Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
A/N: A million apologies for the late update. I had a massive, acute and sudden attack of writer's block. In an effort to make up for this I have made the final chapter longer and more perverted than before. Hope you enjoy.
"Captain Hitsugaya, are you sure you can get into that space? It's kind of tight and you're a small man."
"Matsumoto, how many times do I have to tell you that when you're lying on your back height is no longer an issue?"
"Yes Captain, but in a situation like this don't you wish you had an extra three inches, maybe four?"
"What man doesn't wish he had an extra three or four inches in a situation like this? But I think it's the position that's really making it difficult."
"Oh don't try to blame it on the position. It's because you're small."
"What! You know with all that talk you can just do it yourself!"
"I have been doing it myself for years and I always get it done faster than you."
"This isn't a race!"
"That's true. Speed is definitely not in your favour here, Captain. I mean you're small and you're fast. That's good in a battle, but now..."
"Yes, I know. I have to turn my hands slow and get in deep. Matsumoto, you think I don't know what I'm doing?"
"It didn't look so..." She muttered. "For a second there I thought you needed directions."
"Matsumoto!" He growled.
"Oh my god, Captain! I think – I think that – oh my goodness! Captain! Captain! Captain! Oh God!"
"Goddamit Matsumoto! I told you to tell me in advance! Oh yuck! Uggh! Now I got it all in my mouth."
It was about this time that the Hell butterfly gracefully fluttered into Matsutmoto's bathroom where Captain Hitsugaya lay wedged in the space between the toilet and the bath where he had just finished unscrewing the flush valve of the toilet tank and where his Lieutenant stood above him, as usual being useless while he did all the work. Captain Hitsugaya rose up spitting out toilet water as he extended his hand to receive the message from the Hell Butterfly who at that moment, like Hitsugaya, wished that it was pinned to a frame and mounted on some Englishman's wall; anywhere but here in other words.
"Ugh! Matsumoto next time, don't call me to fix your toilet, okay!"
"Jeez. You do know the water in the tank is clean, right? What does the message say?"
"It says that we all have an emergency meeting at the Captain Commander's office now. Let's just hurry up and go."
Matsumoto and Hitsugaya walked into the Captain Commander's office to see pockets of high level Shinigami hanging around in corners while they awaited the presence of the Captain Commander. They entered just in time to hear this snippet of conversation between Yumichika and Ikkaku.
"Aye, I heard that that Grimmjow Espada made The Seretei Communications' Number One Sexiest Soul Alive or Dead poll this year." Yumichika casually mentioned as he flicked through the latest issue of the magazine.
"Eh heh?" Ikkaku said as he idly inspected his zanpakutou. "Last year it was Captain Kuchiki, followed by Ichigo, then Renji then Captain Hitsugaya, then Hisagi followed by Urahara and that Quincy guy."
Everyone turned to look at him as they gave him a collective, hairline-touching eyebrow pop.
"Not that I pay attention to that kinda thing." Ikkaku hastily added while Yumichika nearly bit his tongue off in an effort not to laugh out loud.
"Order, order." Came the booming voice of the Captain Commander and everyone focused their attentions on him. "Presently, Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki are in Hueco Mundo. Kurosaki is on a mission where he is undercover as Aizen's fuck-buddy with the sole purpose of taking down – I mean, going down on – no, I mean, I always get it mixed up. He's there to take down and not go down on, Aizen."
"All by himself?" Captain Soi Fon asked in genuine incredulity.
"Kuchiki-san is with him." Captain Ukitake answered.
"Again, I ask, all by himself?"
"Hey! Rukia's quite the capable Shinigami." Ukitake defended.
"Really? What are her skills besides needing Ichigo to save her and being able to take part in the curling finals at the Winter Olympics with her zanpakutou?"
"What's Curling?" Captain Kyoraku asked.
"Curling is an Olympic sport where players slide stones across a sheet of ice towards a target area." Lieutenant Ise Nanao answered.
"And that's a sport! In the Olympics!"
"Is that like the ghetto version of the Winter Olympics?" Lieutenant Iba inquired.
