With You I Am

"I didn't know I was sick." Teresa spoke quietly as she sat in the large circle. She felt ridiculous. She didn't need this. She wanted to leave. "I didn't know until one of my co-workers pointed it out. My Dad was the same. Like father like daughter, I guess." she waited for someone to speak, but no one said anything as they waited for her to finish. "I hated him for it. He started drinking more after my mom died; hit by a drunk driver. Pretty redundant. Well, he'd have these blackouts, and he didn't know what he was doing, he really didn't. But, once he almost killed my brothers and I, almost beat one of my brothers to death. I hated him. And, now, I've become him, I guess."

"No, Teresa. You are your own person. You can get better." the leader of the group said. She felt like she was in a cult as all the others happily agreed. "When did you first notice your drinking?"

"I work at CBI, you know, and a few years ago, my friend Sam Bosco was murdered by Red John. But, we don't talk about it." she looked dark and depressed as she spoke.

"If you don't talk about it, how do you let anything out?" one person in the group said, and they had just the right voice that bugged Lisbon to no extent.

"I guess I don't." she snapped.

"Maybe that is what is causing your drinking." the leader, Michael Thorns, spoke.

"Really?" Lisbon barked sarcastically.

"Teresa, we are all friends here." a man across from her said. She spoke no more but scowled at him.

Michael thorns directed his attention toward the clock before stopping Lisbon from telling the rest of her story, much to her liking.

"Okay, friends and neighbors, that's all the time we have for today's meeting. Please wait in the pickup room for your rides."

Everyone exchanged goodbyes as Lisbon picked up her purse and darted out of there before anyone could stop her to talk. She was supposed to wait for Jane, who was picking her up. It was an exercise that Michael used to start the sessions with. He made every person get dropped off and picked up by someone, helping them to build trust with someone else. She thought it was a stupid idea. Lisbon snuck to the back of the building and left out the back door, thinking about walking to the bus stop or calling a cab. As she walked out, she turned to look back inside to make sure no one had seen her. She didn't feel like talking any more to Michael. She turned back and gasped in alarm as she saw Jane standing there.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped, walking around him.

"I knew you'd come out the back. You hate relying on someone else." Jane flashed a 'I bet I know you better than you know yourself' smile.

"Go away." She didn't want to talk, she just wanted to go home and never come out again.

"Come on, I'm already here. And you didn't think your plan out very well, did you? The last bus came about 5 minutes ago, the next one doesn't come for another hour." he smirked. Lisbon didn't say anything but went straight to the car. Before getting in, she turned to him.

"No talking, okay?" she felt small. As if she were under his power. She didn't like not being in control.

Lisbon slid into the passengers seat and Jane sat in the drivers seat. Lisbon hated when Jane drove, but today she didn't say anything.

The first few minutes of the ride were in silence. But then, Jane spoke.

"So what did you talk about?" he asked. He knew he was pushing her, but he figured he'd try.

At first she didn't say anything and Jane stopped waiting for an answer, returning to the awkward silence.

"We didn't talk about much." Lisbon spoke quietly. "We just introduced ourselves." she was half telling the truth. She didn't mention how they gave their background stories and explained why they were there. She also didn't mention the fight between her and another group member at the beginning of the therapy. She could tell him that later.

"Sounds like fun." he continued to drive, not taking his eyes off the road.

Soon, they arrived back at her apartment. She got out in a rush, quickly muttering 'thanks for the ride' over her shoulder before escaping into the lobby. She didn't look back to see him. She didn't want to see him.

Lisbon slammed the door in her apartment room, sinking to the floor as sobs escaped from her. She hated what a mess her life had turned into. She hated all the feelings she felt every day, the ones that made her want to drink.

Once she drank, the pain was gone.

And then it would ware off.

So she needed more.

And more.

And more.

Until she couldn't live without it.

She trudged to the kitchen. She had sworn to Michael that she would get rid of all her alcohol in her house. She intended to.

Lisbon reached for the shot glasses and grabbed the bottle of tequila she had been given from Bosco. Walking to the living room, she set down the glass on the table and poured it high up to the top. She took drink after drink. Drowning the feelings inside her. She felt better. She kept drinking. She finished the bottle and grabbed another. This time it was vodka. She drank it down. Each time she swallowed she felt another layer of depression and heart ache float away. She felt lighter than she every had. As she neared the end of the bottle of vodka, she began to feel light headed. She stood with the now empty bottle and proceeded to the kitchen to grab another. Lisbon knew what she had just done was not good for her at all, but she didn't care, it made her feel better. But now, she didn't feel so great. He head was spinning and nothing in the room was staying still. She went to set the bottle on the counter but she missed and it shattered all over the floor. Lisbon began to walk to the cupboard to grab her dustpan but lost her balance. She crashed onto the floor, her head hitting the ground. That didn't help with her dizzy state. She looked to the ceiling. She wanted to get up, but she couldn't move. The room spun and ringing sounded in her ears. She struggled to stay awake, but the overwhelming need to sleep was succeeding in the struggle. Was this really how it should have ended? She wished she could have gone back and told Jane her true feelings, she didn't mean for things to end the way they did. The way they were. She thought back to him. His perfect blonde hair. His amazing smile. His deep green eyes. She missed him. Everything was different now between them. That stupid thing she did burned a deep hole in her heart. Yet, she continued to do it. It didn't matter anymore, though. Cause there was nothing anymore. She closed her eyes and everything stopped.