AN: Everyone wanted to know what was going on back in Sunnydale without Xander and many predicted doom and gloom. As I've explained, this is a comedy, so no doom and gloom allowed. I also promised I would tell everyone what was going on back in Sunnydale if I could figure out how to make it funny. Well I have, so I did. Remember to review. Enjoy!
The bell over the front door of the Magic Shope rang, causing Buffy and Willow to look up from the book they were sharing, a tome filled with dark secrets that the world was better off not knowing as it turned the common man's stomach and could drive the unwary insane.
"Xander!" the two girls exclaimed as they saw the tall dark-haired figure with Anya, who had just entered the store. Buffy had leapt over the counter to reach the pair, but found Willow had somehow still beat her to be the first one to hug their friend, who had been absent for several months.
"It's not Xander," Anya told the two girls as they squeezed the young man and demanded answers to over a dozen questions without giving him a chance to answer any of them.
Anya sighed as a third girl called out "Xander," as she came out of the backroom and attached herself to the group hug.
After nearly a minute had gone by and no one else had made an appearance nor had the girls stopped peppering the dark-haired man with questions, Anya stuck two fingers in her mouth and let out an earsplitting whistle to get their attention. "It's not Xander," Anya told them firmly.
The three girls looked from 'Xander' to Anya and back again, clearly thinking she was crazy.
Anya sighed once more. "Listen, my latest attempt to find Xander revealed that he's in Heaven or at least a place so light this place counts as Hell," she explained. "While I would have no problem ripping him out of Heaven to bring him back to us… I understand that it's a bit of a questionable decision and that he might be upset, so I decided to settle for the next best thing."
The girls released 'Xander' and stepped back from him, looking at him closely and still seeing no real difference.
"You cloned him?" Dawn guessed.
"You summoned a Xander from an alternate dimension?" Willow added before Anya could respond.
"You hired a look-alike?" Buffy guessed.
"Kinda," Anya told Buffy. "I got Warren to make me a robot duplicate."
"He's a robot?" Willow asked in disbelief.
"If Xander comes back I don't want him upset because I was sleeping with someone else," Anya said cheerfully. "I mean, I know he's likely gone forever, but I still have hope for at least another three months before accepting it."
"How is that not sleeping with someone else?" Willow asked, ignoring the rest of what Anya had said as she couldn't ever conceive of a life without Xander in it.
"Xander was very clear that mechanical sex aids were not cheating," Anya said. "Sometimes he even liked to watch while I-"
"TMI!" Buffy exclaimed, clapping her hands over Dawn's ears.
The Slayer's younger sister rolled her eyes.
"I'm not sure that's the same thing," Willow said, as Dawn shook off Buffy's hands.
"Oh no, we covered that subject when we discussed Botty," Anya assured her.
"You didn't…" Buffy's voice trailed off.
"No, Xander said that it would make you feel uncomfortable, and that using a sex toy a vampire had used was unsanitary," Anya assured her.
"That's a relief," Buffy said, letting out the breath she'd been holding.
"I suggested getting a new one, as when I priced one with Warren it was surprisingly reasonable, but he pointed out it would still make you uncomfortable and knowing how prudish you are I couldn't see that changing, so I dropped the matter," Anya explained.
"I'm surprised you didn't suggest making one of one of us," Willow said.
"I did, but he assured me it would have the same problem and pointed out that making another me would divide his attention so it was less than desirable," Anya said cheerfully. "He vetoed ones of other guys, was amused by the idea of a second him, but thought it was a bit pricey for a sex toy. That's why I know he wouldn't mind."
"Huh," Willow said, her mind going to places it had only gone once before when Xander had been split in two with a magic rod.
"If he's just a sex toy, why are you showing him to us?" Dawn asked.
"He's not just a sex toy," Anya said, "I've programmed him to handle all the household chores. Also, he has a part time job working the docks early in the morning where they have a problem retaining employees due to vampires. The pay is good, so in just a few months he'll have paid for himself."
"I'm economical," Xander-Bot said proudly.
"Warren is seriously under pricing them," Anya said. "Buff-Bot was thrown together to keep Spike from killing him and she was good enough to stand in for Buffy on patrols with Spike. Xander here is much better designed and can handle vampires easily."
"Master vampires require a bit more preparation, but the standard vampire dusts quite easily when you remove its heart," Xander-Bot offered cheerfully.
Buffy and Willow moved a couple steps aside to discuss things in private. So, Dawn took the opportunity to ask, "How accurate is he and how much did he cost?"
"Less than a used car," Anya said proudly, very happy with the price she'd gotten, "and he has the exact same dimensions."
"And Warren just built him for you?" Dawn asked in disbelief.
"Money is an excellent motivator," Anya assured her before examining the book on the counter. "Ah, the sequel to Twilight's come out."
