Cause and Effect
Incredibly loud rain beat on the roof of my house like someone was throwing rocks at us from above. The sun was barely showing, but it was out.
I lay back in my bed staring at the ceiling, last night's drama still playing in my head.
Never in a million years would I have pictured myself kissing Jacob Black. But there I was; pressing him up against the driver side window in the cab of my truck, kissing him passionately.
Where is this coming from? Am I really doing this? I thought to myself. My brain was thinking that but my lips and hands wouldn't stop moving. Jacob's composure was surprising to me. Yes he was kissing me back. But his back was ramrod against the door, his hands stiff at the small of my back. I had a feeling his eyes were wide open. Sure enough, I open my eyes to see him staring straight back at me like he was scared.
"Jake, I'm so sorry. I don't know what just came over me. You smell so good and your lips, they just looked so soft and warm..." He put his finger to my lips to stop me from talking. His eyes, face and whole body went soft. Ah, there he is. That's my Jacob, the face I loved too much. Now I really felt it. I love Jacob.
"Bella, honey, you just blew my mind! So many times I wished, prayed for you to want to kiss me. You have no idea how happy I am at this moment."
A shy, but genuine smile came to my face. That would be my mission in this new life. Make Jacob as happy as he makes me. His hands were holding my cheeks now. He rubbed them softly with his warm thumbs, and kissed me again oh so softly. What was that, my heart? It felt warm, in the cold hole that was my chest. The smallest of small beats over whelmed me. It has been so long since I felt anything other than the festering edges of the hole. I felt a tear well up and trickle down my cheek rolling onto his fingers. He looked at the tiny bit of water on his fingers, and before he could think they were tears of sadness, I told him, "I do know how happy you are. I'm right there with you." And we kissed again.
We both giggled and seen Charlie drive around the corner. I turned to Jake and said "Thank you, for saving my life Jacob."
"That's what I'm here for Bells."
Just then my heart fluttered uncontrollably. If only he knew in how many ways he was saving me.
Charlie, Jake and I all hugged each other on the porch, remembering what had happened to Harry earlier in the day. We invited Jacob in for dinner, but he nicely declined saying at a time like this he should go be with Billy and the Clearwaters.
Charlie looked around the street and asked "Where's the rabbit? Do you need a ride?"
"No thanks, Embry's on his way to get me" Jake flashed me a wink. I knew as soon as Charlie and I were in the house he would just morph and run home. Charlie went inside first, I turned to say goodbye to Jake and his face was worried.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I'm afraid to leave and have this day come to an end. Although it's been a crazy day, I'm afraid your feelings will change when you're alone and have time to think."
He knew me all too well. But I didn't feel like this was going to change. I felt changed already. I took a step to him and grabbed his hand and put it on my heart. "I haven't felt my heart beat so strong in... a while. It feels good, and I don't want that to change."
We smiled at each other then he took my hand and kissed the top of it. "Will I see you tomorrow?" He asked. My smile said it all, and he was off, running into the woods.
Before I could close the door, I heard a howl that sounded like pure happiness.
When I got inside I quickly made Charlie and I some cold cuts. I asked Charlie if he would need anything else the rest of the night, and when he said no I excused myself to take a shower and head to bed.
Without Jacob around I felt cold again. The shower was helping so I sat down in the tub to let the hot water beat on my legs. Now that I was alone, I thought about what I'd just gotten myself into. My actions, my kissing him, made it official. He was now my Jacob, but that meant I was now his Bella. These thoughts did two things to me. First it made me sad, second it made me cry.
I was sad because as much as I loved Jake and he loved me Jacob could never have all of me. I could never truly be his Bella. And I cried because the other half of me, the half that could hold true love, was gone. It was gone with the one I truly loved. After my trip into the water earlier this today, it was easier to think of him. My gut turned with the thoughts of how Edward would have felt about my cliff jumping, and my kissing Jacob. I was torn. Yes the Edward voice in my head had told me to "be happy" just moments before our kiss. But I couldn't be happy knowing, Jacob was not Edward. That did it. The hole was now festering again.
I cried until I realized ice cold water was now showering on me. All the lights in the house were off, I noticed as I walked to my room. I threw on some sweats and a sweater. My room and bed seemed just as cold as the shower. I curled up and covered myself up to my ears. My mind seemed so full, yet I couldn't put any real thoughts together. I didn't even realize I was crying still. With every blink the tears came rushing down my face. I closed my eyes waiting for sleep. I just knew my nightmares tonight would be horrible.
Horrible was not the right word for the images in my dream. Impossible was better. As I drifted to sleep, the Edward voice came to my head. "Your happiness is my happiness. Isabella Marie, I love you, live happy." I'd never had a dream like this before. Edward and his beautiful emerald green eyes stared at me in a room full of people. People I knew and loved watched me as I walked slowly to my new husband's side. He took me in his arms and spun me around. Looking into his eyes was melting me to my heart. His hands were warm, and as I lay my head against his chest letting him lead us in our fist dance as husband and wife. I could hear and feel his heart beating, alive and beating with love for me. And we danced and danced into forever.
The rain had not let up one bit. And the sun had gone back behind the clouds. Today was the first day in a long time I hadn't woke screaming. So it looked dark enough outside that I could go back to sleep. I really was afraid I hadn't woken yet and the nightmare was still to come. When the phone started ringing I figured I'd let Charlie answer. But by the fourth ring I guessed he must have left already. My blankets fell to the ground as I flew up and down the stairs.
"Good morning sunshine" the voice on the other line said.
"Hello ." I thought it was funny.
"I've got a question for ya" Jake said.
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"Well it's the last day of spring break, and I was wondering if I could take you on a date?" He went very quiet, listening to my breathing.
Oh, well, here we go. This is it, do or die. I decided, I can't hold on to a dream that is never going to come true. Romeo was gone, never coming back. And I have my own personal Paris to fill the void.
"Jacob, I would love to go on a date with you."
"SWEET! We will do something new. I'll pick you up around five-ish?"
"Sounds like a date."
"Great, see ya later sweetness"
"Good bye Jake."