Getting up every morning was the worst. Once I was dressed autopilot kicked in. I didn´t allow myself to think, didn´t let any feelings surface. Not anymore. It was too hard and I was too fragile. I still woke up screaming every night.
Two months ago it happened. My world was shattered. My heart broken into a million pieces.
Car accident. I sounded so simple, so ordinary. It was everything but ordinary. My mother was taken from me.
She was heading home one night after seeing a movie with a friend. It was one of those strange foreign movies with subtitles that she loved. I hated them, even more now. She´d been driving without a care in the world. I could see her before me, driving, smiling and singing along with the radio. She was probably longing to get home to Phil, her husband, my stepfather. And then crash bom bang! Some idiot driving drunk on the wrong side of the road smashed into her. Both cars were destroyed and two lives were taken that night. My mother didn´t deserve to loose hers.
From that moment on, I´d been a wreck. A total mess, I couldn´t see the point of living. The sadness was unbearable. I didn't know how I would be able to go on, to continue to live. I couldn't stand dealing with the faces of those around me. Everybody would look at me the same way, they would pity me. I could see they were really sad to see me hurting but at the same time they were happy they weren´t in my position. I was relived it was summer and school was out. It was enough to deal with the few people that came by the house, I wouldn't have been able to deal with all the people from school as well. The only thing keeping me from trying to end it all was my fear of blood, too much of a chicken to even try.
The day of departure was here. It was time for me to move to my dad. I was going to leave Phoenix to go to the rainiest place in the US. I wasn´t sure if I wanted to go. One side of me was very relived to be leaving everything that reminded me of her. The other side didn't want to say goodbye. When I left, that was the final goodbye. The final surrender to the fact that she was really gone forever.
I kept myself together when Phil drove me to the airport. Phil had been nothing but nice to me. He´d said I could stay with him for as long as I wanted. I knew he meant it but at the same time I knew it pained him to have me there, to remind him of her every day. When my dad Charlie asked me at the funeral if I wanted to come stay with him I said yes. I said yes because I knew it would be best, both for Phil and for Charlie, who would be happy to have me in Forks. I didn´t care what was best for me, there wasn´t anything I wanted anymore, nothing brought me joy. I was going to move to Forks and suck it up.
Once boarded on the airplane the feelings came, I cried silently and didn´t care that the other passengers could see me. At least the flight attendant left me alone. The flight was long and time went by slowly. I didn´t read even though I´d always been a book worm, more interested in books than in people. But now I couldn't read, there was always something in the book that would remind me of her and it would hurt too much to continue.
I had to switch planes in Seattle and then Charlie picked me up in Port Angeles. While he loaded my bags into the car I looked around. It had been years since my last visit. As a kid I came here every summer. But growing older I resented Forks and it surrounding so the last three summers Charlie took me on trips to California instead. It was still as green and wet as I had remembered. The sky was gray, promising more rain.
We arrived at Charlie's house about an hour later. The house was small with two bedrooms and one bath. I got settled in what used to be my old room quickly, unpacking didn´t take long since I didn't own much stuff except my clothes. Clothes which weren´t very good for rainy gloomy weather. The room was small and held my bed, a desk with a laptop computer on, a gift from Phil, and an old rocking chair. The walls were light blue and the curtains yellow.
Charlie called me from downstairs and I hurried down to the kitchen.
"Bella, I think we need to do something about your room. I mean, you´re staying in there for at least a year and I think that it would feel more like your home if you had a chance to redecorate it."
Was Charlie really talking about decorating?
"Dad, it's not necessary. I don't need…"
"Yes you do Bella!" he said with a firm voice. "I will leave some money in the jar here and then tomorrow you can go to some shops in Port Angeles"
I knew better than to argue. I knew he wanted to be nice and if I acted as if I cared about the room I stayed in it would please him. It would make him feel like we had a chance to have a normal family life. If that was what he wanted, then I could act along.
"That's…great dad. But, I really don't want you to drive me around to shops in your cruiser"
Charlie is a cop and riding around in his cruiser everywhere wasn´t going to make blending in very easy.
He grinned at me.
"I wasn´t going to take you in the cruiser. I´ve arranged for someone to come with you. In your new car"
"You bought me a car!"
I was a bit taken by this. I knew Charlie knew I wanted to get my own car. Or rather, I needed a car. I was planning to use some of the money that was left after my mom to this purpose so having Charlie buying the car was a nice surprise.
"Yeah, I know you need one and this one is a bargain. It isn't exactly new but the engine is. It's a stable car. Perfect for you"
"I can pay you ba…"
"No Bella, really. I want to do this for you"
I thanked him and then we went for food. In the excitement over the car I had forgot about the other part of Charlie's announcement. Going to Port Angeles. And someone was going with me.
"So, who's coming with me tomorrow?" I asked.
"Well, the former owner of the car offered" Charlie answered. "He said it's a bit tricky the first time 'til you get to know it so I asked him to go with you."
I eyed him suspiciously.
"You´re sending me off with some stranger?"
"No, no stranger. It´s an old friend of yours actually, Jacob Black"