Standard Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and Rurouni Kenshin characters are owned by someone other than me.  Nor do I own the movie Shrek which my story is based on.  This is fiction and for entertainment purposes only.  This story was not written for sale or profit but pure enjoyment.  So with that out of the way please read and enjoy.

A/N—This is a parody of the movie Shrek and most if not all the characters will be out of character.  I had to do that in order to make the story work.  Although after Aoshi's first fight with Kenshin I believe that he would have acted similar to the story if he didn't have the driving force of being the strongest. 


Chapter 1

Once upon a time

There was a beautiful lady.

 An enchantment had been placed

Upon her that could only be broken

By true loves first kiss.

She was locked in the highest tower of a castle

Surrounded by lava


Guarded by

The legendary swordsman

Called Battousai.

"No man can beat him," whispered Aoshi shaking his head.  He snapped the book closed, walked to the front desk of the Temple, and deposited the book in the lost and found box.

He returned to the prayer room and sat in his favorite spot, directly in the middle of the room.  It was his intention to spend the day completely alone and meditate.

The three monks who lived at the temple assembled in the back room whispering.

"He needs to go home."

"Do you want to tell him that?"


"But how do we get him to go home."

"I don't know.  Do either of you two have any ideas."

"We could tell him that the Temple was on fire."

"We can not tell a lie besides the building is made of stone and stone doesn't burn."


"Well its time for prayers, we will continue this discussion same time tomorrow."

The monks filed out of the back room and with bowed heads walked past Aoshi to take their place in the prayer room.  They started to chant the opening prayer when Aoshi growled at them.

That's all it took, each monk stood up and walked out of the room.  They all sighed as they walked to the Temple across town to sing their prayer for the rest of day.

Shortly before evening Aoshi changed into his ninja uniform to leave the Temple to acquire his one meal of the day.  After the first month of living at the Temple the Monks refused to bring food to him so he was forced to leave the Temple at least once a day.  As he was leaving the Temple, he noticed a poster on the side of the building. 


 Dojo Teachers




"Where is this dojo that I am suppose to teach?" Kaoru asked her friend who had told her about a teaching job across town.  She had donned her training cloths and held her reverse blade sword securely in her hand.  To legally carry her sword she had covered it with her yellow protective sash.

"We have to wait in line for a few more minutes," Sano said nervously as he stood in a slow moving line with her.

"Sano why are we here?  This isn't a dojo," Kaoru asked angrily glaring at him.

"Just do me a favor and wait with me," he replied nervously.  They would be the next ones in line.

As they approached the desk Kaoru began to have a strange feeling.  There were two people in front of them, a man, and a young boy.

"Teacher or Student," asked Saitoh dryly sitting behind the desk.

"Student," the man replied holding out his hand.

Saitou counted the money and deposited it into the man's hand.  While the man walked away counting his money, the young boy was put with a group of young people.  

"Next," Saitou said looking up at Kaoru.

Kaoru looked at Saitou then she realized that Sano was going to turn her in for some spending cash to go gambling with.  Sano refused to look at her; instead he started to walk toward Saitou.

She quietly let the sash unwrap from around her sword; with her left hand she wrapped it around the hand holding the hilt.  As she pulled the sword from the sheath, Sano's eyes snapped to look at her and with one quick slash, she sent Sano into the people behind her.

"Get her," Saitou yelled motioning for the police officers to move.

With the sash following the sweep of her sword, she managed to knock out the first wave of police officers.  But she knew that it would only be a matter of time before her strength would run out and so she decided to run for now.  But she vowed that she would be back.

Kaoru ran down the street dodging people and turning corners to confuse the police chasing her.  She raced around another corner and she ran into Aoshi who just stood there with a scowl on his face. 

She bounced off him and landed on the ground.  Springing back on her feet, she was going to continue running but decided to hide behind him. 

"Sorry," she said from behind him, taking in deep breaths.  She peeked around Aoshi to see if the police were still chasing her.

The police rounded the corner and bumped into each other as the leader stopped just feet in front of Aoshi.    

Aoshi just stood there glaring at them. 

"You there ninja," the policeman stated.

"Yeees?" Aoshi answered slowly.

"Y…You are… both are… under arrest… by the order of Hiko… the Great," the policeman finished.

Aoshi sneered at the policeman then asked, "Are you going to do it by yourself?"

The policemen looked behind him, when he realized that he was alone he started backing up and in one swift motion he turned running away screaming.

