Warnings: OCs, possible OoC-ness and cliché-ness, crack pairings.

Disclaimer: I only own Collera (Lera) and Vanità (Vanita/Vann). OCs bios for all my fics are found on my Profile page.

Pairing: Szayel and Collera.

Collera PoV

The halls of Los Noches reminded me of the halls of Hell; silent, plain, and covered in solitude. I walked along one of them, a rather long hallway with large windows looking out the serene dessert landscape. Another meeting we were forced to participate in was recently adjourned. The Shinigami, Soi Fon, and my sister, Vanità were called back and left the human girl, Orihime, and I. The nihilistic Cuarto Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer, escorted the human girl back to her quarters. I, thinking I was invisible, left silently only to wander the halls aimlessly.

The only thing I kept hearing was the sound of my footsteps on the white marble floor. Suddenly, a whistle of wind brushed my ear and a soft static sound echoed. I stopped in my tracks, and turned behind me, with an indifferent look on my face. The Octava Espada, Szayel Aporro Grantz, with a welcoming and yet hostile look on his face appeared behind me.

"Well, what do you want?" I asked monotonously. He replied by widening that smile of his and chuckling lowly; a trademark the lower ranked Arrancars feared.

"We both know you aren't stupid, now answer the question."

He raised a hand to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "A thought has occurred to me," he smirked mischievously causing me to quirk an eyebrow at him, "Are you a man or a woman?"

Surely insanity would've conquered me within a second, but I sighed heavily, "How could such a so-called genius as yourself question the obvious?" I placed a fisted hand on my hip in annoyance.

"Obvious?" He asked a concerned look on his face, "My dear, your chest is flat enough to be called male, but you're voice is high enough to be female, you call that obvious?" He chuckled.

"Obviously, I'm female, and you, honestly, you—" I laughed a bit, "I don't even know what you are,"

His face deadpanned in shock.

"I mean, first time I saw you I thought 'She's a pretty girl' but then your voice ruined my theory." I pointed out at his hair, "And you wear gowns—erm dresses, and you—"

"Hold it! This isn't a dress, it's a lab gown!" He snapped.

"Ahem, I mean, you wear gowns and not dresses, right?" I smirked.

"Technically, it looks like a dress but—"

"I got it!" I raised a finger because I had an idea, more like an applied theory, "A strip down, physical examination!"

"Erm," I swore I saw a pink streak across his face, "Ahem," He coughed and pushed his glasses up his nose, "Have you gone insane?"

"No, of course not! It's not like something we'd surely regret would happen," I placed two fingers on my chin in thought, all the while fighting the rising heat on my face, "Right?"

"Of course, but isn't that a little under-intellectual?" He answered, seemingly mocking me.

"Under-intellectual?" I felt insanity and rage crawl over my face, "What is? My idea?" I tried to ask nicely, but anger dripped from my voice.

"Well, obviously," he flipped his hair back, "You think up something vulgar to conclude your theory? Idiotic, just idiotic." He pointed out.

"You got a better one, Pinky?" I glared at him.

"Well, yes" He strode over, "Would a female do this to you?"

Then, he did the stupidly unthinkable; he grabbed my chin and lapped his lips firmly over mine.

Insanity drained my face and a new, foreign kind of heat quickly replaced it. His lips were cold, as expected, but surprisingly soft. My eyes unconsciously closed shut. A few seconds later, the pressure on my lips were gone, my eyes shot open; he was turning right on another corridor, a very satisfied smirk on his face.

I blinked, one, twice, three times at max until another theory slammed my shocked expression, "Maybe Szayel's a lesbian?" I thought aloud, placing two fingers on my chin in thought.

A few seconds later, I stalked down the hall and followed him to the only place he'd be, his lab.

Strangely, that weird feel of his lips somewhat started to prevent me from uttering another thought.

A/N: FIN, heh, went A LOT cleaner than expected. Oh well, at least now everyone can read this! Read and review and/or request! It's open for all! I accept even the CRACKiest of pairings and OCs!