"Curling? Sounds about as fun as pushing stones on the ice, which well, we know is not fun, but actually quite lame. Kinda like Rukia, no?" Soi Fon said.
"Excuse me, but Kuchiki-san could – she's quite skilled at – Wow. She's quite useless, isn't she?" Lieutenant Sasakibe ended lamely.
"You should talk," muttered Hisagi in a sotto voice, "What? You have like two fanfics in your name? You were last seen being useful when Ichigo used you as a punching bag when he first came to rescue Rukia."
Sasakibe never got a chance to respond (I suppose thus reiterating Hisagi's point of how easily ignored Sasakibe is), since he was cut off by Captain Ukitake.
"What are you talking about? There have been a number of times that she has had to save Ichigo."
"Oh come on she can't be trusted with that. She went to save Ichigo and his family from one, yes ONE hollow and look how that ended. She gave him all of his powers and somehow Ichigo ended up gay." Soi Fon contended.
"Well –wait, what? Ichigo's not gay."
"You got any proof that he's not?" Soi Fon queried.
"Of course." Ikkaku stepped up saying. "He could never be bent what with that warm bright orange hair that reminds you of comforting and warm pumpkin pie, the way that his muscles ripple when he swings his zanpakutou, which is the biggest zanpakutou that I've ever seen; the way that he casually passes his hands through his hair when he's frustrated, the way that his school pants hug his thighs and butt and the way that his school shirt is so fitted that the buttons are in danger of becoming projectiles and letting the world be privy to that toned chest and stomach with abs that are hard enough to grate cheese on and those inviting chocolate orbs –"
"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, Ichigo's not gay." Ikkaku again hastily murmured before he sat down again.
"Okay, I believe that Ichigo is not gay, but as for other people...I won't name names..." Captain Kyoraku said with a sly smile as he looked pointedly at Ikkaku.
"Whatever. Ichigo's all man, okay. He's so much man that he doesn't want any more man in his life." Captain Ukitake defended.
"Would you people shut the hell up! We have a task to do!" Hitsugaya shouted.
"Alright Gotei 13 let's ship out and take down that fairy Aizen!" Kenpachi grinned as he got up.
"Hey! You really shouldn't use such derogatory remarks in relation to the homosexual community. That's offensive!" Kira demanded.
"Oh no, no." Hisagi was quick to clarify. "He really is a fairy. He's got the wings and all. He's like Tinkerbell, but with a mullet."
"Oh. Umm, well...in that case...Let's go take down that fairy!"
"Come again?" Captain Unohana asked.
"Ichigo's probably saying that same thing right about now." Yumichika muttered.
"Ichigo's not gay!" Captain Ukitake vehemently defended.
"What's that sound?" Captain Ukitake cried.
"That would be the vultures of foreshadowing. Ark! Ark!" said Hisagi.
The vultures of foreshadowing were busy circling the incriminating evidence of Ichigo's sexuality as Aizen lowered his head to Ichigo's pelvic area and while Ichigo took a deep breath and bravely and unabashedly shouted in a voice that dropped at least three octaves,
"Tsugi no mai, Hakuren."
A massive and powerful wave of ice shot towards Ichigo and Aizen. Unfortunately Aizen leapt out of the way a moment too soon and Ichigo's lower half was left to take the brunt of Rukia's Shikai. Rukia stood there in shock that for the second time she came to Ichigo's aid and has indeed made the situation worse.
"Ah yes, so this is what the pitter patter of little feats sound like." Aizen mused as Rukia struggled not to look at Ichigo who was strapped to the bed, lower half encased in ice, his face etched with a look of frozen terror and shock.
"Kuchiki Rukia, I hope that it was not your intention to save Ichigo from being my sexual slave," Aizen continued as he flicked, not his hair this time, but one of his butterfly wings out of the way. "Because I should let you know that his resistance is futile and your efforts are pathetic. There is no way that –"
"Excuse me, but are you going to start monologuing?" Rukia interrupted him.
"Um...well, well yes."
"Okay, let me save you the trouble, okay. I already know what you're going to say. You're the greatest and my pathetic attempts to overcome you are so insignificant they might as well be invisible. No one can defeat the god that you are and blah blah blah yada yada. It was going to be something along those lines, no?" Rukia asked as she gave Aizen a pointed look.
