I love witing screwd up shit.

Mirror Thought

Luxord sat quietly in the white chair, waiting for his name to be called. He looked about the white room, staring at the many concerned visitors aside from him. His hands cusped together, and his eyes closed as he waited patiently for his name to be called.

He inhaled deeply, listening to the murmurs that filled the room. People were here for reasons, many reasons. Some came here for loved ones; others were forced for some reason or another. Some were sent here on a personal matter, a matter that brought a sickening sensation throughout his body.

Sooner or later his name would be called.

And what would he say when he entered that room? It had been so long since he had been here, let alone that room. Cowardice was too strong, and the fear of reality had eaten at him for such a long time. He knew he would have to face his fears sooner or later, and now would be better. The longer he waited the sooner the other would deteriorate. It had to be now, if not he would only lead to the death of something he had once cared for.

If he wanted him back…he had to bring him back.

And he had to do it alone.

Luxord could never forget the day he ran into Xigbar. No matter how hard he tried, even after years of trial and error in attempts to forget, it was an impossible thing. His mind simply wouldn't let him give up on what he once considered a beautiful memory.

Bumping into him may have been a mistake, but at that time it seemed like fate that they meet. And Luxord never believed in fate, so it was a big deal to him at the time they looked onto one another.

And even after a simple apology, it seemed like life had plans for them.

Xigbar was something that seemed to run right into Luxord's life, no pun intended of course. He was this sporadic man who just popped up in the others life, bringing a multitude of surprises and many joys into Luxord's everyday. He was different from most men, and whatever it was just seemed to interest Luxord. Xigbar wouldn't always recognize Luxord, but he would always recognize Xigbar. Something was letting bump into the other-a sign. Luxord was sure of it. So, one day, he decided to do more than say a simple hello. And he got to know him better.

Xigbar had this…energy. This bright, bouncy energy and it made Luxord feel welcomed around him. He soon found himself spending more time with Xigbar, and as time went on, soon became infatuated with him and this powerful energy. So what if Xigbar was a bit more out there than most people? If he had his few quirks and those immature moments. It built a better character and made him stand out more. It made him more likable. More lovable.

It was almost natural that the two fall in love, something like a story book fairytale, and that they find themselves in their happily ever after. Of course, considering the realistic elements that surround real life; happily ever after meant Xigbar moving in with Luxord and the two simply sharing their lives together twenty four seven. But hey, it was pleasing enough to the other, and they were content with this move. This step in their lives.

Luxord never figured more could come from this. He figured this the final surprise in his life. He never figured he would just settle down one day, especially while he was till young and exploring the many things in life. Xigbar was a surprise as it was, a really big one too.

But he was a good surprise.

Or at least, that's what he appeared to be.

And now Luxord looked up from his almost sulking position as he heard his name being called. He felt his heart beat rush with a mixed feeling of anticipation and nervousness. He hadn't been here for so long, and he was sure this meeting would turn out to be ugly.

He got up from his seat and made his way to where the nurse was standing, by the off white door. Even from this distance he could see the confused look on her face. She wasn't expecting him to be here. But why should she? He hadn't visited in a long time. Everybody in the building must have figured that he was alone, that there was no family to visit. Nobody.

That wasn't true.

It really was his own fault. He could have come over if he had wanted to. He was just too scared. Too scared to accept it for what it was.

Some people just get sick…

Good people too.

"Xigbar," Luxord called as he made his way through the door. He took a step into his apartment and dropped his bags of groceries on the floor, eager to stretch his arms after the long plight up the stairs. He looked around the living room and sighed when he noticed that Xigbar was no where to be found. And he hadn't answered his call either.

He groaned and headed over to the bedroom.

"I swear, if I find you sleeping," he said in a warning tone. "You said you'd be up and awake when I got up…"

And as he walked through the hallway there was no reply. But as he came up to the bathroom door he could hear the water running. He stared at the door for a few moments before rolling his eyes for a few moments. He figured Xigbar had just gotten up and was attempting to catch up and hurry to get himself ready before he got home. Typical. An extra fifteen minutes of sleep will always be more appealing to the man than any outing planned.

"Xigbar," Luxord said.

There was no reply whatsoever. But the shower was on and running, so he figured Xigbar was getting ready for later on. And so what they'd be a little late?

