Title: Adventures in Diplomacy (or how Castiel and Crowley Got Stuck On Earth Helping With the Cleanup) - Prologue
Character/Pairing/s: Dean, Sam, Bobby, Cas, Crowley (maybe undertones of DeanxCas who knows)
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers through 5x21 (and then pretty much AU after that). MOAR blasphemy! Some crack. Randomness.
Word Count: 1,925
Summary: In the beginning, there was DEAN. And some other stuff.
Dedication: LOL uh, pinkpapyrus? I owe you b-day fic I believe.
A/N: Christine and I decided that we would like a spin off crack series with Cas and Crowley antics. We talked about it. And so here we are. Sort of. This is all I really have right now. UM.
Disclaimer: No harm or infringement intended.
Prologue: In Which DEAN Decides Things of Great Import (and Some Things Just For Fun)
The Apocalypse means the end of the world. However, the exact definition of "end of the world," is, as most things that involve words are, open to interpretation. This particular Apocalypse begins as a prophesied war between Heaven and Hell on the battlefield called Earth, via the Winchester vehicles. It is the end of everything as anyone knows it. That is its purpose.
Once that purpose is fulfilled and it properly becomes the end of the world as anyone knows it—much to anyone and everyone's surprise— a new world is born to take the old one's place. That is the true meaning of this particular Apocalypse as God had intended it; it is the end, but it is the start as well.
And so, after Heaven above and Hell below wage their prophesied battle on Earth in the center with the Winchesters stuck in-between, both Heaven and Hell eventually discover (too late) that in the end (the beginning), the winner is not either of them, because it was never meant to be.
The winner is the in-between.
As it turns out, Earth and the Winchester vehicles end up being much more important in the grand scheme of things than simply a means and the place. Needless to say, once the angels and the demons discover this (in the midst of fiery battle no less) there is a lot of embarrassed sputtering and righteous indignation on both ends. God has a sense of humor like that, the same kind of grinning, "Gotcha!" mentality that is seen on programs like Punk'd or whenever one spends increments of time greater than five minutes looking at the platypus.
Thus, in the end (and the start), the surprise knock-out punch goes to Earth, the Winchesters, free will, and the forward thinking of one angel of the Lord who descended to the center when he wanted to stop being a dick and one demon of hell who ascended to the middle so he could keep on being an honest businessman.
The Apocalypse, like any civilized war, follows certain universal rules. To the victor(s) go the spoils.
Some of which are getting to make all the rules.
In the new world order, Heaven and Hell are greatly weakened. They are now required to report to Earth. Angels write debriefings to the humans in charge about the evils they have stopped and the criminals they have apprehended in the name of Heaven's will. Demons are mired in red tape and long lines, holding stacks and stacks of forms whenever they apply to claim a soul on Earth. It is very different from before but it works; the humans in power hold the rings of the Horsemen and the swords of the Archangels and the beer of themselves, a holy trinity of peace and control and new, fun ways of thinking.
God, in the meantime, has died. All old things die eventually, even God, but before He did He created the Apocalypse so that there would be new things left behind to take the place of the old things. He died peacefully alongside all the other old things whose time had come, and as He did, He made sure to pass His job on to someone new. This task went not to the devoted sons of Heaven or the powerful beasts of Hell, but like the rest of the world, went to His beloved man instead.
More specifically, God's chosen successor is named Dean.
Dean, as he insists on being called (though it is often pronounced DEAN by those who wish for more official and lofty titles for their new DEAN but who are, at the same time, too afraid to defy His will), puts Bobby in charge of Heaven. Bobby is not a dick, the words of DEAN declare, and so Bobby shall clean house upstairs and teach angels how to drink the beer of DEAN and speak the language—the Word— of DEAN and most important of all, Bobby will help the angels learn how to take deep breaths and unclench every once in a while.
Michael does his best to follow the teachings of Saint Robert and fulfill his duty to DEAN because Michael has always been the most dutiful of the Heavenly Host; the first word Michael learns from the Word is "Dude." It is strange and mystical on his tongue, but with time, comes almost naturally to himself and to his brethren, alongside other holy gospels like "Idjits" and "Sweet" and "Blow me."
Even though it is strange, these are the Words of DEAN and they are good. Mostly.
DEAN reluctantly puts Sam—SAM, the demons whisper with reverence and hope— in charge of Hell. It is because SAM insists that he can make changes there, and the demons are in awe of their Lord's persuasive strength when DEAN reluctantly agrees, such as it is that SAM's power is one of the few things that can move DEAN to concede to someone else's requests. It is because SAM is most dear to DEAN, perhaps as dear as Lucifer had been to God, except that SAM is not psychotic and DEAN is not the Father of all dicks in Heaven, amen.
