Title: The One With Everyone Under Shepard's Bed
Fandom: Mass Effect
Categories: PG, Miranda/Jack, Chakwas/Hannah Shepard
Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all characters, locations, ect. remain the property of BioWare. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: ME Kinkmeme request. 'Any squaddie pairing of your choice decides it'd be titillating to have sex in their Commander's room. Funtimes are interrupted, however, when Shepard unexpectedly returns.'

Miranda felt Jack tense up suddenly beneath her and then suddenly was pushed aside as the other woman bolted upright.

"There's someone outside." Jack said. "Shit, Commander's mission must have ended early."

"God damn it!" Miranda cursed. "I can't believe I let you talk me into this!"

"Hey, you were the one who hacked the Commander's door code." Jack frowned. "Fuck, what do we do?"

"Hide somewhere. Maybe she'll just be a minute. The bathroom?"

"Oh, yeah, what are the odds the Commander would go to the bathroom?" Jack rolled her eyes. "Under the bed – it's the only place she won't look."

Quickly, the two women dived under the bed, Miranda's heart racing as she heard the hiss of the door open. Beside her, Jack frowned, realising she could hear two sets of footsteps enter the commander's quarters.

"Mmm. Oh, this looks very nice." A voice murmured. Miranda frowned. It sounded familiar, but she couldn't quite place it…

"Are you sure about this, Hannah?" A second voice asked, and Miranda blinked as she recognised it as Dr. Chakwas.

"Don't worry. Her yeoman said she won't be back for hours – she'll never even know we were here." The first voice replied, a hint of amusement in her tone. "Trust me, my daughter borrowed my bed for her affairs a few times when she was young – consider this evening the scales."

Daughter?, Jack mouthed, and Miranda nodded, finally placing the voice. Alliance Captain Hannah Shepard, the commander's mother. What the hell was she doing here? Well, besides the obvious, Miranda thought.

"Oh, I've missed you." Hannah whispered, the bed above Miranda and Jack sagging as they felt the weight of the Captain and the Doctor resting on it. "Mmm, it's been too long. I could have had you transferred to the Orizaba, you know…"

"You'd exhaust me, Hannah." Miranda heard the laughter in Chakwas's voice. "If we were on the same ship, you'd leave me nothing but a worn out husk within a week."

"You'd die happy." Hannah replied. "Oooh. You're not exactly easy to satisfy yourself."

Miranda tried to ignore the women above her. This was really a lot more than she ever needed to know about Dr. Chakwas's life. She blushed, imagining how awkward her next physical was going to be. She frowned, as she saw Jack beside her concentrating intently on the noises above them. What? Jack mouthed. Miranda rolled her eyes as the bed shook above them.

"Mmm." Hannah moaned loadly enough that Miranda couldn't ignore it any more. "Oh, you've been a bad girl, Kate, leaving me for Cerberus."

"Maybe I need to be punished." Chakwas panted. "A big strong Alliance Captain needs to show me the error of my ways."

Miranda ignored the smirk on Jack's face, and the bed began to move again above them. Where do they get the energy, she wondered, trying to stop herself from working out what positions they must be trying based on the muffled noises coming from above the bed.

"Shit, we could be here a while." Jack whispered, reaching out a hand to run down Miranda's naked body. "Maybe we could-"

"No." Miranda whispered, shocked.

"Come on, they'll never hear us over-" Jack began, then froze. The noise above them suddenly ceased, as both pairs of women heard the familiar sound of Normandy's elevator stopping outside the cabin door.

"I told you this was a bad idea!" Miranda heard Chakwas whisper above her. "I am not going to be the one to explain this to your daughter-"

"Calm down. I'll talk to her." Hannah Shepard said, her next sentence making Miranda's blood run cold. "You hide under the bed, I'll let you know when the coast is clear. Now, if I can just find my shirt around here…"

Chakwas crawled under the bed, hesitating only a moment when she saw the two women already hiding there. Miranda moved over to give the doctor room, burning with embarrassment as she found herself pressed between the naked women on either side of her.

"Good to see you, Doctor." Jack said calmly, and Miranda felt like she just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

"Miranda. Jack." Chakwas replied. "How long-"

She fell silent as the door opened. The three women heard a set of oddly loud footsteps and an odd whirring noise. Miranda frowned as she tried to make sense of it.

"Shepard-Commander-Progenitor." Legion's voice spoke. Well, that's about the last thing I expected, Miranda sighed.

"Legion, is it?" She heard Hannah speaking. "What are you doing here?"

"Research." The Geth replied. "Collecting data. Analysing."

"What sort of data?" Hannah began, and then Miranda thought she was going mad as she heard the door open again.