"Umm..." Aizen looked to Ichigo, who in frozen shock temporarily lost the use of his voice, tried to convey with his eyebrows that yes, you do tend to go off onto a soliloquy and yes it does tend to fall along those lines. But conveying that message through his eyebrows alone would involve Ichigo having eyebrows with the contortionistic ability akin to that of an eastern European gymnast.
"Fine then."Aizen huffed, momentarily losing his surgically implanted smug look. "I'll just kill you without the preamble. I hope that you have a considerably lucrative life insurance policy and a close relationship with whatever higher power you support."
Aizen raised his zanpakutou, but then everyone heard,
Ichigo, Rukia and Aizen looked up to see Byakuya block Aizen's attack on Rukia, but Aizen merely flicked away Byakuya's Death by a Million Paper Cuts attack also known as Byakuya's shikai.
"Byakuya. Abarai." Aizen greeted as if he expected Byakuya and Renji to be there and that's what bugged Rukia and Ichigo the most – the fact that Aizen always seemed prepared. He was the ultimate Boy Scout with an extensive knowledge of knots as he recently proved to the now bound Ichigo.
"Kurosaki," Byakuya turned to Ichigo, "I have to confess that your current predicament is fifty percent due to my nefarious deeds and fifty percent to your ineradicable uselessness in a battle."
"What!" Ichigo cried in annoyance, happy that his voice had returned.
"I know that you want to be with my sister, Kurosaki and I do not approve of this, which is why I went through the trouble of trying to convince Rukia that you were gay."
"WHAT!" Rukia and Ichigo screamed in unison.
"Defeating Aizen was only a by-product of that plan." Byakuya continued as if without interruption.
"But of course I saw through your plan –"
"Yes, yes," Renji interrupted, "We know that you saw through the plan and probably will see through plans that my future children will make. Yes, we get it; you are the all-powerful, all-seeing, all-douche bag Lord Aizen. We get it. Just don't monologue! God! Because of you that battle of Karakura Town could have ended three months earlier. Jeez!"
"But Rukia," Again Byakuya continued as if without interruption because as far as everyone knew, Byakuya only recognized the awesomeness of Byakuya. "I must confess that I have realized that the love that Kurosaki has for you is genuine and strong because no one would willingly put himself in such a situation for the sole purpose of having you live a better life."
"I risked my life by coming to Soul Society when I had only just got my Shinigami powers, fought against that psycho Kenpachi among others just to save Rukia and you NOW realize that my love for Rukia is real! Give me a break!" Ichigo huffed as he shook his head in disbelief.
"Yeah, but you did it for Orihime." Renji contested.
"Oh come on. I can't save Rukia and not save Inoue."
"Why? It would have saved all of us from hearing her say 'Kurosaki-kun' ten billion times. God! She made me want to stick my zanpakutou in my ears!"
"For real. That's true. No doubt there." Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Byakuya nii-sama and Renji, you did all of that just so that I won't be with Ichigo?"
"Yes. We only wanted for you to be truly happy and be with a man that truly deserves you." Byakuya answered.
"Like me." Renji offered.
"Give it up, Renji." Byakuya admonished.
"I understand and appreciate your concern, but nothing will make me stop loving Ichigo."
"This Lifetime movie special is very entertaining, but I must confess that I'd rather not hear it." Aizen interrupted. "It seems like this date has gone belly-up. No one wants to hear my monologue and Ichigo's not 'putting out' as they say, so the only option left is to kill you." Aizen said and with a meagre flick of his zanpakutou Aizen managed to swipe down in one fell swoop Byakuya, Renji and Rukia.
"RUKIA!" Of course it was Ichigo that said that.
In his rage all of Ichigo's reiatsu was replaced by raw, unadulterated brute strength and coolness as Rukia's ice sheet shattered with the force and Ichigo was now free as he stood in front of Aizen with smouldering rage and power. Aizen smirked as he is wont to do, but never got the chance to launch into another suicide-inducing monologue for Ichigo grabbed him by his neck and broke it, while he resisted the mean-little-boy urge to pluck the wings off of Aizen's body. Like a rag doll, he flung Aizen's lifeless body to the side.