Kaoru watched in wonder.  Who is this man she asked herself.  He is not a normal man.

Aoshi sighed and started walking away.

"Wow that was great.  How did you do that?" Kaoru asked as she followed him.

Aoshi just kept walking as if he didn't hear her.

"Hey who are you?" Kaoru demanded determined to get an answer from the man.

Again, only silence from the man.

"At least tell me your name so that I may thank you properly," she pleaded.

"Aoshi," he said in a voice so low that she almost didn't hear him.

"So you do hear me.  Well then, Thank you Lord Aoshi," she said giving a small bow.

Hearing her, Aoshi stopped in his tracks and turned growling at her, "I don't want to be a Lord, I WANT to be left alone," looking directly into her face.  He sighed once again then resumed walking.

"Can I stay with you?" Kaoru asked his back.

"NO, now GO away," he growled diligently staying his course.

She ignored what he said and continued to follow him.

As they reached the Temple, the monks were just returning from their prayer session across town.  They didn't say anything when they saw Kaoru but she was sure that they had many questions.  She watched as they shied away from Aoshi. 

"Where do I sleep?" Kaoru asked Aoshi once they were inside the Temple.

Aoshi jerked around when he heard her voice angry that she had followed him to the Temple.

Aoshi sighed returning to the prayer room, seating himself directly in the middle of the room he resumed his meditation.

"Well he sure is antisocial, isn't he," she said to no one in particular.

The monks reappeared next to her and said,

"He has been silent like that since he arrived"

"We don't know what to do.  He isn't a monk so he should not be living here"

"We have been trying to get him to leave but nothing works.  He just sits there ignoring the world and meditates"

"Well maybe I can help.  Do you know anything about him?" she asked them.

"He used to be the leader of a group of ninja's.  He was a great leader until…"

"Something happened on his last mission and he has been here ever since."

"He had some loyal friends that gave their lives to protect him."

"Now he spends all his time here just rotting away"

"Oh how sad.  Where can I sleep?" Kaoru asked smiling as she waited for directions.  She left in the direction that the monk pointed.

"Now we have two to get rid of"

"What did we do to deserve this?"

"We are doomed."

Kaoru found the futons and after dusting one out she put it in room where the monks showed her.  She was hoping that she could help Aoshi in some way to repay him for rescuing her from the police.

She tried everything that she knew to draw him out and find out why he was at the temple.  But no matter what she talked about he maintained his silence and showed no emotions on his face.

After awhile she gave up and decided to resume trying in the morning after getting a nights rest. 

The sun rose in the east on the Temple yard filled with people.  Not just any people but Dojo teachers and students.  Everyone was in the yard practicing.  The click and clack of the bamboo swords woke everyone at the temple before the sun was up.

Kaoru gave up on Aoshi after breakfast and decided to check out the other dojo teachers and maybe pick up a few competitors for her dojo when she could reopen it.

Aoshi tried to ignore all the commotion that the extra people made.  He was able to hold out until midmorning before he snapped. 

The monks had packed their meager possessions and moved to the Temple across town until they could figure a way to get everyone to leave.

Aoshi walked out into the yard and motioned for Kaoru to come.  She quickly ran over to where Aoshi was standing.

"Did you need something?" she asked sarcastically, still a bit upset with him.

"Make these people leave," was his quiet response.

With clenched fist and spitting out the word between her teeth she said, "You do it.  I like them here.  Gives me someone to talk to."

He raised his eyebrows a bit and asked, "Why are they here?"

"Hiko the Great has decided that there will be no more teachers or students of any swordsmanship.  So he has brought everyone here to re-educate them so that everyone will learn other trades and he will remain the greatest swordsman in the land," she said giving a heavy sigh, "but the educators left so..."

"Where is this Hiko, the Great?  I must speak with him," he said with a sigh.

"I can take you there but I need a minute to get ready," she said.  She turned around and addressed the crowd in the yard, "Everybody keep practicing.  We are going to talk to Hiko the Great so everyone can go back to their own dojo."

Every one cheered, happily going back to practicing.

Without a word Aoshi nodded before he turned and entered the Temple to get ready for his journey.

Aoshi in his ninja uniform was using his double kodachi's as a walking stick and Kaoru had her reverse blade sword wrapped with her yellow sash strapped to her back.  They walked away from the Temple listening to the wooden swords connecting as they trekked off to pay Hiko the Great a visit.

To be continued…