Xigbar was probably just tired. He had been a bit out of it a couple of times the past few weeks. He'd be awake a few seconds, the fall asleep where he stood. He'd go to sleep earlier and would end up being moody the next day. He figured Xigbar had the flu. But it was never that bad to where Luxord suggested going to the doctor. Even a bit fatigued, Xigbar was still quite energetic and uppity. He'd still find a way to keep Luxord on his toes, despite not being able to stay awake a whole episode of Law and Order. He'd let Xigbar get away with it this time.

"Try to be out in ten minutes," Luxord said, knocking on the door a bit and speaking a bit louder. He walked off and got the bags of groceries, walking to his kitchen to put them away.

Life was something along the lines of boring once one did settle down. There were certain things you just couldn't do once you committed yourself to one person-even if that person was a bit like Xigbar. And not that Luxord disliked his new life, but he did try to make it a bit more interesting. Xigbar enjoyed the more…eccentric things in life, but Luxord wasn't willing to put his life on the line for excitement, so he was usually the day planner for any activities planned.

He wanted them to go out and just do things. Even if it wasn't the most extravagant of things, at least to say they did something. Some people just enjoyed being with the other, and Luxord was one of these people, but he like being more than a doting lover. Walking around the park, holding hands and talking about those sorts of things; he figured he'd save that for when-god forbid-he'd go insane and decide to start a family. Parks were loud and had children covering them, and if he ever found himself in a park it's because he went bonkers and decided to get one of his own.

Not like that would ever happen though.

Luxord put away the last of his things and walked over to the living room where he sat himself down and relaxed a bit. He was already to go; his bag in the car and everything else either on the coffee table or in his pockets. All that was left was Xigbar.

He waited for a few minutes, quietly keeping to himself as he patiently waited for his boyfriend to get himself dressed and ready. He didn't take much notice to the sound of water still running, or the fact that it was running rather loud. He didn't take into account that Xigbar had never replied to him or even acknowledged his existence.

It wasn't taken into account for quite some time, and when Luxord would look back to it he would have realized how foolish he was to not open the door the first time.

After several minutes of sitting Luxord then realized the water was still, in fact on. Xigbar was still in the shower.

Luxord got up from the armchair and walked over to the restroom, ever annoyed that Xigbar was not ready. He wasn't sure whether or not he was playing games with him or whether he had fell into a mess of mud, but it unsettled him that Xigbar just wasn't ready.

"Xigbar," Luxord said, knocking on the door loudly. "Xigbar, get out of the shower already."

And much like the last few times, Luxord wasn't given a reply.

But Luxord, at thing moment, was not longer angered by Xigbar's immaturity.

This time he was worried.


Luxord's hand suddenly found itself latched on the doorknob, tightly holding on to it as his other knocked on the door once more.

"Xigbar, are you quite alright," he asked, his voice raising itself a bit higher so that it would overpower the sound of the water. He opened the door, and took a peek inside. "Xigbar?"

His eyes instinctively looked down, out of fear that Xigbar might have fallen or passed out, but was given a moments relief to see that the floor was free of any body or form. But that relief soon died out when his eyes then laid upon the shower curtains.

He could see a figure within the tub, and from the looks of it the body was hunched over.

That was never a good sign.

Luxord immediate ran into the small room, his hand reaching out for the curtain. It was so rushed, but somehow Luxord managed to pull the curtains away and find himself within the tub. How he got in there he hadn't a clue either. That's just how nervous he was, how afraid for Xigbar he was.

And after that day it only got worse.

When people start to break down…

Luxord walked behind the nurse, keeping his pace just slightly slower than hers. His eyes darted around, looking at the many doors that seemed to litter its walls. All of them, if not most, were closed. And within the halls were a few visitors, most of them being led by someone of professional status.

He remembered the first time he had walked through the halls before.

They had painted the walls a new white. It looked nice. Nicer than before.

What room was Xigbar in?

"And what happened after you found him," the doctor asked.

Luxord stared worriedly at the man dressed completely in white. He wasn't sure about this, wasn't sure whether he should be completely honest. He honestly didn't think Xigbar was this bad…never figured he would have to talk to a psychologist.

"Luxord…is it," he heard the man say.

