Author's Note: Today is Matt Stone's birthday. So happy birthday, Matt (and Kyle)! :D
I had to do a little research about bar mitzvahs for this oneshot, since I'm not Jewish, and I've never been to a bar mitzvah before.
Also, you can blame Kyle's bold behavior on his new raging teenage hormones. XD
Disclaimer: South Park © Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Kyle's a Man
by Angelic Guardian
Today was the day. The day Kyle Broflovski officially became a man. A not-so-tall, not-so-strong man who still had to go to school, do homework, obey his parents, and put up with his idiotic friends—namely Cartman—but a man, nonetheless.
Kyle stopped fiddling with the maroon tie he'd been adjusting for the past few minutes, officially giving up on trying to fix it. He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, focusing on the white yarmulke that sat atop his green hat. It looked kind of stupid, but it would've looked even stupider without his hat, as his hair was too big for the yarmulke. He let out a small sigh.
He didn't really…feel like a man.
Not yet, anyway, he thought as a wicked grin formed across his lips.
"And so," Gerald Broflovski said, a glass raised in one hand and a microphone in the other, "on this day, we congratulate Kyle for becoming a 'Son of Commandment.' I know he'll honor the title and continue to make his mother and me very proud." He looked down at his son, who stood beside him, and smiled. "So, Kyle, for today and the rest of your life, I wish you only the best." He held up his glass. "Mazel tov!"
"Mazel tov!" Kyle's relatives echoed back.
Gerald embraced Kyle in a warm hug, followed by Sheila, whose hug was much more powerful and bone-crushing than it was gentle. Kyle wrapped his arms around his mother's thick frame, cringing a bit at the overwhelming scent of her perfume. He was relieved when she finally pulled away, and with that, he made his way back over his table where his friends sat, all dressed nicely in their suits.
"Congrats, dude," Stan said with a smile.
"Thanks, dude," Kyle said as he took a seat next to him.
"S-So, Kyle," Jimmy said, and Kyle looked at him, trying his hardest not to stare at the large red zit growing on the handicapped boy's forehead. "H-How was the…cerr…how was the cerrr…how was the cer-emony?
"It was all right," Kyle said, shrugging. "I had to read this really long passage from the Torah."
"Did you mess up?" Clyde asked in his dull voice which hadn't fully cracked yet.
"Nah, not really," Kyle said. "I practiced it a lot."
"So…what, you're like…a man now, or something?" Craig asked, his new silver, metal braces flashing as he spoke.
"Well…yeah, technically," Kyle said. He couldn't help but wonder why everyone was so interested in this subject all of a sudden, especially since they showed absolutely no interest in it before. "According to Jewish law, I am."
"Oh, geez," Butters said nervously, rubbing his fists together in that annoying way of his. Puberty had been very unkind to him. Out of all of the boys in their class, Butters was the one with the most acne all over his face. The blonde boy had tried covering it up with various ointments and prescribed medication, but none of them seemed to work on his severely blemished face. If anything, they only made his face worse.
But, then again, it was Butters. He was the unlucky one.
"What?" Kyle asked.
"W-Well, it's just…you gotta be careful now, Kyle," Butters said. "Now that you're a man, you can't be…well, you know."
Kyle blinked. "Um, no," he said. "I don't know."
Butters' eyes widened. His voice softened as he said, "You can't be…stickin' your wiener in everything."
Everyone froze, dead silent, staring at Butters like he was an idiot. Which he kind of was.
Kenny was the first to break the silence by chuckling loudly beneath his orange parka.
"Yeah, Kyle," he said, nudging him in the side with his elbow, "watch out for those pussies. They can be fucking toxic."
Kyle glared at Kenny, but he didn't say anything. He luckily didn't have to, though, as his best friend decided to speak up for him.
"Dude, stop being stupid, Kenny," Stan said.
"Y-Yeah, Ken, vaginas aren't t-t-t-toxic," Jimmy said.
"You'd be surprised, man," Kenny said nonchalantly. "Hey, speaking of vaginas, where's that bitch of yours, Stan?"
Stan looked taken aback.
