Verse: G1 (slight AU)
Characters: Jazz, Metroplex, Soundwave, General Autobot cast
Pairings: if you squint REALLY hard through Perceptor you might juuuuust make out some friendly Prowl and Jazz
Rating: PG for mild violence
Warnings: erm... earworms?
Summary: While the other Autobots are out fighting a battle, it falls to Jazz to be the lone defender of Metroplex when the City is breached by an unwelcome visitor.
Notes: Because of the time the song in question was released, I'm pretending the '86 Movie DOES NOT EXIST. It NEVER happened and thus the Season 1 and 2 cast continue as normal, with the addition of Metroplex.
Disclaimer: The TFs belong to Has/Tak; the song to Lady Gaga; the story concept belongs to me - do not plagiarise.

Wrong Number


The mech in question stirred in his sleep when the quiet voice sounded in his room, slowly emerging from recharge in not too great a mood.

"Jazz?" the voice sounded anxious, urgent even; he decided he'd better see what the problem was.

"What's the problem, Metroplex?" he asked. "Is the battle over?" Then he sat up, a bad feeling in the bottom of his fuel tanks. The city-former wouldn't wake him for just anything. "No one died, did they?"

"As far as I can tell, everyone's alive and well. There are some casualties, but Ratchet, Wheeljack and First Aid are taking care of them."

Jazz was puzzled. There wasn't much he could do in a battle this time round. He'd returned from a mostly-successful sabotage mission with a busted right knee and Ratchet had fixed the worst damage right before the klaxons rang. Seemed Megatron was particularly unhappy over the loss of his latest device that he'd seen fit to bring the entire Decepticon army.

Ratchet only had enough time to close up the leg, give him a pain-killer and order him to his quarters to rest and let his self-repair fix the rest of the damage before he rushed out with the main force. Despite Jazz's worry for the others, he'd actually managed to fall asleep, and he knew that Metroplex knew better than to wake a bot who was recovering from injury.

"Then what's the problem?" He sent a silent command to power up the emergency lights in his room, and that was the next sign he got that something wasn't right. "'Plex?"

"Soundwave is in my main control room," the big Autobot said.

"What?" Jazz started to get to his feet, wincing as his knee protested the weight he put on it. "How'd he get in?"

"It was my fault, I'm afraid," Metroplex sounded a little embarrassed. "I was trying to make sure no Decepticon snuck up on any of our bots that I failed to pay attention to anyone that might sneak up on me. I didn't realize his presence until I felt my battle and communication systems shut down."

Jazz tried his door-code override and found it non-functioning. "Fragger's in your system's alright. He's locked down the city."

"Are you able to get out? I don't believe he knows you're in here."

The saboteur was hesitant. "There're several ways I can get outta here, but none o' them are gonna be pleasant for you though. Y'sure ya can't send an sos out to the others?" He tried his own .

"I am very sure. Soundwave's blocked radio signals for at least a three-mile radius." Metroplex sighed. "Do what you must to get out, Jazz. I'm willing to… take one for the team, as the humans say. Besides, I fear to think of what he might do if he turns my weapons against the Autobots."

Jazz had already ripped the keypad off the wall and was jacking directly into the locking system. "I know 'Plex, and I'm gonna apologize in advance for this."

"I accept your apology, Jazz."

Several firewalls popped up, some belonging to Metroplex, some foreign. Sighing, Jazz brought up a couple of the milder viruses he used to take down simpler locking systems when he was out on the job. They would hurt the big bot the least and be easier to clean out of his systems later. He only hoped they would work and he wouldn't have to employ the more vicious kind – they were meant for enemy fortresses after all, to do the most damage to systems. He didn't want to think about using them on a friend.

Thankfully, it seemed Soundwave's lockdown was weakest on non-essential areas like residential quarters. He broke through in minutes and was able to override the locking codes, trying to ignore the wince of pain Metroplex gave as some of his systems were broken down. As his door opened and he stepped out, limping slightly, he summoned his photon rifle.

" 'Plex, isolate the virus t'this area and try not t'let it spread if ya can. It'll be easier t'find and eliminate once this is over." He started to walk towards the control room, then paused. "Sorry, buddy."

"It's necessary, my friend… but please hurry."

