"Fan Tribute, entitled: Newman's DeaL

"Sooo... how did the four of you get out of jail?"

{Jerry,Elaine, Kramer, and George wound up in jail after refusing to help a citizen, who was being mugged. Thus,breaking the newly enacted "Good Samartian Law" (Episodes #179-180, "The Finale: Parts 1 and 2}

Jerry: "Our conviction was overturned in 2000."

Newman: Sothern reference (Jerry image in a safari hat)

Newman: "Yet, another instance where Lady Justice was left to ponder where she still wakes up in the morning."

Jerry: "So what have you been doing with your time?"

Newman: "Seems as though you actually care?"

Jerry: "Not really."

Newman: "Since you brught it up, and for the sake of plot, I will enduldge your curiosity."

"Light's please".

"In 1999, I started the Wayne Knight Fan Club.

$1000 What Membership includes, member size, Headquaters: Ithica,N.Y. 2 CD Collection: Wayne Knight's "Sprit of the Season" 25 Christmas Classic's (population of Ithica: ? in 2005 he was given the key to the city..lol.

In November of 2001, I began my tenure with the Department of Homeland Security... Officials at the highest level didn't reconize me, even with a fake beard, eye contacts, and with my dropping of 100 pounds with and s Olympic sized work out regime and steady diet protien shakes and fish oil pills. (Books on tape) thick Middle Eastern accent to boot."

Jerry: "You're telling me that they actually bought that? Even with the bad accent." Those were trying times, as you know,and Johnny was looking for one who was a mirror image the enemy to infltrate the largest terror cells. "How do you know my accent was bad?

Jerry: "Well,..

"After serving this great nation for two years, "I was terminated for "pulling rank" on my subordinatees one time too many. They all went to Ashcroft with a signed petition to have me ousted. I was drunk with power,Jerry. Not even a rousing chrous of, "Let the Eagles Soar" could get me back in Johnny's good graces."

Jerry:"That's to bad."

(2003-2004) Mailman for...mauled by dog...workers comp

In 2005, I auditioned for role of "Frank Costello" in "The Departed"

I had the role, for sure, until till Nicholson auditioned. Not not to mention he promised Scorcese Lakers season tickets for the next 5 years. Not to mention box on top of box of orange foam fingers"

Jerry: "Why do people say, "Not to mention, then say whatever they were going to. "Useless expression."

Jerry: "Who doesn't love foam fingers.?"

Newman: "I don't."

{Jerry shakes his head in disbelief}

*Naturally, feeling betrayed, I stole the 25,000 plus collection of Jack's trademark sunglassess. (Fix)

Jerry: "He did make that look all his own."

The years,2007-2008 where spent working on the Barack Obama Campagin,helping in any small way I could." (Details)

Jerry:"Uh,huh.. Could we wrap this, "Years in the Life of",diatribe soon?"

"AH yes, I spent the better part off'09,working on a script

"Sometimes, I feel just like Gerard Butler in "Law Abiding Citizen."

Jerry: "Greard Butler?"

Jerry: "Why are you here? Besides interuppting my show,right here in Spartanburg,South Carolina"

(Crowd cheers)

Newman: "Its all about the deal"

Jerry: "What deal?"

Newman:

The Deal involving a 13 episode sitcom on CBS. I'd call it,"a show about something." The project is tentatively titled,"Wayne Knight's World."

Jerry: "But we're all still getting paid from my show." It's in reruns all over the country."

"It's not about the money this time around Seinfeld..it's about Wayne Knight...A lASTING LEGACY FOR ALL TIME... So future generations can marvel in awe at a chamelieon who has honed his craft into razor sharp perfection. A genius who...

Jerry: "I Got IT AlREADY!

Newman: "Tisk,Tisk.. It will all come together." Especially,

with a stellar cast that includes your's truely as Wayne Cambell.

Also, Adam Sandler's pal, Peter Dante has signed on to play none other than Garth Algar."

{Suddenly, Jerry's imagines Peter doning the "blond rocker wig."}

Coin toss scene)with Norm McDonald, Tim H, and Peter Dante

Jerry: "Who else is a part of this hair brained concoction?"

Newman: Lest I forget "The very leggy Kristen Johnson as Cassandra; Who you may recall played the strong, independent "Sally Solomon", in the colorful peacoks tale about a aliens visiting earth."

Jerry: Yeah.. Who by the way, is now Mrs. Wayne Knight!" As well as, (fix) Patrick Warburton as the fast talking,sports car driving executive, Benjamen."

Jerry: "Puddy's in this too? Damn it!"