"Who, Wendy?" he asked stupidly, as if he didn't already know.
"Oh, yeah," Kyle said. "Why aren't you sitting with her, dude?"
Stan glanced at Kyle briefly before averting his gaze. He looked down at the table, his eyes fixed on the blue tablecloth and the extremely interesting silverware.
"I, uh…I don't really wanna talk about Wendy," he said.
"But…she's your girlfriend," Kyle said.
"I know, but…" Stan said, but he trailed off. He sighed, finally looking up at everyone again. "She's been acting really, really bitchy lately."
"You mean…bitchier than usual?" Craig asked.
Stan glared at Craig, and the braces-wearing boy responded by flipping him off on instinct.
"Dude, come on, she can't be that bad," Kyle said.
"You don't know, Kyle," Stan said, sounding a little scared now. "The other day at school, I asked her why she was acting so weird, and she fucking lashed out at me like a…like a werewolf or something."
"Ooh," Butters said, intrigued. "Did she grow fangs?"
"No, she just screamed at me for like, five minutes, and then she told me to fuck off," Stan said. "I haven't talked to her since."
"Well, did you do something that might've gotten her mad?" Token asked.
"No, I didn't do anything," Stan said. "I honestly have no idea why she's so pissed."
"M-M-Maybe she's on her p-p-p-peeeer-iod," Jimmy said.
Stan raised an eyebrow. "Her period?"
"It's when girls bleed out their–"
"Dude, I know what a period is, Clyde!" Stan said, already disgusted. "I have an older sister, you know."
"Wait, b-bleed out their what?" Butters asked.
"Their vag," Kenny said casually.
"Ohhh," Butters said. "Well, Jesus, so that's another reason for me to stay away from bush…"
Stan shook his head in disappointment.
"Dude…" he started to say, but he stopped himself when he heard someone calling his name in a familiar loud, screeching voice:
Stan's eyes widened.
"Shit!" he said. His hands shot out to grab Kyle by the collar. "I TOLD YOU TO HIDE ME!" he shouted in a panicked voice, shaking Kyle violently.
Kyle blinked a few times, staring at him with a perplexed look on his face.
"Um, no you didn't, dude," he said matter-of-factly.
She called his name again.
"Goddammit!" Stan said, letting go of Kyle. He got out of his seat to make a run for it, but it seemed he was already too late. When he turned around, he came face-to-face with none other than Wendy. He greeted her with a nervous smile and a halfhearted wave. "Oh, uh…hey, Wendy."
Wendy just stood there, her hands on her much wider, curvier hips and her eyebrows lowered, glaring at him with so much intensity in her eyes, it was as if she was about to rip his head off.
"Ooh, he's screwed," Craig muttered under his breath, and a few boys their heads in agreement.
"Where the hell have you been, Stan?" Wendy asked.
"I-I, uh…" he said, backing away from her, only to hit the back of his chair. He was trapped, and he knew Wendy knew it as she leaned in dangerously close to him.
"Have you been avoiding me?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Who, me?" Stan asked. "No, of course…of course not."
Wendy's mouth curved into an evil yet seductive-looking smirk.
"Good, because…" she said, although she didn't bother to finish that sentence as she grabbed Stan by his suit jacket. Before he even had the chance to protest, she roughly pulled him in towards her, kissing him.
A few boys gasped, some raised their eyebrows, and some simply tilted their heads in confusion.
"Whoa," Butters said, amazed. He glanced around at everyone. "Do all girls do that when they're on their period?"
Wendy abruptly broke the kiss, allowing both herself and Stan to catch their breaths. Stan stared at her wide wide blue eyes, and Wendy simply grinned as she took him by the hand.
"Let's go," she said, pulling Stan with her, dragging him off to who knew where.
After they were gone, Kenny turned back to the group and said, completely serious and unashamed, "She's growing a nice pair of tits."
Everyone eagerly voiced their agreement, everyone for Kyle, who only rolled his eyes. He wasn't really interested in that kind of stuff.
In girls, that is. He wasn't interested in girls.