One Week Later
Buffy turned off her alarm and slid out of bed, frowning when she heard the sound of someone running a vacuum downstairs.
"Mom shouldn't be cleaning, she should be resting," she complained, not even entertaining the possibility of Dawn getting up early on a Saturday to do her chores.
Shaking her head at how stubborn her mother could be, Buffy walked downstairs and froze on seeing who, or rather what, was cleaning the living room.
A Xander-bot wearing a black leather jacket with short blond hair nodded at Buffy and said in a cockney accent, "I'll start breakfast in a minute, luv. I've just got to finish getting the living room in order first."
Buffy nodded slowly before heading back up the stairs to Dawn's room, and shaking her younger sister awake. "Dawn, why is there an X-Bot vacuuming the living room?" she demanded.
Dawn blinked sleep from her eyes and parsed what her sister had asked. "Because Mom should be resting from surgery and this way she has someone to help her without having a full time nurse."
Buffy opened her mouth to argue, paused, and then nodded. "Okay, that is the perfect reason. Good thinking."
"Thanks," Dawn said, climbing out of bed and stretching.
"Um… Why does he have blond hair and sound like Spike?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Keeps us from getting them confused," Dawn replied. "Plus, Mom gets along with Spike, they actually watch Soaps together."
"Is he really competent enough to do housework?" Buffy asked. "Botty tended to make a lot of mistakes if someone wasn't with her to tell her what to do."
"Anya spent a lot of time working on his programming to get everything just right," Dawn replied. "She let me copy all his housekeeping data for twenty bucks."
"That was… mercenary of her, but nice I suppose," Buffy said with a shrug.
Dawn decided not to tell Buffy what all Xander's household chores included. Of course with her Mom home 24/7 she wouldn't get a chance to see how well he handled some of his 'chores' for quite some time, but she could wait.
"A bargain at twice the price," Dawn said with a smile, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a shower."
One Week Later
"Why's there a dead…" Buffy began and trailed off.
"Troll," Anya said cheerfully.
"Why is there a dead troll on the floor," Buffy asked as Xander-Bot tossed it over his shoulder to carry out back while a second Xander-Bot dressed in the clothes Xander tended to favor in high school picked up a massive golden hammer and carried it into the back room of the Magic Shope. "And why are there two Xander-Bots?"
"There was a troll sealed in a crystal sphere that got broken," Willow explained.
"He was my ex," Anya offered as she cleared up the mess.
"Anya said he was useful for security, so I bought one," Willow replied. "He came in handy too, between the two of them the troll didn't stand a chance."
"So now there are three of them," Buffy said, shaking her head, "and we still don't know where Xander is."
"He's definitely in heaven, not sure which one," Anya offered.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Willow demanded.
"Because I already told you that," Anya said with a huff.
"You said he was in a place that made this look like Hell, not that he was in Heaven," Willow complained. "How sure are you that he's in Heaven?"
"He was having a threesome with Batgirl and Supergirl," Anya replied with a shrug. "Not sure which Heaven that is. Maybe a geek one?"
"How?" Buffy asked, not quite sure how to phrase her question.
"Well I figured Aphrodite would still be annoyed with Xander. She's a Greek Goddess and really good at holding a grudge, so using my position as Patron Saint of Scorned Women, I called her up to see if he was cheating on me. He's really lusty and we have an agreement about being banished to alternate plains of existence with no way home, but 'Dite didn't know that, so she was happy to show me a scene with Xander sandwiched between Barbara Gordon and Kara Zor-El," Anya explained cheerfully.
"Shouldn't you be… mad or something?" Buffy asked, confused at Anya's response.
Anya waved it off. "Xander's obviously dead and got into one of the ritzy afterlives, where they fulfill your wildest fantasies. I can't get mad at that and while I do miss him, Xander-Bot is a good substitute and does everything I tell him to."
"Can't argue with that," Willow said. "Supergirl and Batgirl? I thought only I had that fantasy," she muttered before blushing as she realized she'd said that aloud.
Anya shrugged. "After watching the three I now have it. I'm definitely going to have to donate more to charity so I can get into a heaven like that one."
"Yeah," Buffy said, trying to wrap her mind around the new strangeness in their lives.
"I was working on a spell to bring Xander back… but I don't think he'd forgive me if it worked," Willow said with a sigh. "Guess I'll just have to settle for having X-Bot stand in for him."
Buffy shook her head. "Life can't get any stranger."
One Week Later
Buffy entered the Magic Shope and saw Willow was back to her usual chipper self. "Made up with Tara?" she guessed.
Willow looked up from the homework she was doing and smiled. "Yes, once I explained things to her and then proved Xander-Bot was an android and I wasn't… hiding a secret boyfriend from her, she calmed right down and we made up."
"Good, I don't like my friends acting all mopey," Buffy said.
"How are things with Joyce?" Willow asked.