Thankfully, even in the new world order, SAM understands that it is necessary to punish the evil deeds committed on Earth by the souls of the wicked. And so Sam penalizes most of those mid-level sinners who descend into Hell with His Flatulence for part of the time, and then puts them in time out for another part, to think about what they have done (and to get some air), and then afterwards, judges if they have learned their lessons and are ready to reincarnate to Earth for a second chance to do things right. And while the last two parts of SAM's regimen are found to be questionable by most of Hell's upper management, everyone universally agrees that any portion of time spent in the presence of His Flatulence (amongst other things) is a terrifying and dark punishment indeed. Their new Master is truly fearsome and awe-inspiring that way, which just figures, because this is the guy that managed to harness the true spirit of Free Will as God had intended it and turned the tables when Lucifer had entered his body, burning Lucifer's grace out of him instead of getting burned out himself.
No one, not even upper management, wants to fuck with that shit.
Even if they aren't sure about the whole time out thing.
But in the long run, upper management supposes that all is not lost; at least in New Hell under the rule of SAM the beer of DEAN is allowed, and they can have it cold.
Humans are the damndest things (ha ha Hell humor).
DEAN declares that Heaven and Hell should have ambassadors who remain on Earth proper as well, a couple of demons and angels that would live permanently amongst man and learn to understand man's plight and share that understanding with their respective brethren. It is the recipe, He states, which had helped Earth win during the end of the world. "In fact, I'm thinking all of you douch… er, guys, should do a tour here on the mud heap every once in a while. See what it's like to be us."
Castiel smiles crookedly when he hears this and says, "Amen." And while it is the right word to say, the other angels who see him as he says it think that perhaps it is not meant exactly as it is said. Those who learn more about the humans and their ways some years later recognize that what Castiel had used at the time is called irony, and it is a thing much loved by mankind (thought slightly less than beer).
DEAN smiles back at Castiel knowingly when the angel says this, and the look of it makes the graces of all the other angels flutter inexplicably as He murmurs, voice low, "So you think you might be able to recommend anyone for the job, Cas?"
The new Archangel Castiel looks properly thoughtful. "I might. But he will have to be convinced."
DEAN seems pleased (and some years later, angels will learn that in that moment, Castiel is being something called 'facetious.' He is an enigmatic Archangel indeed).
After that, before Crowley can slink off into the shadows— in the hopes of not is being named or looked at or considered anyone's friend (least of all the DEAN's)—his escape is cut off by Castiel and he is pulled into the center to face DEAN with very little of his dignity still intact.
"Hey, Crowley," DEAN says, a twinkle in His eye that makes the black smoke essences of all the demons present twist in strange ways, "stay around for a while. We'd miss you."
"That's sweet and I may have vomited a little. But I couldn't. Business to attend to back home and the Dogs need to be fed. Chew the furniture to pieces if you leave th…"
The ground beneath him rumbles.
"Love to," Crowley manages with a sigh and an expression that desires a tumbler or two of good Scotch. "Wonderful."
"Sweet, so it's decided." DEAN grins then, wide and mischievous and ultimately charming as He looks between His favorite angel and His chosen demon. "I've got an office all set up already and everything." Pause. "You two don't mind sharing, right?"
Castiel blinks, Crowley groans, SAM snorts, and Bobby rolls his eyes.
DEAN just drinks His beer and smiles His smile. "Since you know, you guys made such an awesome team before."
"He might kill me," Crowely gripes, pointing at the Archangel.
Castiel is perfectly calm when he swats Crowley's finger away from his nose. "I would not kill you unless you gave me due reason to," he offers, reasonably.
"See?" DEAN says. "Fair's fair."
Crowley disagrees (DEAN or no DEAN). "It's not fair when you consider the fact that I'm evil, and as such can't be blamed when I inevitably give him a reason to kill me as is in my nature," he insists.
DEAN snorts indelicately. "What, you? You're a pussycat."
"Remember that when I'm a dark stain on your pretty Embassy rug," the demon sniffs.
"I would not leave a stain," Castiel promises, once again, very reasonably.
Crowley gives him an incredulous look. Castiel looks right back in a way that means he has failed to read Crowely's incredulity completely, and DEAN busts out laughing like this is His best idea to date.
"This is gonna be great," He says.
No one disagrees.
For it is the word of DEAN.
And while everyone knows that it is ultimately good, it is a little bit evil too.
The denizens of Heaven and Hell are learning that this is just how the humans roll.
Thus, in the world that comes after the end of the world, Earth rules both Heaven and Hell, humans can be gods and saints and devils while still being human at the same time, and by His ineffable word (and slightly wicked sense of humor), the Ambassadors Castiel and Crowley grudgingly move into the Inter-realm Embassy DEAN has set up for them, which turns out to be nothing more than a run down two-bedroom two-bathroom apartment with peeling paint and creaky floors, nestled right in-between DEAN's own loft and the trash chute on the second floor of an ancient three story building at the very center of the center of the new world.
From there, Hijinks inevitably ensue.