Jerry: "Who's playing the role of the Noah's Arcade owner?"

Newman:the gruffy Rip Torn, who called me up looking for work, not long after he walked into that banked drunk (Fiasco)

Newman:..."and I'm throwing in Doris Roberts for good measure."

Jerry: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but good call on selecting Doris. She's great."

Newman: "Finally, something where we see eye to eye. Yes, it will be epic... As Lady Gaga might say: This is all about the Fame Monster."

Jerry: "Sure,sure."

Newman: "There are people at the echelon of nearly every government agency investigating this showdowy mystery of Gaga as we speak"

Jerry: "Don't you think Julia would be better to help you with this?" Fix

Newman:...(pauses)...(Smiles with delight)the Lady Gaga thing?

Jerry:"No! Focus! Would you? Julia is at CBS now."

Newman: "Right...While your suggestion seems logical, it lacks one important component. You."

Jerry: "Right logic, not your strong suit...(he thnks to himself)

Newman: Besides, Elaine is now

Newman's line: her story Married the soup Nazi...Jerry: Kramer got them together...Elanie felt bad about selling his recipies...(remember he went to Argentina) She went on a vacation in Argentina

Did you know Kramer gave suop Nazi a copy of George's Best selling book,Serenity Now:"The Layman's Guide to Dealing with Anger;

Preface by: Coach BOBBY kNIGHT? (Gordon Ramsey reference)

Jerry:"What about Kramer?" I haven't talked to him in a while since Letterman."

Newman: made a fortune in the Cuban cigar racket in the US, retired to the balmy paradise of Orlando Florida (Fix)

Jerry: "Nice.."

Newman: "Did you know Kramer gave suop Nazi a copy of George's Best selling book,Serenity Now:"The Layman's Guide to Dealing with Anger;

Preface by: Coach BOBBY kNIGHT? (Gordon Ramsey reference)

Also,word through the Hollywood gossip pipeline is that George is Dating Penelope Cruz "After going out with Tom, she thought a serious relatioship with George Castanza would be a breeze."

Jerry:"Didn't you mean to say Jason Alexander?"

Newman: "One would think so.."

And Mr. "Air of superiority" John O'Hurley got Family Feud (that or a new series of Grey Pupon commercials (Jerry's line)

Jerry:"He does have the voice and demeaner for it." "Everything is so matter of fact with him."

Newman:"Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Jerry:... commercial

Jerry: "You can't do the spin off sitcom now,its too late, it's not even a spinoff."

Newman: Yes, but after 'The Love Guru, Mike Myers agreed to almost anything...plus, I pronised him ten percent of my future earnings."

Newman: "Now would be a good time to share with you the details of my contract demands which are as follows: A 5 year, 2.5 million dollar per episode deal,plus a garanteed 1 hour Christmas Special and of course, complete creative control."

Jerry: You as jolly old St. Nick, no Rip Torn)

Brief dialoge with Rip as Sants...Doris as Mrs. Claus

Wayne as a Elf

Jerry: This is not about the money huh?"

..."Creative control of someone else's idea's?"

"Not to mention that's more than I made back in the day."

Newman: "Exactly."

Newman: "Well, NBC has rights to Conan's late night comedy bit's of Triamph The Insult Comic Dog and The Masterbating Bear."?

Newman: In my opinion"Leno's an underhanded weisel."

{Jerry is neutral on the subject}

Audience shouts: "Conan"! "Conan"!

Joke about "World's Dumbest Criminals.." Danny Bonaduce reference,

Newman: "I won't be like them Jerry! I won't!"

Jerry: "Alright, Alright! What do you want from me?"

Newman: "Now he asks..."

Jerry: "What?...,we have been listenting to you babble on and on and on"..more

Crowd: "That's right!" yells one man from the front row, "is this part of your routine Engvall er, Shinefelt"

Jerry:"It sure is gonna be from now, I'll tell you that here and now."

Jerry: "So what do you want from me?"

Newman: "You're going to fly to New York tomorrow to meet with Leslie Moonves to pitch my show."

"AND, I want you to act as through this is your idea.."

Jerry: "What? "Im not putting myself in anyway connected to this hijacking of creative work" "It's a travesty." "If you wanted to write a fan fiction piece, fine, but this is a travesty I tell you" (in a high pitched tone)

Jerry: {thinking; Jimmy Fallon does a great impression of me}

Newman: Jerry, where did you go to just now?"

Jerry:... "Nowhere..."What if I decide not to go?"

Newman: "Oh, yes you will." 200,000 frogskins says says so."

Jerry: "Keep talking..."