"Good," Buffy said with a smile. "Dawn's Xander-Bot was perceptive enough to catch what was going on with Mom and the doctors have given her some medication to fix it, no surgery necessary. She even felt well enough to go to the Gallery for a few hours today."
"I'm so glad to hear that," Willow said. "I was kinda worried."
"Everything's good in Buffy-Town," the blonde Slayer said cheerfully. "The only strange thing is Mom had Dawn order her a Xander-Bot to help at work, making some changes so it'd appear to be in its mid thirties with green eyes."
"She's been saying she needed help at the gallery and they are really useful," Willow said. "My Xander does all the chores I need doing, cooks any recipe I give him with little problem, and gives massages like you wouldn't believe."
"Which is why Tara thought he was your secret boyfriend," Buffy realized.
Willow opened her mouth to respond when the bell over the door rang and Tara entered the shop with a dark haired girl.
"Hey," Willow said, hurrying over to give her girlfriend a kiss.
"Hey sweetie," Tara said with a loving smile.
"Do I know you?" Buffy asked the girl curiously, thinking she looked vaguely familiar.
"This is the first time we've met," the girl replied and offered a hand. "Alexa Harris."
Buffy shook her hand. "Harris? Any relation to Xander?"
"He's my twin brother," Alexa replied cheerfully.
"You're a robot," Buffy realized.
Willow turned to examine Alexa, looking her up and down and then turned to Tara, the question visible in her eyes.
"I decided you were right," Tara told Willow, "an X-Bot is a useful tool for a college student and who can say no to having a personal masseuse that never gets tired?"
Willow pursed her lips and considered that before nodding. "Yeah, we can even get dual massages."
Tara's eyes widened and she blushed a little before shyly smiling. "I'd like that."
"Does everyone have their own X-Bot these days?" Buffy asked sarcastically, completely missing the subtext.
"No, however I am considering purchasing one," Giles offered as he came out of the backroom. "Anya's X-Bot… has dusted several vampires who thought they could step in for a bit to eat when we've stayed open past sunset and does an excellent job of filing my new book acquisitions."
"I will happily turn over all book sorting to one," Buffy said instantly. "You should get one with a big brain so it can memorize all the books so you just have to ask it what we need to know."
"I hadn't considered that," Giles admitted thoughtfully, "and it would save tremendous wear and tear on my library."
"Exactly what I was thinking!" Buffy lied, looking forward to a book free future.
"Just remember to make sure the books aren't hiding demons first," Willow said firmly.
"I won't make that mistake again," Giles assured her. He turned to Buffy. "How is Joyce?"
"Mom's great," Buffy assured him, "she's recovering way ahead of schedule."
"I'm glad to hear that," Giles said.
"I'm going to cut out early," Willow told Giles, "college stuff."
"Oh, well have fun," he said.
"I intend to," Willow said with a smirk as she grabbed Tara's hand and the two departed with Alexa in tow.
"Any idea why Warren wanted us to meet him here?" Jonathan asked as he knocked on the front door of a mansion.
"No, but he said he had something cool to show us," Andrew said excitedly.
The door opened and the two stared.
"Lynda Carter?" Jonathan asked in disbelief as he stared at the actress dressed in her trademark Wonder Woman outfit.
"Welcome to the Hall of Justice," she said with the smile that had ushered several generations of boys into manhood. "Follow me."
The two young men followed her through the mansion, passing half a dozen spandex clad heroines and into a lounge where Warren sat, getting a shoulder rub from Raven in her black cloak and unitard.
"Welcome to the Justice League," Warren said with a grin, sipping coke from a crystal goblet.
"I thought we were planning… something different," Jonathan said, recalling their talk about forming a Legion of Doom and taking over the Hellmouth.
"Which side has hotter women?" Warren asked with a smirk.
"Catwoman is hot," Jonathan pointed out.
"And is a hero half the time, so she still counts," Warren argued. "Listen, Buffy's gang has bought so many androids from me I was able to build a dozen for my own use and I was thinking… which side I would rather hang with."
"They're all androids?" Jonathan asked in disbelief.
"Fully functional," Warren said smugly. "Batgirl and Harley are luring out vampires and rolling them for cash and valuables before staking them even as we speak. We can do good and get paid."
"Count me in," Jonathan said with a grin.
"They're all female," Andrew noted with a frown. "The Justice League had Superman and Batman and… loads of male heroes."
Jonathan and Warren exchanged looks.
"I believe I can afford a couple of male androids in the lineup," Warren assured him. "Who would you like?"
"Robin?" Andrew offered, thinking of the Teen Titans cartoon.
"Dude, at least go full Nightwing," Jonathan said, "he's much cooler."
Andrew's eyes lit up. "Nightwing," he said firmly.
