Attention All - I don't need to hear every detail of your lives. Stop telling me things. I don't care. I'm going to start billing you all for my therapy sessions.
Aizen Sosuke - Stop trying to file for divorce. Despite what Ichimaru-taicho would have you believe, you are not married. You are a prisoner and Kurosaki-taicho is your jailer. - I don't care that you've "seen things, horrible things" or that you've begun sprouting extra appendages due to constant close proximity to massive amounts of hollow reiatsu. You will remain with Kurosaki-taicho for the foreseeable future.
Abarai-fukutaicho - I must remind you that gambling while on duty is forbidden. Either close the betting pool or move it out of Seireitei. - How you intend to confirm a winner of Most Unusual Mutation is a mystery considering how many have been affected and that many remain rather tight-lipped as to the specifics of their mutation. - Kurosaki-taicho cannot be the default winner just because "he's Ichigo".
Ayasegawa Yumichika - Every room in your division does not need to be lit with "mood lighting". Putting aside the danger posed by an open flame beneath hanging cloth, several of our shinigami have expressed a severe dislike of, and sometimes allergy to, hazelnut scented candles. - When your "mood lighting" sets someone's shihakusho on fire, you are responsible for putting them out. Do not try to blame it on Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho. She is remarkably responsible with her defensive pyrotechnics.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez - Stay away from Zaraki-taicho. - When he challenges you to a fight, just say no. - I don't care what Ayasegawa said. Zaraki-taicho's challenges are to combat, not "dick measuring contests". Keep your pants on.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - You are hereby banned from possessing both matches and mechanical lights. You may only release your shikai in battle. Your zanpakuto will be confiscated by Hirako-taicho until such time as he believes you have earned it back. - If you don't stop setting people on fire, you will be relieved of your position and chained to Hitsugaya-taicho.
Hirako-taicho - Stop trying to join Kurosaki-taicho's harem. He already seems to spend more time in the bedroom than on the battlefield.
Hisagi-fukutaicho - You are hindering Muguruma-taicho's effectiveness. He cannot walk with you doing an octopus impression on his leg. Please reserve your clinging for when he is motionless.
Hitsugaya-taicho - You shall not threaten the "wrath of a god" upon those who disparage Hinamori-fukutaicho. She can protect her own reputation, such as it is. And you are NOT a god.
Ichimaru-taicho - I don't care that your ex-boss has a prehensile anything and I very much do not care about your jealousy issues. Stay out of Kurosaki-taicho's personal quarters. - I also don't care that feel you must hand deliver your porn fiction because Kurosaki-taicho has begun setting everything with your name on it on fire. Leave Kurosaki-taicho alone. He is not your reward for a job well done.
Inoue Orihime - Thank you for pointing out our shortcomings in regards to modern governmental agencies. The newly created Health Department will henceforth be performing twice-yearly inspections on any eatery within Seireitei. The Center for Disease Control, tentatively under the control of Urahara-taicho, will now be dealing with both zombie outbreaks and any attempts at cooking by a certain redheaded shinigami female. - Waterworks will not save your restaurant when the men in hazmat suits come out of your kitchen gagging.
Ise-fukutaicho - Absolutely not! Request denied! Any company named "Nerdy and Kinky" with the founders listed as "Na-chin and Li-rin - Chu!" will not be approved to opperate in Seireitei. - Have you been spending time with Ichimaru-taicho?
Ishida Uryu - Your motto is not "Incest is Best 'Cest!" Stop adding it to paperwork below your name.
Kira-fukutaicho - If you must visit the human world during an anime convention, stay away from the Death Note fans. It's just not worth it, trying to convince them that you're a police officer investigating suspicious activity.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho - Laxatives do not cure all ills, no matter how full of shit you think someone is.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - Your taicho's screams do not always require a rescue. Especially not when he is in the safety of his office while in a "meeting" with Kurosaki-taicho. - Despite his fondness for the both of you, one day Kurosaki-taicho is going to get fed up with your over-protectiveness and deliver swift justice upon you.
