Butterfly Knives & Huge-ass Handguns

A/N: Second fic I wrote, again featuring Blazblue. Play the game if you haven't already. It's awesome. This is basically what happens when you have a several thousand year-old ex-cyborg ghost thing that is completely bat shit crazy who hates vampires and throw him into a setting where vampires that don't drink tea and take naps but instead are Nazis that eat babies are crawling out of every orifice and then have him team up with the great-granddaddy of all vampires. Enjoy.

A door appeared from nowhere and opened in a back alley, unceremoniously spitting out a slim green-haired man onto the muddy pavement before vanishing as quickly as it came. "Goddamn shitty vampire! Actin' all noble and shit, bragging about her royal status. Noble my ass! That was underhanded, even for me! Now where the hell am I?" He wondered to no one in particular as he tried in vain to clean the mud off his stylish trench coat. The events that brought about his current plight resurfaced in his mind, and he cringed when he recalled what got him here, wherever 'here' was.


"KYA-HA! What's wrong, shitty vampire? Can't seem to hit little old me with lightning?" The green haired man in a black trench coat and fedora mocked while he weaved through several lightning strikes, which were tinged pink. His adversary, a girl who looked little over the age of ten and dressed in Victorian-styled clothes, did not respond to his taunt but instead summoned a frog, which hopped towards the man.

"Shut your filthy mouth, Terumi." Was all she had to say before summoning a gust of wind to blow the frog over to the man, who simply grinned and put a hand over his hat, as if afraid it would leave his head. The frog started sparking and suddenly discharged a lethal amount of pinkish electricity, which did no harm to the green mop-top as a mosaic pattern of black and green lines appeared from nowhere and shielded him from the frog's Thundershock attack, which was not very effective…

As soon as the frog stopped trying to fry Terumi with its electricity and promptly disappeared with a 'poof!' and a cloud of smoke, he lunged forward with an impossibly wide grin and a butterfly knife in each hand, both blades wickedly sharp and gleaming maliciously, his venom-yellow eyes flashing out from under the brim of his hat.

He slashed wildly while laughing maniacally at the girl who simply sidestepped and blocked with her umbrella, which was really her cat familiar. The umbrella/cat familiar screamed with pain every time one of the blades bounced of his skin, but it did not do any real damage to the familiar. She then smacked the red hovering ball of lard that flitted around her at Terumi, who was caught off guard and got hit in the face. Where the thing resembling a flying pig landed, a rod took its place. It crackled with electricity and the air around it was permeated with the stench of ozone as the massive voltage it contained ionized the oxygen in the surrounding air.

"Sword Iris!" The girl said, her voice carrying over the field despite her not raising it. Where the rod stood, a flash of pink lightning like the ones the man with the fedora dodged at the start of the chapter struck. He was not so lucky this time and was hit by the lightning. Where a skeleton should have been ( come on, we all know that being shocked by large amounts of electricity would actually act like an X-Ray and show one's skeleton to the world, right?) there was only a black shadow with round eyes and no discernable hands or feet, betraying Terumi's true nature as not being a man, but a ghost.

Terumi picked himself off the ground as if the lightning strike was nothing. "Aw, come on! That ain't how you treat an old acquaintance right? Where are your manners? Oh, and in case you forgot, I go by Hazama now."

"I have no desire to waste any of my time with you, let alone be civilized with scum such as yourself. Remove yourself from my abode at once so I may enjoy my nap after a nice cup of tea."

"Ya always were a stuck up little snot-nosed brat, right from when I first met ya 72,500 years ago. One of the many reasons I hate you so, so very much, ya damn shitty vampire." The man spat and his golden eyes glared daggers at the girl.

The girl was not in the least bit fazed. "Your words and insults mean nothing to me, miscreant. But I do have a name and would like you to refer to me as such, although I am not sure your miniscule mind is even able of comprehending a person's name."

"I refer to you however I damn well like! Trash like you ain't worth having a name anyway."

"Perhaps you are just covering up for the fact that you are so mentally challenged as to forget the name of one so esteemed such as myself. I will indulge you and tell you my name, and you best not forget it this time. I am Rachel Alucard, current head of the Alucard house. Now kindly excuse yourself before I am forced to use more barbaric methods."