"Fast as I can." Jazz didn't need to be able to see well in the dark to know where he was going. This was his home, he knew it like the back of his hand, and besides, he relied more on sound than sight. A lot of his missions took him to places where light wasn't an option after all.

He reached an elevator, and rather than risk infecting Metroplex with more viruses, he forced open the doors with his hands. He knew there were rungs alongside the door on one side that the maintenance bots used when they needed to service the elevator or carry out repairs.

Feeling along the sides of each wall, he found the rungs on the left side and swung himself out, climbing as fast as his knee would allow. When he was about two-thirds of the way up, he sensed something blocking his way and stopped, reaching up with a hand.

It was the elevator car. Bots had probably taken it up to the command level as the battle began to get to their posts or head out, and it had stalled there when Soundwave initiated the lockdown. Right now, it was between him and where he needed to be.

"There's a hatch on the bottom," Metroplex said. "And two rungs on either side. The maintenance bots normally do this with light and a few cables."

"Well, guess I'll just have to do this with one cable then," Jazz replied, swapping his right hand for his grappling hook and line.

He magnified the sharpness of his optics and switched to infrared light, the blue glow of his optics almost turning black. He hated using infrared – they were such a drain on the systems – but in this case, it was necessary. He fired the hook which caught and held on one of the rungs, then swung himself out so he was dangling over the empty blackness of the elevator shaft.

"Please be careful, Jazz." The city-former sounded worried. "I cannot help you if you fall."

"Just relax and let me do my job 'Plex. You focus on givin' Soundwave a hard time till I can get to your control room."

Jazz reeled himself up till he could hold on to the wide rung with his left hand, swapped the hook and line for his right hand and got a good grip on the bar. Then with all the agility of a gymnast, he swung his legs up and slipped his feet through the opposite bar till he could grip the rung with his knees.

Satisfied that his knees would hold him despite the protest of his right one, Jazz let go of the bar his hands were holding on to. For a moment Metroplex feared the little saboteur would plunge headfirst down the shaft, but Jazz was holding on not unlike an Earth primate. Then, displaying a flexibility and strength the city-bot didn't know he had, Jazz curled up on himself so he could work on getting the hatch open.

The larger bot winced silently to himself, not wanting to imagine the strain the saboteur was putting on his injured knee, but if Jazz was in pain he didn't show it. The smaller black-and-white popped the hatch open and swung himself in, hanging on with his elbows and clambering into the elevator itself.

"How're you doin', 'Plex?" Jazz asked.

"Not too good, I'm afraid." Metroplex sounded strained. "I fear he might have gotten into my main processor, in which case-"

The other bot's voice was abruptly cut off. Jazz cursed softly again and quickly set about forcing open the two sets of doors that stood between him and where he needed to be. Once in the hallway, he broke into a run, switching back to normal vision now that he had the emergency lights to see by.

Outside he could now hear the muffled booms of explosives impacting, with the ground he hoped, and as he passed by a window he caught flashes of laser-fire. Part of him noted that there was more lilac than amber and it worried him. The Autobots obviously needed Metroplex's backup.

Pushing the worry for his friends from his mind, he carried on silently down the hall, moving slowly now so as not to alert Soundwave to his presence. As he neared the control room, he pressed himself against the wall and crept up quietly alongside the door. Thankfully, this one was open.

Probably had to force it open to get in, and figured no one else was inside, Jazz thought. He took out a small mirror – a gift from an admiring fan, and he'd soon come to realise the simple little object was very handy on missions, like now. He stretched his hand out and angled the reflective glass till he could see inside the room.

Soundwave stood before the console, thankfully alone it seemed, a cable jacked into the systems. On the screen Jazz could just make out the schematics for Metroplex's weapons' array. If he turned those weapons on the Autobots….

Jazz subspaced the mirror and re-summoned his rifle. He had to act fast. The element of surprise was on his side, but it would only work once because once he struck, Soundwave would be aware of him, and fragged if the big Decepticon didn't creep him out just that little bit. What with the telepathy and all. The only reason he wasn't using it now was because he didn't know Jazz was there.

He tightened his grip on his rifle. Here went nothing….

Moving fast he stepped just inside the door and fired off a shot. The amber bolt hit close to the end of the cable plugged into Metroplex's main console, severing the connection and doing some damage to the inlet as well. Jazz winced internally – just another thing he'd have to apologize for.

