Israel, Jacob Ben Israel

I am Jacob, I am in a dumpster, and I can feel things crawling in my Jewfro. I poke my head out of the dumpster slowly to see if any of the jocks who tossed me in are still lingering around. Freaking anti-Semites, even Noah Puckerman, my fellow Jero (Jewish Bro) tossed me in. Why would he do this? To impress his jock friends? Well I got news for you buddy, if this was Nazis Germany, it wouldn't matter how many sit-ups you did; they would see you as no different from me.

Then all of a sudden, the world stops, time itself becomes meaningless, and all my problems are forgotten, because Rachel Berry is in my line of view. I push up my glasses that were sliding down my face, stand up straight, and start to walk over to her. She looks to her right and sees me, it's so awesome that we have grown so attached that we can sense each other's presence. Her big beautiful eyes take in my entire frame, then she practically runs for her life in the opposite direction into the arms of Finn, or Jesse, or Puck, it doesn't matter who it is this time because he is not me.

Many people mistake my passion for perversion, but that is ok, because I know who I am and I know what I want. Everyone in this school walks around with a mask on, trying to hide their true self. I don't hide, what you see is what you get, and that's one of my best qualities. I can look myself in the mirror every day, flaws and all, knowing that I did not compromise myself for the benefit of someone else. That's what first attracted me to Rachel, we were the same person. Both of us are tortured and independent Jews trying to make it through the hell that is high school. I just can't understand why she won't give me the time of day.

The degenerates at this school will tell you that it is because I am a creepy stalker who gives off the male "Swimfan" vibe. But truth be told, the stalker nickname is subjective to how attractive the person is. If Finn Hudson was following a girl around it would be considered sweet, but when I do it, it is called "stalking". When Puck puts on a scowl, the guys get scared and the girls get hot. I hate high school kids. I've tried to do the "cool laid back" thing, but when a guy like me does that, I immediately become invisible. If I'm not up in her grill making my presence known, then she would forget I exist, and that is a fate worse than death.

The other answer is that Rachel is too good looking for me, which I will immediately and unquestionably agree with. At first her annoying personality hid the hotness that I knew was there all along. But after the glee club performance of "Push it" suddenly every guy in school knew the secret I was trying to keep to myself, Rachel Berry was a total babe. I have given her all the attention she could ever want, the blog I devote to her is the reason the students know who she is in the first place. That's what she wanted isn't it, to be a star, to be known? There are plenty of popular people I could be writing about, but I demote my time to her. I believed in her Broadway dreams before anyone else did. I was the only person who ever said anything nice about her MySpace videos (honest to god those cheerios could give the Nazis a run for their money in the evil department). She was supposed to fall in love with me, realize the beauty behind my Carrot Top meets Woody Allen face. We were going to be the king and queen of the losers. The dumpster would be my throne, the slushie facial, her crown. She was going to make me the happiest man alive, and I was going to try to make her warm up to me each day. I admit it, even in my fantasy land; Rachel is begrudgingly with me due to a lack of options. But that did not bother me, because I knew that we would be happy together, one day.

But no, she had to fall in love with Finn, that guy gets everything! First, he gets the growth spurt that makes him 12 feet tall. Second, he gets to be the beloved knight in shining armor nice guy on the team of Neanderthal jokes. Thirdly, his off putting quirks (being clumsy/mentally retarded) are seen as adorable by the female population. Finally, and the worst of all, my Rachel is in love with him. It isn't fare, I take an interest in her, learn about her interests, and he barely acknowledges her until they sing in glee together. He also had Quinn Fabray! I can't get Quinn Fabray to waste the precious saliva needed to spit on me, much less go on a date with me. Why couldn't one of the Cheerios have joined the chess club and realized how much she loved playing chess and how much she enjoyed spending time with me? Stupid Jacob, fairy god mothers don't answer the prayers of ugly girls and high school miracles only happen to the underdogs who are on the sports teams.

I'll go home today, wash the gunk out of my hair, update my blog, do my homework, and go to bed hoping the next day won't be the same hell that it was today. Because that is all I can do. At least for now it is. Rachel and I have another thing in common, hell; all the kids in school have this in common. We all want to get out of Lima. But where they will cower, get pregnant, and work dead end jobs until they die, I will build an entertainment empire in LA and become the next Larry King. Yeah I'm cocky, most would say I have no reason to be. One subscriber posted on my blog that I should do the world a favor and blow my brains out. But the world is going to have to suffer a bit longer, because Ben Jacob Israel does not give up. He will get beaten badly, humiliated, and have his heart broken, but he will keep pushing forward with his head held high. Don't rain on my parade; because I am defying gravity, I just need somebody to love.


I am Jacob, I am in a dumpster, and I am lying on a mattress only slightly covered with garbage. See, this is already a massive improvement over yesterday. I look over my shoulder and see a pink backpack stuffed into a broken black garbage bag. On the front pocket in white lettering there is a capital R and a capital B followed by a big gold star. I start breathing heavily with delight, but my doctor advised me against breathing too much while in the dumpster, so I hop out of the dumpster instead. I find Rachel walking alone towards the choir room, today is glee practice after all. I run up to her, she turns to face me with her usual look of terror.

"Hello Rachel, I was taking an afternoon dumpster dive and I saw this little baby staring right at me." (Smooth Israel, Chad Michael Murray would be proud.)

"Oh my God did you seriously dig up my old backpack out of the garbage. Why are you such a freak?" (It's amazing how her insults are the sweetest music to my ears.)

"No I didn't go searching for it… I just found it by accident." (Play the sad puppy face; girls can't resist the sad puppy face.)

"Well there's no underwear in there, but knowing you, you already looked through it just to be sure" (I did look through it, I have no idea what girls keep in their backpacks, there could have been a bra in there!)

"I'm sorry Rachel I just-"

"No, I don't even want to hear the vile that is about to spew from your mouth." She takes the backpack from me and storms off, giving me a nice view as she goes.

"Give it up loser, she is never going to be into you so just give it up already, it's painful to watch. And just for the record, I read your blog post about me being a "Jewish Uncle Tom," and I just wanted you to know that you are the reason other Jews keep their religion a secret." Mow-hawked Judas finished his rant and chased after Rachel. He slung his arm around her and I could see her melt in his arms. He whispered something in her ear, and then they both looked back at me and laughed.


I am Jacob, I am standing on a stool in my closet and there is a rope around my neck. The journey from school to this position is a blur; all I know is that I see no other option. No note, just my blog pulled up on my laptop. The page shows a comment a subscriber posted that was just "Die Jacob Die" over and over again. I was about to jump off the stool, because Jacob Ben Israel keeps pushing forward with his head held high, even during his suicide attempt.

"You Got Mail" breaks the silence of the room and I almost had a heart attack during my suicide attempt (only me right). I take the rope off my neck and go to my computer to check the new mail, and then I begin to cry a little. It is a message from Rachel. She is apologizing for the way she acted today, stating that she was really stressed out and did not mean the awful things she said. She informed me that she had left the star of David necklace her Jewish father gave her in the backpack she discarded and it would have been lost forever if it wasn't for me. She signed the letter "Sincerely, Rachel Berry *" It wasn't love, but I sincerely didn't give a crap.

I am Jacob, and I am throwing the rope away, living to find love another day.