"Oh. Captain Shepard. I didn't know you were… um. I should go-" Miranda heard Tali's voice. This has to be a bad dream, she thought. Any moment now, I'll wake up in my own quarters-

She tried to ignore Jack's hand grabbing at her ass. At least, she hoped it was Jack – at this point, she wasn't going to rule anything out.

"Tali'zorah. Good to see you." She heard Hannah calmly speaking. "What brings you by my daughter's room?"

"I. Um. I was just going to feed her fish for her." Tali said hesitantly.

"Her fish." Hannah said, a cold edge to her voice. Miranda wondered how the Alliance captain could remain so calm and commanding even under these circumstances.

"I… alright, it's personal." Tali finally said. "Do we need- why is Legion here?"

"A good question. Legion, you were saying you were collecting data?"

"We have observed individuals of multiple species desire to mate with Shepard-Commander." Legion said. "Sleeping quarters are traditional locations for mating behaviour in organic sapients. We wished to study Shepard-Commander's room for further-"

"Alright, that's enough." Hannah said. "My daughter's… mating habits are not a subject for scientific inquiry!"

"We hypothesise Shepard-Commander's attractiveness to multiple species allows her to better command mixed-species forces in battle." Legion argued. "It may be relevant to defeating the Old Machines-"

"Nonetheless, her quarters are off limits to your… studies." Hannah said. "If my daughter can't trust you to respect her privacy, all your data won't do you or the Geth any good."

"No, there's nothing more intolerable than violating the Commander's privacy." Chakwas murmured.

"Understood, Shepard-Commander-Progenitor." Legion finally said, and Miranda heard the door open again as the Geth left.

"Now, Tali. Would you care to explain what really brought you up here?" Hannah said.

"Er. I wanted… to see if the Commander and I could… link suits." Tali said, almost too softly for Miranda to hear. This is a private conversation, she thought. I shouldn't be eavesdropping like this. She glanced at the woman next to her. Then again, it's not like Jack's making any effort to respect anyone's privacy…

"You were going to ask her to share an atmosphere with you?" Hannah asked, a kinder tone in her voice. "That's rather… intimate, isn't it?"

"I needed to see if it would be possible first." Tali explained. "Humans – there's so much diversity in your people, I don't know how badly Commander Shepard would set off my body's allergic response. I wanted to get some air samples from her quarters before I asked her."

"Is that all?"

"Um. Maybe some skin and hair samples too." Tali said. "I thought her bathroom would have some…"

Legion may actually have a point, Miranda thought. What is it about the Commander and aliens?

"Tali, I'm not going to-" Hannah stopped, and Miranda heard the too-familiar sound of the door opening again. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm feeding the Commander's fish." Yeoman Kelly said. "What? Why are you looking at me like that? Look, I've got fish food here!"

There were several minutes of silence broken only by the soft sound of splashing water as Kelly fed the fish.

"Oh, Captain – the Commander reported in few minutes ago, she was returning to the ship. Seems she resolved that situation with the Eclipse mercenaries faster than expected. She should be back shortly."

"Good, I'm looking forward to seeing her again." Hannah said.

"I saw we make a run for it now, Tali's just going to have to deal with it." Jack muttered.

"Let's give Hannah a few more minutes to get her out of here." Chakwas whispered.

"Can one of you two move over a bit more?" Miranda growled, growing sick of the heat from the two women's naked bodies pressing against her.

"Now, Tali." She heard Hannah say. "I won't tell my daughter – but only on the condition that you do. I'll admit, I don't know much about Quarian biology, but it seems to me you're just looking for ways to avoid talking to Jane. Even if you turn out not to be physically compatible… you still need to tell her how you feel. You can't just go sneaking around behind her back forever."

"Goddamn it, don't comfort her, just tell her to get out of here!" Miranda muttered. "And Jack, that's not moving over!"

Finally, she heard Tali leave, and began crawling out from under the bed. Hannah Shepard blinked once, but otherwise seemed unphased by the emergence of three naked women.

"I have to stop letting you talk me into things like this." Chakwas said.

"Sorry about this, Kate. Next time we'll just rent a hotel room." Hannah smiled. "The other two of you better hurry getting dressed-"

Outside, they heard the sound of the elevator stopping again.

"Doesn't anyone on this ship have a job to do?" Miranda said, racing under the bed again. "If this isn't Shepard this time-"

"Mom!" She heard the door open. "I can't believe you're here."

"Janey!" Miranda sighed as she heard the mother and daughter's reunion. They were going to be stuck here a while longer. "It's so good to see you again! It's been too long-"

"I can't believe you're all the way out here just for me." Miranda saw Chakwas beside her blush as she heard Shepard speak. "I'm so sorry I couldn't talk to you earlier- Wait, why are you wearing one of my coats?"