Now boys, on the other hand…well…that was a different story…
"Kyyyyyllllle!" came a familiar whiny voice, belonging to none other than Kyle's little brother, Ike, who approached the table.
Kyle let out an annoyed sigh.
"What is it, Ike?" he asked.
Now that he was getting older, Ike was definitely becoming more of an obnoxious little know-it-all. Of course, being a seven-year-old, he was still just a little kid, which meant he was a total pain in the ass. He was always so full of energy now, and he always insisted on bothering Kyle at the worst possible times, like when he was trying to do his homework, or study, or…
Well, mostly school-related things. But still, he was annoying, and it pissed Kyle off.
"Your fat bastard friend keeps stealing all the food!" Ike said in his bratty tattle-tale voice.
Kyle felt his heart jump unexpectedly, but on the surface, he pulled his usual face of anger.
"Son of a bitch," he said as he got out of his seat, making his way over to the buffet table with Ike tagging along. He stopped when he spotted Cartman, only to catch himself and slap a pissed off look on his face.
"What are you doing, fatass?" he asked.
Cartman froze, glancing up from the food he'd been piling onto his plate.
"What?" he asked innocently. "It's a buffet, isn't it? I just wish you had better shit to eat than this crappy kosher Jew-food of yours…"
Eric Cartman definitely hadn't changed much since the fourth grade. He was still the same manipulative asshole who loved coming up with ridiculous schemes that only he benefited from. He still got under Kyle's skin more than anyone else in the world, and he was, of course, still an overweight son of a bitch.
Well…he wasn't as overweight as he used to be. He was still fat, of course, but he was a lot taller now, and therefore growing more into his weight. His voice had gotten noticeably deeper, too, and his hair somehow looked a lot shinier, fuller, softer…
He was kinda, sorta, not really, almost, more or less, maybe just a little…
Yeah. He was hot. Kyle had to admit that. Yes, he was a total fucking douchebag, but…for some insane reason, Kyle was attracted to him. And whenever the two of them started getting into their intense arguments with each other, Kyle would always find himself getting…aroused.
At first he was embarrassed by it, and even a bit disgusted with himself. After all, it was Cartman, for god's sake. However, he eventually came to terms with his unwanted attraction, and now, well, he kind of liked it.
Although he'd never, ever admit it to anyone, he actually enjoyed getting all riled up, the feeling of blood rushing throughout his body in an angry frenzy. Cartman was the only person who could get him all worked up like that, which was why he thrived on their fights now more than ever.
Yet, despite all this, there was no way in hell Kyle was ever going to let him know about it. He could only imagine what Cartman would do if he ever found out he had that much power over him…
"Dude, the buffet is for everyone, asshole, not just you," Kyle said, his heartbeat already quickening.
"Fuck off, Jew," Cartman said. "It's bad enough you forced me into not ripping on you for this whole gay bar mitzvah thing. Seriously, it's like, totally unfair. I had all these awesome jokes, too…" He paused. "You know, I ought to sue your ass for censoring me like this. Because that's what you're doing, Kahl. You're stopping me from fully expressing my hatred of your lame Jewish culture. And that's called censorship, my friend. And that's not cool. That's not cool at all, Kahl."
Before Kyle could point out the absurdity of Cartman's bigoted logic, Ike stepped in.
"That's enough food for you, tubby!" he said.
Cartman lowered his brows. "What did you call me, you little faggot?"
Ike didn't back down at all. He was, evidently, just as stubborn as Kyle.
"I called you 'tubby,'" he said, not even the least bit scared of Cartman's supposedly threatening tone. "Whatcha gonna do about it, tubby?"
Cartman's hands clenched into fists. "You little bitch!"
He was just about to lunge himself at Ike when Kyle intervened, holding Cartman back by placing his hands on top of his broad shoulders.
"All right, all right, take it easy, fatass," he said, resisting the sudden urge to move his hands lower and explore the rest of Cartman's large body. "Just…" He trailed off, somehow forgetting what he was about to say. He was getting distracted, but he tried his best not to make it obvious. "Just…leave my little brother alone. Yeah."