But that would come later. Right now he had bigger problems. Literally. Soundwave was aware of him.

The Decepticon levelled a fiery red glare at him, and in spite of the seriousness of the situation, Jazz smiled a little manically.

"Got a li'l hung up there, Soundwave?" he asked. "Sorry t'cut ya off, but your call-time just expired."

The blue mech responded with something that sounded like a growl, Jazz wasn't sure. He was too busy trying to avoid the shot Soundwave fired at him. He ducked and the purple bolt hit the wall behind him, firing off another shot of his own and moving further into the room, favoring his right knee

He had to get to the console and get Metroplex up and running again.

"Retaliation: foolish," Soundwave intoned. "There will be no more."

Jazz only had time to say "What?" before the Decepticon fired at him again and he realized a second too late that Soundwave was aiming for his current weak spot. As such he jumped a second too late and the shot clipped his knee, effectively dropping him.

"Slag!" He should've known the mech would pick up on that little injury. Ratchet was going to kill him for this.

He was about to get back to his feet when a searing pain shot through his entire skull. Jazz gave a cry and dropped his rifle, bringing his hands up to his head. Soundwave was attempting the telepathy, he knew, and it hurt like slag. Jazz resisted, throwing up as many firewalls as he could manage on the spot.

It wouldn't do for Soundwave to cripple him here. He carried too much sensitive information and that, plus the information and control he had over Metroplex might prove deadly to the Autobots.

"Resistence: futile," the mech actually laughed. It made Jazz want to claw his audio sensors off. "Give up, Autobot."

Jazz scrambled for something, anything that would stop the mech's advance into his processor. In a last ditch attempt he switched on his radio – the one linked to his extensive music database. A song flashed across his consciousness and he actually smiled. The irony was perfect. He activated it and threw it up against Soundwave's advance. He felt the other mech hesitate…

"Hello, hello, baby you called I can't hear a thing," he sang. "I have got no service in the club, you see, see." In his mind he could almost see the telepathic link, poised like a serpent about to strike. Well if he had his way, that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. "What, what, what did you say? Oh, you're breaking up on me… Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy."

K-kinda busy
K-kinda busy
Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.

The music and rhythms kicked in full force and Jazz turned the brunt of it on the telepathic link, trying to force Soundwave back and deliver a message at the same time. Again he felt the Decepticon hesitate. Obviously no one had tried countering him with music before.

Just a second,
it's my favorite song they're gonna play
And I cannot text you with
a drink in my hand, eh…
You shoulda made some plans with me,
you knew that I was free.
And now you won't stop calling me;
I'm kinda busy.

Glancing up he saw a slight flicker go over the red visor as Soundwave tried to focus over the driving beats and repetitive female vocals. It was the perfect song, Jazz thought. Not only were there sound effects over the music, the rhythm changed constantly thereby not giving Soundwave a chance to settle into the pattern of the music.

Now he just needed to get the mech disarmed. He winced again as the Decepticon tried to renew his mental attack and immediately started singing the lyrics again as a way to help him concentrate on blocking.

"Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore! I left my head and my heart on the dance floor." He felt Soundwave recoil again. "Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna talk anymore! I left my head and my heart on the dance floor."

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
I'm busy!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…

His right hand slipped back and was replaced with the grapping hook again. He took aim at Soundwave's gun and fired. The hooked sailed across the short distance between them and knocked the weapon out of the blue mech's hand, sending it sliding across the floor and under another console, smirking as he drew the line back.

He could feel Soundwave glare at him. The battle was on now, though neither moved physically. Jazz continued to counter-attack with the song, feeling the link waver every time the rhythm and words changed.

Can call all you want, but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bub,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

Can call all you want, but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bub,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

Jazz knew the song wouldn't last forever though. He needed a way to get Soundwave to back out of his mind completely so he could pick up his rifle and drive the mech out physically. Then an idea struck Jazz. With the link in place, there was no reason not to use it to his own advantage.

Soundwave must have sensed he was up to something because he pulled back just the slightest bit. Oh no, Jazz thought, he was not getting away that easily. Quickly he scrambled to write the code he needed, even as he sang the words again to keep focus.

