And here we are; the end of the road. Sad faces all around my friends! I get the distinct feeling that I won't be able to let these characters go this easily though, they are now pretty much officially canon for me. I think what will come next is probably a series of one shots with them or something similar. Would you chaps be interested in something like that?
I can't tell you how much I've loved your support over the course of this story and I'm so grateful for everyone who's taken the time to read this drivel. You're all amazing and wonderful and gold stars for everyone!
See you all on the flip side and whatnot,
I hope this letter finds you well and hopefully not suffering from quite as many idiotic underlings as I am. Konan and I were greatly amused to read of your latest trouble with that fool of a bijuu container that has taken to calling himself your strongest ninja. Even the cretins I employ only manage to cause international incidents when that's what they actually set out to do. How is the Water Daimyo now anyway? Word is that such a scare wasn't unusual given his heart condition.
In regards to our enemy status, it was unfortunate that several of your leaf-nin were also trying to retrieve that scroll. Kisame tells me that he had nothing to do with the way Itachi dealt with them as he was too busy trying to stop the dam from bursting and flooding the temple, with him and your ninjas inside. Itachi was extremely quiet on the matter and didn't bring it up at his performance review meeting which makes me think that your ninjas provoked him. They should consider themselves very lucky that the idiot boy is scared enough of Sakura to merely incapacitate them, even if his methods have made them the laughing stock of your village. I also hope you appreciate the heroic effort it took to stop Deidara destroying one of your camps near the Grass border after one of your underlings joked about his hair. That boy is more invested in his hair than anyone else on the planet and the asking whether he and Orochimaru had the same hairdresser is usually a death sentence. If Kakuzu hadn't been in the area there would just be a smoking crater where your information post used to be. I believe you witnessed his skills first hand when he was in Konoha playing hero. Speaking of Kakuzu I would have thought it would have been obvious that unless you have a substantial bounty he is mostly bark and no bite. Honestly, if a group of your ANBU get that scared by the threat of having their hearts torn out you need to retrain them. I believe the less we say about Hidan the better. Suffice to say he is the biggest embarrassment this organisation has ever employed and if it wasn't for the fact that he is terrifyingly effective at what he does he would be out to the job centre before he could open his stupid mouth.
In response to your continued queries, yes, Sakura is fine. I will attach her letters to this post as usual once I have read through them all. Before you start thinking of giving me any attitude it is just as well that I am the one who reads them. Madara would have throttled her if he'd seen the way she described him in one of her previous missives. Even if he were 'a dementia-addled old pervert' that's certainly not the sort of thing that should be spread to enemy villages. I assure you that your apprentice is as annoying as ever. We had to replace a whole bathroom after she punched Hidan through the wall. Usually that wouldn't be a problem but she destroyed the boiler meaning there was no hot water on the fourth floor for nearly a week. I'm attaching the repair bill to this letter and expect you to wire the money in full. You authorised her to come 'spy' on us so you have to foot the bill of any destruction she causes.
I would also like to take issue with the fact that she is causing tension between Deidara and Hidan by refusing to choose between them. Thankfully those two are almost never allowed on missions together (such stupidity does not need to be compounded by having any sort of encouragement) but it does make meetings and meal times extremely annoying. When confronted on the matter all I received from her was a bored look and the explanation 'it's not my problem, it's theirs'. I would like to disagree as were it not for her extremely aggravating presence things around this organisation would go back to normal. I wish you to say as much in your reply to her and encourage her to come back to you. In other more worrying news it appears that Itachi has grown some ridiculous scruffy facial hair that most men manage to surpass by the end of puberty. When I questioned Kisame about it he seemed rather more pleased about it than I feel the situation warrants and wandered away whistling a tune that sounded very much like 'how many roads must a man walk down'. I would appreciate it if you would pass on any information about the Uchihas that you may have so I can get to the root of Itachi's problem. I have seldom been so disturbed as to walk in on a seven foot tall blue shark man teaching a grown man how to shave in the bathroom.
I would be extremely grateful if you would find some way to deal with Itachi's younger brother as he and his band of merry cretins has been skulking about trying to cause trouble. Itachi has unfailing patience with them but I assure you he is the only one. As I understand Sasuke used to be friends with your little protégé, why not facilitate that relationship? Konoha is, after all, much better equipped at dealing with reject ninja than an elite organisation such as my own. I will gladly bundle them up and deliver them to you, minus perhaps the large one who has some potential. Juugo, Sakura informs me his name is. The rest are all yours and Kisame assures me that any damage done to the 'wannabe swordsman' would not trouble him in the slightest.
In addition I would also like to draw your attention to the following plans that were in the pocket of a Konoha ninja that was attempting to sneak into the village. I have circled the most egregious errors and would encourage you to fire the person feeding you this information. I would like to take issue with several points; the most pressing being that this is our home as much as it is an evil stronghold and very few people build their homes in an active volcano. I don't believe there even is an active volcano in the nearby area. Secondly our sewer system is extremely modern and put in at great expense – there are no ancient passageways or any lurking underwater monsters unless you feel Kisame counts. Thirdly we don't have any wells for you to poison. Believe me when I say that shortage of water is rarely a problem in this village. Sakura was quite annoyed that this seemed to be your plan as had your ninjas had any idea what they were doing (a laughable notion I admit, but still) they may well have poisoned her as well. Expect to find a lengthy diatribe about the matter in her letter to you.
In addition to the various bills Sakura has racked up during her time here I also enclose details of some of the Sound bases that we have found. We believe they are the Orochimaru's labs which is why they have been so difficult to locate. There are bound to be some particularly grim discoveries to be made but as there are sure to be nasty seals to keep ninjas out we haven't explored them. I do not doubt you will have a hard time keeping your number one team of idiots away from them and I shall keep an eye on the obituaries section after I have sent this missive. Shall I simply send the condolence flowers to your office?
In closing I wish to thank you once again for burdening me with your apprentice and destroying what little hope for peace and quiet I had. Really, words cannot express my gratitude. You may use this hawk to reply, Hidan seriously dislikes your slug messengers, but I suggest you keep all other summons or familiars away from him. He has something of an appetite and as far as I'm aware Kisame still doesn't know what happened to the contents of his aquarium.