Luckily for him, Cartman didn't seem to notice Kyle's strange behavior, as he was too busy glaring at Ike, who stuck his tongue out at him.
"See ya later, tubby," he said, walking away.
Cartman mumbled something under his breath that sounded like, "Stupid little Canadian cocksucker." He fell silent after that, locking eyes with Kyle, and it was at that moment that Kyle suddenly realized he was still holding Cartman's shoulders. His hands shot back to his own body, and he managed to give Cartman a scowl. He decided not to say anything, though, and instead simply walked back over to his table. As he approached it, he saw someone new sitting at the table, and he froze.
"I made sure to tell the stewardess about my condition. I said, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but I can't eat this soup with a spork, because my taste buds are overly sensitive, and the slightest poke could make them pop and start to bleed, and then my mouth will get all sticky, and it'll just be a huge mess inside there.' I just, I don't understand why she laughed at me after that."
Kyle's cousin Kyle.
His whiny, obnoxious, completely disgusting, and insanely annoying cousin.
"Oh, look, Kyle's back!" Kenny said in obvious relief. "Thank fucking god…"
Kyle's cousin turned around. Yup, it was definitely him all right, with that massive curly brown hair of his, and his huge, thick-framed glasses that made his eyes look a lot bigger than they were, and his mouth hanging open as he noisily breathed in and out.
Yeah, Kyle totally missed this kid so fucking much.
"Oh, there you are, cousin!" his cousin said in excitement as he got out of his seat and walked up to Kyle. "I've been looking everywhere for you! Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by a local drug stores to pick up some bandages, 'cause I got blisters on my fingers from holding my suitcase too long, and I couldn't walk around with those little cuts on my fingers, 'cause, you know, they could get infected, and I didn't bring my special ointment with me."
Kyle stared at him, a dumbfounded look on his face.
"That's…that's okay, dude," he said. "So, uh, how've you been? I haven't seen you in a while."
"Oh, I know, it's been terribly long, cousin!" Kyle's cousin said, reaching up to adjust his glasses. "I told Aunt Shaaayla and Uncle Gerry that I really should come visit you guys more often, and they said it sounded like a wonderful idea."
"That's nice," Kyle said, inwardly cringing at the mere thought of that. Honestly, seeing this kid once or twice a year was more than enough. A thought suddenly hit Kyle. "Hey, why don't you go say hello to Cartman?"
"What, you mean right now?" his cousin asked.
Kyle tried to hold back a smirk. "Yeah, right now is perfect."
"Well, all right, I suppose," his cousin said. He was just about to leave when Kyle stopped him.
"Dude, wait," he said, stealthily looking back and forth before leaning in to whisper something in his ear.
His cousin's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "But why?"
"Just do it," Kyle said impatiently.
His cousin headed off to find Cartman, who was walking in his direction, holding a plate piled high with food.
"Hello, there, Eric!" Kyle's cousin greeted cheerfully. "Remember me? Gosh, you got awfully tall since I last saw you. Have you been eating more protein or something? I really should do that…but, you know, I can't eat a lot of dairy products, 'cause they give me gaaas."
Cartman nearly dropped his plate of food.
"Oh. Kyle. It's so…nice to see you," he ground out, biting his tongue at the many insults he so desperately wanted to throw at him.
"Well, thanks, it's nice to see you too, Eric," Kyle's cousin said with a creepy, awkward smile on his face.
"Cool," Cartman said, still fighting back the insults. "Well, I'm just gonna go…sit down now…"
"Oh, all right. Do you need some help carrying your plate?" Kyle's cousin asked.
"No, no, I'm fine," Cartman said, taking a step to the side so he could walk around him.
"Are you sure? 'Cause, I mean, it looks pretty heavy," Kyle's cousin said. "I wouldn't want you to drop it and spill the food everywhere. Those stains would be really hard to get out of the carpet, you know."
"I'm fine," Cartman repeated sternly, growing more and more annoyed by the second.
"No, here, just let me…" Kyle's cousin reached for the plate and grabbed it with both hands. Cartman instinctively jerked the plate back, which unfortunately didn't work out in his favor as the food spilled all over him.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman screamed.