"Yes," he asked, looking up slowly.

"I know you're not comfortable with this," he said, "but mind you, in case we have a…"

"He isn't sick," Luxord said defensively. "Whatever they told you at the hospital…that isn't true. They were being too precautious…they overreacted."

The older blonde nodded his head and wrote a few words in the clipboard he had on his hand.

"I'm serious," Luxord said.

"I know you are, Luxord," he replied. "And if you're willing to tell me, ill be able to conclude on your friend's mental status."

The words stung a lot.

What happened in the shower was a strange thing. Xigbar was there alright, only he wasn't really all there. Of course, Luxord was too relieved to have noticed a t first, he was still in such a state of fright where he could only think about his lovers health. To see him hunched over, it made him worried. To see him in one piece; it made him think nothing more.

Until Xigbar spoke.

"Xigbar," Luxord yelled. "Jesus Christ, man, what were you doing?" He grabbed hold of his lover and realized that Xigbar was still wearing clothes fro earlier in the morning. "What…Xigbar?"

Xigbar looked up and stared right into Luxord's eyes. He shook his head and frantically grabbed on to Luxord, pulling him closer in a tight embrace. Luxord could hear his frantic breathing and began to worry.

"Xigbar, it's ok," Luxord said, "what's wrong? Tell me…"

"Can't you hear it," he heard Xigbar reply.

"What," Luxord asked.

Xigbar looked up to the blonde.

"It's so loud…even with the water on," he said.

"Xigbar, what on earth-"

"Listen," Xigbar said, his hands grabbing on to Luxord's shoulder. "Can you hear them? They're so loud-nothing's drowning them out!"

Luxord frowned. He blinked a few times, the water running down his face making it harder for him to see Xigbar's all too serious expression. But it was there. Xigbar really mean what he said. Luxord felt his heart speed up once more, not out of fear, but out of confusion. He hadn't a clue what Xigbar was saying right now. And even at that moment Xigbar kept going on and on about sounds.

"They're so loud," Xigbar had said. "Draining my energy, trying to distract Me." he looked up and frowned at Luxord. "Don't you hear them Luxord?"


"Don't you?"

It was so strange. Xigbar was the one who seemed to be scared.

But at the time Luxord could only think of one possible solution; that Xigbar had fallen and had hit his head. He didn't bother to think of the words spoken to him as he dragged Xigbar out of the shower and called the emergency hotline. The only worry at the time was whether or not Xigbar had suffered a concussion. He never expected to be approached by the doctors and asked several questions. So many questions. Questions about the day, about what he was doing, about Xigbar. It confused him, worried him, and it made him, for the first tie, worried for Xigbar.

Eventually another doctor approached him. One different from the rest.


He asked about what Xigbar had said, his reaction, the looks on his face. He asked about the week before, if there were any differences. And then he asked about the week before that. Eventually he asked Luxord to come to his office, and then asked if, perhaps, he should take Xigbar to be "fixed".

Such and ugly word.

But the more Vexen insisted, the more Luxord questioned it.

"You want him to get better," Vexen said. "Don't you?"


"Sometimes we need to do things that we don't want to do, Luxord," Vexen said.

Luxord sank into his seat.

"How much do you care about Xigbar," Vexen asked, writing more notes on his clipboard. "Surely you can live without him-"

Luxord jumped from his seat and gave Vexen a nervous but threatening glare.

"-just till we can fix things," Vexen said.

Luxord looked away.

"Fix things," he asked.

"Trust me," Vexen said. "It'll be better. Everyone will be so much happier."

Luxord thought about the memories he had shared with Xigbar. He knew Xigbar wouldn't be able to have these same memories if he was sick, too busy hearing voices and whatnot.

He shook his head.

"Xigbar's not sick," he said weakly. He felt his heart sink at the very thought that could come up to such a conclusion. How he could ever accuse the man he loved as being mentally ill…

Vexen leaned over and placed a hand on Luxord's shoulder.

"Of course he's not," Vexen said.

When he looked back, Luxord really couldn't remember what happened during those weeks. It seemed like a fog covered his memories of him being alone, without Xigbar being there. He was alone. His mind rid of the memories, leaving only a bright white light where it once stood.

