We were so close to each other. I could feel his warm breath on my face. I wanted more than anything to lean in that last inch, to remember what the feel of his lips would be on mine, how it would feel to be close to him again. But as I started to lean, my eyes opened and I jerked back from his touch, sinking into the opposite side of the bed, bringing my knees up to my chest. His eyes flashed with hurt which automatically made me feel terrible.
"I'm so sorry James. I'm trying, I really am." I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I had moved back in with James the day after Jo's funeral, and it had been almost three weeks. I was still sleeping in a separate room but I was slowly beginning to be back to myself again after the horrible imprisonment that I had gone through. James had been beyond patient, taking care of me on the good days and the bad. I occasionally would still wake up screaming after a terrible nightmare based on my time spent in the cell, but those nights were decreasing as the time went on.
"No, Lily, it's alright. I know you're trying and we will get there, together." His large hazel eyes stared back at me and I felt even worse about myself. Here was this beautiful, sweet, guy who loved me, more than anything, and I couldn't even kiss him. It's not like I didn't want to kiss him, I wanted to more than anything. It's just that every time I tried, I kept picturing what the James impersonator had done to me over and over, and I would have to pull away. "Petunia's wedding is in two days. Have you spoken to her more about it? Like if we are all invited?" he continued.
"Yeah I have." I said, relieved for the subject change. "She said the more the merrier. I'm not sure how long this friendship between the two of us is going to last, but to be honest, I'm really happy that we are speaking again. I've missed how we used to be so much."
"Well who do you think should all come?" he asked, taking my hand and stroking it gently with is thumb.
"We should probably keep it small, just in case. How about Sirius and Emma come along as well? Since they're getting along so well." I said smiling. Emma had filled me in about what had transpired between her and Sirius and I was shocked that he had actually told her he loved her.
"Alright, I'll mirror him later tonight. Are you tired? You should probably get some sleep."
"I feel like sleep is all that I've been doing lately." I said frowning, yawning despite of my words.
"Yes well, you know what Dumbledore said. Sleep heals the mind and body or whatnot." He said with a smile.
"James?" I said hesitantly.
"You know I am trying right? And that I do love you, I just need a little more time? I promise we will get there, and soon." I said this quietly, not looking him in the eye.
"Lily, of course I know that. And you know that I love you more than anything else in this world." He leaned up and kissed my forehead, and I closed my eyes at the contact. That kiss I could deal with, because it was sweet and innocent and it didn't make me feel like I was still in the cell. "I was thinking tomorrow maybe we could go visit our parents? Make a day trip out of it? I know that seems depressing but you haven't spoken to them since it happened and I'm sure they'd love to hear about you and Petunia becoming sisters again. And of course I miss mine as well."
"I think that sounds like a great idea. Wanna tuck me into bed?" I grinned and he laughed, scooping me up in his arms, honeymoon style.
"Of course m'lady." he mocked and I giggled. He carried me out of his room and down the hall, to the door right next to his which he pushed open gently with his foot before setting me down on the bed. I crawled underneath the covers as he sat down on the side of the bed next to me. I lifted myself up so we were looking at each other face to face.
"I love you James Potter." I said.
"As I love you Lily Evans." he said, but before he could go I grabbed his hand to stop him. I leaned in to him, closing my eyes and kissed the very corner of his mouth, not right where either of us truly wanted, but as close as I could get. He sucked in a breath at this and I realized that he missed the contact between us just as much as I did. "I'll see you in the morning, love." and he got up and left the room after extinguishing the light. As I closed my eyes, I brought up my fingertips to my lips, where I could still feel the softness of his skin, and I smiled, finally starting to think that it might get better.
The Next Day
Breakfast was a quick affair, the both of us using magic to whip up eggs and toast. We had decided to visit James' parents first, as they were buried in the cemetery near our home anyway.
After we had apparated to the entrance of the graveyard, I took his hand. "We should visit more often. It's not like it's far, and they deserve it." I said quietly.
"You're right, love. I still miss them so much." We located their headstones quickly and sat down near the gravestones.
"Do you need to say anything?" I asked gently, not wanting to disrupt the peaceful quiet that had overtaken our surroundings.
"Nah. It's enough to just be here with them you know?" he said, and I nodded in agreement. We sat contently for about five minutes before James interrupted the silence. "Hey Lil?"
"Yes, James?" I responded.
"I know that we talked about it once, when we had just started dating and that it was more of a kicks and giggles thing, but eventually, do you want kids?" he asked, staring at me intently.
I hesitated before answering. "I'm not so sure anymore James. As much as I would love to have your child, and I really would you have to believe that, this isn't the sort of world I want to bring a child into. Constant war, not knowing if we could be dead within a year. I wouldn't ever want my child growing up without parents you know?"
He thought for a second before responding. "I understand that, but can you even imagine? A little mix of us running around the place causing mischief." he smiled at that and I had to smile as well. "If it's a girl, she'll be beautiful. She'll look just like you I bet." He trailed off in wonder, still smiling. "Imagine that."
"Well hopefully it'll be a girl then because we definitely don't need another stud like you around Hogwarts. Who knows what our son would get himself into." I said smiling. I looked to him to make a snarky remark but he was silent but for a grin on his face. "What are you thinking?" I asked.
"Just how great that sounded. 'Our son.' That sounds so perfect." he said. And I had to hand it to him, it kind of did.
