"...One thing: This is made in Spenceys POV. Pleaz R&R!"
Morgan watched me from the table that my team sat at as they ate their dinners. I had left there just seconds ago, waiting for the word to make sense again. I knew I would be waiting a while,though, especially after a case like they had just finished.
Tween boys were being abducted and sold for parts- literally. The UnSub murdered the children with his pocket knife before he tore their body parts off until they were just a pile of body parts. He would sell the parts on the black market for top price before he would start the cycle again.
The BAU was just a minute too late to save the last child. When they found their UnSub, he was in the midst of killing the child. At least he wasn't sold...
I was the one who had found the UnSub; I was too late. If I had been there just seconds sooner, that little boy would still be alive. Morgan told me there was nothing I could do, but he knew better than to think I would believe him. When it came to certain things, I could be as stubborn as my mother was when she was having one of her episodes.
So here I was; laying on the bathroom floor of a meaningless restaurant.
"Reid, are you in here?" a familiar voice asked.
"Here." I mumbled back. Seconds later, Hotch opened the stool with his cell phone in his hand.
"Why?" I droned accusingly.
"Because you're miserable, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon." Hotch answered emotionless. I made a mental note to ask him how he did that inn these situations. "I'll drive if you want." I just shook his head no.
"That's okay; I'll drive myself." I finally said. Hotch nodded and extended his hand to me, which I gladly took. "Get some sleep." With that, I walked back to my car...
I had been home a full five minutes before my apartment door rang. "Just a minute." I shouted as I threw off my shoes and tie. Before answering the door, I sighed in attempt to calm my nerves.
'Nope, still not calm...'
"Hey Reid." Hotch greeted, still as emotionless as before.
"Hey." I said back weakly, never meeting his eyes. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh, you left your cell phone at the bar." Hotch answered- extending the cell phone toward me. I took with with a smile, forced, of course.
"Come in." I said, knowing that if it was just the cell phone he'd give it to me tomorrow morning at work.
"You seemed upset after the case." Hotch started as he sat down.
'No duh.' I thought to myself. But instead, I said, "We all were; it's always hard when it's a kid who goes." Hotch just nodded his head, trying to think of a new way to start the conversation.
"I just...I noticed you took it the hardest." Hotch commented. I had had enough at that point; he had no right to invade my apartment and profile me. I was a grown man; I could deal with things on my own. As if sensing that I was about to make a sarcastic remark that would most likely get me into loads of trouble if I had said it during office hours, Hotch continued. "Cut the crap, Reid. I know that this case has really gotten to you and it's starting to affect you. Now, I know that you think you need to prove that you can handle this on your own, but we both know the truth is that you need help. Now, even if I have to pull the information out of you, I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
"Why do you care so much?" I snapped back.
"Because I don't want what happened to Elle to happen with you; you're more valuable than Elle was, of course, but that's besides the point. The BAU and Strauss may only be concerned with your intelligence, but I'm more concerned with you."
I knew that I couldn't tell him what I was feeling. I knew that he didn't actually care, either. I had everything under control; everything was fine. I knew that I wasn't falling into parts- just like the victims had- rather I was rebuilding myself. I had to feel the things I was to move on; I needed to get the feelings out so I could come back stronger.
"Reid, you're staring off again." Hotch said, getting annoyed.
"I'm just going through some things that I've experienced- clearing thins out, you may say. I...I just want to get some feelings out that I've kept in for a while now." I said in a rush of words.
"Like what? What are you feeling?" Hotch asked, almost as fast as I had.
"To be honest,, I'm not exactly sure. So many things have happened in the last few years, and I jut keep on thinking that the only way I will move on is if I clear out my mind- get rid of the parts that I don't need anymore...Like old memories and old cases and...and..." But I just didn't know what to say. What was I trying to do, anyway?
Hotch started saying more things to me, but I blanked him out after that. The question was really bugging me now; what exactly was I trying to do? What was I trying to accomplish by going through old memories and old pains when I knew that I could never forget them? I damned my eidetic memory as Hotch put his hand on my shoulder.