There were dreams though. He walked around, looking around and asking where he was, where everyone was, and where Xigbar was. But he was never given the answer he wanted to hear. He was left alone. It frightened him. Then he would wake up and the white memories would return.

Even without the memories, there was proof of its existence. He still remembered the loneliness. He remembered a dry taste in his mouth, a sensation that he was trapped. And it lasted forever.

It was only supposed to be two weeks, but it felt longer. He knew Xigbar was only gone for two weeks, but it seemed like it might have actually been longer. He remembered the white, lonely feeling, the blank empty memories. Maybe it affected him so greatly that it caused him to be depressed, or maybe it was something more.

But Xigbar came back. He came back and acted as if what had happened were nothing more than a simple misunderstanding. Xigbar didn't blame him, and though Luxord was relived, he still felt an unbearable amount of guilt. In some way he felt that he had betrayed the man, had lied and tricked him. Although Xigbar was happy to see him, so be back with Luxord, the blonde cold only worry how it would affect their relationship. He was sure that Xigbar would remain, and that things would be better, but he doubted they would be the same.

All he could hope for was no relapse, and no fights.

What about now?

Luxord stared at a long list of names. He stared at the doctors and the nurses and the trays of medicine being prepared for the inmates of this strange white prison.

What could he honestly say now?

"It's messy," Xigbar said.

Luxord turned and looked to the older man in confusion.

Xigbar was standing in the middle of the room, having just walked in from the bedroom. Xigbar lacked any clothing whatsoever, and at first Luxord was about to say something, but as Xigbar lifted his two hands up to his face, he went from one feeling to the next. Xigbar stared disdainfully at his fingers and lifted his hand up a bit and showed them to Luxord. He frowned.

"Dirty," he said.

A frightening feeling arose.

They said he could relapse. Luxord didn't think it was possible. But it could happen. Was it happening? No…it couldn't be.

"It's not dirty," Luxord said. "They're just your hands…"

Xigbar didn't react to Luxord's comment, only keeping his eye locked on to his appendages. He leered angrily at them before stomping off, not saying a word as he did.

Luxord gave a quick sigh of relief before getting up from his seat,

"Xigbar," he called. He wasn't sure if it was the medicine that was doing this, or perhaps something else. In the end, Xigbar was saying things. He was standing in the nude and saying frightening things. What was he supposed to do when that happens?

There was no reply.

"Xigbar," Luxord called again. He walked over and looked to the long hallway, expecting to see the room to his door open and Xigbar inside of it. But his door was closed, and Luxord found himself running over to the door.

Thank god it was unlocked. Thank god Xigbar never locked doors.

Luxord burst through the door, his eyes widening in horror as he viewed Xigbar in the room, the sharp object in one of Xigbar's hands. Xigbar didn't seem to notice that Luxord had entered, nor did he seem to care. He just stared at his free hand, the scissors moving ever so close to his pinky finger.

"Xigbar," Luxord said in a warning tone. "Don't…"

Xigbar looked over, staring at Luxord in moderate surprise.

"When did you get here," he asked. "I thought you were at work."

Luxord remained calm and attempted to move in on Xigbar, making sure to walk slowly and not make any sudden movements. When did Xigbar fall right back into this strange behavior he hadn't a clue. Just yesterday he was sure the man was acting the way he usually did. When did this happen.

"No, Xigbar," Luxord said, forcing a smile on his face. "I was here all day. Don't you remember?"

Xigbar shook his head.

"You just spoke to me a minute ago," Luxord said. He gave a weak laugh and took another step toward Xigbar. "I can't believe you just forgot…"

"You should get some rest," Xigbar said suddenly, letting his hands drop. "You don't look so good, man…"

Luxord kept his eye on the scissors. He didn't care that they were now lowered. The things Xigbar was still saying frightened him. He wasn't alright. What should he do now?

"I should, shouldn't I," Luxord said. "You know…maybe you should join me…you could use the rest too…" Luxord got close enough to place a hand gently on Xigbar's shoulder. "So…just put those scissors down-"

But before Luxord finished his sentence, he felt a sharp pain stab throughout his body. And intense heat, followed by an indescribable freezing sensation. He dropped to the floor, hearing the sound of metal leave his chest and meat being torn from it. He grabbed on to himself, not able to say a thing as he immediately went into shock.

