A/N: This is something extremely silly that I promised to write, based on an off topic conversation over on, you guessed it, The Giant in the Playground Crack Pairings Thread. Anyway, the point of this story was to find a way to ship Badger!V/Asswere/Were-donkey. As I'm sure you can imagine, the result is rather ridiculous, but hopefully, you'll enjoy it.
Disclaimer: The Order of the Stick belongs to Rich Burlew aka The Giant. I am not him.
Vaarsuvius stepped out of the tent. The gate still needed to be found and as an elf, Vaarsuvius needed less rest than the others. As long as Vaarsuvius was restricted to light activity for eight hours, it would still be possible to prepare spells. "Polymorph!" said Vaarsuvius, returning to the now familiar form of a badger. It was the first night of the full moon and a pair of eyes were watching the badger with interest.
Once Vaarsuvius had reached a fair distance from the tent, the creature to whom the eyes belonged, caught up to Vaarsuvius. It appeared to be an anthropomorphized donkey. "It has been a while since I've met another lycanthrope." it said. Vaarsuvius was about to reply that "therianthrope" was a more accurate description when it became obvious that speaking in badger form was impossible, the were-donkey believed that Vaarsuvius was a were-badger and seeing as though a successful knowledge (nature) check revealed that were-donkeys were Lawful Evil, antagonizing this individual may not be very wise. "No need to speak." said the were-donkey, "Just come back to my lair and let's spend this night in animalistic passion. We've got the moon as an excuse and I saw that your elf form is pretty hot too."
Vaarsuvius considered the options available. This individual was probably had a high CR in order to be considered an appropriate encounter and to manage to sneak up unnoticed. Vaarsuvius hadn't spent any time buffing before heading out. They were in close-combat range where the were-donkey would have the advantage and were spells would provoke attacks of opportunity. Even shifting forms may cause the were-donkey to gain further advantage. For now, he wasn't hostile and the marriage to Inkyrius was no longer an issue. Maybe it would be a good idea to try and make the best of the situation. After all the were-donkey had some admirable musculature. Vaarsuvius nodded.
Vaarsuvius lay in the were-donkey's bed. He had since returned to human form. It had been an enjoyable night, but it was time to return to the rest of the Order. It would not be good if Sir Greenhilt or Miss Starshine began to worry.
Back at the tent, Roy was already tying to organize search parties. "V!" he cried, "Were have you been?"
"I wished to continue searching during the night. I then became rather preoccupied and was unable to return until now." answered Vaarsuvius. "However, I am safe."
"Good." replied Roy, "We don't need to spend another few months trying to resurrect a party member."
That night, Vaarsuvius remained more alert than normal. Blackwing was there for the benefit of the Alertness feat. Soon enough, Vaarsuvius' keen elven ears passed the listen check required to detect movement outside. "You aren't seriously thinking of going back are you?" asked Blackwing.
"I cannot simply allow him in here." answered Vaarsuvius, "This is the more favorable option." Vaarsuvius peered out of the tent and sure enough, a somewhat anthropomorphic-looking donkey was waiting. Vaarsuvius knew that if the were-donkey had seen the change to badger form, then he would easily be able to track them. "It appears that your enjoyment of last night resulted in you requiring a request for more." said Vaarsuvius. For some reason, he appeared rather confused. Vaarsuvius wasn't really the type for flirting. Therefore Vaarsuvius decided to try the direct approach and dropped the red wizard robes from the elven shoulders that were holding them up. Vaarsuvius then said "Polymorph!" and returned to badger form before walking out towards the donkey whom appeared to get the message reasonably quickly.
While they were busy, however, another donkey that appeared to be anthropomorphized run up to them. "I can't believe that you're cheating on me with an…asswere!" he yelled and shuddered. He turned to the asswere and said, "Prepare to die, traitorous scum!" The asswere got up and replied, "The only one dying today will be you, vile creep!"
"And you!" said the were-donkey, turning to Vaarsuvius, "Give me a reason why I shouldn't kill you for tainting my honor by sleeping with my natural enemy!" Vaarsuvius had a negative charisma modifier and no ranks in diplomacy, however, there was always a chance of rolling high and remaining silent was probably not a good idea. Vaarsuvius returned to elf form and said, "This appears to be the result of a misunderstanding. I assumed that the asswere was you and he merely reacted positively to my advances. He had no method of realizing that I was already your mate." The were-donkey appeared to calm down slightly. "Very well, then this battle is just between the asswere and myself."
"Why is that necessary?" asked Vaarsuvius.
"Our species are natural enemies." answered the were-donkey.
"That reasoning is ridiculous." replied Vaarsuvius, "There are far superior activities that we could be engaged in than battle." The would-be combatants looked at Vaarsuvius with curiosity and then smiled.
A/N: As I said, rather ridiculous, but there we go.