"Reid, you're in your late twenties; we all deal with it what you're going through at about your age. It's a lot easier to get through with someone to help, though." Hotch gently advised.
"My god! Everyone does the same thing!" I exclaimed, standing up in my frustration. "I don't know anything about these things you can't learn in books! I don't know how to flirt, I don't know how to cook, I don't know how to talk with someone without going completely over their heads, I don't know anything related with pop culture..." But Hotch cut me off at that point. Good for him, I thought. I was beginning to annoy myself.
"Reid, calm down. I was referring to an identity crisis."
"What do you mean?" I asked, finally sitting down again.
"The hair cut, the somewhat change in clothes, the way you've been handling some cases, even the most simple things- like what color ink you use when you write your case files." Hotch explained.
"Wait- you noticed all of those? I haven't even noticed them..." By this point I was confused. All things considered, the statement was pretty ironic...
"Spencer, you're the youngest person on the team; you're surrounded by older people who all went through the same thing. You want to change things about you, that's the whole point of an identity crisis but eventually you'll realize that you can't..." I had to stop him there; I had heard enough.
"Hotch, I have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, and the ability to read 20,000 words per minute. Do you honestly think that I don't already know that I can't change who I am? Do you think I want to change that? You have no idea what's happening with me, and I don't want you to know. It won't affect my job." I think that deep down we both knew those two final statements were false; I wanted him to know, and it would affect my work.
"Please Spencer, just talk to me; I don't want to lose you like Elle, or Gideon, or Haley..."
And then the truth comes out.
I couldn't take this conversation anymore; I didn't know what he was getting at, and I didn't know what it was actually about anymore. When he first started it, I was worried that Hotch had somehow found the pill bottle in my bag, but now I was worried that this was about him being lonely...
And him thinking I could fix that.
No, I couldn't take the situation anymore.
Sensing my uneasiness, Hotch scooted closer to me. "Spencer, just listen to me." he reached out to touch my cheek, but I pulled away. I was even more uncomfortable with the situation.
"No!" I quickly jumped off the couch and left the room. I couldn't take it anymore. I could hear footsteps following me as I slammed the bathroom door shut. I locked it and pressed my back against the door.
"Spencer! Open the door!" he shouted. I brushed away my tears, keeping quiet. "You know I can kick down the door." he warned. I curled up in myself, knowing he was right. "5...4...3...2...1..." With that, the door was kicked in, along with myself. I rubbed my stomach- which had also been kicked with the door- and scooted away from the the entrance. He grabbed my arm as I screamed for him to go away, but he said that he wouldn't.
"Please...don't hurt me!" I whispered through tears. I was just so sick of being hurt...
"Hurt you? Spencer, I would never hurt you." As soon as the words were spoken, Hotch let go of my arm. When I was free, I wrapped my arms around myself again and cried uncontrollably.
"Please don't hurt me..." I sobbed repeatedly. "Don't hurt me..."
"Spencer, it's okay; I won't hurt you." Hotch shushed. He approached me and wrapped his arms around my stomach, where he could tell was hurt in the process of kicking down the door. I silently whimpered as he held me closer to him, fearing the worst.
"Hey, you know I won't hurt you." he soothed. "Let's get you to your bed, okay?" I just nodded, still irrationally afraid that he was going to hurt me.
He took his hands from my stomach and put them around my waist- helping me keep my balance as we walked. Once he got me to my room, I wrapped my large blanket around myself. He didn't leave, though, which was starting to worry me.
"What did you think I was going to do?" he asked softly. I didn't answer. "Spencer, what did you think I was going to do to you? Don't you know that I would never hurt you?" I tried to hush my tears at this point, but I had a feeling he could still hear me. "Did you...did you think I was going to rape you?" by this point my tears had grown to the extent that they had been when I was in the bathroom just minutes before now. Judging by my reaction, I think he realized that's exactly what I thought. "No, Spencer." he whispered, near tears himself. 'Why? Why did you think I was going to do that?"