"Well that was anti-climatic." Renji murmured in his last breaths.
"Rukia." Ichigo whispered as he rushed to her side and gently lifted her head so that it could rest on his lap. Rukia, rasping her last breaths looked into Ichigo's teary, almond-coloured eyes and said,
"You couldn't have done that all the friggin' time and saved us all the trouble? We could have finished watching 'Inception' by now."
He opened his mouth to reply when he was interrupted with,
Cue the collective groan from all as they now had heard 'Kurosaki-kun' repeated for the billionth and tenth time.
"What are you doing here?"
"The entire Gotei 13 is here and they asked me to come in case anyone needed to be healed. They killed everyone in Hueco Mundo except Grimmjow and Ulquiorra because you have to admit that they were kind of cool."
"Riiiight." Was all Ichigo could manage to say.
"And that's the story of how we got together." Rukia and Ichigo said to the group consisting of Urahara, Yoruichi, Jinta, Ururu, Tessai, Ishida and Chad as they all sat together in Urahara's shop three weeks later.
"So, if it wasn't for The Seretei Communications all of this would never had happened?" Urahara questioned.
"Well technically, if it weren't for Yachiru and Byakuya this would never have happened, but yes I suppose if Ichigo had never read that first article in The Seretei Communications he would have never had known about the whole Ichigo-is-gay rumour." Rukia agreed.
"Yeah, I suppose the Seretei Communications isn't that bad since it did help bring Rukia and me together, in a roundabout sort of way."
"Hmm, well I suppose you wouldn't mind reading one more article, huh?"
Dead Villain in Hueco Mundo Turns Out To Be Ichimaru Gin and Tragically Not That Idiot, Aizen Sosuke.
Reports coming out of the recently burnt to the ground Hueco Mundo reveal that the charred remains of a dastardly villain belonged to that of Ichimaru Gin and unfortunately not Aizen Sosuke. The grizzly death befitting of that egotistical Clark Kent wanna-be was regrettably bestowed upon one of the best villains to ever grace Soul Society, Ichimaru Gin. Captain Unohana Retsu who was the first to discover the body said,
"When I first came upon the body my heart skipped a beat thinking that, finally Aizen died a sick, sad and slowly painful death where his flesh melted off of his body. But upon closer inspection I noticed the wisps of silver hair and the lack of an annoying smug expression. With great sadness I had to call it that it was really Ichimaru that had died and sadly not Aizen."
Soul Society is now in mourning of a truly evil villain that was Ichimaru and not like that chatterbox, Aizen. Captain Commander was quoted as saying,
"It's obvious that Aizen was an incredibly nasty and annoying evil dick, but when it came down to being truly creepy and evil, Aizen fell short of being a true villain like Ichimaru and he deserved a better death. Aizen strove for that pinnacle in evil-doing like Ichimaru, but fell short somewhere between Mojo Jojo and Gargamel of the Smurfs."
The Seretei Communications have been informed that Aizen's body was never found. Instead only a trail of fairy dust and hair gel remained where his body should have been. One of Seretei's longest serving Captain, Captain Kyoraku Shunsui, commented,
"Aizen will be back. He's like herpes. Just when you think he's gone he'll flare up again."
Despite reports that Aizen broke his neck while going deep throat on the Substitute Shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo, it is clear that Aizen is lamentably, not dead and instead, Gin Ichimaru, a true villain, is actually dead.
Efforts to contact Kurosaki Ichigo on how he managed to take down Aizen on a gag reflex alone proved futile. However, it has come to the attention of the Seretei Communications that Kurosaki is keeping a low profile by pretending to be the straight boyfriend of one Rukia Kuchiki in an attempt to stave off fanfics from fangirls everywhere that would inevitably have yaoi stories of men like Aizen, Grimmjow and Byakuya wanting to suck on Ichigo's massive cock.
"That's not what happened!" Ichigo screamed. "Rukia, open a senkai gate. This time I really will kill Hisagi!"
Cue the vultures of foreshadowing. Awk! Awk!
A/N: As they say, that's all folks. Yay me! Another completed fanfic!