Maes rolled his eyes as he entered the office, the familiar sound of Roy and Ed shouting at the top of their lungs meeting his ears for the second day in a row. He coughed to interrupt since neither one of them had heard him come in. They both looked up, blinking guiltily. "You know something, you two? You do this so often, you might as well make a contest out of it."

"A contest?" Ed had paused in the middle of his quest to climb up on top of Roy's desk and strangle him.

"Yes, a contest. You know, an insult contest. You could start with the beginning of the alphabet and work your way down." Maes rolled his eyes once again. He was being sarcastic, of course…

"I don't know why you all think I have time for this kind of childish nonsen- " Roy began, but Ed cut him off.

"Sounds like a great idea! I go first. Asshole."

"Edward, honestly – " Roy looked to Maes for help, but Maes only shook his head and folded his arms, figuring he might as well enjoy the show.

"What, can't keep up with me, Bas-"

"Bean sprout!"




"Little fucker."

"'Little' begins with 'L', retard!"

"I just wanted to hear you say little, Fucker." Roy smirked at Maes. "I should get an extra point for that, are you keeping track?"

"Giant pain in my ass!"



"Ichthyosaur?" Roy stared at Ed incredulously.

"It's a prehistoric marine reptile –"

"I know what it is –"

"-with an ugly face and a big snout who pushed all the other sea creatures around. Hence, you."

"That's the dorkiest insult I ever heard."

"Why don't you shut up and quit stalling?"

"I'm not stalling. Jackass."



"Mustela kathiah!"


"Yellow-bellied weasel. And that means when you get 'W' you can't say weasel again, cuz I already used it."

"I wont get 'W', you will."

"We'll see about that, Numbnuts."

"Hey, you just cheated!"

"Still too fast for you, Old m-"



"You used that twice. You already said 'Giant pain in my ass' for 'G'."


"It's still against the rules. Maes, are you taking notes?" Maes was currently perched on Roy's desk, grinning hugely.


"Drama Queen."

"Drama begins with 'D'!"

"And Queen begins with 'Q'."

"That's still bullshit!"

"Would you prefer, 'Quarter the size of the average human being?'"

"Shove it, Rat bastard!"

"Oh… that brings us to 'S', doesn't it?" Roy paused theatrically, pretending to think.

"Yeah, 'S' for 'Stalling'…"

"Let me see, let me see… what kind of an insult could I possibly call Edward that begins with the letter 'S'. Hmm…"

"Just spit it out, you stupid bastard!"

"Well, now, 'height challenged' doesn't begin with 'S'…"

"Goddamn it, if you take too long, you lose!"

"Miniscule, no, that's another 'M'…"

"You are such a fucking prick, I can't believe I'm even playing this with you."

"Tiny is close, could we skip to 'T'?"











"Yellow bellied sap sucker!"

"Still short. And you already called me a yellow-bellied weasel."

"Zannichelliaceae palustris! HA! I win!"

"Zani-what? Is that another weasel?"

"Zannichelliaceae palustris. Horned pond-weed. It stinks, and it gets all over your boots when you go the lake to take samples. It's irritating and drives me batshit crazy. Hence, you. And I win!"

"No, I believe I win."

"WHAT? That's fucking crap! I did the last seven letters of the alphabet!"

"But my goal wasn't to get to the end of the alphabet; it was to make you so mad that your face turned red. And look! Red as a fire engine. I win!"

"I hate you!"

"I'm well aware of that fact. Now then, Maes, didn't you have some important business for us to take care of?"

"Oh yes!" Maes hurried over to Roy, still beaming. "Elicia got a new bright yellow Easter dress with the cutest little bonnet to go with it, and I have a whole roll of new pictures!" He opened up his wallet to unroll a seemingly endless string of bright yellow cuteness. "Ed, since you won the contest after all, you may have the first pick of all the lovely Elicias! Wait, where are you going? Don't you want your prize?"

"Ha ha, see you, pond-weed bastard!" He slammed the door on his way out.

Roy put his hand over his face. "You did that on purpose, didn't you."

Maes only widened his smile and proffered his adorable daughter in response. Someone has to keep the two of you in line, after all.