Years ago when Hook was a Jedi Knight he Met Darth Vader at a Local Quiddich Match


Once upon a time there were some pirates. Like all Pirates, Dorothy wanted treasure. Her best friend Peter Pan was looking for eternal youth. Captain Hook, who insisted upon following Peter everywhere, was seeking a new and better hook. Tinkerbell, Peter's worst enemy, was out to kill him. Peter, however, did not know of Tinkerbell's hatred. The only one who knew of this was Oscar the Grouch. He too, had malevolent intentions. The way he saw it Cookie Monster must die. Luke, however, thought of Cookie Monster as a friend. He provided him with many, many cookies. Yoda, Luke's mentor, told him he would find his father on the trip. Unknown to them, Darth Vader was great friends with Captain Hook. Years ago, when Hook was a Jedi Knight, he met Darth Vader at a local Quidditch match. It satisfied them both very much to see Harry die. Later, when Hook lost his hand, he gave Darth his light saber and taught him the ways of the Jedi. And, thus their story unfolds:

Chapter One

"Land Ho!" screamed Dorothy happily as Captain Hook steered their makeshift boat towards the island. Peter Pan was so happy to see land that he started dancing on top of Dumbo, their pet elephant. (Having a pet elephant was no easy task seeing as he took up the entire boat and weighed it down quite a bit.)

"Quack, quack," said Toto as he jumped off the boat and swam to shore. Dorothy jumped out and tied the boat to the shore so that it wouldn't float away. Peter, the cautious one, looked around to see if they had any competition. They were searching for a treasure after all. "This should be easy," He said when he was satisfied that no one else was there.

"That's what you think," said Captain Hook.

"Oh Captain, why are you always pessimistic?" inquired Tinkerbell.

"Quack, quack!" exclaimed Toto as he ran off into the forest to find the treasure.

"I guess we'll look this way," said Dorothy noticing her friend's excitement. But, before long, they stumbled upon another group of pirates.

"Wow!" exclaimed Peter who was shocked that his search was not successful.

The other group of pirates was quite strange. Quite strange indeed. One of them was wearing a leather jacket. This was not the strange part, however. This man was making a weird signal with his hand. He had his thumb and pinkie sticking out, but the other three fingers down. I guess Hawaiians would call this the 'hang loose' symbol. He exclaimed "Ehh!" as he approached them. This was one cool dude.

Another pirate in the group was named Snorkel Bob and wore snorkeling gear at all times. In fact, he was snorkeling through the sand. He was their captain, so none of the other pirates said anything about it. Just then, Snorkel Bob jumped up and exclaimed, "What are you doing here? This is OUR island. We've been searching this sand for twenty-five years! The treasure is ours!"

"You mean this treasure?" Darth Vader asked as he picked the lamp from a nearby tree.

"YES!" said Snorkel Bob. "Give it to me!"

"No," said Darth Vader.

Sensing the tension between the two, Luke turned on his light saber. Following Luke's example, Darth Vader turned on his light saber and advanced towards him. And, so, Cookie Monster drew his sword and cut off Fred Flinstone's head. Now the battle really began. The terminator sought revenge for Fred and tried to kill Cookie Monster. Luckily Snorkel Bob came to his rescue. A harpoon through the eye sure slowed his progress.

Meanwhile, Luke and Darth Vader were fighting. However, Winnie the Pooh and Mickey Mouse teamed up to fight Darth Vader. Unfortunately, Luke was shocked to see them and accidently announced their arrival. Darth turned around and cut their heads off in one swoop.

"I"m so stupid!" exclaimed an onlooking islander. He ran up to Darth Vader and asked, "What's happening?" And, so, Darth Vader cut off his head.

On the other edge of the forest Peter Pan was fighting with Oscar the Grouch. Tinkerbell joined in and slashed Peter's leg. "Oops," she said and quickly flew away. Just then Oscar stubbed his toe and fell over screaming in agony. The Fonz heard Oscar's cries and went to help him. On the way he encountered Dorothy. This lost pirate was no match for the Fonz. With only one hit and an "Ehh!" coconuts flew off the tree and knocked Dorothy out. "Ehh!" said Fonze as he walked away signaling 'hang loose'.

