"So where are we going?" Xander asked.
"To meet Ma and Pa," Supergirl replied. She had to tighten her grip on his shoulder to keep him from letting go and falling.
"Um… rain check?" he asked nervously.
"Nope, you agreed already," she said with a cheerful grin.
Xander kissed her. "You are so cute when you're being devious."
"Yes, I am," she said smugly.
"So, where we heading?" he asked as she slid out of his arms and wrapped herself under him so she was lying on her back as they flew.
"The Fortress of Solitude," she replied and began to pour on the speed.
"Kryptonian family or human family?" he asked lying on top of her.
"I haven't gotten permission from Kal to share any details of our secret IDs so I can't say," she replied.
"Good, that mean human and unlikely to melt my face with laser vision," Xander said, lacing his fingers through her's and kissing the side of her neck, making her giggle.
"Why would they melt your face?" she asked, before capturing his lips.
When she finally pulled back, he blinked and asked, "What was the question again? Oh yeah. Parents generally don't like when their innocent little angels are corrupted by us ultra-charismatic Casanova types."
Supergirl burst out laughing causing her to wiggle under him in ways he quite enjoyed.
"Is that a challenge?" he asked hopefully. "I'm pretty sure we can join the mile-high club with some careful positioning."
"Even if I wasn't worried about us getting caught by a spy satellite or the fortresses' sensors, I'd have to turn you down, because we are here," she said with a grin as she shifted Xander into her arms and descended into what looked like a valley between two icebergs.
A ceiling of opaque crystal appeared above them as she landed and set him down.
"Did we fly through that or is it a hologram?" Xander asked curiously as she lead him into a hallway made of smooth gray material with white crystal panels providing the light for the ceiling. "Cement and fluorescent lights would look about the same," he decided aloud.
"Six of one, half a dozen of another," she replied, taking his hand.
"Fancy kryptonian tech thingies, got it," Xander said.
The hallway lead to a pair of opaque crystalline doors that slide apart at their approach into a room that looked like the dining room of a certain Kansas farmhouse.
Ma and Pa Kent smiled as they entered, both dressed in duplicate Superman costumes.
"Ma, Pa this is Xander," Kara said as the door slid closed behind them.
"Hi," Xander said awkwardly, before removing the mask covering the top half of his face and head. "Alexander Harris, my friends call me Xander."
"It's nice to meet you Xander," Ma said with a smile.
"I've seen you on the news," Pa offered. "Why is it Grundy runs from you?"
Ma hustled everyone to the table and started setting out platters of food before sitting down herself. Xander and Kara took seats across from the pair.
"I know the traditional methods used to return a zombie to its grave," Xander replied while they filled their plates with steak, potatoes, and vegetables.
"So, you're trying to kill him?" Pa asked, with a raised eyebrow.
"Cyrus has been dead for around a century," Xander said firmly.
"Who?" Kara asked curiously.
"Cyrus Gold was murdered and dumped in Slaughter swamp somewhere in the 1890's maybe early 1900's. After a handful of decades a couple of escaped criminals disturbed his rest, so he got up, killed them for their clothes and wandered into a hobo camp. One of them asked his name, but all he could remember was that he was born on a Monday."
"And that reminded them of the old nursery rhyme," Kara said with a nod.
"He's not alive so I can't kill him," Xander explained, "he's done a runner from his just reward and none of his actions are helping the disposition of his soul any."
"I always thought he was a mutant like that Croc fella," Pa offered. "Still, he's strong enough to go toe to toe with our son so you'd think he'd at least try to fight you."
"He's scared of me because I've actually hurt him, not just bounced him around. Dead flesh doesn't feel pain all that well, but holy water burns it like acid." Xander tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I probably still carry the stench of Hell, which would also scare him."
"Your cologne isn't that bad," Supergirl waved it off.
"You don't like my cologne?" Xander asked, hurt in his tone.
"No! I mean it's fine!" Kara started sputtering denials until Xander couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing.
"I'm not particularly attached to it," Xander assured her, "find one you like and I'll change it."
"Stench of Hell?" Ma asked.
"I'm from another Earth," Xander replied. "I grew up on the Mouth of Hell and the scent kinda lingers to supernatural creatures, at least that's my guess."
"What do you do?" Ma asked. "When not in costume I mean."
"I'm a bartender," Xander replied.
"Are you going to school?" Pa asked.
"No," Xander said, "they don't really teach classes in what I need to know. Actually I think the Watcher's council might have, but that's worlds away now."
Kara frowned, as she listened to something beyond human hearing. "I'll be right back, they need my help in the Gulf of Mexico."
"See you when you get back," Xander said giving her a peck on the cheek.
She vanished without the flash of light the Justice League's teleporters caused.
"So… how many girls are you seeing?" Ma asked.
Xander froze for a moment, before coming up with a quick plan. "Fortress, we have a medical emergency."
A ball of white light appeared floating above the table. "What is the nature of the problem?" it asked in a warm male baritone.
