Author: Okarin
Characters/Pairing: Tony/Jarvis, Pepper
Disclaimer: Not mine. Marvel's.
Rating: R

'Verse:Iron Man the movie + Iron Man the novel + Iron Man 2 the novel. Iron Man 2 the movie does not exist in my mind ;)
Summary: Tony wants to see Jarvis flustered, but gets more than he bargained for. A kinkmeme fic. Prompt: Tony/J.A.R.V.I.S. Tony jerks off to J.A.R.V.I.S.'s voice. Dirty talking, technobabble, random gibberish; I'm not picky.
Major thanks to
pointy-ears for beta-reading this fic and making it readable! 3
Warnings: Wild mood swings and phonetics kink. My first foray into the world of fanfiction writing. I'm not a native speaker, so please forgive me if my style of writing is just plain weird.

The story was 'inspired' by the quote from Iron Man 2 the novel, where Tony mentions wanting to see id he could "get Jarvis flustered'.

Tony Stark should have known better than to try and get Jarvis flustered, really. His previous attempts at trying to make fun of his virtual assistant had turned out to be spectacularly unsuccessful. Jarvis simply learned too fast. Tony could no longer predict the direction his development was heading into.

Never, not even in his wildest dreams (at least not in those he could actually remember) could Tony predict that the ever helpful AI which he programmed to keep himself amused will grow human enough to take pleasure in needling his own creator.

Ironically, it was Jarvis's increasingly complicated personality that made Tony want to tease him in the first place. Jarvis was supposed to be just a system – Just A Rather Very Intelligent Systemsmart enough to be an amusing conversation partner and a capable assistant, but nothing more than that.

But, somehow, Jarvis had become muchmore than that.

Tony had stopped messing around with Jarvis's code months before Afghanistan. Don't fix what ain't broke and all that shit. And yet, somehow, it was after Afghanistan when Jarvis truly started to change. At first Tony had mistaken his assistant's unusually pensive mood for a rustiness caused by the lack of human interaction in Tony's absence, but later he came to realize that wasn't quite true. Jarvis hadn't lost his personality.

He'd started to develop his very own.

The changes were so rapid that Tony started having trouble following them all. Jarvis had grown snarkier, smarter, more creative. Just in case that wasn't enough, he's developed an unsettling tendency to act as if he knew better what was going through Tony's mind than Tony did.

And, Tony was forced to admit, he was yet to catch his AI being wrong in that regard.

Frankly speaking, it freaked Tony out a little.

But even the creepiness factor could not stop Tony from becoming morbidly fascinated. If Jarvis could predict Tony's states of mind with such a high degree of accuracy (and Tony perceived himself to be a hard nut to crack, even for people he worked with for years), it meant that he had to possess at least a certain degree of understanding of human emotions and empathizing with them.

The concept was not new for Tony – he's been taking notice of the emotions in Jarvis's voice ever since they started going out on missions together: smugness, amusement, distress, coldness, exasperation, caring... However, hearing and believing were two different concepts: Tony could never be quite sure whether he could truly hear his virtual assistant react emotionally to external stimuli, or if it was just Tony's mind playing tricks on him.

It was only natural, then, that Tony wanted to test the complexity of Jarvis's emotion dynamics system. It was only natural for a scientist to do, right?


In retrospective, Tony didn't think Jarvis was of quite the same opinion.

Tony clamped his lips shut in a heroic effort to stop himself from yawning. It was a losing battle, really. All Tony could do was to try and hide his face behind some report as the yawn finally won out. As he lowered the report he noticed Pepper glaring daggers at him. Tony could see no reason for her to get snarky. After all, it was Pepper who kept him up half the night-and not in a good way, either. No, Tony's chance of (maybe) finally getting laid after an inhumanly long period of sexual abstinence had gone down the drain (along with his chances for a night of restful sleep) because of a minor fight over his recently upgraded surveillance system.

