Disclaimer: I do not own the book Artemis Fowl and make no money out of the writing of this fic.
Summary: "Artemis Fowl had retired half a dozen counselors from St. Barleby's already this year." Here's how. Six chapters, one for each psychologist losin' it.'
Chapter 1: Dr. Rupert
"Angeline, distraught by her son's obsession and afraid of the effects of the past two years on his mind, signed her thirteen-year-old for treatment with the school counselor. You have to feel sorry for him. The counselor, that is…"
-Artemis Fowl, The Arctic Incident, chapter 1 "Family Ties."
Dr. Rupert was realizing belatedly that getting into an argument with Artemis Fowl as to the importance of a psychologist's intervention in case of problems was not the smartest idea he had ever had. For one, all his arguments –well arguments that had been hammered into him by his professors and seniors – tended to sound surprisingly stupid in front of young Master Fowl. Dr. Rupert was on the verge of losing his legendary cool.
Artemis looked amused.
"To say that a smart person knows himself thoroughly is a contradiction in terms, doctor. There is no human being who knows himself so well as to have nothing concealed from himself. For the sake of a healthy psyche, it is important for human beings to maintain certain illusions about themselves and their capabilities."
Dr. Rupert crowed triumphantly. "Ahah! So you admit that you are not smart enough to know yourself completely and that just proves that a different perspective is sometimes essential to correct the inevitable flaws in you personality that-"
"You misunderstand me, doctor," Artemis explained patiently, the way one explains to a 3 year old why 2 + 2 is 4.
"I am pointing out to you that I am intelligent enough to realize that I don't and I should not know myself completely."
The doctor, who had opened his mouth to override his objections, closed it angrily. "What?" he demanded. "You expect me to acknowledge that you are smart because you don't know something?"
Artemis sighed. Why? "I am merely attempting to explain to you, the fact that knowing oneself completely is a state of being entirely unhealthy but the process of attempting it, or as Mr. Masclow would say, self actualization, is a mark of healthy adjustment."
Dr. Rupert didn't appear convinced. "Whatever, boy. The fact remains that when it comes to psychology, I know more than you do and you're simply going to accept that fact. Egoism to a high extent is a sign of a maladjusted personality, you know."
Artemis was swiftly losing his patience. "I was attempting to be civil here, but I do not know why I bother. The point, good doctor, is that although I do not claim to 'know myself' completely, I know myself far better than you or any others of you so called psychologists ever could. You may psychoanalyze any and all of your other patients but do not try that with me."
Dr. Rupert squinted. "Why not?"
Artemis smiled charmingly. "Because I am a genius and you are not."
Dr. Rupert drew back at that. He was quite sure that was meant to be an insult but he didn't know how to respond because obviously, it was true. Any contradiction to that that he might attempt would be met with swift and brutal rebuttal. So…an insult that was actually a fact. How insulting.
"Your arrogance is unbecoming, young man," he snapped. "Don't think too much of yourself just because you happen to have a high IQ. It just means you may be lower than average in other areas of life."
Artemis smirked. "Name one."
Dr. Rupert frowned. "Hand eye co-ordination."
Artemis smiled. "I assure you need not be worried on that score. My hand eye co-ordination is fine. If you doubt me, hand me the .22 Smith and Wesson's in your lower left hand drawer and I'll prove it."
Dr. Rupert did not want to know how Artemis knew he had a gun there and he definitely want to hand a weapon to this arrogant youth who was appearing more unbalanced by the minute. He hastily abandoned that line of argument.
Dr. Rupert smirked. "Physical prowess."
Again, Artemis was smiling infuriatingly. "I wonder, doctor, if you have ever bother to look up the difference between can't and won't."
Dr Rupert stared.
"There is quite a bit of difference. For example, 'I won't be bothered to build ridiculous and entirely unnecessary ape muscles in a misguided bid to compensate for other – short comings.' And 'You can't beat me in an intellectual contest."
Dr. Rupert blinked and in attempting to work out the newest insult, forgot what he had said to start this in the first place. He shook his head to clear his thoughts quickly.