"Environmental poisoning and long-term damage caused by poor medical care," Xander replied as Ma and Pa looked at him with concern.
"Healing pods are available," the orb announced.
"Great," Xander said cheerfully. "Three pods, full scans please."
"What?" Pa asked, right before the scene around them rippled and all three were suddenly looking at a kryptonian medical bay from inside individual crystalline tubes.
"Safe," Xander said relieved as his view was obscured by various devices as they circled each pod and got to work.
"I know why you called for medical care," the voice said, sounding faintly amused.
"Fastest means of escape," Xander agreed not arguing, "besides I'm sure you've been looking for an excuse to take care of some of their medical problems so you could extend their life spans as they provide stability for Kal-El."
"They have been reluctant to allow Kal-El to uses his technology to care for them," the voice of the fortress allowed.
"Well, humans are filled with dangerous microbes so a deep scan finding some is more than enough reason to do a little repair work and some tinkering," Xander suggested.
"There are limits to the care I am authorized to provide," the Fortress noted with a hint of frustration.
"How about treating them like an expedition team and giving them some medical nanites?" Xander asked.
"I…" the voice trailed off. "That is a viable alternative. I can not provide them to you however, as your relationship with Kal-El is not familial."
"As long as it distracts them for a couple of hours, I'll be fine," Xander said.
"Your DNA has gone through a crude form of manipulation, and your body has been enhanced by some very interesting chemical reactions," the Fortress noted. "May I have your permission to ameliorate any negative effects?"
"Sure," Xander replied, his clothes vanishing and a blue mist rising around him an instant later. It left a slight aftertaste of burnt metal on his tongue as he breathed it in. "How long is this going to take?"
"Approximately ten minutes," the Fortress replied.
"Cool," Xander said. "Well, while we've got time can you test something for me?"
"It depends on the nature of the test."
"It's a safety issue," Xander assured him. "I use an alternative form of kryptonite as a power source and I want to make sure it doesn't pose a health risk to Kara or anyone else for that matter."
"An alternate form or kryptonite?"
"I took some green kryptonite and duplicated it with the duplication ray that was used to create Bizarro," Xander explained, "I'd be surprised if the Justice League didn't record what I was doing with the internal security system."
"Do you have a sample with you?" the Fortress asked curiously.
"Lead lined leather pouch," Xander replied.
"I'll run some tests," the Fortress said, immediately teleporting the pouch to one of its labs. "How did you happen on the idea of creating blue kryptonite?"
"The records state that Bizarro was immune to green kryptonite, possibly even growing stronger in its presence, so I figured running some green kryptonite through it would produce a kryptonite that wouldn't harm kryptonians."
"Cloned tissue samples show no negative responses," the Fortress noted. "In fact, there is a slightly energetic response, enhancing healing by three percent even in the absence of yellow sunlight."
"Excellent," Xander said. "How about human tissue?"
"Checking… Now, that is an effective healing agent," the Fortress said pleased. "It's an order of magnitude more effective on human tissue."
"Does it reduce the lifespan of the cells?" Xander asked.
"No, telomere length does not appear to shrink," the Fortress reported, "in fact it retards telomere decay."
"Looks like I just re-invented the Atlantean life crystal," Xander said with a grin.
"The League records of Aquaman do not mention such an item."
"Did Disney produce a cartoon titled Atlantis: The Lost Empire?"
"Yes," the Fortress replied bring up an archive copy and observing the data. "Yes, blue kryptonite could extend a human's lifespan in a similar fashion."
"Looks like I'll be taking the lead lining out of my boots," Xander decided as the blue mist receded and a white mist began to pour down from above.
"You are using the kryptonite to power some device located in your boots?" the Fortress reasoned.
"Go ahead and take out the lead for me so you can examine them, just don't break anything," Xander said.
"Primitive," the Fortress noted.
"Home grown," Xander replied. "Do you have a better form of anti-grav you'd care to share?"
"I'm not allowed to share advanced technology without Kal-El's permission."
"I figured, but nothing ventured, nothing gained," Xander replied.
"The neural interface is surprisingly effective," the Fortress noted.
"The Mad Hatter does good work."
"It has a backchannel that would allow someone to control you through it, if they had the right equipment," the Fortress warned.
"Not surprising," Xander said. "A bit disappointing, but not surprising. Would you mind disabling that for safety reasons?"
"Not a problem," the AI assured him while the mist drained away and the tube slowly opened. "May I have twenty-three grams of blue kryptonite for my own usage?"
"Sure," Xander replied as he stepped into the lab and retrieved his clothes from the table.
Kara appeared next to him. "Xander, what happened? I was just gone for a couple of minutes and when I came back everyone was in the med bay!"
Xander got dressed as he talked, "Your parents decide to ask me some rather personal questions, so I panicked and called for a quarantine. We were being looked over for medical problems."
Kara just stared at him in disbelief.
"It was a perfectly valid tactic," Xander defended.