Newman:"Mr. Moovees will never greenlight it if he knows Wayne Knight's involved."

Jerry: "You don't say?"

Newman: "I just told you, Jerry

{Jerry sighs}

Newman:"One other thing."

I need your signature on this agreement stating that you will not sue Antrack Airlines Inc."

Jerry: "The Antrack Airlines Inc. "They are flying planes now?"

Newman:If you make it to NY in one piece,you can keep the one thousand

dollars"...

Jerry: "A Good faith deposit on my life?"

Jerry: "I hope I get my deposit back"

Newman: "It's wonderful to see you haven't lost your sense of humor at a time like this."

Jerry: "Yes it is" (Grimmacing)

Jerry: "So,where the heck are you gonna be?"

Newman: (big dramatic line) Like a Ninja Hawk...

Jerry "What's with the suitcase?"

Newman: "It's the 200 grand."

Jerry: "You're paying me now"

Newman: "Its all in Good Faith, Seinfeld.."

{Newman gives Jerry tickets}

Jerry: "Coach. makes sense, it really does."

Stays the night in S.C.

The next morning on flight 117 to CBS Studios in New York City, New York} how many minutes before take off?

"No cell phone calls are allowed after takeoff, Sir"

"OH, I almost forgot; your complementary EFD.

Jeery: "EFD?"

Stewardess: "Emergency Floatation Device" to be used in the event of an aquatic landing." "Were taking a detour over the Hudson River Valley"

(Something about the piolt...23, just got his liscense

Jerry: "Safety first"

Stewardess"Oh,always a comedian,even off stage."

Jerry: {Smiling} "I try."

Jerry calls Julia on the plane... Frantic you got to help me...don't have time to explain. I need you to meet me "needs her to soften up Moonves, but Soup Nazi answers, gives Jerry a hard time...then lightens up...

Dialogue of Soup Nazi: "at least one "No soup for you"

Elaine mentions how George book has helped him, Can't wait for his next about overbearing parents

Soup Nazi plays cards wth Knight and John McEnroe, Gordon Ramsey brings BlueBerry pancakes)

Convices Julia to meet him her 25 thousand, she declines makes it 50,000

Jerry: all you have to do is play up to him a little bit...be Elaine Benice."I work there now... "What? "Sorry, Wayne's has me talking like we're all still in character.."

Julia: Oh, ok possible sexual joke?

Same day still:

Scene-

Jackassess ramming Newman

Meanwhile: Back at Newman's lair, or actually a busted up van he rented parked across the street from CBS Headquarters watching listening and eating}

Spartanburg to New YorK City

Jerry meets Julia 12:52 pm. (Coffee shop)

"But why does Jerry need to take the briefcase? Its a businees meeting. Couldn't leave it on the plane...

Bomb Joke...Elaine : What if it was a bomb?"

Jeery: Newman and explosives? Plus, security didn't find anything"

Jeery: "T think he thought I would be a giant fish flating belly up in the Hudson"

Elane: "says something?"

Dialogue: "In and out" "What ever you do don't dance... (More) Ballroom dancing lessons with Soup Nazi..."

Moonves dialogue: (Doesn't read the contract.") Moonves: "Now it's just a formality...like Yankees owner Stienbrener

Pen salesmanis O'Leary comes in side office in a disquise, ... never get between a man and his custom made pen."

Moonves: "Now it's just a formality...like Yankees owner Stienbrener

Newnan line:

CEO agree's: (After Julia dances with Moonves in the office) then Jerry removes the bug, after prying opening and seeing mail...(Funny)

)

(The Double cross)

Jerry" I thought you said you take ballroom dancing lessons

Elaine: I do, but the boss likes my old smoves."

Jerry: Newman, Wayne Knight, what ever you go by, your not gonna get away with this"

(Light Bulb appears above Jerry's head)

"That's it"...:I've got it!"

Newnan hears the news, is elated Spills soda all over him (Mello Yellow Twinkies) Dialogue about Elaine about how she is still "ravishing." "The one that got away.."

May 5,2010 6:15 p.m.

Next and last setting: Jerry has fake contract in hand

Seinfeld's LA Mansion...sitting there drinking scotch. Jerry has contract in hand

"This package came for you, Mr. Seinfeld." No more than a hour ago."

Jerry:"Thank you, Byron." Say, where is your British accent?"

Byron: "I'm terribly sorry, Sir.."

{Byron clears throat}

Bryron: "This came for you, Mr. Seinfeld."

Jerry: "That's my loyal Byron!"