"Because...everyone hurts me." I was hysterical by this point.
Hotch shook his head, approaching me now. He let me rest my head against his chest as I cried out in emotional pain and agony. He shushed me and held me lovingly- playing with my hair all the while.
After a few more minutes all rational thought-processing had shut down in my mind. I couldn't think straight and I didn't know what to do in the situation I was in.
"Take me." I whispered.
"Spencer, no. I said I wouldn't hurt you." Hotch replied, pulling me away so he could see my face. "I'm not going to-" I stopped him.
"Please, hurt me; touch me." I begged.
"Spencer, why are you saying that? You know I won't hurt you, and you know I won't touch you like that." Hotch said, sounding hurt.
"Please, Aaron, just do it. I know you want to; I'll even scream- I'll beg you to stop. I can make it feel just like it..."
"No! I don't want you to feel like I'm raping you, and I won't rape you! I don't know why you are asking this way, but you're scaring me." Hotch refused.
I threw the blanket off of me and approached Hotch. "I know you like being in control. I know you need to blow off some anger..." I kept getting closer to him with each passing minute.
"You're about half my age-"
"Age means nothing in our line of work." I whispered.
"I have a feeling you've never done it before-"
"I haven't, but doesn't that just make it more interesting?"
"I'd tear you in parts." he finished, knowing that would get me. I refused to give in, though. I knew that he just wanted to get to me.
"I want you to. Tear me to pieces, I'm begging you." I practically whined.
Suddenly, Hotch got off the bed and grabbed my waist. He picked me up and carried me to my small living room. He threw me down before leaving the room again- going to the bathroom. Once he came back, he had it in his hands.
"What are you doing with that? It's mine!" I shouted.
"When were you going to tell me you were depressed?" he yelled back, throwing the pills at me. "You don't think that this would affect your work, affect you?"
"I knew it would affect my work! I knew it would affect me! I knew that it would complicate things!" I spat back. I was going to continue, but he cut me off again.
"Why do you need them? Is someone hurting you?" he demanded.
"Of course someone's hurting me! Someone's been hurting me for YEARS! He comes and goes when he pleases and he always leaves a mess behind him! I yell and I scream and I fight back, but it only gets me in more trouble! The harder it is for him to be in control the better! He wants me to scream for help, he wants me to get hurt!" I shouted as loud as I could. I was suddenly glad that most of my neighbors weren't home- all of them visiting family for the up-coming holiday- because I was getting louder and louder by the second.
"Why don't you tell anyone? Why didn't you let me help you?"
"Because you're one of the few people that I still love." I whispered back, finding that all my energy had been erased by the screaming. As I deflated, he sat down next to me, closer that before. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look in his eyes.
"Spencer, I love you too. I know that it hurts, but I'm here to help. That's what people who love each other do. He didn't love you; he just repeatedly hurt you. I'd never hurt you Spencer, I promise." He pulled me closer to his body, petting my hair as he let me nuzzle closer to him. He didn't seem to mind that I was practically on his lap by this point, so I pushed him back onto my couch. Knowing that he wasn't going to hurt me, I laid back on him. He pulled a nearby blanket on top of me, holding me in my insecure emotional state.
I could hear him say something about keeping the nightmares away and not letting him hurt me again, but I couldn't be certain of what was being said.
For the first time in a very long time, I felt that I wasn't being loved in just parts, rather being loved as a whole. As Hotch held me closer in the night hours, I dreamt of nothing...
And right now, nothing was a pure bliss.
"...Im going to tell you RIGHT now, this is only a OneShot. NOT what I expected at all. Hehehe...Never is :) One quick question: Does anyone know if there are any male CM writers on FanFic? Er, that sounded creepy. Hehehe...its just that ive seen tons of female writers, but Ive only found like one guy writer. Just curious... Pleaz R&R!"