"Boy, the way you blowin' up my phone won't make me leave no faster. Put my coat on faster, leave my girls no faster." He was going to make Soundwave regret coming in here. "I shoulda left my phone at home, 'cause this is a disaster! Callin' like a collector – sorry, I cannot answer!"

Jazz seized the link and felt a slight sense of satisfaction when Soundwave took a physical step back. iYou want somethin' from me? Here, this one's all yours!/i

He transmitted a hastily made and particularly nasty virus over the link – something akin to a worm that would go straight to the CPU and start replicating its code and content over and over again, disabling other processes in the mean time. With any luck, it'd be a while before Soundwave got rid of all of it.

Not that I don't like you, I'm just at a party.
And I am sick and tired of my phone r-ringing.
Sometimes I feel like I live in Grand Central Station.
Tonight I'm not takin' no calls, 'cause I'll be dancin'.

Jazz released him as soon as the virus transferred over successfully and Soundwave staggered back, leaving Jazz's mind. The saboteur immediately swept up his rifle and trained it on the Decepticon, visor glinting.

'Cause I'll be dancin', 'cause I'll be dancin'
Tonight I'm not takin' no calls, 'cause I'll be dancin'!

"I'm only gonna say this once," Jazz growled. "Get out."

"Autobots: do not shoot unarmed mechs," Soundwave replied.

"Oh I've got plenty of reason to, and Prime ain't here t'stop me right now." The photon rifle whined with a building charge. "Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore! I left my head and my heart on the dance floor." He sighted the big mech. "Still think I won't?"

Soundwave figured he had nothing to lose since there was no one to see his retreat, backed out of the room and quickly retreated down the hallways. Jazz waited till the footsteps had faded even out of his hearing range before turning his back to the door and limping over to the console to reboot Metroplex.

It didn't take long for systems and lights to come back online, and he quickly accessed the City's weapons array.

"Jazz?" a voice sounded around him.

"Welcome back 'Plex," the saboteur replied in a cheery voice. "Feel better?"

"Much. What happened to Soundwave?"

Jazz smirked. "He didn't like the music."

"Music? I'm afraid I don't follow."

"Stop callin', stop callin', I don't wanna think anymore! I left my head and my heart on the dance floor." Jazz sang as he used his access codes to arm the big guns. "Now how 'bout we take care of our Decepticon problem first and then I'll introduce ya to the Lady."

He enabled the video feeds in time to see a Stunticon trying to creep up on Prowl and Bluestreak. Immediately he turned one of the smaller guns on the Decepticon and fired, shooting the mech through the shoulder. The two Autobots spun round to see what had happened and Jazz smiled at the looks of relief on their faces.

"Would you like to take care of the sniping while I focus on the big guns?" Metroplex asked as he released a volley of missiles on a Decepticon cluster.

"Be my pleasure, mech."

"And play me that song while you're at it?" Metroplex chuckled as he began to transform into his battle station mode. "I'm curious to know what song was terrifying enough to drive off Soundwave."

"No problemo. Need somethin' t'test the comms with anyway." Jazz connected his sound system to Metroplex's communication systems.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
I'm busy!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…

So it was that when Megatron finally called off his troops and retreated, and the Autobots made their way back into the City, they were surprised to hear loud and catchy dance music coming from the main control room. Optimus Prime, the officers and a few curious onlookers rushed in to see what was going on.

They found Jazz half-slumped in a chair, his back to the door and bopping along to the beat and looking no worse for wear. Why he was there and playing music at audio-splitting volume, no one knew. Prime walked in and nudged the back of the chair.

Can call all you want, but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
'Cos I'm out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bub,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

Jazz looked up and smiled, lowering the volume of the music as he did so. "Hiya Prime. Battle go well?"

"Very well." Prime was giving him THAT look. "I thought I made it quite clear that music was not to be played in the Command Center." He noted that Jazz made no move to stand and quirked an optic ridge.

Ratchet pushed past Prowl. "And I thought I made it perfectly clear you were to stay in your room and rest that leg!"

"Uh yeah, about that." Jazz's smile turned sheepish.

He pushed the chair back and stood, using his left leg. The others saw a small puddle of energon on the floor and traced it back to the trickle that was slowly running down the saboteur's leg. Jazz cringed at the look of horror on Ratchet's face, even as he started to limp over to the medic.