He looked up.

He looked down. Blood making its way out of him, red soaking his shirt and skin. He felt warm and sticky, and for reason the pain seemed to cease as the realization hit him. He let his fingers trail about, grazing his shirt till they stopped at the small hole Xigbar had made.

It didn't hurt at all.

Luxord looked up and stared into frightened eyes.

Xigbar seemed to be more afraid then he was.

"Look what you did," Xigbar said. He shook his head frantically and let his non bloodied hand convert his face. Luxord heard a sob and looked back down. He heard weak cries emit from the man.


"It's so fucking dirty," Xigbar said. "And there getting louder too."

Luxord heard Xigbar take a few steps away from him. He listened as he heard Xigbar break into heavier sobs. He heard the scissor open wide.

"I got to fix them up…"

Luxord closed his eyes and let the white in once more.

He stared at the white door.

Luxord knew Xigbar was waiting to see him. He knew they told him that he was here, and that he was here to see him. He was here, here after so long. Such a long wait.

He let his fingers touch the doorknob.

What was he supposed to say?

It had been so long.

The first time was one thing, the second was too. But then came the third and the fourth…and Luxord began to have doubts. After the fifth…he was sure there was no hope. If you can't fix yourself up after our times, then why try to fix them at all?

Xigbar wasn't there anymore.

It only got worse. What made him think a visit would make anything better? Even if he got better, he would only relapse, and then he be back doing all those strange twisted things.

More violent, more detached. Is that what you want?

Why did he come here again?

Luxord sighed and opened the door.

He hoped this wouldn't be his last visit.

"Luxord," a voice muttered.

Luxord opened his eyes. He moved about in the sheets and looked over to the source of the worried voice. His eyes met with another, and he stared quietly for a few moments before finally speaking.

"Yes," he asked.

Xigbar frowned.

"I'm sorry," he said. He took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm really sorry about what happened."

Luxord nodded his head.

"I didn't want to have to do what I did," Xigbar said.

Luxord didn't say a thing, only letting the words sink into him as he tried to recall whatever Xigbar was talking about. He felt the soft sheets and couldn't think much past that. It had been so long since he had felt that sensation-this sensation. The words Xigbar said didn't seem to make much sensee to him. All he could think about was the bed. He missed the bed.

"You know I love you, right," Xigbar said.

A pause.

"Luxord," Xigbar said.

Luxord felt arms wrap around him tightly, embracing him. He blinked a few times and tried to link the parts together, but it seemed unreal. This was a dream, it had to be a dream.

Nothing made sense anymore.

"Please don't go away," a voice asked.

Luxord felt tears run down his eyes.

Who was he again?

"I don't want to have to make them take you away," the voice said again, sad and weak.

Who was talking?

"Please, -----"

Luxord closed his eyes and tried to go back.

"Don't let them take me away," he whispered. "No more white…Xigbar."

"How's he doing, doc," Xigbar asked carefully, his eyes looking over to the small waiting room. His pace was quick, the doctor falling behind him.

"Progress is…slow," Zexion answered, staring carefully at the charts.

Xigbar halted and turned to Zexion. He glared angrily at the young man.

"We're trying our best," Zexion said. "We don't want him to fall right back into remission…so we're trying a slightly different approach." he stared up at the older man. "Success is about thirty percent higher…."

Xigbar nodded his head. He looked over to the room ahead and then back to Zexion.

"He still think-"

"He believes he's visiting you," Zexion said. He gave a small frowned. "His memories are quite contaminated, to say the least." He paused for a few second and then added; "it's best that you go along with it."

"You sure about that," Xigbar asked. "Wont that make things worse?"

"Not anymore than what they already are," Zexion said.

Xigbar nodded his head and then hurried over to the door.

He didn't bother having to be searched as he approached the two at the door. Security. They knew him well enough to know, after many visits, that he didn't bring anything that could cause him or Luxord harm.

He hurried and took off his jacket, handing it to the nurse who waited at the entrance and waited for the door to be unlocked.

There was that awaited click, and then the door slowly began to open. Xigbar felt his heart rush with excitement as he caught first glimpse of the man.

He smiled and walked into the room, the door closing right behind him.

"I missed you…"

Who was talking?

Neither of them knew.