I'm not sure how many parts there will be to this, at least two I'm thinking. This is supposed to be funny and all the characters are in character enough to be recognisable but out of character enough to allow for laughs. I'm also re-writing Moonlight Viewing to make it less crap, i.e. add a real storyline and characterisation and with less stupidity. Keep an eye out for it.
I do not own anything to do with Naruto. This has naughty words and sexy talk.
It would have been difficult to say who was more unpleasantly surprised, Haruno Sakura or the five members of the Akatsuki, when she walked into the back-end of nowhere bar. There was a dead silence that even the drunks didn't dare break. The S-Class criminals had clearly been drinking in the sleazy bar for a while as not even Itachi could manage to shake the stupefied look off his face. Sakura meanwhile was just finished with an incredibly long and tiring mission and was not in the mood for this goddamnit. The silence seemed to stretch into eons and Kisame could feel the arm that was holding his drink up to his mouth starting to get cramped.
Finally Sakura snorted, shook her head and went over to the bar to ask about getting a room for the night. Not even looking back at the extremely dangerous men she headed up the stairs, determined to have a shower then drink herself insensible.
"She was fucking hot! Anyone catch what room she got?" Hidan leered in the direction she had just left. "What you giving me that look for Deidara? You'd bang her too!"
"You don't know who that is do you, you stupid shit?" Deidara was looking very much like he was going to blow something up. Possibly Sakura, possibly Hidan, maybe both.
Hidan just scoffed at him, with hair like that he had to be gay. Kakazu merely looked to Kisame; he was usually the sane one.
"Err ... " The large man paused, rifling through his fuzzy brain for where he might know the pink haired girl from.
"She was on my little brother's team, and she is the Godaime's apprentice, so she must be a medic."
Hidan rolled his eyes, even with a night's worth of drinks in him Itachi physically couldn't loosen himself up. Deidara was still glaring up the stairs so Hidan elbowed him hard in the ribs.
"Come on then blondie, if you know who the chick is, spill it."
"She's the one who killed Sasori-danna, yeah?" Kakazu made a grab for the large bottle of sake on the table when Deidara slammed his hand down, almost shouting in Hidan's face.
Instead of this information putting Hidan on guard like it did to the other members of the group it seemed to entertain him judging by the lecherous grin spreading over his face.
"So she's a feisty one eh? Be honest then, do you think she puts out?"
Kakazu felt as though he couldn't roll his eyes hard enough at the things that came out of his partner's mouth. This feeling increased when he realised Kisame seemed to be giving the question some serious consideration seeing as how he was squinting in the direction Sakura had left. Itachi was thinking along the same lines as the bounty hunter because Kisame almost spat out a mouthful of drink when he caught a sharp elbow in the ribs. Deidara shook his head and downed a large glass; it wasn't that he really missed his former partner but it was more the fact he felt as though Sakura shouldn't have been able to kill him.
Hidan was going over the possibility of threatening the owner to get her room number and then busting in. He was immortal after all, so the chance he might end up like Sasori was remote. Besides she had looked strung out and angry as hell when she came in and there was no better cure for that than some rough enemy-fucking. Hidan didn't realise he was grinning lasciviously but most of the other patrons of the bar were inching their tables away just in case he was thinking about them. On the other hand he was rather enjoying drinking with the boys, something they didn't get to do often enough. What was that phrase? Oh yeah 'bros before hoes'. Plus he'd been told by the leader to keep a very low profile and surely shagging a leaf kunoichi in a bar would get him in trouble. Particularly as she sounded as if she'd put up a fight.
His musings were interrupted when the main feature of them walked down the stairs again with her wet hair tied up. Hidan cursed, if he had gone and bust in earlier he could have caught her in the shower. Looking slyly at his fellows he could see that similar thoughts were passing through their heads. Well, with maybe the exception of Itachi.
"It is foolish to shower with an enemy so close." Even Kisame, Itachi's staunch supporter, couldn't help rolling his eyes at Itachi's straight-laced attitude. Even Deidara who was pissed off over the death of his partner and subsequent attachment to Tobi was giving her an appraising look.