"What would you want to name him?" I asked, enjoying this conversation greatly.
James considered for a moment. "Patrick?" he asked smiling.
"No." I said at once with a laugh. "Not that it's a bad name, but I can't see that at all. Keep trying though, we'll get there eventually."
"Well how about first we start off with something a little more simple than a kid?" he asked, grinning suspiciously.
"What do you mean?" I asked confused, but before he could respond he had taken my hand and spun around, and the cemetery vanished before my eyes.
After catching my breath I looked around to see we were in a small muggle town and that James had me by the hand and was leading me into a pet shop.
"A pet!?" I exclaimed. "Are you crazy? We can barely take care of ourselves? I thought we meant babies in the far future!"
He laughed at me. "Well we have to practice on something don't we?"
"I guess." I said hesitantly which made him laugh again. We spent the next half an hour walking through the large pet shop trying to decide what to buy when we got to the kitten section. And that was when I saw the cutest little kitten. "James, this is it, for sure." It was a small black cat with a patch of white on its' forehead.
"What's on his forehead?" James asked, picking it up out of the litter. The little kitty snuggled into James hand. "It looks sort of like a lightning bolt. How peculiar."
"He's adorable." I said. "Can we get him?" I asked hopefully.
I could see James petting the cat and the cat purred. "Looks like I can't say no to either of you." He sighed but then laughed. "Sure, but I get to pick the name."
"Deal." I said, and just like that, we had a cat.
James decided to name the little cat Felix and when we brought it home we had a great time watching it run around on it's short little legs exploring the house. We had also gotten the necessary things to take care of it at the store, and we entertained the cat and ourselves by watching it play with its new toys. We sat down on the couch and Felix followed us, rubbing up against our legs before settling down on James' feet.
"He's adorable." I said, lovingly, bending down to pet him. "Thank you James."
"Of course Lily, anything for you." and he picked up my hand, bringing it to his lips before gently kissing it and setting it back down.
In that moment, I knew that it was time. I leaned over slowly and hesitantly, looking in his eyes before looking to his lips. About three inches away I stopped, suddenly nervous. He was staying very still, just looking at me, now wanting to scare me or disturb me. I leaned in a little further, until our lips were almost touching. "I love you." I whispered. And then I closed the distance between us. At first, I tried to just graze his lips, but the feel of his lips against mine brought back so many good memories that my intentions went up in smoke. My hands went up to his face, cradling it, before reaching up to comb through is hair. He responded with a gasp and copied me, cradling my face in his hands. And then I realized that this had been what I needed, what he needed, what we needed together.
I moved until I was laying down on the couch, never breaking contact with his lips, and he gently set himself on top of me. He was being too gentle though, barely in contact with me so I pulled his body down on top of mine, feeling the warmth of his skin. I finally had what I wanted, every inch of his body pressed against mine. As he kissed me, he gently started tugging on my bottom lip with his teeth, asking me to open up to him and I responded, opening my mouth so I could finally taste him. As our tongues joined together I could taste him, and our tongues battled for dominance for a few minutes, but it still wasn't enough. My hands worked their way to the hem of his shirt, and I tugged on it, pulling it over his head. We broke apart so the shirt could come off completely but before I could bring his lips back to mine, he stopped me.
Breathing heavily he said, "Lils, are you sure you're up to this? I don't want to go to fast. I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with."
"James, trust me, this is what I needed. You're what I needed. Now please, kiss me." I responded, stroking my hands up and down his chest.
"A-are you sure? Cause Lil, I don't want you to get bad again. I won't let it be my fault." He bit his lip, and it was so adorable I just had to smile.
"I'm sure, and I won't. You don't know how much I've missed this." And with that, I brought his lips down to mine and there was no more need for words.
My hands roamed up and down his chest, feeling the hard muscles from years of quiddich training. His skin was radiating heat, making me feel warm for the first time in ages. His hands were underneath me, exploring my back when they got to the hem of my shirt and I lifted my arms to let him take it off, which he did, leaving me in just a simple black bra. It still made me very happy to hear his gasp. He leaned down, trailing kisses down my neck before stopping in the perfect spot on my collarbone. I lifted my chin to give him more room and gasped in pleasure of the sensation he was giving me.
It was then that I decided to do something reckless, before our luck ran out and I couldn't continue. I pushed him off of me and before he could get his feelings hurt I straddled his chest so he was the one lying on the couch, with me on top of him. I placed my hands above his head, on the edge of the couch, and bent down, kissing him deeply. When we separated to breathe I bent down and gently began sucking on his neck. He gasped audibly as I continued kissing and sucking his neck and chest, slowly making my way down past his belly button, where his pants started. My hands were on his chest at this point, his in my hair, when I slowly moved my hands down, starting to undo the buckle of his jeans. I could feel him grow hard underneath me, and I managed to slip his pants off of him before leaning back up to kiss him on his mouth. He flipped me back over quickly but gently so he was on top of me once more. I opened my eyes to look up at him and I couldn't help but gasp at the size of him pressed against me. He started kissing my neck as his hands slowly made their way to the button of my skirt which he unbuttoned expertly before sliding them down my legs. Now just in our underclothes we began to explore each other with our hands, craving the touch of the other that we had missed for so long. Because we were meant for each other. He was mine and I was his. And there was nothing that could separate us again.