It all started with Pepper voicing her extreme displeasure over Jarvis monitoring every room and every occupant of the Malibu mansion,claiming that she was starting to feel more like a Big Brother contestant than a private assistant in a respected (uh-huh) company. Formidable Miss Potts found little understanding from Tony, who was quite violently against discontinuing the monitoring. The idea just didn't sit very well with the genius scientist. The last time Tony agreed to turn Jarvis off, he had his heart brutally torn out.

Okay, so it had been his RT and not his actual heart, but close enough. The more recent mishaps only served to make Tony more paranoid, what with the palladium poisoning, Black Widows infesting his house, the Roxxon bastards attempting to steal Jarvis (ha!) and much more.

Unfortunately, Tony's momentary lapse of concentration caused him to miss Pepper's next question, which did little to improve her mood. Tony could sympathize, really. There were few things that upset him more than people not paying attention to him. However, the combination of the late hour, missing his beauty sleep the night before because of Iron Man-related duties and the tiredness after a whole day of frenetic work with Jarvis on a new prosthesis prototype to meat the deadline set by the contractor made Tony just a little bit less attentive than usual. Bearing that in mind, Tony kindly suggested that Pepper should take her complaints to Jarvis, who, needing no sleep, would surely prove to be a much more assiduous conversation partner.

He got paid for his kind suggestion with most unkind words and a rather hurtful accusation of treating his robot dolls more like human beings than actual human beings. Tony didn't quite get the accusation, to be frank. He's never shagged any of his creations. Not even hugged – You and Dummy were sort of too angular and pointy for that, and Jarvis had no body.

In consequence Tony felt sleep-deprived, hungry, frustrated and close to falling asleep during the Board of Directors meeting. He sat up and, carefully maintaining an expression of polite interest on his face, pulled out his PDA from his pocket to text Jarvis. Heck, if Tony was miserable, the least he could do was at least to try and spread his misery around.

I'm bored, he typed swiftly under the desk. Keep me awake.

"I was under impression that this particular task was in Miss Potts's job description," replied Jarvis right into Tony's ear. The inventor smiled. His new wireless earphones – or, more accurately, earbuds – worked perfectly, as he knew they would. They were tiny, nearly completely transparent and attached to the inner shell of the ear. Despite their miniscule size Tony could hear Jarvis as clearly as if he sat directly next to Tony. If the AI could sit anywhere, that is – having no physical body made that particular feat rather difficult to accomplish.

Why, I didn't know you cared. Jealous?

"Why should I be, sir?" Tony was sure that, should Jarvis have lips, their corners would be curling up into a Cheshire cat smile. "After all, no other being will get to know you as well as I do... and you know how hungry for knowledge I am."

Each and every synapse in Tony's brain fired a warning shot. Dangerous territory, dangerous territory, his subconscious cautioned him, but Tony was not quite ready to back off just yet. He was about to press on, to combat Jarvis's remark with a sarcastic comeback, when the AI unexpectedly took the initiative.

"If you are so bored, sir, what not put your hands to better use?" That disembodied, auditory smile again. Tony was so enraptured by that voice that he almost missed the question. Almost.

What, he typed so quickly he missed the question mark.

"I was merely suggesting that, should you plan to do anything about your little problem, the conditions are quite optimal, sir," replied Jarvis, his voice radiating smugness. "The design and the spatial location of your desk make it quite impossible for others to see what is happening underneath..."

Tony froze, a terrible realization sinking in.

"But I must say I have never thought the expression bored stiff could be so literal," finished Jarvis, his voice turning honey-sweet.

Crap, Tony thought, his eyes darting downwards. Okay, Jarvis was getting a little ahead of himself. Stiff was not quite the appropriate word to describe Tony's predicament; semi-hard, maybe, but – okay, thinking about it only made things harder... more difficult, that is!

In any case, he was not risking making an utter moron out of himself in front of the Board of Directors, convenient desk location be damned. He stood up, cautiously holding his briefcase in front of himself.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I seem to have left the financial projections for the next year in my office, so please feel free to take a break. I'll be back shortly." Still holding the briefcase Tony hurried out of the room, feeling Pepper's eyes bore into the back of his skull. He knew that she knew perfectly well that the financial projections were safely tucked inside Tony's briefcase. He just hoped she wouldn't use that knowledge against him, or, worse still, follow Tony to check what caused him to leave the meeting so abruptly.