"Oh shut up red-eyes, you wouldn't know fun if it -" A warning glance from Kakazu stopped Hidan in what was bound to have been a filthy metaphor.
Sakura had taken a seat at the bar and had struck up a casual conversation with the bartender who looked at her strangely before placing down beside her one of the largest bottles of sake the joint served. Pouring herself a glass she stretched out and began reading a scroll pulled from her thigh pouch. Itachi was instantly interested.
Hidan was less interested. "Oh great, she's a geek. Still, bet I could teach her a thing or two!" He waggled his eyebrows. "You know what I mean?"
"Hidan, the bottle of sake knows what you mean." Kakazu wondered for the millionth time why fate was so cruel to him as to have Hidan as a partner.
"Oh please stitches, when was the last time you got any?"
Kisame and Deidara stopped looking at Sakura in favour of trying to stop this particular line of conversation going any further. Whenever the topic of sex came up Hidan could not be stopped from regaling them with all of his many exploits. The man sure was into some weird stuff.
However before they could convince (i.e. utilise physical violence) Hidan not to talk Kakazu merely smirked. This put everyone on guard, even Itachi who had been preoccupied trying to figure out what the kunoichi was reading. Kakazu only smirked when one of three conditions were met: when he was about to kill someone who annoyed him, when he was collecting a particularly profitable bounty, and finally when he was about to say something that would enrage the Jashinist. Deidara, Kisame and Itachi braced while Sakura looked over crossly as she felt the tension in the room escalate.
"Well Hidan, you know that blonde 'fit bitch' you, and I quote, 'wouldn't mind showing the real staff of Jashin?'" There was a very unfeminine snort from the bar but it was ignored. "Let's just say stitches were very much her thing." Kakazu knew he had hit a nerve, Hidan had spent that entire mission trying to get into her pants but Kakazu was one smooth motherfucker if he did say so himself.
Hidan's hand twitched and for a brief moment there was complete silence in the bar. Deidara was looking worriedly at the tick developing on the Jashinist's forehead while Kisame had the excellent forethought to quietly gather up their drinks and slide his chair back from the table. No one even dared breathe and for a second it looked like Hidan could be calmed down but Kakazu had put up with enough bullshit from him during their past mission and he was going to enjoy this moment.
"Did you know she had a tattoo, Hidan? It started mid-thigh and went all the way up to her –"
Kakazu was cut off by Hidan's roar of "YOU BASTARD!" and by his flipping over of the table in his effort to attack his partner.
Unfortunately one of the drunks at the next table was attempting to flee the blast radius when his lack of co-ordination sent him tottering backwards right into Hidan's way. Infuriated at something coming between him and the much needed delivery of an ass-kicking he pulled a fist back, ready to drop the guy and get back to murdering Kakazu. However suddenly he realised that his hand had stopped, before hitting the drunk. Ready to fucking take-down whoever it was that was interfering (if it was that do-goody Uchiha again he was going rip him a new one) he opened his mouth to yell but stopped when he realised that the hot chick was holding his wrist in a grip that rivalled Kisame's and the drunk by the collar with the other hand. Again silence descended over the bar. Hidan was torn between fucking her shit up and just fucking her. Kakazu was mildly interested that she had got him to shut up. Kisame had righted the table and was laying out their drinks again, wishing he had some snacks for watching the events unfold. Deidara was beginning to realise how this woman had stood up to his Danna, she didn't look like she took any shit. Itachi was already going over how he could possibly explain this to the leader in his mind.
"Look, you two can go back to arguing like a fucking old married couple but leave the goddamn civvies out of it, understand?" Sakura emphasised her point by increasing the pressure on Hidan's wrist and glaring at Kakazu.
Kakazu was mildly impressed by this slip of a girl who had managed to cover the distance from the bar to Hidan in a fraction of a second as well as being brave (stupid?) enough to interfere with the Akatsuki.