"Try me, shitty vampire." He spat back, placing extra emphasis on 'shitty vampire'.

With that, the fight began anew. The two fighters battled in earnest and as such, their personalities could be read by their actions. Hazama was like a snake, striking faster than the eye can see and exploiting any openings he may find. Rachel, however, was more dignified in her approach. Even in the midst of battle, she held the air and confidence of a pedigreed noble. She was surefooted in her steps and struck only when the opportunity presented itself, and blocked all of the attacks Hazama threw her way with the fortitude and patience.

"Enough! This farce has long worn out its welcome and it is past my teatime! Tempest Dahlia!" As she announced the name of her Distortion Drive, she concentrated all her power into manipulating the wind. It brought along a heavy storm as well as a myriad of her most powerful familiars.

Hazama saw this coming a mile away as it took time for her to muster her power to send the monsoon of familiars his way. He put his hand on his hat again and the shield made of his Armagus appeared and protected him from the onslaught of the storm of creatures.

However, he did not realize that the attack was nothing more than bait for her real trap until it was too late. A door appeared from nothing right behind him and opened, but the only thing that could be seen inside the door was nothing but swirling darkness. The wind started howling even louder as the door started sucking in everything, rain, stray familiars, and its target, Hazama. With the portal behind him acting like a giant vacuum cleaner, the storm lashed at him even harder. He took his hand off his hat and used both arms to shield his face as he tried to make headway against the storm.

The man formerly known as Terumi tried to resist the suction, but the storm was blowing against him and in the direction of the door. Coupled with the vacuum effect of the interdimensional portal, the storm proved too much for him to bear and he was thrown into the door, screaming curses and promises of revenge. The door shut.

"Finally I can get some rest. Valkenhayn?" Rachel called for her butler, who appeared right behind her instantly.

"Yes My Lady?" The elderly butler inquired.

"I desire tea. Fetch me a pot of Darjeeling, and some scones."

"As you wish." The butler vanished to fetch the desired items.

"Hmm? What's this?" Rachel spotted Hazama's fedora lying on her rose garden, spoiling the view of her flowers.

"Just when I thought I got rid of him, he leaves his precious hat behind. Is he really that desperate to bring my wrath upon him?" The vampire asked to no one in particular.

She snapped her fingers and the door reappeared, sucking the hat bat inside to deliver it to its owner.


Hazama's scowl deepened as he tried to brush off the muck that clung to his coat. "And this gone and got my good coat ruined! Its gonna take me months to clean this thing. At least my hat's fine." He reached up to put his hand on his hat. It always helped to calm him down.

Where he expected to feel the rich velvet that his hat was made of, he instead found a handful of his lime green hair. "What the fuck? Shit! The damn storm that bitch whipped up must have blown it clean off my head! That hat is like a part of me, no other hat will ever replace it!"

Just as Hazama was about to have an emotional breakdown, the door opened again and plopped the hat back on his head. Hazama's mood immediately brightened. "Hey, maybe she ain't that bad after all! Going so far as to return me my hat!"

"Who you talkin' to? You a looney or somethin'?" A gruff voice called out.

Hazama straightened up, his cheery demeanor gone. While the voice would have sounded human to other humans, Hazama has no mere human. He detected an animalistic edge to the voice; it was like the growl of a predator, sizing up its prey.

Hazama smiled widely while closing his eyes, making him look like a fox of sorts. "And I might say the same of you? Who in their right minds just walks into a back alley to talk to a random person? He might be dangerous you know." His already wide smile grew wider, exposing some of his teeth; which were sharp, like the fangs of a venomous snake.

"Right back at'cha, 'cause you're on the menu tonight!" The stranger roared while pouncing on Hazama, his maw opening, a chasm rimmed with razor sharp fangs designed to rip apart skin and muscle, sinew and bone.

Hazama's smile turned from amiable to malicious. His slit pupil eyes flashing with insane glee. He whipped out one of his trusty blades and slashed at the vampire, who barely managed to avoid being decapitated, a long gash cut into his neck.

"What are you? Are you with Hellsing?" The vampire was shocked; he had never seen a human react to him with that kind of speed. It was like a cobra's strike, fast and deadly.

