Disclaimer: not mine. If it was mine, it'd still be on the air, and Wash wouldn't have died. WASH! –Bawls–
A/N: Here's LUST, the last. Hope you had fun! I did! Also, many MANY thanks to RionaEire, who inspired Book's section here, and others throughout this fic. You're awesome. And everybody who ever reviewed, favorite-d, alerted, suggested, read, or any combination thereof, you are also awesome. You guys seriously made my life. I will probably be writing another Firefly-fic soon, because you are all so awesome and made me feel like I can write Firefly-speak. Thank you everybody!
Chapter 7: Everything I Want (Lust)
Jayne, Heart of Gold
Now, I know gorram well what the others think about me. They think I'm stupid, and that I think with my man-parts.
Well, that ain't so.
I mean, I do, sometimes. A lot. Most of the time. But not always.
I guess I did today, really. Although, speakin' honest-like, it wasn't just about the 'lust' part of it (I was listenin' to Shepherd Book talk about sin recently; there wasn't much else to do. I guess some of it stuck or somethin'). I mean, part of it was, sure as hell. But most of what I was doin', was….
Look, there ain't nothin' out in the Black. And there ain't nobody. Well, I mean, there's people, but there ain't people for people like me. The only damn women I ever see are either likely to snap my neck off, moonin' after somebody else, or both. So you'll excuse the hell outta me if I… indulge in what I can't get most days.
It's everything I want, so bite me.
We're gonna die. We are all going to die, and it will be awful and painful and just about the worst possible way to go.
And I honestly don't give a shit.
I finally did it! I finally told Kaylee, to her face, in completely plain and understandable terms, how I felt about her. And she… she feels the same way that I do.
I don't care that we're going to die. That we're going to be raped to death, that we're going to be eaten, and that we're going to have our skins sewn into clothing.
Because Kaylee loves me back.
Screw death, dismemberment and other associated unpleasantness.
This is everything I want.
Zoë, Serenity/Out of Gas (flashback sequence)
Oh, dear sweet Buddha.
We might've died. Reavers and Feds and Prudence and… well, there's really just one thing left to do now.
And that is Wash.
Maybe it's just adrenaline, or reaction, or whatever, but not only do I love him (as much as ever), I want him. Right now.
But hot damn, the man can fly like nobody I've ever seen before in my life. Saved our asses. Honestly, I can't really believe I disliked him so much at first.
Well, yes I can, I guess. That ridiculous mustache, and the don't-give-a-damn attitude… everything I was not looking for.
He is everything I want.
Wash, Our Mrs. Reynolds
Oh no. Oh, bad bad bad. This is not good. This is really really not good.
Mal's wife, however weird that sounds, is hitting on me with mythology. Really… really cool mythology.
But she's Mal's wife, and I'm married too.
And I love my wife. I really really do. Zoë is strong and smart and beautiful….
And this woman may be… very eloquent, especially when it comes to Earth-That-Was mythology, and she may be really pretty, but she's not my Zoë.
There's nobody like Zoë. Nobody's as tough and brilliant and beautiful and amazing and… well, there's just nobody like her in the 'verse.
She is everything I want.
Book, The Message/Objects in Space/Movie
'Some shepherds marry, but I follow a narrower path.' 'Wasn't always a shepherd, Mal.'
I don't think about my past that often. I try not to, at least. There are things that I don't want to remember. Bad things, mostly, but a few good things. Good people.
But the memories of those good people are all… tainted by their endings. The endings of both the memories, and the people.
If I let myself think back, remember them, remember her, it hurts more than I can stand. So I don't remember. Not really.
Sometimes I do remember, though. And the oddest times; usually when I'm alone, but occasionally when I'm with Jayne or River.
He reminds me so much of myself, really. Even more than the Captain. Tough idiot who just follows orders, except when opportunity knocks. Then it's every man for himself.
And she reminds me of… someone I lost, long ago. Someone who's death was my fault. Literally.
'I don't give half a hump whether you're innocent or not, so where does that put you?'
She was innocent, like River. But I, like the Hands-of-Blue that River is always speaking of, did not care.
I wish, with all my heart, that I could change things, bring her back.
That is everything I want.
Kaylee, Out of Gas (flashback segment)
This has got to be one of the best days of my life!
First, I meet this guy, who seems real smart 'nd is damn cute, maybe even more than cute. And, he knows about engines! Machines! He's a mechanic on a ship.
