People act like she's perfect. She's Lilly fucking Kane; she's their goddess and how could there be any doubt about that? She revels in it, of course. She wants to be gorgeous and she wants to be worshipped; always the needy, selfish little rich girl; she never got daddy's love and now needs it from every fucking person she meets.

Except for him, of course. He sees her dirty and they like it like that; he drags her into the mud where she belongs – literally, a lot of the time. He should feel guilty, given she's Logan's, but he really does not care. She doesn't seem to either, so that's good. Maybe she's tired of them holding her up on a pedestal and pretending she's the light in their life; she's just another fucked up girl. She knows it, and he knows it.

It's rough. It hurts and it's dirty; it's not disguised as anything other than the self-destruction it is, and she never, ever lets him forget. She doesn't even know the things that are crawling inside him like insects, eating him from the inside out. It's sick and it's horrible, but he almost likes that from her – it's honest. He's not going to forget about what happened, even if she's as ignorant as everyone else he's met. Even if he needs to keep it that way.

Sometimes Lilly looks at him with such… exasperation. He complains and she just slaps him on the mouth and says, "get over it Beav." He knows she thinks he has nothing to complain about, because she's stupid that way. Stupid brat; can't see anything outside herself. He could kill himself while in her and he doubts she'd even notice.

Right now, he's got her pushed into the dirt of Celeste Kane's flowerbed; her pale blue miniskirt rucked up around her waist and getting covered in grass-stains. Her breath is hot and wet on his ear and it reminds him of awful things; of tears and shame and that one useless word, 'no.' Lilly moans like a porn star; wraps her legs around his waist to dig him in further and pulls on his hair. Her own is full of mud and chrysanthemums; the part of Cassidy that is still, well, sane is worried about getting caught.

Oh, let them get caught. Let everyone see them all dirty and broken and fucked-up; especially her. He doesn't have anything against Lilly, but God he wants to make them all see her like the stupid slut she is. He bets they would all be so shocked with her, the idiots. They would ask her why – Logan would be stupid enough to expect her fidelity, naïve Veronica would be so scared, Celeste would scream at her for ruining the family image – and Lilly would just laugh and shrug it off, because that is what Lilly does. She never needs to accept or appreciate what anyone tells her; she just flutters through life unaffected.

He wishes he could be like her, sometimes – he hides in the shadows because he has to; because he knows what would happen if he did. Weak little coward fag Beaver; hen let this happen, let himself be used like that, always such a dirty little boy, always a stupid boy, no. He won't let it happen; Lilly is still moaning and groaning for him, and he knows she needs that and she wants more than anything to drag herself into light and show them all her excuse to get worse, and it's all so unfair, because she hasn't a clue how bad it can really be and he was just a tiny, scared little boy when they broke him. He deserves that catharsis so much more than her, but she will never care about what they call her, and he spends every second of his life caring.

He fucks her with a fury that functions like enthusiasm; he knows she'll be able to tell what it really is, but as per who she is, she won't care. He's gripping her shoulders hard enough to leave bruises (he's surprisingly strong for his tiny frame), and she'll probably have to come up with some excuse for those later, particularly to Logan – he'll just give her those puppy-dog eyes and buy it without a second thought, because he's pathetic like that. It strikes him as funny, how Logan Echolls is meant to be one of those great, strong people who get everything including all the girls, and "Beaver Cleaver" is the stupid alleged-virgin probably-queer weakling, but he's the one who fucks Lilly into the dirt and Logan's the one she leads around like a dog on a leash.

"Whore," he mutters while he fucks her, and Lilly doesn't deny it; she just smiles smugly then parts that mouth to moan loudly. She's bitten her own lips red and swollen – he hasn't done it; they never kiss, it's against the whole point – and she really does look like the girl who'd let anyone do anything.

Lilly's moans grow slower and deeper, before something snaps and she screams and comes. He follows suit quickly, biting on his lip hard enough to draw blood, just to keep from crying out. He pulls out and they both collapse in the dirt, her letting out a little 'oof' sound.

"Wow," she says. "Somebody didn't have a good day."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever, Lilly," he says, sitting up and wiping the blood off his lip with his index finger. Maybe he shouldn't have tried so hard to stay quiet, because his lip really does hurt now.

She sits up too, before she gently takes his finger with the blood on it in her delicate hand. She stares at it intently, like an academic concept she can't quite understands, before she pulls it into her mouth and sucks the blood off. He looks at her when she does that; all dirt on her body and plants in her hair, bruises and her smeared, ruined make-up – she looks every inch the trashy whore now. Abruptly, he pulls his hand out of her mouth and she pouts.

"I should go," he mutters, and she rolls her eyes. His stomach twists, because he can see in her eyes that he's still not enough. She wants to explode in full view like a supernova; show them all how she's a wreck and it's all their fault. He's always just wanted to hide in the shadows, play the role they want him do, and take revenge only when he's got the opportunity and no-one will ever know it was him. She wants a spectacle, and he wants invisibility.

She'll find someone else; someone that can give her that explosion. She'll get that person, whoever they are, to destroy her like she thinks she needs. Then it will be over; it will be done, no-one will believe in our goddess Lilly Kane anymore, and they will probably cry. Everyone will feel so guilty about the girl they broke without even realizing it; people always so genuine and compassionate, ha freaking ha. Nothing will change, really. Lilly will just disappear.

Maybe he'll miss her, when she's gone.