Hidan was in love. Not only was she hurting him in a delightful way but hearing swear-words come out of her pretty mouth was doing funny things to his insides (and parts of his outside, if he was honest).
The other three kept looking at each other wondering how this stand-off was going to resolve itself. In the end it was Sakura who finished it. She pushed the drunk away to his friends, released Hidan's wrist and announced to the rest of the bar that everything was under control. When the other patrons began talking uneasily amongst themselves Sakura addressed the group when she noticed Deidara was about to open his mouth.
"No! I'm fucking tired, hungry and pissed off. All I want to do is have a drink, have something to eat and go to bed. I couldn't care less what you guys are up to and I do not want you to bother me, clear?"
Taking in the rather shell shocked appearance of the five men she nodded and attempted to go back to her seat at the bar. Sakura realised that she was taking her life in her hands but frankly she didn't care so long as she got to lie down soon. Therefore when Hidan grabbed her upper arm to stop her from leaving she couldn't help the words that came out, born of frustration and bone-deep weariness.
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know they let deaf fuckers into Akatsuki, or were you just not listening?"
Hidan just pulled her closer and took a deep breath to get the smell of her still-wet hair. "Goddamn bitch, swear at me again, it makes you fucking hot, seriously!"
Sakura took a long, appraising look at him before looking to his friends to confirm if he was actually the crazy rapist he was appearing to be. Kisame just shrugged, Kakazu rolled his eyes and Deidara was giving her an odd look, as if his opinion of her was being changed. She didn't risk looking at Itachi, 72 hours of torture was not high on her to-experience list. Looking back at Hidan she did have to admit if he wasn't a homicidal maniac crossed with a hyper-sexed jerk he'd be hot. Still, she was in no way going to stay in this crazy situation because of her hormones. Pulling her arm back quickly from his grasp she told him that he was a freak and that she was going to finish her drink and go to bed.
"Alone!" When she saw Hidan's face light up.
Straightening her ruffled top she nodded at the other men and made her way back over to the bar to be fussed over by the barman when he saw the hand imprint forming around her bicep.
The Akatsuki members slowly gathered around the table again but the only topic of conversation was Sakura. Hidan kept casting her longing looks that she studiously ignored. Itachi was extremely relieved that there had been no damage done and their low profiles were relatively intact. Deidara was looking thoughtful, "What's her name again?"
Kisame rubbed his chin, "It's something stupidly generic isn't it? Like Hana or something?"
"I think Hatake mentioned it was Sakura." Itachi replied, refilling his cup.
"Her parents must have been extremely unimaginative." Kakazu may not have been an artist like the blonde but he still found her name to be dull and obvious.
"Heh, what does it matter what she's called? What's more important is what she'll be calling me when I get my hands on her!" Hidan grinned, missing the way Sakura's hand clenched menacingly as his deep voice carried across the bar.
"I thought Jashin disapproved of rapists." Itachi was the only one in the organisation who didn't immediately shut-down when Hidan started talking about his religion.
Hidan glared at him, being one of the few unfazed by the sharingan – Itachi had been extremely shocked that Hidan had enjoyed the three solid days of torture and then asked for another go later – "I am not a goddamn rapist! Someone as fucking sexy as me does not have to force anyone! "
"She doesn't seem that into you, yeah." Deidara was hoping beyond hope that Hidan was going to make an ass of himself so they could see what the little spit-fire was really made of. Sasori loved pretty things, so maybe being finished off by Sakura wasn't so bad. She certainly proved that eternally lasting art wasn't superior, judging by the destroyed puppets surrounding their battle scene.
"Oh she is, I can tell. Stupid leaf ninjas tend to be loyal to their stupid village though, no offence red-eyes."
"None taken, Hidan. Do you have your copy of the newest bingo book with you Kisame?"
Kisame rifled through the pack at his feet, eventually finding the small book tucked in a side-pocket. He began flicking through it but he wasn't sure if she would even be in it and voiced this concern.