Miranda's heart stopped for a moment, before she heard Hannah speaking.

"Oh, that? Sorry, Janey – I saw you had a real water shower and I couldn't resist, but I was just about to get in when your Yeoman stopped by. Couldn't find my shirt, so I just grabbed something of yours to throw on while she was here."

"Nice save." Chakwas murmured, and Miranda nodded, glad she wasn't the one having to manufacture explanations.

"Oh, yeah, Cerberus is big on the decadent luxuries." Shepard said. "If you want to use the shower, feel free. I'm sorry this place is such a mess… God, I feel like a little girl again – I can't believe I didn't even make the bed before I left."

"You had a mission to run." Hannah said. "Tell you what, you go take a nice hot shower, I'll straighten this place up a bit for you, then we can have a proper talk."

A few minutes later, Miranda heard the sound of running water, and a moment later Hannah was dragging her out from under the bed.

"Alright, everyone out of here!" She whispered hoarsely. "Quickly, I'm not going to be able to get Jane out of here again."

Miranda paused, reaching under the bed to grab the clothes she'd kicked under here when she'd first hidden there, only to have Hannah grab her again, marching her to the door.

"No time!" She hissed. "I'll get your clothes out in a minute. Go!"

Miranda shivered in the small corridor outside Shepard's quarters, trying not to look at the other two women.

"Shit, did she mean we get our clothes in, like, literally a minute, or just whenever she has time?" Jack finally asked.

"I'm not sure we should be waiting here." Chakwas said. "This part of the ship apparently has far more traffic than I would have thought."

"Jack, why don't you head down to the crew deck and get us all a new set of clothes?" Miranda said.

"Why the fuck am I the one that has to go?"

"Because nobody would really notice if you were completely naked for once rather than just mostly naked." Miranda said.

"Yeah, but the crew is going to notice if I head into your quarters and start grabbing some of your shit, and they're never going to believe I've got your permission to be there." Jack replied. "Maybe if you hadn't been so paranoid about keeping your Cerberus buddies from finding out-"

"I just feel there's some things the crew doesn't need to know." Miranda said. "Doctor, stop laughing."

"Sorry." Chakwas smiled. "We could go to the cargo bay – there's never anyone there, and there's armour stored there. Then we could just go to our quarters and anyone who saw us would think we'd gotten back from fighting the Eclipse with the Commander."

"Sounds like a plan." Miranda nodded.

The elevator ride to the bottom of the ship felt like an eternity. She was pretty sure Jack was intentionally trying to embarrass her further, cheerfully asking Dr. Chakwas about a scar on her back and showing the doctor an apparently medical-themed tattoo on her upper thigh. Finally, they reached the engineering deck, and to Miranda's relief, it seemed abandoned. Tentatively stepping out into the corridor-

"Hmm. Thought I smelled someone coming." A deep voice spoke. Oh God, Miranda thought. We made it this far… of all people, Grunt? "Why no clothing?"

"It's… Lady Godiva day." Chakwas blurted out. "Human tradition."

"Huh." Grunt nodded, apparently willing to accept 'human tradition' as an explanation for any eccentricity. "Shepard does this too?"

"She's… Canadian. They don't celebrate it." Miranda managed to force out, her mouth dry with embarrassment.

"Pity." The Krogan said, before wandering off.

Amazing, Miranda thought, we actually made it the rest of the way to the cargo bay without running into the Citadel Council. Finally she relaxed, once she'd found a crate of spare armour and began putting it on.

"Been a while since I've worn this sort of equipment." Chakwas said. "So, should I ask what you two were doing naked and hidden in the Commander's quarters?"

The doctor winked at her as Miranda tried to think of something to say.

"As if I didn't know." Chakwas smiled. "Planning a little surprise for Shepard? I suppose if she's anything like her mother, it shouldn't surprise me she needs more than one woman. Sorry if Hannah ruined your plans for the evening."

"I…" Miranda swallowed. "Um. Yes. We'll have to try again another night. Er."

"And, of course, the crew doesn't need to know anything." Chakwas winked again.

Finally alone with Jack again, Miranda sighed as she saw a familiar expression on the tattooed woman's face.

"That was fun. Shit, still horny, though." Jack said. "You want to try engineering? Never anyone around this time of night-"

"No." Miranda said.

"Sickbay." Jack suggested. "Doc can't exactly complain."


"Right here in the cargo bay-"

"Jack, is there something wrong with my quarters?" Miranda asked.

"Nah, you're just cute when you're embarrassed." Jack smiled "Shit, we can try your bed for once – guess maybe you've earned it tonight."

"Thank you." Miranda said, as the two women walked out the Cargo bay.

"Hey, look on the bright side – what are the chances this will happen next time we try the Commander's bed?"

Miranda rolled her eyes.