52 Things You Don't Know About Bill Compton

Summary: Eric makes Bill a list! Sequel to the "Things You Don't Know About Eric Northman, "Pam Ravenscroft" "Sookie Stackhouse" "Sam Merlotte" "Jason Stackhouse" and "Lafayette Ryenolds"

Rating: T for language and suggestion

Author: wicked18writer

Spoilers: Books up to 6 I guess.

A/N: Alright I swear this is the last one! So REVIEW!

Also BEWARE BILL BASHING, all done in good fun, cause I like Bill when he's not screwing up Eric and Sookie's relationship

Memo: 52 Things You Don't Know About Bill Compton

CC: ALL FANGTASIA STAFF

Every member of the Fangtasia staff MUST read this list regarding Bill Compton as he feels left out of our jovial list making.

From: Eric Northman

Begin each sentence on the list with 'Bill':

1 Likes to get bikini waxes just for fun…

2 …Cause he's a masochist…

3 …Which is why he's even thinking of competing with me (Eric Northman) for the affection of one, Sookie Stackhouse

4 Would make an excellent beet farmer, perhaps he should move and plant some crops and grow himself a life

5 Makes a truly, truly, hideous drag queen

6 Thinks playing the mandolin is sexy…to borrow an overused colloquiums 'WTF', who thinks the mandolin is sexy?

7 Is like a less funny, less sexy, less endearing, less coordinated, less sexually appealing, less intelligent, less honorable, less admirable version of a dying manatee

8 Smells like rancid rotting fish and wears stupid shoes and fugly kakis

9 Once had a non-speaking role as an extra on "Little House on the Prairie" and is very proud of this fact and will make you watch the tape of the episode a hundred times before you leave his house, so don't go home with Bill

10 Speaks Kling-On and thinks that Captain Kirk is badass…

11 …Thinks Captain Picard wasn't as good cause he was all stuffy and British

12 Fancies himself an accomplished poet, but is in fact, only one par with the least witty hallmark card greetings

13 Finds Jason Stackhouse a stupid red-necked liability who's going to get Sookie killed one day…

14 …Finds Sam Merlotte irritatingly perceptive and the only true rival to a vampire lover such as me (Eric) in the eyes of Sookie Stackhouse…

15 …Finds Pam Ravenscroft bitchy, but in a good way…

16 …Finds me (Eric Northman) completely superior in every conceivable way

17 Fails to perform athletically, politically, physically, intelligently, strategically, or as sexually well as me (Eric)

18 Has to been to 57 Madonna concerts

19 Loves to watch Jersey Shore…

20 …As a result of all day marathon event, he tried to spray tan himself orange…

21 …And ended up looking like an Umpa Lumpa

22 Actually likes how the vampires in the Twilight series sparkle…cause you know he's gay like that

23 Likes to say 'tickle your fancy' and 'cotton to' and 'dang gummite'

24 Is a dolphin, which we all know is just a gay shark

25 Has written several self-help books such as, "Bitches Be Crazy, So Why Not Sleep With Men?" and "Clothes Are Not Necessary, Why We Should Feel Free To Be You & Me, Naked" and "Masturbation Isn't A Sin, So Don't Feel Bad, Orgies On The Other Hand…"

26 Should have to sing 'It Feels Good To Be A Gangster' by the Ghetto Boys from the sound track of 'Office Space', every time he enters Fangtasia, just so we can all laugh at the irony

27 Falls under the category of mineral when playing 20 questions

28 Is not cool, has never been cool, and will sadly never ever ever ever be cool, he is completely lame

29 Has a favorite pirate, his name is Calico Jack, he hooked up with Anne Bonnie and Mary Reed…

30 …As a result of his obsession with Calico Jack, he got a pet calico cat…

31 …That only has one eye and needs to wear a tiny little eye patch…

32 …The cats name is Patches, very original Bill

33 Is addicted to 'Days of Our Lives' and he also watched every single episode of the late soap opera 'Passions'…

34 …He often laments the fate that befell the magical doll Little Timmy

35 Is not a better fighter than me (Eric), Pam, Sookie, Jason, Lafayette, Tara, Sam, Andy or Terry or Portia Bellfleur, Ginger the waitress, or Sookie's late cat Tina

36 Has been asked if he is related to Colin Firth…

37 …And Mr. Rogers…

38 …And Elton John…

39 …And Dick Cheney

40 Runs like a he has a Canadian goose in his pants, you know one of those ones that hiss and honk and bite and shit like crazy

41 Reminds me (Eric) of Clocksworth from the Disney movie 'Beauty and the Beast'

42 Looks like a female peacock, no flare, dull plumage, and severely inadequate when compared to his vibrant male counterparts, like me (Eric)

43 Would not be equated with the Scarecrow if our lives were a 'Wizard of Oz' metaphor…

44 …No, I, Eric Northman would be the Scarecrow…

45 …Sookie would of course be Dorothy…

46 …Pam would be the Tin Man…

47 …Sam would be the Cowardly Lion…

48 …Claudine would be Glinda the Good Witch of the North...

49 …Debbie Pelt would be the Wicked Witch of the West…

50 …And Bill, Bill would be her flying monkey minion

51 Will never have a icon on the internet with the label HBIC on it

52 Is a complete and total waste of Sookie Stackhouse's time and energy, and Bill knows it!

5-4-3-2-1

A/N: OKAY! So now I'm officially done with these lists.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS OR MY OTHER LISTS IN ANY WAY please review. It really does make a difference in my sad little world.

Pretty Please?

Also you could go to my profile page and vote on my poll if you wanted, you know if your like really really bored.