Byron: "To the end, sir or in the event Scotland Yard finally grants me my life long wish of the chance to work with them." However, at the age of 72, that is unlikely"

"If you will excuse me sir, It's a brand New episode of Kitchen Kightmares"

{Jerry begins to read a letter.}

Dear Jerry:

Hey, It's your old pal Kramer. I hope you enjoy the fresh Cuban stogies.

Things are going great here in Orlando, with the recent opening of The Michael Richard's aka Cosmo Kramer Racial Sensitivity Training Center. I have my own office; fancy sivel chair,and cherry wood desk. It gleems. Oh, here is the best part, my man. My staff is made up of completely of a beavy of hot and sassy African American women counselors...former video girls Jerry! Whoa! You gotta come by next time your in town... I'm sure they'd let Jerry Seinfeld perform at the Laugh Factory. Hey,Gotta go, Kiki is by the pool and needs my help with her top."

Your old pal,

Micheal Kosmo Kramer Richards.

(I had my name legally changed a few years ago.)

Newman shows up (Subway joke) (Laugh track tape) (Newman looks off in the distance)

Jerry: "You know, you've got some nerve showing up here after stiffing me in New York."

Newman "That's why im here.I have what's owed you." For real this time."

Jerry: "Give me the 200,000, and I'll give you the CBS contact."

Newman: "A simple exchange" (Countdown)

Drag out: Funny.. (Jerry gives him a fake)

Jerry That briefcase better be filled with nothing but cash "Cold hard cash."

Newman: "Of course!"

Newman: "For all our diffrences through out the years...we are alot alike you and I..."

{Jerry offers him a drink, he accepts}

Jerry: "Hey Leno is on name guests, and band.. Downy Jr, Seth Mcfarlane, Daughtry.

"Sounds like a great show tonight, wanna watch?"

Newman: "Sure"

Leno: Instead of the monoloque, we're gonna do things alittle diffrent

Kevin: "Really, Jay?"

Jerry turns up TV...

Leno: "But, first a rundown of tonight's guests" (Fix) Family Guy joke

(The thing about Jay straightening his tie) Dr. Drew reference

"You know Kev,"There was a video taped mailed to the studio the other day, it's very interesting. Adressed to the "Most Powerman NBC" Of course, I assumed it was-

Kevin: "Jeff Zucker?"

Leno: {Sneers at Kevin} "Let's take a look".

(clock with the minutehand moving)

(Leno stops the tape right after Wayne Knight calls him an underhanded weisel}

Kevin: Jay, I wanted to see what happened!

(Leno thretens Wayne Knight) Oh something else included with the tape rips up the orginalcontact

Newman: "He can't do that!

Jerry: Laughs!

Kevin: Don't you feel you dealt with Wayne Knight dishonestly?"

Jay: NO! this captain runs the fired

Here we go..."

"I am the most powerful man here at NBC" Jay Leno fires Kevin Eubanks on air..HA!

(Ricky Minor from and American Idol) Misses Simon.

Kevin: I am leaving anyway Fine. "You know what, I'm sick and tired of listening to your lame jokes and your lysp. You've spit on me for the last time. Lysp (verbal hiccup)

And for God's sake do something about that "skunk do" you've been sporting around for years!"

Fix

{Jerry turns off TV} "WoW..

Newman "So you gave Moonves the tape, who in turn mailed it to Leno..."

Jerry: Exactly! May 4,2010 "Nextday delivery"

Newman: Pretty crafty. "Getting the weisel skunk involved was "an unknown, unknown."

Newman:pauses

Jerry:... snide smirk (Season 3 episode 25 "The Tape" November 13, 1991)

Brief description of the episode by Jerry:

"My dream of a lead role in my own sitcom." "Crushed like...please you gotta pull off Jay's henchmen... slander"I beg of you...have mercy upon this troubled soul.."

{Superman costume magically appears on Jerry...cape flapping triauphantly in the wind}

{Newman falls to his knees}

Jerry: "You're making me sick...be a man!

Newman: "Allright!. "But hear me and hear me well. "The day will come oh yes,mark my words Seinfeld; your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world, and wipe that smug smile off your face."

{Seinfeld gives smug smile}

Newman: "And I'll be there, in all my glory; watching, watching, as it all comes crumbling down!" AHHHHAA! AHHHAA!

Jerry: Yeah yeah. "Season 9 Episode # "The Finale Part 1"

Newman: "Then surely you realize the end is near?"

Jerry: ...

Newman: "Hmmm...Cuban cigars..."

Newman: "May I?"

Jerry: "NO Way!"

Newman: "But, its for dramatic purposes."

Jerry: "Well, then by all means, here you go."