"She involved herself in Akatsuki business and walked away unscathed. We've killed people for a hell of a lot less than breaking up a fight and cheeking us the way she did. She's obviously confident." Kakazu was impressed by her behaviour, Hidan usually killed people who acted the way she did rather than lust after them.
"Aha! Here she is, although I gotta admit I'm real surprised, she doesn't look like much does she?" Kisame flipped the book round so they could see the picture of the pink-haired woman, Konoha forehead-protector holding back her hair rather than lying loosely around her neck as it was now.
Hidan leaned back in his chair to get a better look at her, "Read it out, man."
"Haruno Sakura, age 20, trained under the copy-ninja Hatake Kakashi, the second apprentice of the legendary Sannin Tsunade the fifth Hokage of Konoha-gakure. Perfectly balanced chakra control, excellent medical talents, genjutsu specialist, super-strength. Responsible for the death of Akatsuki member Akasuna no Sasori, approach with extreme caution..." Kisame looked over at the bar and whistled through his teeth, no wonder she was confident enough to face the Akatsuki to save a drunk's life. She wasn't S-class yet but she was only twenty, if she continued at the same rate she soon would be.
"Everything alright Itachi?"
Itachi was looking rather confused, however due to his genetics it came across as little more than a slight line between his eyebrows. "Yes Kisame, I was just remembering something my dearest otouto said. Last time I saw him he was under the impression that she was an incompetent ninja."
"Well let's face it, yeah, your brother isn't that interested in anything with a vagina is he?" Deidara couldn't decide whether he hated Itachi or Sasuke more, although he had to admit, these pub outings were warming him to the elder.
"I don't understand your meaning?"
"Sasuke's as gay as the day is long, is what he means. If she was on my team when I was a hormonal teenager I certainly wouldn't have run off to be kiddy-fiddled by the snake-bastard."
"You still do all your thinking with your dick Hidan."
"Yeah, and I'm still smarter than you fuckers, seriously!"
Sakura couldn't help the smirk that crossed her face listening to the S-class criminals banter back and forth. If only there was some way to tell her friends back in Konoha that she had five of the most dangerous men in the country reading her bingo-book entry and discussing her skills. Unfortunately she would have to explain why she didn't at least try to put up a fight (although, taking on one Akatsuki was usually suicide, never mind five). She would also have to explain why they, especially Itachi, didn't try to get any information out of her and then dispose of her. There might also be a few eyebrows raised about why the feared immortal priest was desperately trying to get into her knickers. Still, she smiled as she finished her last cup of sake, they would probably be gone in the morning. Paying her tab to the astonished barman, who couldn't believe such a small woman had put away such a huge bottle with seemingly no ill effects, she started to move to the stairs.
Of course today wasn't her day; this week hadn't been her week in fact. As soon as she put her foot on the first step towards a comfy bed for the night three sound-nins swaggered into the bar. The stopped on the threshold and scanned the room, thinking they were making a dramatic entrance. They hadn't turned far enough right to notice the Akatsuki when they caught sight of Sakura's distinctive pink hair. They smirked at each other and began to come towards her, through the bar. Sakura felt their stupid, cocky looks on the back of her neck and sighed heavily. Turning around and facing them she began counting the ways she could get out of this without injuring anyone other than these idiots. She needn't really have worried though, sound ninjas were notorious in these parts and the other patrons were slowly backing away from any potential trouble. She couldn't help but smirk at the fact the five men in the corner were a thousand times more dangerous than these three but the drunks didn't seem to realise it. She quickly gauged their chakra and estimated they were around chunnin level but you could never be sure what with the crazy experiments that went down in Sound.
The 'leader' of this little band pointed at her, "So, what's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?"
Sakura felt her jaw drop slightly. This was obviously a tactic of some sort; no one ever used that line un-ironically, did they? Even the drunks were hard pressed to hold back grins of mixed amusement and embarrassment.