"Die!" the Easter Bunny screamed as he charged at Captain Hook.

"Eep!" squeaked Hook and ducked to avoid the Easter Bunny's blade. "Well, someone sure forgot to take their anger management pills today," Hook mumbled.

"Sure did!" the Easter Bunny roared as he charged again. Unfortunately he tripped over a loose stone and crashed into a tree. Seeing that his foe was unable to attack him further Captain Hook strutted off in search of better things.

"Kill him, you must," Yoda told Luke.

"Kill whom?" Luke asked, confused.

"Smurf, Papa!" exclaimed Yoda just as Papa Smurf entered the clearing. "May the force be with you," Yoda said as he pushed Luke towards Papa Smurf.

"Ok," a bewildered Luke said as he took out his light saber and charged at Papa Smurf. This was not a move Papa had anticipated. Screaming, he jumped into the forest and hid. Using the force, Luke sensed his hiding place and found him. Moments later Papa Smurf was smurf no more.

Peter, trying to heal himself from Tinkerbell's "accident", was grazing on some grass nearby. Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall. Cool-Aid Man heard Humpty and ran to his rescue. However, he tripped over Peter and spilled screaming "OH NOOOO!" Then all the king's horses and all the king's men came running to save Humpty. Darth Vader stopped them however. There would be fried eggs for dinner.

"Quack!" screamed Toto as he attacked Mario. Confused, Mario tried jumping on top of Toto to squish him. Tinkerbell, sensing Toto's distress fired her flamethrower at Mario, frying him.

From behind, the Hulk charged at Yoda. However, Yoda sensed him coming. He concentrated very hard to use the force to throw him into King Kong's mouth. "Never fear. Superman is here!" Superman screamed as he saw King Kong choking on the Hulk.

"Ehh!" said Fonze as he hit a coconut tree. Kyptonite coconuts fell off and hit hit superman knocking him unconscious. Because Superman couldn't save King Kong, he choked on the Hulk.

Suddenly Captain Hook saw a snorkel moving through the sand towards the lamp. "ARG!" he screamed as he pulled the snorkel mask off.

"Sand coming in mouth....can't breathe....not this way.....mommy.....eyes closing...mouth full of tunnel....go to the bright light....oh no! Flames! FLAMES!" [Snorkel Bob's last words]

Chapter Two

"All this fighting is pointless," Luke said.

"In this lamp, what is?" inquired Yoda. Captain Hook scratched his head in confusion.

"COOKIE!" demanded Cookie Monster.

"Just open the damn lamp," Oscar suggested.

Dorothy, waking up, scratched her head unknowingly on the lamp. "What are you doing?" screamed Tinkerbell, furious at Dorothy.

Just then, blue mist came out of the lamp and formed a genie.

"Wow!" exclaimed Peter. "A real live genie!"

"Ten four!" exclaimed the genie.

"Do we get wishes?" Captain Hook asked.

"Three!" said the genie.

"Cool!" exclaimed Dorothy.

"I want a yacht!" screamed Captain Hook.

"Ten four," the genie replied and pointed at the sea. Just then, a yacht with a screaming turtle appeared.

"Cool! I want a superhero!" Peter Pan screamed.

"Ten four," the genie said and pointed to the sky.

Just then Robin fell down from the sky into the ocean. "Holy wetsuit, Batman!" Robin said. Then, looking around he asked "Batman? BATMAN?" Robin started swimming quickly away.

"Ok. That was pointless." Darth Vader said.

"Conserve wishes, you must," Yoda warned.

"Yeah, I want more wishes," Oscar the Grouch said.

Just then the genie turned black and started shaking. He spoke rapid Hawaiian and both he and the lamp exploded. Then Yurtle, the turtle from the yacht, walked up to them. In a heavy British accent he said, "He cursed you, you fools."

"What?" Dorothy asked.

"Ahh...rain. Melt us it will," Yoda explained.

