this is un-betaed, and was written in like half an hour, so sorry if it sucks. also, i have no idea where to post it. anyone know? it would be much appreciated. :)

want to be where you are

Finn doesn't really know what he want.

Finn/Rachel, Finn/Quinn, Finn+Kurt; FINN-CENTRIC

spoilers up to 1.20

Finn doesn't really know what he wants.

Sometimes, when he's surrounded by all these boys-and they are just boys, boys insecure and stupid and sometimes Finn wants to punch their smug smiles until his knuckles bleed and bruise and Kurt doesn't have any tears to cry but- sometimes these boys make him want this. The smell of grass and sweat and adrenaline making him feel like he could scream and scream and his voice would never run out.

But his voice would run out and he needs it for-

Sometimes, Finn just wants to be a boy who plays football and basketball and doesn't care about girls who give a shaky smile when blue drips from their blouse, or boys who get beat up because they're different and aren't scared. Sometimes Finn jokes and says "freaks" and "fags" because he wants to be that boy.

But he isn't.

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There was one time when Finn did know what he wanted, though. Wisps of blonde hair and soft blue eyes and French vanilla perfume meant something- everything. He wanted to hear that laugh- quiet and soft and so sweet for such a bitter girl- that laugh that made something inside him want. Want- want to do something and kiss away any tears and not let anyone else see the way her blue eyes turned light when she was happy or see the soft curve of her lips when she smiles.

But (brown hair and loud laughs and mint chapstick and dark, dark, dark eyes)- Finn doesn't think he wants that anymore.

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And the little baby girl- that girl who he loved without knowing, without seeing- that little baby girl that he loved without questions?

Finn still wants that. Still wants her.

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(He doesn't want smirks and best friends and "I'm sorry" with broken whispers, all laced with betrayal and that burn in his chest that threatens to tear him apart.)

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Mr. Shue asks the Glee members to suggest songs for regionals one day at practive, going to each person for a song. Rachel says some Broadway tune Finn doesn't even pretend to know, Mercedes wants Beyonce, Kurt wants Brittney. Finn tunes out after Puck smiles at Quinn, saying "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You" (all Puck did was suggest a freaking baby name. Finn did that too; Finn went to doctors appointments and loved Quinn and would have done anything, anything but-) and he watches Quinn's cheeks flush, sees her look down and smile prettily, her eyes turning lighter and her lips curving- after that he looks up at the ceiling and watches the fan turn slowly, counting each rotation.

one

two

three

He gets to fifty-seven before Mr. Shue's voice rings out. "Finn, what song do you think we should try?"

Finn glances up at his teacher, catching the eye of Artie, who looks bored. Finn knows Artie assumes he doesn't have a song to suggest, doesn't have anything to contribute except an untrained voice and lame dance moves. Finn thinks that Artie would probably be amazing if he could dance. He thinks Artie would probably take all the leads from him, all the attention, all the pressure. He knows Artie wants that- he wants that more than anything in the world. Finn wonders what it's like to want something impossible, something that will never happen, that will always just sit in your stomach like an empty ache- always there and never close to being fulfilled.

"Finn?" Mr. Shue says.

At least Artie wants something, Finn notes absently.

With no response, Mr. Shue asks again. "Finn!" He calls out. "What song do you want?"

Finn smiles a little at Artie, wants to give him his legs, give him the ability to walk, to run, to dance Artie just stares back, uncomprehending. If Artie could dance, Finn knows he would be breathtaking.

"I have no idea."

x

Kurt wants him- Kurt likes him.

Finn just wants Kurt to stop crying because- fag fag fag- he didn't mean it. It's just. That boy (the one who sweats and laughs at dirty jokes and is best friends with Noah Puckerman and someday wants to captain the football team)- that boy is scared of being punched and is scared that Kurt doesn't care what they think and is scared because he deos care and he doesn't want to.

As he rips down his mother's favorite red curtains (because they will move into the Hummel's, and they won't need these curtains then), Finn thinks maybe he's not scared anymore.

When he sees those overgrown boys, though, he knows he's still terrified (of what they'll do, of what they'll say, of what they'll think But Kurt smiles (tear-stained and painful and hopeful and real). Kurt smiles and that's all Finn really wanted anyway.

x

Every once in a while, when everyone is leaving Glee, Rachel will hesitate a moment. Finn thinks she looks lonely now that Jesse is gone -(gone gone gone and Finn can't even think about him because the room starts spinning and all he sees is Rachel's chest heaving and voice breaking and black lines of mascara streaking her face).

One time she hesitates longer than usual and timidly (timid; he would never use that word to describe Rachel)- timidly calls out, quietly. "Finn?" She asks. He turns around, watching her twist her hands together, red blooming on her cheeks. "I was just wondering if-"

She stops. "Yeah?" Finn asks, moving closer to her, trying to smell her mint chapstick and the starchy scent of that hair spray she always wears.

"Nevermind." Rachel whispers, and all Finn wants is to know what she was going to ask, what she always wants to ask him.

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It's just that all this Glee stuff- it's getting to him. It's messing with him. He never used to care if some random guy who dressed like a girl smiled, or if Rachel Berry lost her voice.

He walks with Tina to history now, though, and they talk about how screwed they are for the final, how Mrs. MacShannon smells like cheese. He sees some guys from the football team when they walk to class, and he doesn't even glance their way. He doesn't even want to.

And when Mercedes asks him if he wants to join their lunch table, he sees Kurt smirking at him, a leer in his eyes. He sees Tina and Artie laughing, their heads close together. Quinn leans against Puck (and when did they join this table?) and her light blue eyes smile, Puck smiles too, a half-quirk of his lips that makes Finn remember video games and popcorn and tag football at the park. He swallows when Rachel looks up at him through lowered lashes, licks her lips nervously, probably tasting mint, Finn thinks, and he says-

"Yeah. I'd love to."

x