"I'm afraid it's all my fault, Optimus Prime," Metroplex's voice sounded around them. "I asked him to play me the song. I wanted to hear what could have possibly made Soundwave retreat so quickly."

All heads then snapped back to Jazz.

"Soundwave was in here?" Prowl asked as the saboteur stopped near him.

Jazz opened his mouth to answer, then paused and frowned slightly right before his visor went dark and he collapsed. Prowl caught him before he hit the floor.

"Jazz! Ratchet, help!"

Ratchet cursed and moved to check on the unconscious mech, running scans over him before stepping back with a little smile. "Get him to medbay, Prowl, will you please? And ask First Aid to start him on an energon drip."

"Yes Ratchet." Prowl gently picked up the saboteur and carried him out.

"He'll be fine, Prime," Ratchet assured. "He's just severely under-energized. Probably lost energon from the knee-wound, and coupled with him being pulled out of recharge, and whatever went down in here – which I want to hear about, by the way, Metroplex – he's just low on fuel and exhausted."

"And what does the song have to do with it?" Prime asked. "Though I have to admit, it does tend to stick in your head."

"Oh you don't know the half of it," Metroplex chuckled and launched into the tale of what had taken place within his walls while the rest of the Autobots had been busy fighting the Decepticons outside.

Can call all you want, but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
'Cos I'm out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bub,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

When Jazz finally regained consciousness it was morning, and he awoke to find Prowl sitting beside his berth looking a little worried. The expression changed however when the saboteur's visor lit up with a soft glow and he heard the sound of systems start to power up.

"Good morning, Jazz."

"Hey Prowl. Wow… that was one heck of a night." Jazz sat up slowly. "Is 'Plex okay?"

Prowl tilted his head. "You mean the viruses you used on Metroplex so you could get out of your room, the broken elevator doors, and the access panel you shot out with your rifle?"

Jazz cringed. "Yeah… those… Is he alright?"

"Relax Jazz." Prowl smiled that little smile of his. "He's going to be fine; the virus has already been isolated and cleaned, and the damage is minor and being fixed… and no charges are going to be pressed against you. I believed you saved us all last night. It was very brave of you, going up against Soundwave alone."

The saboteur examined the fresh repair on his knee in the meantime. "That's good t'hear." He smiled. "And I don't think we'll be hearin' from Soundwave for a while."

"Yes, I hear you managed to fight off his telepathic attack. However I worry he may have already downloaded some of our sensitive information before you got to him."

"Oh I wouldn't worry about that either," Jazz said as he accepted the cube of energon Prowl passed him.

"No? What did you do?" Prowl looked genuinely curious.

"Just gave him a cold." The Porsche smiled deviously and told Prowl about the virus. "He's gonna get a nasty surprise when they try to access what they think is our info."

Prowl shook his head and chuckled. "I'm very glad you're on our side, Jazz."

"So am I, Prowl. So am I."

"And thank you for your assistance last night."

"Nah, don't thank me, Prowl." Jazz chuckled. "Thank Gaga."


Can call all you want, but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
'Cos I'm out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bub,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

"Someone turn that blasted music off!" Megatron roared! "What is his malfunction?"

Hook looked up from where he was running scans of Soundwave's processor. "I… well… it appears to be a worm of some sort. He said it triggered when he tried to access the information he stole from the Autobots last night."

"The blasted fool got himself infected with a virus," Starscream said. "I told you we shouldn't have sent him in there alone, but no, you had to have your way and…"

Can call all you want, but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
'Cos I'm out in the club, and I'm sippin' that bub,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

"Silence!" Megatron glared at his Air Commander. "What damage will it do, and can it be fixed?"

Starscream sneered at him. "The virus simply replicates itself once it wipes out the files it comes into contact with. Unfortunately it moves fast so it had already erased all the Autobots' information. Now all we're left with is that song."

"He has what the humans call an 'ear worm'," Hook explained. "Which is basically a song that keeps playing in your head over and over again, in Soundwave's case, literally. I can remove the virus, but it'll take some time. We don't want to risk wiping out his entire memory core."

"Till then, we either shut him down completely or just… enjoy the music." Starscream shrugged.

Frenzy looked at Rumble. "At least it's a cool song."

Rumble nodded. "Wonder if Soundwave'll let us keep it."