"How do you know this?" Luke inquired.

"Only once curse spoken by black genies in Hawaiian, there is." Yoda responded.

"What should we do?" Captain Hook asked.

"Eat cookies!" Cookie Monster suggested. Sighing, Luke took a cookie from his pocket and gave it to Cookie Monster.

"Visit Spongebob Squarepants, we must," Yoda said.

"Spongebob? That bastard? WHY?" Darth Vader demanded.

"Lives in a pineapple, he does," Yoda said. "Familiar with the pineapple people's ways, he is. Help us, he will."

"We're off to see Spongebob, the wonderful Spongebob of the pineapple." Dorothy sang.

"We need your yacht!" Oscar demanded from Yurtle.

"NEVER!" Yurtle shouted. However, Dumbo, having just sunk the first boat, climbed onto the yacht and stepped on Yurtle.

"Well, that solves that problem," Darth Vader said.

"Right then." Captain Hook said as he boarded the yacht. "Where to?"

"What do you think you're doing?" demanded Oscar.

"I"m the captain. What does it look like I"m doing?"

"You killed our captain!"

"Nevermind that fool!"


"Did he really do anything anyway?"

"Umm...sure. Yes. He did plenty!"

"Now, don't lie Oscar. You know Cookie Monster did all the work," Luke said.

"Some loyalty, Luke." Oscar replied.

"Honestly, I don't care. This is my yacht. If you wish to come you'll listen to me. If not, you can stay here and rot," Captain Hook declared.

"Aye Aye, Captain," Dorothy said as she boarded the yacht.

"Come on Toto," Peter said as he picked up Toto and followed Dorothy on the yacht.

"Idiot." mumbeled Tinkerbell.

Oscar, who was nearby, overheard her. "Couldn't agree more, Miss," he replied. Tinkerbell blushed and flew quickly away.

"Go aboard, we must." Yoda told Luke.

"Ok," Luke said and followed Yoda onto the yacht. Darth Vader followed and went to talk to Captain Hook. Cookie Monster followed and ran to Luke begging for cookies. Reluctantly Tinkerbell and Oscar followed.

Chapter Three

Once they were all inside, Dumbo started wagging his tail and slobbering all over their feet. Toto, used to being the favorite, quacked loudly in protest. "Shut up, you little mut!" Oscar shouted and slammed the lid on his garbage can.

"What a grouchy man!" Dorothy exclaimed, picking up Toto and moving farther away from Oscar. However, right when she sat down a cookie hit her head.

"Umm...s-s-sorry." Cookie Monster stuttered as he retrieved his cookie and ate it.

"Ugh! What does a pirate have to do to get some peace around here?" Dorothy asked, furious. She then opened a door and went down to the basement. "Wow!" she exclaimed, shocked at what she saw. There were Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling, broken ornaments on the floor, and wrapping paper covering the walls. Santa was sleeping in the corner. From the looks of the place, he drank too much last night. "OH MY GOD!" Dorothy screamed and ran right back out.

Unfortunately, she crashed into Peter and knocked him over. "Ow! My leg! MY LEG!" he screamed, in agony.

"I'm so sorry, Peter." Dorothy apologized.

"What the hell were you doing?" Peter asked.

"'ll never believe this, but...that room is Santa's. He's sleeping in the corner. The place is trashed, Peter! I didn't know Santa was an alcoholic! My life is ruined!" Dorothy screamed and started to cry.

"There, there, Dorothy," Peter said as he gave Dorothy a comforting hug. "I"m sure Santa isn't really in there."

"HE IS!" Dorothy shouted, outraged that Peter didn't believe her.

"Let me go look." Peter said as he opened the door cautiously. "Holy !&#!" He exclaimed. What do you think he saw? It was none other than Willy Wonka and his oompa lumpas! And! they were dancing to the music of Eminem! LIVE! "Talk about a freak show." Peter mumbled and rushed upstairs to tell Dorothy.

"Oh my!" she exclaimed. "Toto, we're definitely not in Kansas anymore!"