Kuchiki-taicho - I admit, I am very confused by the details of this little "harem", as your sister is calling it. Speaking as a concerned father figure, are you also sleeping with Ukitake-taicho, or only Kurosaki-taicho?
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Anything that occurs in the privacy of the bedroom should not be secretly recorded and sold to Kuchiki-taicho's fanclub, Kurosaki-taicho's fanclub or any member of the Shinigami Women's Association. - Just because you don't actually share blood with Kuchiki-taicho does not mean your that your perverted peepings are any less incestuous.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Do not hide in trees, peek around corners or perch on rooftops to throw strawberries at your taicho. It's not funny.
Kurosaki Isshin - Muken is not to be used for a "dungeon crawl" and you may not go spelunking within it. - Contrary to popular opinion, the terrors within do not include "grue".
Kurosaki-taicho - When asked what the secret of your success is, it is highly inappropriate to tell people you won the war "one booty call at a time".
Kurotsuchi Mayuri - Your hiding place was not nearly as clever as you thought. Hiding out in the human world amongst similarly painted individuals was not as effective when even the juggalos thought you were creepy.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please do not arrive to official functions dripping wet and with an armful of koi. - Your goldfish does not need a viking funeral. It is both still alive and technically not yours. - Stay out of Kuchiki-taicho's pond.
Kyoraku-taicho - Christmas comes only once per year, no matter how many bows you tie on Ukitake-taicho. - Ukitake-taicho is not Father Christmas, despite what Kurosaki-taicho says. - You and Ukitake-taicho are like sons to me and, like any father, there are things about your personal lives I really don't want to know. - This thing with Kurosaki-taicho is very strange to me. Are you absolutely sure you're not having a mid-life crisis?
Madarame Ikaku - When waiting in a long, slow moving line, please do not break out your dance moves, no matter how "smooth" your Michael Jackson impression is. - There will be NO flash mobs in Seireitei. Take that madness to Rukongai.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Stop trying to confirm rumors of Aizen's possible "tentadicks". - That is a word I have never heard before and, honestly, contemplating it frightens me.
Neliel tu Oderschvank - Your idea of a slumber party and the rest of the worlds idea of a slumber party do not align.
Shiba Kukaku - Stop selling shinigami "special" fireworks. "Dick blossoms" should never be seen in the skies over any division.
Shihoin-taicho - If Soifon-taicho has a stalker, she will deal with them herself. Stop threatening death upon random individuals who look at her for too long.
Soifon-taicho - If you throw off any article of clothing in battle, you must be prepared to count it as lost. - I assure you, Shihoin-taicho is not hording your missing haori and using them for clandestine activities.
Ukitake-taicho - I am happy that you are happy, but could you please be happy in a softer voice? Or perhaps save your happiness for when you are off duty?
Ulquiorra Schiffer - Despite issues telling right from wrong, using Ichimaru-taicho as your moral compass will not help. Perhaps, instead, ask yourself "what would Ukitake-taicho do?"
Unohana-taicho - "Traumatic haircuts" are not worthy of hospitalization.
Urahara-taicho - You will immediately cease all plans to create an opposite gender clone of yourself. I don't care that you feel that anything he can do, you can do better. Kurotsuchi Mayuri should never be the inspiration for anything.
Zaraki-taicho - If just the sight of you causes someone to curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth, stay away from them.
A/N - We're probably pretty much at the end here. I've still got a few incomplete chapters left to go, tentatively titled "Adventures in Hueco Mundo", "A Message from Ichigo - I'm Not a Whore", "Shinigami Q&A", and "Kurosaki-taicho's Guide for New Recruits". The latter may become a new series of its own, considering how long it's gotten already.
If anyone has any questions, now's the time to ask them. I'll answer them in the Q&A chapter. (By which I mean Matsumoto will answer them. She's quite the gossip and has all the juicy details.)