Jerry: "I'm not going to light it for you, that is where I draw the line." {Classic "I'm taking a stand tone."}

Newman: I'm going for the cool, yet in control Italian mob boss;whose cigar is not lit..yet, no one dares qustion why."

(Everyting goes to a grainy black and white, with those annoying spots in the corners.)

(Cue 40's horn music often heard in dective films)

"I never wanted the show" "You see it was all part of the plan."

Newman: And.." Did you really think the bug in the suitcase,that it was my only plan of survellience?"

Jerry..."I just fiqured you were that much of an imbecile."

Newman: " My acomplice was parked outside not far from where I was; thus watching everything" "Turns out's he's good with computers"

{Newman radio's Spike O'Leary}

Newman: "Your on!"

Jerry: It's you!" (Fix)

Newman: Camera that looks like a pen in Moonves office

Jerry" "So how much did you sell your soul for?"

O'Leary: "Oh, it's what the Irish refer to as liquid gold."

Jerry: "So,just for a case of Guiness?"

O'Leary: "Brilliant"!

O'Leary: "Well, that and a Pez dispencer."

Jeery: "I can't blame you, for the Pez dispencer."

"But above all, this one was for my lad Conan O'Brien and the Isle Ireland!" lush green something."

Jerry: "You've got nothing to do with the fued?"

O'Leary: "True. But like the subject of American HealthCare everyone is on a side."

{Cue Irish River Dance Music}

Newman: Camera that looks like a pen in Moonves office

Newman: "Alas, my years spent working for the Department of Homeland Security were not in vain!"

Jerry:"This is MY mansion." You can't just invite people

Jerry: "Jason Alexander,uummm George, what are you doing here?" "

George:"I had an extra key made, remember?"

Jerry: "No, George

(George and Penelope Cruz are in Jerry's hottub...comes inside to get more champange) Asks for one of Jerry's cigar's"

Jerry: "I haven't even smoked one yet.!"

George: "You just gave one to Neman." C'mom

Jerry: "Give me the key. George

George: "Jerry, Penelope has lots of girlfriends!...

Jerry: "I'm married now."

George: "Yeah, I know" I carried the rings on that lovely pillow..

Jerry: Yeah...15 minutes of your crying and I caved."

Newman: "Here, George take mine." cigar

George: "I don't want it after you've "sloppered" all over it."

Jerry: "Sloppered?" picking up a bit of Penelope's accent, I hear.. Georgie boy.."

George:"She happens to like it."

{George walks over to the table next to Jerry's chair and gets a cigar}

George: "Oh, and ahh, Jerry if Penelope asks your just visting."

Jerry: "Right.."

possible Cruz line...

Newman: "The final piece of this intricate puzzle."

...{as "Hail to the Chief plays}

President Obama's body double enters the room

Jerry: President Obama?

Newman: "Mr Preident; "The documents please"..

Hmmmm Hmmmm...so many zero's."

{Jerry: Jumps from his chair and grabs the papers}

Newman: "Golbman Sachs investment documents for one "Gerald Stienfeld?"

Jerry: "Big deal, this is not me, you goon!"

Newman: "They're Illegal investment documents, Jerry Steinfeld!"

"I'm sure The Department of Justice would love to feast there eyes on this."

"Wouldn't you agree, Mr. President?"

Line about Biden (sent Jerry it a big fucking deal t-shit) Jerry: Cool." Change his diaper

Jerry: "You're all insane!"

Jerry: "You are not the Commander in Chief!"

"What is your name,anyway?"

Double: "Body doubles for high ranking government officials have no names."

Douuble: "Also, Gerald,"The US President's body double holds power equal to the one he is hired to protect...brand new provision of The Cositution...little known fact."

{Secret Service agent Barnes enters the room}

"Sir".

"Mr. Knight reguests that we arrest and bring charges against this man for Securties Fraud."

Double: "Agent Barnes take him away..."

Jerry: "But what about,"Wayne Knight's World?" I can get you the show!"

Newman: "I'll just take back my two hundred grand."

Jerry: "The money was real?"

Newman: "Goodbye, Jerry.."

Jerry: "Goodbye, Newman.."

Jerry: NO!

Newman: AHHH HHAAAA!

{Jerry wakes up breathing heavily}

"That nightmare was worse than the one I had about me being the guest of honor for Osama Bin Laden birthday."

{Cue classic episode ending bass line,bubble sound effects,and harmonica)

Written By:

Calvin Ward

As a tribute to one of the funnest sitcom's ever.

I hope you enjoyed it

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved to Orginal copyright holders.