"Oh, Jaayzus!" Kyle's cousin said frantically, flailing his arms in the air. "Oh, geez, I'm terribly sorry, Eric! I didn't mean to do thaat!"
Cartman gave him an extremely deadly-looking glare before simply shoving the plate into the other boy's hands. He muttered obscenities to himself as he stormed off, heading towards the bathroom. Kyle's cousin simply stood there, staring down at the plate with a dumb look on his face, until his gaze landed on the floor.
"Oh, gawd, it's all over the carpet! Aunt Shaaayla!" he called out, clumsily running off to go find her.
Kyle, who'd been watching the whole time, caught Cartman stomping towards the bathroom, and he broke out into a sly smirk.
He waited until Cartman was no longer in sight before he casually made his way to the bathroom, trying his hardest to remain calm and hold himself together. He could feel his nerves building up with each step, the nervous energy getting increasingly more intense. He knew it was about to be unleashed in a matter of seconds, and the thought of what he was planning to do only made him feel more excited. He stopped when he reached the bathroom door, standing perfectly still for a moment as he took a deep breath.
Here goes nothing.
He reached for the doorknob, placing his hand on it and just leaving it there for a second, contemplating what he should do. Maybe he should knock first?
Nah, screw it.
With a new found sense of confidence, Kyle turned the doorknob, both surprised and relieved to see that it was actually turning. Wow, Cartman would forget to lock the door. Idiot. He heard some shuffling inside, and, without stopping to think, he pushed the door open all the way. His eyes practically lit up when he saw Cartman in all of his fatass glory, standing near the white porcelain sink, his brown suit jacket draped over his arm and the water running as he furiously scrubbed his tie, only to stop when he saw Kyle.
"WHAT THE FUCK, KAHL?" he shrieked, jumping backwards, his jacket falling off his arm and landing on the dirty floor as Kyle walked right in and closed the behind him.
"Quiet, fatass," he said in a surprisingly calm voice. "People are gonna hear you."
Cartman stared at him, wide-eyed and mouth agape, looking too shocked and scared to really be pissed off.
"Why the hell are you in here, Jew?" he managed to ask. "Seriously, the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you know how to knock?"
"Don't you know how to lock the fucking door?" Kyle asked. He reached behind his back to do just that, hoping that Cartman wouldn't notice the sound of the doorknob clicking.
"Well, would you mind fucking telling me just what the hell you think you're doing?" Cartman asked irately.
Kyle didn't say anything, though. Instead, he took a moment to look Cartman over, trying to study his every detail. His perfectly combed hair was now looking a lot more disheveled, the light brown strands sticking out in all different directions. His previously clean white shirt was completely stained, and his perfectly straightened tie hung loosely around his neck.
"Huh," Kyle said, suddenly noticing something. "We're wearing the exact same tie."
Cartman raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"Yeah, look," Kyle said as he untucked his own tie from his suit jacket and held it up to Cartman's. "Same color."
Cartman stared down at the matching ties for a few seconds before looking up at Kyle.
"So?" he asked.
Kyle shrugged, tucking his tie back in.
"I don't know," he said. "I just think it's kinda weird, is all."
"You're kinda weird, Jew," Cartman said. "Now, would you kindly get the fuck out of here? I have to clean myself up thanks to your fucking faggy cousin for making me drop my food all over myself."
Kyle folded his arms over his chest, a mischievous smirk dancing across his lips.
"Yeah, I don't think that stuff's gonna come out, Cartman," he said with a faint chuckle in his voice. His tone went completely serious when he said, "You should probably take your shirt off."
"Whoa, whoa, Kahl," he said hastily, holding up his hands and promptly backing away from him. He didn't exactly give himself much more space, though, since the bathroom wasn't very big. He only managed to end up successfully backing himself into a corner. His eyes grew even wider as Kyle walked towards him. "The fuck is going on with you, Jew? Seriously, are you coming on to me or something?"
Kyle stopped mere inches in front of him, the smirk never leaving his lips. He was so enjoying how freaked out Cartman looked right now.
It was kind of turning him on.