The other two tubes slowly opened revealing Ma and Pa, who looked quite a bit younger and more fit, a lot quicker than Xander had expected.
"What just happened?" Pa asked as he stepped out of the tube feeling better than he had in decades.
"Xander happened," Kara said shaking her head.
"Hubba, hubba," Pa said as he looked over Ma, who blushed and smacked him in the shoulder before giving him a once over herself.
"You've made us young again?" Ma asked.
"No, just well preserved for your age," Xander quickly said, not wanting them to know about the nanites so they couldn't reject them. "It's just a tune up."
"How did you even know how to do this?" Kara asked.
"I guessed," Xander replied with a shrug.
Pa burst out laughing.
"I don't know how we're going to explain this to the neighbors, Ma said, looking at her hand which no longer had any liver spots and the joints weren't swollen by arthritis.
"Fake winning a round the world vacation and take a second honeymoon," Xander suggested. "You can make up some story about hot springs and spas when you get back."
"You did all this to avoid a little personal interrogation?" Pa asked, trying not to laugh.
"It was off the cuff," Xander admitted. "I've had a couple of minutes to think about it-"
"And you realize how overboard you went," Kara suggested seeing the humor in it and happy that Ma and Pa looked so young and healthy.
"No, I've come up with even more over the top ways to avoid answering any questions," Xander said proudly.
"I think we can hold off any more questions until we get back from our trip," Ma decided.
"It would be nice to see Europe as a civilian," Pa said thoughtfully.
"I love you, but you are completely insane, you know that right?" Kara asked Xander.
Xander put his arms around her and kissed her. "I run around in jeans and flannel attacking monsters and madmen, you knew I was crazy when you met me."
Ma and Pa exchanged knowing glances and smiled.
"Come on, son, our steaks are getting cold," Pa said taking Ma's hand and leading them out of the lab.
Typing by: fyrewolf5
TN: Just a few bits of some other ways Xander could have tried to avoid questioning.
Some of Xander's other distraction plans
"So… how many girls are you seeing?" Ma asked.
Xander froze for a moment, before coming up with a quick plan.
"Ninja Vanish!" Xander called out while throwing smoke bombs at the ground.
When the Fortress ventilation systems kicked in and cleared all the smoke a second later Xander was already gone, with no signs of any doors having been opened, nor any appearance of him hiding under any furniture, and everything still in place with the exception that his plate was now missing.
Ma and Pa Kent shared surprised looks, before Pa burst out laughing. "So Ma, how are you going to explain that you managed to scare Kara's boyfriend so badly he seems to have developed the ability to teleport?"
Ma rolled her eyes and called out, "Fortress, where is Xander?"
The Fortress took a few moments to respond, and when it did it had a slight tone of confusion, "Unknown, I have not detected him leaving, however I also can not detect his position within the fortress."
Taking a calming breath Xander responded, "I knew this day would come as soon as Kara made it clear she was interested in a relationship, so I have prepared myself for this discussion. The truth of the matter is… Hey! What's that over there!" Xander called out pointing at something behind the two.
Unable to resist the urge to look, both turned to see what had caught Xander's attention, but saw nothing out of place, turning back to the table revealed, both Xander and his plate were missing and the door was wide open with Xander nowhere in sight.
Ma sighed, while Pa nearly fell over laughing. "I can't believe we fell for that."
Once he managed to stop laughing, Pa commented, "Well Ma, at least we know he likes your cooking."
"Well, the truth of the matter is…" Xander began, clearly nervous, but trying to answer the question, when suddenly a strange noise emanated from his boots, looking down in confusion, his face quickly paled. "Oh no, no, no, this is very bad."
Seeing how worried Xander appeared Pa asked, "What's the matter?"
"My boots are starting to self destruct and they are powered by a rare form of kryptonite, the lead lining normally keeps this from being even a possible problem, however it's now overloading, I need to get out of here before they can explode and spread particles throughout the fortress." Xander explained, before running out the door back towards the entrance Kara had brought him in from. Rising with each step he took, and allowing Ma and Pa to see flashing warning lights on the boots.
"This is going to be a little hard to believe, but the truth is... I have multiple personalities, I'm only dating Kara, however the other personalities are also in relationships with other people. We tried only dating one person in our original world, but we all have different tastes and forcing the others to be miserable while only one of us is happy would be cruel."
Pasting a contrite look on his face, Xander replied honestly, "Including Kara, I'm seeing four women on a regular basis. I know it's a little odd, but don't worry, we're trying to find more people to involve so we can get up to the normal dozen. We're just having some trouble finding people that we can all get along with."
Ma and Pa looked at each other in shock, before Pa blurted out, "Only four?!"
Xander looked down in shame, "I know it's not that many, but I'm still trying to get used to the differences on this Earth, and with the jobs, I haven't had much time to find more people we're compatible with, I'm working on it, but it's taking longer than we expected."
Omake by: fyrewolf5
AN: Hmmm. I actually had one of those planned for a future chapter….