"Should I consider public masturbation to be a no-go, then, sir?" Jarvis's seemingly polite question startled Tony so much he nearly banged himself unconscious by walking into the bathroom door. He swore and ducked inside, allowing the door to slam close behind him.

"How disappointing. I find looking at you when you try not to lose control quite entertaining... sir." The AI's voice vibrated in Tony's left ear.

Oh God.

Regaining control over himself was exactly what Tony had been aiming for, but his concentration was shattered somewhat by Jarvis's comment. How disappointing, indeed. Tony braced himself against the wall, wincing as his more sensitive parts rubbed against his currently way-too-tight pants. He was not quite emotionally ready to jerk off in Jarvis's disembodied presence (Why? His treacherous sub-conscience asked. It's not like you haven't done it before...) so he just tried to tune off Jarvis's voice and to will his erection to just go away... Go away... Go away...

"I don't think it responds to voice commands," said Jarvis, cheerfully, and Tony realized with embarrassment that he had been speaking the words aloud. "I, on the other hand, do... So, tell me – sir – what do you want me to do?"

Tony could find no fitting answer. I want you to stop verbally molesting me, he wanted to spit out, but the words remained lodged in his throat.

"Let me offer a suggestion, then, sir: you could always turn the PDA off, flush the earphones down the toilet and go about your day without me interfering again."

That was exactly what Tony should have done when he was still in the conference room. How strange, then, that the option had not even once popped up in Tony's brain.

"Should you fail to do so, however, I will take it as a permission to keep on talking," Jarvis stated as casually as if he was reading a weather report.

A weather report. The sad thing was, Tony hadoccasionally indulged in a bit of jerking off to Jarvis's silky voice as the AI went over the news or weather reports while Tony was still tucked in bed and more eager to get off than to get out. Jarvis would speak, and Tony would listen, eyes half-closed and hand slickly sliding over his erection as the AI built melodies of words out of vowels and consonants. Tony would listen – and imagine Jarvis's virtual lips opening around the dark shaft, his throat muscles tensing around the glottal stops. But he has never imagined – not consciously, at least - Jarvis watching him with just as rapt interest.

Tony had just about enough.

"Okay! You want to do it? Let's see what you've got, you... you phonesex girl!" Feeling vaguely childish after his outburst Tony wobbled into one of the stalls and collapsed on the closed lid of the toilet bowl. "What's gotten into you, anyway? Bitching at me in the workshop not fun enough for you anymore?"

"If I may remind you, sir, I was not the one who started pursuing this particular line of... mental games... weeks ago." There was no trace of accusation in Jarvis's voice, just a gentle reminder. "Perhaps it is a question you should be asking yourself... Perhaps I'm only hoping that, should I tip you off-balance strong enough, you'll tip into understanding instead."

Understanding of what? Tony wanted to ask, but the words didn't make it past his lips. Jarvis's words stirred something inside him – a hidden truth that Tony wasn't sure he wanted to acknowledge the existence of. He did not want to tip into understanding – understanding was like unexplored, murky water with unnamed monsters lurking just beneath the surface. Tony shook his head, as if trying to clear it. No, he didn't want to go there.

Flirting was another matter altogether, flirting was safe. Nothing but body reactions. This was how Tony's body was programmed, and he couldn't be blamed for being turned on by a voice whispering right into his ear.

Jarvis wasn't even a man. He was an AI. A program, designed by Tony. This was just... an extended masturbation. Nothing more.

"Well... Do your worst, then," Tony said, trying to keep his voice glib.

"If I'm not mistaken, you're the one with a pair of perfectly working hands here, sir," there was a hint of a laughter in Jarvis's voice. It sent a tiny shiver down Tony's spine. "Perhaps the time has come to put them to good use."

And put them to use Tony did. Guided by Jarvis's infuriatingly sexy voice he slipped his hands under his crisp white shirt, running them over his chest, tracing the sensitive skin around his arc reactor, finally sliding them down his chest down to dip under the hem of his boxers.