"Hellsing? Sounds interesting. Would you be so kind as to tell me about them?" Hazama inquired in a tone that was cheerful, but had an undertone that suggested that refusal would be met with a long and painful death.

The vampire was scared now. Something about the human's gaze was wrong. Humans couldn't look a Nosferatu in the eyes without being crippled with fear, much less glare at them. His eyes were a bright gold, the color of snake venom and the slit pupils further added to the reptilian image. His gaze was like that of a predator, a predator that has cornered a mouse; it was toying with its prey, reveling in the prey's fear and its own supremacy.

He flipped the butterfly knife around in his hand expertly, its blade glinting in the moonlight like a snake's fang. "Go on. Spill it." He urged, keeping his tone light, but the slight narrowing of his eyes suggested he was losing his patience.

The vampire screamed as he tried to bolt, jumping towards a wall, before jumping again at the adjacent wall and repeating the action, trying to escape to the roof. The man in the fedora kept up effortlessly, taking his time, purposely letting him escape so as to prolong the hunt. The vampire ignored this and concentrated on getting the hell out of Dodge.

The vampire landed on the roof of one of the buildings, now there were no more obstructions. He jumped in the direction of a bridge, under which he camped under during the day. He thought he was home free when he felt his left leg get crushed by a pair of metallic jaws. He screamed in pain as the jaws clamped down harder, crushing the already shattered bone into smaller pieces.

Hazama looked at his catch. The thing thought it could escape. Not on his watch. The vampire was able to jump so far ahead only because he let him. Just when the vampire thought he could make it to safety, Hazama crushed his hopes by sending out his snake chain, Ouroboros. It is basically a metallic snake head, about as long as an adult's forearm and half as wide which could bite down with a maximum force of about 500 kilograms per square centimeter. It could be used like how Hazama was using it at present, to latch on to a long-range target, but there were two ways he could follow it up.

The first is to use the chain to pull him over to the point where the snake head was. The other would be to swing the chain and slam the target into a wall or the floor. It was the latter that Hazama implemented. The vampire did not have time to cry out again as Hazama yanked the chain hard, pulling him back towards the crazy snake-eyed man and away from safety. The wind rushed in his ears as he plummeted toward the ground.

CRUNCH!

The body landed in the middle of a main road that was deserted at this time of the night. He impacted with such force that cracks appeared on the tarmac, after which his body just splattered all over the road, his bones crushed and fractured, his brains leaking out his cranium, his lungs punctured in twenty different areas by every one of his ribs. His intestines were but little red-streaked pink strips, having exploded from the extreme force of the slam. The vampire remained a big red stain on the tarmac for a few seconds before turning to ashes, his heart having been pulverised by the impact.

Hazama did not look at his prey. He had sensed something evil, something extremely powerful headed right towards him. He grinned like a maniac in anticipation.


"Master, what's wrong?" A chesty blonde in a military uniform with a really, really short skirt asked a 7-foot tall man dressed flamboyantly in crimson Victorian-era clothes and a fedora with such a wide brim that people could mistake for a ten-gallon hat. Said people would proceed to be raped slowly to death by the tall man in red.

"Our target has been killed." The man's crimson eyes burned like hellfire behind his round orange sunglasses.

"What? Don't tell me it's Anderson!" The busty blonde yelped in panic and surprise.

"It isn't that Vatican dog. He is just as insane, but he is another person. Interesting…"

The walking pair of chesticles panicked. Whenever her master found something interesting, it and everything within a ten mile radius would be destroyed. She sincerely prayed to anyone who would listen that her master would not find this person.

"Come Police Girl! This mission is turning out to be much more interesting than I had expected. The night is still young! Let us confront whatever that was able to slay a Nosferatu, even a lowly FREAK one, and test its mettle." With a dramatic billow of his blood red trench coat that seemed to foreshadow the blood that might be spilt in the coming hours, he walked towards the building Hazama was standing on, still smiling and awaiting the challenge of the No-Life King. Boobs just followed the red-clad man and kept praying.

A/N: I hoped you liked the fic, but if you didn't, too bad. I will be continuing with it regardless of whether the reviews are positive or not, but any reviews will still be very much appreciated. Next chapter will be Hazama versus Alucard, so hang on to your hats.