"The point, Artemis, is that there are some things in which other people are more well-versed than you and you will just have to accept that fact. For everyone, there is someone from whom they can learn."
Artemis did not bother to point out the obvious hole in the argument. There was a dangerous glint in his eyes, one that anyone close to him would have recognized immediately and run for cover. However, Dr. Rupert was ignorant of this and was thus doing a small victory dance in his head as he seemed to have finally silenced his opponent- ahem patient- his patient.
"Is that so?" Artemis said quietly. Then he smiled innocently. "Then tell me, doctor, who do you consider you superior in matters of psychology?"
Dr. Rupert smiled complacently. Hah! The boy thought he would let his ego get in the way of his practice? He was a trained psychologist and as such could think objectively about any situation. Artemis was smart, granted, but he was still too young and inexperienced if he thought he could mess with him!
"I will readily acknowledge that there are several distinguished mind in the field from whom I have and still learn a lot."
Artemis smiled but it seemed a bit forced to the doctor. He mentally smirked.
"Really? For example, say in the field of the psyche of the genius and child prodigy, who would you say is more knowledgeable than you?"
"Do you want examples?" asked Dr. Rupert smiling encouragingly. "I could give you names but you will probably not have heard of them, boy. You see, they are mostly authors of psychology textbooks, textbooks that are quite advanced."
Artemis smiled. "Humor me, doctor."
"Hmmm…well the first name that comes to mind is the honorable Dr. F. Roy Dean Schlippe." Artemis's smile widened. "He is by far the most erudite scholar on the subject." He shook his head reverently. "I mean his text book is just…it's almost as if he has been inside the mind of a genius."
I'll bet he has, thought Artemis amused.
But Dr. Rupert was looking at him seriously over his glasses and Artemis quickly forced the smirk from his face. "It is no laughing matter, young man. In fact, I would ask you to read him up, except you're still too young. You wouldn't understand a thing." He smiled condescendingly.
"Really, doctor?" Artemis asked, feigning surprise. "Just who is this Dr. Schllipe?"
"He is an elderly gentleman who lives in retirement in Malibou," lied Dr. Rupert. The fact was that no one knew who this doctor was, but this was the most widely accepted rumor. "In fact, I received a reply to an email I sent him just yesterday," he revealed faux-casually, proud to be in communication with such a great personality.
"Oh?" Artemis sounded impressed. "You couldn't perhaps show me that mail…?"
Dr. Rupert hesitated. It was against protocol but…hell, Artemis Fowl was against protocol! One can make exceptions, right? Teach the conceited youth some respect?
"Why yes, here it is," he told him, attempting to quickly access the email on his laptop. He really wasn't a technology man. He panicked slightly when he couldn't open the file but Artemis was waiting patiently. He seemed to be in no hurry at all. He let out the breath he had been holding when the file finally opened. He turned the laptop around to face his client.
"There!" he said triumphantly.
Artemis seemed to read it intently for a minute. Then he looked up to stare intently at the psychologist.
"Doctor, what would you say, if I told you that I am Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllipe?"
Dr. Rupert looked at him blankly for a moment. Then he blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he stared. Then he burst out laughing.
"Come on, Artemis, my boy," he laughed. "You don't have to resort to absurd lies. You can admit you were wrong."
Artemis was smiling serenely. "In the most recent edition of his textbook on the genius's psyche, he says-"
And he proceeded to quote an entire paragraph.
Dr. Rupert stared at him before hurrying to the bookself and grabbing the book, flipping through it wildly.
"It is on page 376, doctor," Artemis called obligingly.
Dr. Rupert threw him a dirty look then opened the said page. Then he stared at Artemis.
"Could you repeat that?" he bit out, irritably.
"Gladly," Artemis inclined his head graciously smiling and giving the doctor a look that was saying something very derogatory about his mental capabilities. Then he did. Dr. Rupert snapped the book shut and pointed an accusing finger at him.
"That's nothing! You could have rote learned that before you came in."
"I'll quote any part of the book you choose," Artemis offered. Dr. Rupert did not think his ego could stand it.
"No need! You can have the whole damn book off by heart for all I care! You're not Dr. Schllipe!"
