Summary: What if the attic meeting had gone differently? What if Jessie was too scared to admit her feelings for Katie?
Disclaimer: I don't own Once and Again or any of its characters. I do not claim to have come up with any of the existing storylines; the people who came up with them are much more brilliant than I am.
A/N: Hey! This is my first fanfic….please be kind, but constructive criticism is what makes my writing better so by all means, critique! I have only ever seen the last few episodes of OA, plus some videos on YouTube, so I apologize if the characters seem off.
Also, fyi, I am writing this in hopes it will help me sort out my own feelings for someone…I have REALLY liked my good friend for two years now. Only problem is…she doesn't know, actually not many really know, that I'm bi. And she's straight. I don't have any clue what to do. So I'm writing this hoping it'll act as a bit of therapy, and possibly give me the courage to act, or the solace to leave things as they are.
Katie climbed the stairs up to attic slowly, her heart pounding wildly in her chest. There were a million thoughts flying through her head. Her legs felt heavy as lead and every step was a struggle, both physically and mentally. In her head, she knew she should turn back. Every logical instinct screamed at her that it was better not to know how Jessie felt. But her heart pushed her on. If there was even the slightest possibility Jessie shared her feelings, then Katie had to find out.
Katie reached the door and raised a tentative hand, pausing before knocking with much more gusto than she intended on. She heard Jessie's voice call out softly and she took a deep breath, steeling herself. It's too late to turn back now, she told herself. So she pushed open the door and climbed yet another set of stairs. She reached the top and saw Jessie, looking half surprised and half wary, yet still more beautiful than anyone else ever could be.
"Oh, I thought you were my stepmom," were the first words out of Jessie's mouth.
"Well, I'm not. Your brother let me in." Oh way to go Singer, sounding antagonistic will help your cause for sure. Katie was mentally smacking herself, but kept going. "Look, I just want my sweater back and then I won't bother you anymore."
"You're not bothering me," came the reply, to which Katie scoffed at silently.
"Whatever, can I just have the sweater back?"
"Sure, it's got to be around here somewhere."
As Jessie turned to look for the sweater, Katie stepped forward, and saw what she was certain was her letter laying on the floor beside the trash. Katie felt her heart crack a little more. Seeing her letter just lying there, cast off by Jessie was like seeing a representation of herself. It hurt more than Katie could have possibly imagined.
"Oh look, you missed the trash," Katie managed, her voice, which had been shaky before, was now betraying her as she tried desperately to hold back her tears.
Jessie rushed over picking up the letter. "I wasn't going to throw it away."
Oh right, I'll get straight on believing that. "Look, can I just have the letter back?"
"You want the letter back?" Jessie asked with confusion evident on her face.
When Katie heard that and saw Jessie's look she knew she couldn't hold back her tears much longer. Don't do it Singer, don't convince yourself and build up your hopes again. She's not upset you want the letter back she's just…she's angry she can't burn it. Yeah, that's it, she wants to burn it. Just don't let yourself fall any further. Katie had to turn away. She always showed emotion through her eyes, and with how well Jessie knew her…she didn't want to scare the younger girl any more than she already had. So she reached out, snatching the letter out of Jessie's hands before turning her back.
"I've humiliated myself enough as it is!" Katie exclaimed, fighting hard to reign in her emotions. To love someone and have them be oblivious to it hurts enough, but Katie couldn't take this, having Jessie know and reject it so immediately. Katie had been stupid; she should've known better than to tell Jessie her feelings. At the time, she felt like she was going to lose her anyway, so she had nothing to lose. But now Katie realized she had made a mistake. She needed Jessie in her life. She needed to see that smile everyday. She should never have written the letter.
"How?" Katie heard Jessie's voice and was torn between feeling hope and anger. Did Jessie truly not care about the negative impact of what she wrote? Or was she just being vindictive, punishing Katie for liking her?
"Because, I should've never wrote those things!"
"It's okay!" Jessie now had tears in her eyes as well, and looked a little desperate to convince Katie. But Katie refused to see that.
"It's obviously not okay since you'll barely even talk to me!" The tears were flowing openly now, and Katie could do nothing to stop them.
"I just want to be friends!" Jessie too was crying, and those words stopped Katie cold. "I've just been really…."
"Confused I know." Oh boy, do I know, thought Katie.
"And you're really important to me!" Jessie exclaimed.
Katie's heart leapt. Jessie told her she was important to her. Did this mean there was still hope of salvaging some part of their relationship? "I am?" she asked Jessie in a quiet voice.
"Yes don't you know that?"
"You're so important to me," Katie stated, feeling a smile tugging at her lips.
"So can we just be friends, I mean am I still your friend?" Jessie was still crying and sounded just a touch hysterical.
Katie broke out in a full smile, feeling her heart mending itself already. It no longer mattered whether or not Jessie felt the things Katie had shared in her letter. All that mattered was Jessie still wanted to be in her life. So she smiled and let the younger girl off the hook. "Oh my God, of course you're still my friend!"
Jessie smiled upon hearing those words, and laughing, the girls rushed towards each other and captured one another in a powerful embrace. Katie thought she was about to burst from the pure joy she was feeling right now. And holding Jessie tight to her, feeling her head resting on her shoulder and the strength of her hands gripping her back, had to be the most amazing feeling Katie had ever experienced.
"We'll just throw the stupid letter out, okay?" Katie did not want that letter to remain, potentially able to destroy things once again.
Katie heard the whispered words from Jessie, and pulled back slightly, looking the younger girl in the eyes. She had no idea what to expect.
"I can't throw it away," Jessie whispered, a small smile appearing upon her lips for a second. "I want to keep it forever."
Katie was momentarily stunned by those words. Jessie wanted to keep her letter? The very same letter which almost destroyed the amazing friendship they shared. The same letter in which Katie had confessed her true feelings for the blonde standing before her, surely scaring and confusing her beyond belief. Why on earth would Jessie want to keep a reminder of such embarrassing and painful times? Katie's musings came to a halt when she saw a determined yet loving look in Jessie's blue eyes. And then Jessie moved forward and Katie did too, and the next thing she knew she felt Jessie's soft lips upon her own.
Katie was heaven. The instant their lips connect Katie felt a jolt of electricity surge through her entire body. She had never felt anything as incredible as this. Katie was shocked, but definitely ecstatic. She had dreamed about kissing Jessie, but she never imagined it possibly feeling like this. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but to Katie it felt much longer. The love of her life had kissed her.
Katie smiled at Jessie as the broke apart, still holding her loosely. She was indescribably happy. But then she saw the look of regret and shame on Jessie's face, and felt an icy shard of pain stab at her heart once again.
"I don't…" Jessie started, but broke off, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry," Jessie barely whispered. "But I can't do this. I can't be your friend. Please just leave. I'm so sorry." And with that, Jessie turned her back on Katie, and all Katie could see were her slender shoulders shaking.
Katie stood there for a moment, feeling her heart, which had been so full of joy mere seconds ago, shatter into a million pieces. Jessie had made her decision. Katie had ruined everything. She rushed over the stairs and ran down them, out the door. She barely registered a confused Grace, almost running her over, unable to see clearly through her tear filled eyes. She ignored the hand Grace placed on her arm, attempting to halt her escape, and left the Sammler house. She hopped in her car and drove, somehow finding her house through her pain-filled haze. But when she got there, she couldn't bring herself to go inside. Instead, Katie stayed in her car; slumped down over the steering wheel, and allowed herself to finally break down and gut wrenching sobs wracked her slight frame.