OK, that finale was intense! I can't sleep and so did a couple vignettes about my favorite couples and how this affected them. Oh, and this is my first Grey's story, so give me feedback!
Feeling her hand slip out of mine feels as if the world is slipping through my fingers. I turn and watch as she rushes to Karev's side. For a brief moment I wish I was the one who was shot. Granted, I may not be alive if Lexie and Karev had to save me, but I would give anything if she would look at me like that again.
She said she loves him. What do I do with that? She said she loves him and I love her. And he kept calling her Izzie. Now I know why I was in denial and sleeping around for months, this being in love is heartbreaking.
Teddy is standing next to me in obnoxious pink scrubs and I am standing here watching as Lexie sits beside Karev. Should I follow her? I could at least check on Karev. I tried to hate him for a long time and make his life miserable. But the thing is, he's me. He was broken and Lexie was there for him. Lexie is making him see that he is capable of the happy stuff. That he is worth the happy stuff. Just like she taught me.
Lexie taught me how to love. Without her, I never would have been emotionally able to take in Sloan and even offer to raise a baby. And I really believe she loved me back. But the ironic thing is, she got me ready for all of this big life stuff and she isn't ready for it. She's young and has years left of learning and she isn't ready for a baby and a husband.
My words from a few weeks ago, offering her a husband, haunt me. I see her reaction every night before I go to sleep. I know she loved me. I know she's scared. And I probably just made it worse. Hell, I would settle for a post-it wedding, if it meant she was mine.
Will I wait for her, I don't know. I want to. I know it will be a long time, if ever, that I feel the way I feel about her for someone else. But if she chooses Karev, or anyone else for that matter, and is truly happy, what can I do?
After minutes of self-reflection and watching her cry, I can't take it anymore. The least I can do is offer her a shoulder while she waits for Karev to wake up.
Walking away from Teddy, I enter Karev's room and clear my throat, "Lex?"
She looks up at me and gives me a weak smile but doesn't say anything. After a minute of looking into each other's eyes, I move over and kneel beside her. She is the first person I have ever been able to have the silent eye conversations with. Even after this time apart, we still have it.
I put my hand on her arm and with that she turns to me completely and starts sobbing into my shoulder. Phrases like "it's all my fault" and "I'm so sorry" are spilling out of her. Calmly, I start rocking her and combing my fingers through her hair to soothe her and calm her down. While it hurts to see her in this much pain, to have her in my arms again is like heaven.
After composing herself she pulls her face away from my shoulder and sniffling, looks up at me. All I can say is what I have been repeating for 10 minutes now, "It's going to be OK, Alex is fine and he's gonna make it."
"No, it's not him. I mean I'm glad he is OK and all, but that's not why I am crying. Well, I guess it partly is, but it's just that it's all so much, I mean I…I pulled the plug. I am the one that killed Mr. Clark's wife. It's my fault he got shot. It's my fault they all got shot!"
Grabbing her by the face I make sure she is done rambling before I start speaking. "Lexie, this is not your fault. It's the man with the gun that did the shooting. It's his choice, it's his fault."
"He said I was one of the ones he wanted to kill."
Chills run up and down my spine as I think about what I would have done if Lexie was shot today. She must feel it because she runs her hand up and down my back. All I can whisper harshly is, "Thank God it wasn't you."
She looks up at me and then grabs me in a fierce hug. We sit there for a long time, just hugging each other and reaffirming that we are both alive. Slowly she pulls back to look into my eyes again and simply says, "He thought I was Izzie."
I just nod. I don't know what to say. Anything I say would be biased anyway. She nods back at me and then stands up. She gives Karev a peck on the cheek and then turns to me and holds out her hand. "C'mon, Mark, let's go get some coffee."
Seeing that twinkle in her eye and feeling her hand safely encased in mine once again, I smile and follow her out of Karev's room. Maybe the world hasn't completely slipped away yet.