"Then we are in agreement," Warren said grandly as Supergirl came in and handed the two their own goblets of soda. "To the Justice League!"
"To the Justice League!" they toasted.
AN: They really didn't use the androids nearly enough considering how useful they were.
Typing by: Abyssal Angel
TN: A Xander-Bot wearing a black leather jacket with short blonde hair nodded at Buffy and said in a cockney accent, "I'll start breakfast in a minute luv, I've just got to finish getting the living room in order first."
Me: *Sees an unholy amalgamation of Spike and Xander* "AHHHHHH! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" *throws a Molotov on reflex*
Omake by Manatheron
"Man, where are the custard filled jellies? Xander knows they're my favorite but he hasn't brought any for at least a week now!"
Willow frowned. It was odd that Xander would forget something like that.
"Maybe he's mad we made him fray adjacent?" Willow offered.
"He's mad we want to keep him alive?" Buffy asked, eyebrows climbing.
"Is that what you were doing?" Giles asked, catching the last sentence as he entered the room. "It sounded to me like you were severing all ties with him. Personally I haven't seen him since he stormed off the night the Sisters of Jhe attacked. Why I've had to go out and buy the donuts myself the last couple of weeks."
"Wait," Buffy said slowly, "When is the last time you've seen him?"
Mxyzptlk frowned at the mild itch orangeward from his left shoulder blade before the proverbial light bulb went off.
"Hey you mooks, I need to borrow the bowl for a minute. I feel the possibility for some yucks coming up."
Several other deities shifted aside from where they had been eating ambrosia dipped popcorn and heckling Xander to make room for the imp who rotated the bowl a quarter turn and tuned in on one of the harsher levels of purgatory, the assorted deities and Higher beings automatically getting filled in on the details as a voice came through.
"…let me put a charm on him that will warn me if he's ever in serious danger. It hasn't gone off so he's probably just moping."
Giles, seeing a teaching opportunity (it was a school after all) spoke up immediately.
"I suppose I could teach you a simple scrying spell to check up on him. Just for your peace of mind of course."
He proceeded to get out various paraphernalia and muttered some random arcane sounding words which the deities recognized as a dirty limerick followed by the words, "Help us see our friend please, Lord Hermes." Several of the other deities rolled their eyes at this as his penchant for screwing with his followers was well known. The deity in question just impatiently gestured for Mxyzptlk to get on with it. Grinning, the imp tuned them to the recent past.
-Harley and Ivy scene-
-Batgirl and Supergirl scene-
-Xander introducing Ace as his supervillain daughter-
-Wavy lines and or fade to static, scry refuses to reconnect-
Giles in a completely un-Giles moment: "What the Bloody Fuck!"
Omake by Dragonhulk - The Hatter
One evening in the bar that has no name, The Mad Hatter escorted a young girl to his usual table, causing many of the patrons to groan. More than a few went to pay their tabs, convinced that the neutrality of the bar wouldn't stand up to Batman or the cops trying to rescue the kid.
"I thought you were staying on your meds so you could find the real Alice," Xander said casually even as he got ready to take down the Hatter's order.
"I am, and I did," said Tetch even as the girl took a bite of a small cookie and turned into a woman in her mid 20's.
"Well more like he found his Alice, and I found my Hatter, as we are as much a 'The' as anyone can be," said the now legal Alice.
"So you're with the Hatter willingly?" asked a local arsonist for hire, as he chewed on a matchstick.
"You're friends are a bit slow aren't they?" asked Alice as she showed the bar that there weren't any mind control devices in her head wear. "I'm his Alice and he's my Hatter, now we need to find our way to our Wonderland."
Xander took their orders before putting in his two cents, "Have you talked to Mirror Master? I figure if anyone would know the path to Wonderland he would."
"Thank you for the suggestion, but I have my own looking glass."
"Besides the problem is finding our Wonderland, we've been to several already and they've all had their own Alice and Hatter," explained the Hatter.
"It only takes two mirrors to glimpse infinity, and I have many more than that," said Alice. "Combine that with the mirrors that other Alices have and it's quite the task to narrow it down even when I travel far enough Chaosward."
"My brain is already beginning to hurt, but Chaosward?" asked Catwoman.
"Think of it as another direction on the Heaven and Hell elevator," said Xander as he brought the new couple their drinks. "Every world has its own mix of chaos and order, with some heavier in one than the other. It's like Dungeons and Dragons alignments, but instead of creating a character with the mix you're creating a dimension."
"And that's not even taking the changes people make to the universe simply by having free will," said Hatter with a shudder even as he took a sip of his whiskey laced tea. "If I wasn't so well read, seeing the variations one story can take between different authors, and my own madness, I do believe this hunt would have driven me truly insane by now."
"Yeah, traveling the multiverse can do that to anyone or anything. I just did it once and it knocked a few more screws loose than I had before," Xander said with a grin.