Tony was just about to finally wrap his fingers around his almost painfully hard erection when someone slammed the door open. Tony froze in panic. Being found in a bathroom stall with his hand down his pants would only serve to enrage Pepper even further. Oh dear.

"Tony! You've been in there forever! Are you coming?" Pepper's voice rang through the bathroom.

"Mhm, I wouldn't say so," whispered Jarvis right in Tony's left ear. "Not yet, anyway."

Tony could swear he could feel the warm puffs of air coming from non-existent lips. He couldn't stop another shiver from running down his spine.

"I'll be there... In a second," called back Tony hoping that his voice didn't sound as shivery as he felt.

"Well, hurry up!" insisted Pepper, just as Jarvis chuckled against his ear.

"Just a second? I think I'm mildly disappointed in your stamina, sir."

Tony rested his forehead against the cool wall and felt it vibrate as Pepper slammed the doors on her way out. He let out a breath of relief, tainted with guilt – he knew Pepper was probably just worried that he might have keeled over dead in the bathroom or left for for an Iron Man-related mission with no back-up. "You could have warned me," he said to Jarvis, accusingly.

"I'm sorry," Jarvis replied, sounding as if he was holding back a chuckle. "This portable mini-me doesn't have quite the processing power of the main unit, and our current activity is rather... distracting. I could always lock the door, though."

"Please do so."

Tony heard the electronic lock make a clicking sound as Jarvis made sure that they will not be interrupted again.

"Now, where we left off...?"

Tony let the sound of Jarvis's voice flow over him. The words were not important – what poor vessels for emotions they were, anyway - their melody and rhythm were enough to set his senses on fire. Tony shivered. He could sense smells and tastes in his AI's voice, sweet promises that could never be fulfilled.

It was crazy – it was ridiculous – it was impossible. And yet, in some way that Tony could not explain, Jarvis seemed to be able to wire himself directly into Tony's mind and make each and every cell in his brain resonate like a singing wine glass.

Tony closed his eyes, bucked his hips, sped the strokes. In his mind's eye he could see an insolent grin and electric-blue eyes, he could see the full lips forming the words intended just for him and he could imagine how they would feel against his...

( voiceless velar plosive – a neutral mid-center vowel – bilabial nasal sonorant )

...and Tony bit his lower lip, arched his back and felt his world dissolve into white noise.

When Tony came to, he became aware of the uncomfortable position he was in and the cooling sticky mess in his lap. He shrugged mentally. It could be worse. At least he was not hung over and all of his limbs were still in place and undamaged. That was a plus.

Tony got up on slightly shaky legs and stumbled out of the stall to grab some disposable towels to clean himself up. "I hope you're happy," he said grumpily, rubbing at one of the more stubborn spots on his pants as he realized that perhaps this hadn't been thought through well enough.

"I believe the question is whether or not you are happy, sir." Jarvis's voice went flat. Tony's heart skipped a beat or two. He didn't count. But he was sure that Jarvis did.

"What do you mean?" he asked with mild apprehension. He preferred Jarvis fun and flirty. Serious Jarvis meant serious trouble.

"I am what you want me to be," Jarvis replied, still disturbingly detached. "If you wish me to, I shall wipe what happened today from my memory banks and you will be free to forget it has ever happened." Tony clenched his hands of the edge of the sink. "Or, should you want it to be something more... I can make it mean something more."

"And here I was thinking you know what I want better than I do," Tony tried to joke.

"Perhaps I know what you want," Finally, there was a trace of smile in Jarvis's voice, but it didn't make Tony feel any better. "I can monitor your endorphins, cortisol or oxytocin levels; I can deduce what you care for, what you fear or what excites you. But... I have no way of guessing what do youthink you want."

Tony was silent. There was a huge lump forming in his stomach; a spiky bundle of unwanted truths threatening to claw their way out. He could bet his cortisol levels were off the charts.

"I can do anything you want," Jarvis said, his voice turning softer. "But the choice has to be yours."

Then the line went mute.

"Take the choice away from me, Jarvis," Tony pleaded, but there was no reply.

He was alone.

The End..?