So yeah, I may have flirted with him mostly to see the ship. I've never seen the insides of a Firefly, after all, and it's not like I'm gonna get another shot at it. So yes, I kinda used him.
But it just gets better 'n better!
Not only was he just as great as I thought he'd be, he was incompetent at fixin' the engine.
I could do it. An' the Cap'n said that I could have the job as ship's mechanic.
So not only do I have a shiny new job on a beautiful ship with some of the nicest people ever, I got the chance to fly all over the 'verse, meet new people, go new places….
This is everything I want.
Inara, War Stories
I liked the ambassador. I really did.
I like most of my clients (with the notable exception of Atherton Wing), but she was special. Partly because she was female, but there were other reasons.
When I'm… with men, it's difficult not to think of one man in particular. In spite of all my compartmentalizing-training, I can't help thinking of him.
Luckily, I can hide it, so my clients don't sense it, but… it's tiring.
With the ambassador, I don't have to hide anything, because she doesn't remind me of him.
I can… indulge myself, in physical sensations and feelings that I don't usually get to experience fully. With men, I have to keep part of my mind focused on not accidentally saying something…
Anyway, I only allow myself this kind of… release once in a while. Too often, and my reputation might be damaged.
Although, honestly, I don't care that much about my reputation anymore. I'm vaguely considering giving up being a Companion.
I won't, ever, but it's a thought.
If I… if I did give it up, I think I know who I would choose as my… life partner, I suppose.
He's everything I want, after all.
Mal, Heart of Gold
Now, don't get me wrong. I genuinely liked Nandi. Thought she was one of the best gals this side of the 'verse. But I didn't… I didn't love her.
Not like I love…someone else.
Nah, with Nandi it was mostly… the moment, I suppose. Lust? Is that it? I guess. It wasn't love.
Love is… love is different. Love ain't just physical attraction, like lust. Love, if I can wax poetical, makes us do some dumbass things, and it gets under your skin until you can't think about anything else.
So, ok, that wasn't really poetical so much as… I don't know, horrific? Maybe I'm channeling my inner Jayne. Sweet Buddha, that is one of the most nauseatin' thoughts I've ever had in my damn-long life.
Look, my point is, love ain't lust. Lust ain't love. What I felt for Nandi was a mix of friendship, lust, and loneliness.
Lust, you c'n come by any damn day. Love is once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
Love is everything I want.
She can hear their whispers of thought rippling through the ship. Whispers and threads and scraps of thoughts and feelings and wants and longings and fears. They wriggle their way into her mind, murmuring to her the secrets of everyone on the ship.
Two of the streams of quiet singing are merely echoes, bouncing through the ship, repeating the thoughts and wants of two now-dead members of the crew.
'…if he's got enough rosemary….'
'…think we should call it your grave! Now die!...'
'…or not, so where does that put you?'
Another of the whispers used to twine with one of the echoes, but now just murmurs on alone, constantly calling for the lost one. Longing twists through her soft, broken thoughts, always always always focused on her dead husband. The girl shies away from those thoughts. They sting and burn and make her want to weep.
Other thoughts, brighter, shinier, warmer, beckon her wandering mind.
She avoids one pair, because one of the pair is her brother, and the way his thinking curls around another's is distinctly not brotherly, and the girl doesn't want to hear her brother's….
And another set isn't quite… a set, yet. They will be, and soon, but they have not completely acknowledged the full spectrum of feelings and colors and sparks between them.
The last string of thoughts is comforting, oddly enough. It is the same now as it was the first day she heard them. Except, maybe, a bit warmer and smoother. Less harsh and hate-filled. The man-ape-gone-wrong-thing is still a man-ape-gone-wrong, but she doesn't believe he would call the Hands of Blue now. She believes that, if he was put back on Ariel, things would play out differently. But he is still mostly the same, and is content with his life.
The girl wishes with all her heart that the others were as content as the man-ape-gone-wrong. She wishes that some of them hadn't changed, that others hadn't vanished.
That is everything she wants.
A/N: TA-DAA! It's LUST! And it's not just sex-lust, although most of them at least touch on sex. And yes, the bit with Book was… well, it was basically a lie, I guess, but I had to kind of fudge what little reality we're given for Book's past. I figure that there's probably something along those lines that happened, maybe something to push him over the edge and make him become a Shepherd, so I made somethin' up. Anyways, please review, and thanks again for reading Seven Deadlies!