Artemis noted with relish that the good doctor was about to lose it.
"Alright, why don't you email him something and you'll get a reply," he showed him his cell phone.
Dr. Rupert glared at him angrily. "Fine!"
He turned quickly to his laptop.
"Respected Dr. Shllipe,
This may seem strange but there is a boy here who claims to be you."
Then he sent it off, crossed his arms and glared. Artemis smirked as he received the email almost instantly.
"Listen to the boy, doctor. He's telling the truth.
Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllipe.
P.S. You are an imbecile."
He sent it.
Dr. Rupert's eyes widened as his computer pinged, signaling that he had received a mail…from Dr. Schllipe. With shaking hands, he opened the mail. His face turned red at the post script.
Artemis was smirking insufferably. "Satisfied, doctor?"
"I- no it's a trick!" Dr. Rupert announced.
Artemis sighed. "I know it can be difficult to accept the truth sometimes, doctor, but please try not to go into denial. It is not healthy."
Dr. Rupert's face looked like it was about to explode. It had surpassed red and turned maroon. There was something particularly stinging about receiving psychological advice from a thirteen year old, particularly when there was a chance he might be a world renowned author and one of Dr. Rupert's idols. No, dammit! There was no chance of that. There just wasn't. And he wasn't in denial.
He remained silent sullenly. Then suddenly something occurred to him.
"You have planted a camera in this room! That's how you know what I typed."
Artemis smiled tolerantly. "And just how would I plant a camera here, doctor? And how is that you receive a reply from Dr. Schllipe's email address?"
Dr. Rupert scowled at him. "Alright then. Send me a mail right now!"
Artemis shrugged and turned back to his phone. A few seconds later, Dr. Rupert's computer pinged. He glared at Artemis suspiciously then opened the mail.
"You, Dr. Rupert, need to accept the fact there is a thirteen year old in front of you who is far smarter than you. In fact, there may be several thirteen year olds who are smarter than you, and I'm not talking about child genii either."
Dr. Rupert now looked on the verge of tears.
Artemis smirked, then got up and walked out, closing the door lightly behind him. The last image he saw was Dr. Rupert, Ph.D, burying his face in his arms and sobbing. He grinned and pulled the door shut.
His principal was waiting outside. He raised an enquiring eyebrow at the boy.
"Give him a minute," Artemis whispered. "Poor man seems to be having a breakdown." Principal Guinea's eyebrows shot up. Then he frowned thunderously at Artemis. He opened the door, took one look at the sobbing man and pulled the door shut hastily.
"You may go," he told the boy.
Artemis smiled. "If you ask me, the man seems a little over wrought, even delusional. Perhaps he needs some time off?" he suggested politely.
"Delusional?" the Principal squinted suspiciously. Dr. Rupert was a renowned psychologist. One of the best. And he had seemed fine just a couple of hours ago.
Artemis nodded seriously. "He seemed to think I was a 70 year old author of a psychology textbook." The Principal looked at him blankly, then went in to assess the situation.
In his limo, Artemis opened his PowerBook and hacked into Dr. Rupert's email ID-
A few days later, news reached the students of St. Bartleby's that Dr. Rupert had retired.
"I had to let him go," Principle guinea confided in one of his colleagues, "The poor chap was clearly off his rocker. He went into hysterics of how Artemis Fowl was the author of some book. Then when I was skeptical, he told me that the author had sent him a mail saying he was an imbecile. I checked his inbox of course. There was no such email, only a few replies to some questions Dr. Rupert must have asked him. Purely academic."
He shook his head sadly. "I spoke to another psychologist about this. He suggested that the man was having hallucinations and the 'hypothetical email was the feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness in his unconscious taking the form of someone he obviously held in high esteem.' Poor chap, he clearly needed a vacation."
A/N: Big thanks to ItIsAllAPuzzle for pointing out the age error.
Thank you for pointing that out! Actually, I had the first book in mind when he started and that was age 11 and Dr. Po remembers that Artemis has "already caused half a dozen counsellors to retire this year." I checked it our since you recommended and Artemis was actually thirteen. If anyone finds any errors, please tell me. Feedback always appreciated.