The ninja seemed rather taken aback by her incredulous reaction. Surely he wasn't expecting her to fall over him with a shitty line like that? The women in Sound must be desperate or terribly ugly. Judging by that red-haired terror Sasuke had managed to saddle himself with last time she saw him it was probably both. The man's two cohorts looked at each other rather nervously behind his back, perhaps stunned that their leader's smooth techniques weren't working.
Sakura's brain finally stopped trying to work out what the 'underneath of the underneath' was in this situation. "Are you fucking serious?"
There was an odd noise that sounded a like a strangled groan followed by the sound of someone being slapped on the back of the head from the Akatsuki table but everyone ignored it.
Realising Sakura clearly wasn't going to be swept off her feet by his skills with words alone the head of the group decided to step it up with his physical presence. He was well over six foot and towered over her much smaller frame, however his imposing physique didn't seem to be having the intended effect either. The woman was giving him a look so hard it could have burnt through concrete; she didn't like people trying to push her about. Therefore when the ninja lost his temper and attempted to grab her and pull her up the stairs he shouldn't have been surprised when she shot a hand out and crushed the bones in his forearm before dropping him to the floor and watching him write in agony. The other two looked back and forth between her and their leader torn between wanting to help him up and wanting to avoid being anywhere near her.
However orders are orders and when their leader managed to pull himself to standing and ordered that all three of them were going to subdue her and 'teach her a lesson' they had to fall into attacking positions. Leader cradled his destroyed arm and leered at her, "We're gonna make you beg for this to stop." Sakura probably didn't help his anger problem by rolling her eyes at this statement but was very surprised that when he lunged at her it wasn't her that hit him so hard he went slamming into the bar with a sickening crack.
"Oh HELL no! The only one gonna be teaching this bitch a lesson is me!"
Sakura stared at the priest who had despatched her would-be attacker with little to no effort. He turned and grinned down at her, "A lesson you'll fucking love, seriously!"
She glanced over to the other Akatsuki and found that they had slapped their hands to their foreheads, at this moment ashamed to be seen with the embarrassingly flamboyant Jashinist. Rubbing her eyes she couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous the entire scenario was.
"Thank you for ... er ... rescuing me. What's your name again?" Sakura shook her head as the other two ninjas tried to wake up their fallen comrade.
"Hidan, and don't you fucking forget it bitch!"
"Yeah, Sakura." She was slightly distracted by the fact the ninjas were yanking their leader to his feet when it was obvious from over here that he had several broken ribs. She was pulled out of this by Hidan grabbing her hand, "Fucking charmed, seriously!"
Sakura finally cracked and smiled widely at him, for an S-class criminal bent on destroying her home and killing her best friend, he wasn't all bad. He gave her an answering grin and she couldn't deny that he had a killer smile to add to his movie-star good looks. Their little moment was interrupted by Kakazu's rough voice, "Come on Hidan, you can get your dick wet some other time."
Hidan whirled round to glare at his friends and demand they stop cock-blocking him when the ninjas staggered out the door shouting that this wasn't over and that they'd be back. Sakura rolled her eyes and yawned, pulling her hand out of Hidan's.
"What the fuck ever, if they come back you guys can handle them right?" Sakura crossed her arms and resisted the urge to smile at the assorted men. When they nodded, still unsure of how to deal with this crazy situation they found themselves in; she waved and began walking to her room again. Praying no one was going to get in her way again she was extremely pleased when she was able to close her door and fall face down on the bed, with no intention of moving again for a long time.
"I hate you Kakazu. See if I ever play your wingman again." Hidan was moping around since his moment had been disrupted.
Itachi rolled his eyes, "Forget about the kunoichi Hidan. We have more important things to do than lust after enemy women."
"Now I see where Sasuke gets it from..."
The other males at the table laughed aloud at Deidara's muttered aside and clinked their glasses. This evening had certainly not been boring.
"Hey, bitch, wake up!"
"What the fuck are you doing in here Hidan!"
"Shut up you dumb bitch! We're in trouble..."