"Maybe," Kyle said in a suggestive tone.
"You're coming on to me?" Cartman said, emphasizing every single word, since his brain was having a lot of trouble wrapping around even the slightest possibility of that actually happening.
Oh, but it was. It definitely, definitely was.
Kyle uncrossed his arms and reached for Cartman's pants. The sudden touch of Kyle's hands on his waistband caused the larger boy to flinch violently.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME?" Cartman screamed, but one of Kyle's hands shot up to cover the taller boy's mouth.
"Shut up," Kyle hissed, his other hand sliding up to work on unbuttoning Cartman's shirt. He managed to get the first button open, which hadn't been an easy task, since the brunette was squirming around and screaming out muffled cries into his hand. "Goddammit, fatass, stop moving around so much. I'm trying to fucking help you here."
Cartman finally brought his own hand up, prying Kyle's smaller one off of his mouth.
"Help me?" he said. "HELP ME? You're trying to fucking rape me!"
Kyle couldn't help but roll his eyes then. "I'm not trying to rape you, stupid."
"Oh, oh, really?" Cartman asked, staring at Kyle with wild eyes. "Well, you know what?" Suddenly, Cartman's hands shot out and grabbed Kyle's belt. He looked the shorter boy right square in the eyes, a newly devious look on his face as he leaned in and said, "Two can play at that game, Kahl."
Kyle's eyes narrowed, a low growl escaping his lips. He felt a rush of adrenaline in his veins, and, acting out on the impulse, he threw himself at Cartman, forcing their lips together in a hot, angry kiss. Cartman's eyes shot open wider than ever before as he let out a surprised, stifled scream of protest into Kyle's mouth.
Kyle simply reached up with both hands and tangled his fingers into Cartman's silky hair. He pushed his lips even deeper into Cartman's, hoping the other boy would stop trying to fight him and just go with it already. He felt the tight grasp on his belt gradually loosen as Cartman's lips began moving against his own, much to Kyle's pleasant surprise.
He smirked into the kiss, his thin fingers running back and forth through Cartman's hair, loving how unbelievably fucking soft it felt. Cartman let out a deep moan, which, in turn, caused Kyle to moan, his sounding a lot higher, but also louder. He found himself losing his breath then, and he had no choice but to pull away for a moment, giving them both a chance to get some air.
They stared at each other, both completely silent, aside from the sounds of their heavy panting. Kyle watched in mild annoyance as the stunned look on Cartman's face somehow morphed into a much more evil-looking one.
"Wow, Kahl," he said in a his usual mocking tone, "you're a horny little Jew, aren't you? I mean, I know I'm totally irresistible, but–"
"Shut up," Kyle snapped. He dove forward, capturing Cartman's lips in yet another aggressive kiss. This time, however, his hands moved to cup Cartman's jaw. He felt Cartman's hands on his back, his huge body pressing into Kyle's much smaller one. Cartman took a few awkward steps away from the wall, and Kyle stumbled backwards, still refusing to break the kiss as his hand flew back to grab the sink.
Just as things were really starting to heat up, there was a loud knock on the door. The two boys broke apart, looking over at the door and then at each other.
"Kyyle? Are you in there?" Kyle's cousin asked. "Your mother is looking everywhere for you!"
"Shit," Kyle said. "I'd better go, fatass."
Cartman frowned. "What, you're just gonna leave me in here by myself?"
"Why, you want me to stay?" Kyle asked in a somewhat suspicious, somewhat amused tone.
Cartman's eyes widened again, giving him that fearful look that was so undeniably fucking hot.
"Well, I mean…that…that kiss, and that…that, uh…"
Kyle arched an eyebrow at him.
"You liked it, huh?" he asked, smirking.
"Pssh, no," Cartman said.
But Kyle knew he was lying.
"Well, thanks," he said as he headed for the door. "I've been practicing with Stan."
Cartman's mouth fell open, earning a laugh from Kyle.
"I'm kidding, dumbass," he said.
As he opened the door and walked out, leaving a shocked and confused Cartman behind, he couldn't help but think to himself:
Best. Birthday. Ever.