"What'cha guys talking about?" Darth Vader asked as he turned the corner.

"That room!" Dorothy shouted. "It's EVIL!"

"Ha! Surely a room cannot be evil." Darth laughed.

"Have a look." Peter suggested as he motioned towards the stairs.

"Ha! Evil. I'll show you evil." Darth mumbled as he walked into the basement. "What fools!" Darth cursed as he found nothing out of the ordinary in this room. Although there was a rather suspicious stack of scuba gear in the corner.

"Coooo-kieeeeeeeeeee" Cookie Monster screamed as he fell down the stairs and crashed into Darth.

"Get the hell off me!" Darth screamed, furious at Cookie Monster.

"S-sorr-ry." Cookie Monster stuttered as he brushed the dirt off himself.

"Are you alright, Cookie Monster?" Luke called down the stairs, anxiously.

"Ummm...yeah. Just had a little run in with Darth, that's it." Cookie Monster shouted back.

"A little run in, eh? Little? Ha!" Darth grunted as he gathered the scuba gear and carried it upstairs.

"Need some help there, Darth?" Cookie Monster asked as he tried to carry more scuba gear upstairs.

"No! Don't touch it!" Darth commanded, fearful of the damage Cookie Monster would do to it.

"Aww....well..screw you!" Cookie Monster said as he grabbed the rest and followed Darth upstairs. Now, they didn't realize it at the time, but this scuba gear was soon going to become a major part of their journey.

On top of the deck, Captain Hook and Tinkerbell were having a lovely discussion. It seems that neither one knew where exactly this Spongebob lived. "Let's ask Yoda." Tinkerbell suggested.

"Hmm....sounds like a plan." Captain Hook replied. "Sure, ask him. Can't hurt." And, so, Tinkerbell drew her sword and summoned Yoda to her presence.

"So....where is this Spongebob you speak of?" Captain Hook asked Yoda.

"Spongebob, where is? Ahh...Spongebob , in a pineapple, he is." Yoda replied.

"Well, we know that!" Captain Hook snapped. "Don't play dumb with us, Yoda. Where is this pineapple?"

"Under the sea, it is."

"And how do you expect us to get there?"

"Scuba, you must."

"Right. Scuba. And you think we have scuba gear on this no good, son of a devil, brown, so-called yacht?"

Just then, Darth walked in dressed and ready for scuba diving. "Hey!" he said and jumped off the boat.

"Need an answer, do you?" Yoda asked.

"Oh dear lord!" Captain Hook cried as he took out his flask and drained it into his mouth.

"Poor fellow." Tinkerbell remarked as she went off to harass Peter some more.

Chapter Four

It was dinner time aboard the yacht and all the pirates were hungry. "Cookie!" demanded Cookie Monster. But, to his disappointment, Luke pushed a bowl of soup towards him.

"You have to be healthy, Cookie Monster. Soup is good for you." Luke insisted.

"I don't want no stinken soup!" Cookie Monster cried and started throwing a temper tantrum.

"Oh dear lord!" Captain Hook said and took out his flask. "It's empty! EMPTY!"

"Full, now it is." said Yoda as he refilled Hook's flask from his own.

"What?" a bewildered Luke asked. "You drink?"

"No." said Yoda hesitantly.

"Oh well," said Tinkerbell. "On to dessert!" And, so, Darth Vader brought out the pies.

"Pie!" Cookie Monster exclaimed happily.

"Ugh. So are we supposed to eat these pies or throw them at Cookie Monster?" Oscar asked.

"Eat pie!" Cookie Monster shouted gleefully.

"Ok....Throwing pie in 3...2...1..." Oscar said as he threw the pie at Cookie Monster.

"Food fight!" Tinkerbell screamed as she flung a pie at Peter. Peter, however, ducked and the pie hit Dorothy right in the face.

"Oops." Tinkerbell said as she flew away to avoid being pied.

"Uh uh, " said Oscar as he saw her trying to escape. He threw a pie at her and she fell to the ground covered in pie cream.

"Damn!" she cursed and then licked her fingers.

To be continued....