would realize they were acting as agents of myself. - Let's pretend that you knew they were acting as agents of myself and were not hoping your taicho was about to be brutally murdered.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho- From now on, if you set it on fire, you are responsible for putting it out. Please do not just stand there as it burns and roast marshmallows over the flames.
Kyoraku-taicho - Just because you woke up that way, it does not mean you must stay that way.
Madarame Ikaku - Should you somehow manage to bluff your way into the control room of a power company, crash their computers and leave nearly the entire city dark, it is best to make a quiet retreat; not loudly declare "I'm a time traveler from many centuries in the past! Your evil witchcraft confuses and frightens me! A pox on you all!" before leaping out a fifth floor window, ditching your gigai mid-fall and leaving it as a "dead body" for the authorities to find. - Do you know how much those gigai cost?
Matsumoto-fukutaicho- Hitsugaya-taicho's head is not a "breast rest". I believe he has told you this before.
Neliel tu Oderschvank- Play dates with Kusajishi-fukutaicho should not involve flamethrowers.
Sasakibe-fukutaicho- I promise I have not forgotten about you. You are just very well behaved.
Shiba Kukaku - As a general rule of thumb, if you have to gag your harem to suppress their cries for help and tie them up to keep them from escaping, this is considered a crime. - I don't care that Kurosaki-taicho's harem is bigger than yours. It is not a contest. - Wait. Since when does he have a harem? One that is not actually his division...
Shihoin-taicho- Your breasts will never officially be classified deadly weapons, no matter how much evidence you provide. Stop trying to smother people with them.
Soifon-taicho- Stop addressing Kurosaki-taicho as Freak-taicho. Just because the combined Hollow reiatsu emanating from their division's barracks started to mutate those who passed too close does not make them the "Freak Squad" and him the head freak.
Ukitake-taicho- I don't care if it bolstered morale and relieved stress. Carving pumpkins into the likeness of those you dislike and blowing them up is not a work-related expense. - I'm starting to become concerned, considering at least eighty percent bore a suspicious resemblance to me.
Ulquiorra Schiffer- No matter how much we generally trust you around the vulnerable souls, having proven yourself more in control of your instincts than most other Hollows, you still don't get a tour of duty in the living world. You are still a Hollow and we are not taking any chances. - If you have a problem with this, take it up with Jaegerjaquez. He's the one who went on a psychotic rampage when the carnival ran out of cotton candy.
Unohana-taicho - Stop telling young shinigami that if they don't eat their vegetables, they'll come alive and eat them instead.
Urahara-taicho- I am not quite sure what you meant when you mentioned Brazil, hiding out from pigs and the heat getting to be too much for you, but welcome back to the Gotei 13. - No need to worry about the heat. Our summers are quite mild.
Yamada Hanataro- Please stop setting Pookie loose on those who harass you. - I don't care that you put them back together. An attack chinchilla is something that should never have existed in the first place!
Zaraki-taicho - Your habit of sleeping with your eyes open is highly disturbing. When you started snoring, half your division screamed in terror and fainted, convinced "the demon" was growling at them.