Nymphomania: An abnormally excessive and uncontrollable sexual desire in women.
Bella makes an interesting first impression on Edward.
"I'm not a nymphomaniac!" I screamed loudly.
Several other customers looked at me shocked. Mothers covered their children's eyes, the older man behind me looked disappointed and the extremely good looking checkout boy in front of me laughed awkwardly and continued piling my 'purchases' into a plastic bag.
I knew the minute it blurted out of my mouth I'd made a mistake.
"What about condoms as balloons?" I thought out loud amidst the party planning for my best friend's 21st.
I don't know why I'd said it. It seemed like a brilliant idea inside my head. Well, actually it is a good idea.
I'm not sex maniac and neither is Rosalie. I'd known her since freshman year of high school and we became friends after our first Sex Ed class.
She'd boldly asked how big an erect penis is. It stumped the teacher, Mrs Flannigan, a substitute who'd been forced to take this class. She had greying hair and I'd worried Rose's comment would go straight to her heart, especially when she started clutching her chest. I thought she was going to drop dead in front of the class.
"Did you know a panda's penis is only 3 cm long?" Shy little I bravely said.
What, it's true!
I was trying to break the ice, ok. Or at least prevent a heart attack.
Mrs Flannigan promptly changed the subject to the female menstrual cycle after that.
Rose had always been known for her gutter mind track and was the first of the three of us to, ahem, play the fiddle, so to speak.
It was, and still is, code for the act.
Tyler was her boyfriend at the time, he was an alright guy to steal little Rose's bow (so to speak) until he dumped her. Let it be known I have one hell of a karate kick and we were all worried whether any little Tyler's would make an entrance into the world after my little stunt. But, hey, my parents no longer feared me moving to the big city after graduation.
Alice agreed that condoms as balloons were a wonderful idea, ordering that I must buy them. I protested and I failed. Alice you could say is the ring leader. She holds the lead and directs us where to go, though sometimes she leads us astray. Today being a great example.
I met her after the Sex Ed debacle in the cafeteria line with Rosalie. She told me she did in fact know my little trivia and that was the reason why pandas were becoming extinct. They couldn't get their little dicks deep enough to penetrate and impregnate – her words not mine.
As I stood in that aisle I couldn't help berate myself. If only my little 14 year old mind could've kept her mouth shut I wouldn't be here trying to decide whether the ribbed or the glow in the dark would be better as party balloons.
I decided that the party would not be in the dark therefore the glowing ones were pointless.
I sighed I wouldn't trade Rose and Alice for anything, not even a life without out the embarrassment of choosing the best condoms for party balloons.
I debated between coloured and clear. I didn't understand why manufactures would even make coloured condoms in the first place. Once it was in why did the colour even really matter?
If there weren't so many options people wouldn't spend so much time in this aisle and I wouldn't be a magnet for perverts. I prepared to grab whatever my hands could find in the next twenty seconds. The elderly gentleman at the end of the aisle was slowly making his decent with his walker. I'd been here that long. He was about three walker drags away, hence why I only had approximately 20 seconds before he was in touching region, or I grabbed the ribbed and ran.
It was then, right next to the pregnancy tests (ironic, huh), that I spied them.
ASSORTED, COLOURED, 24 PACK, ON SPECIAL
I grabbed three packets; condoms were only 97% effective, they break, so I'm sure some will pop. And besides, it never hurts to have spare condoms lying around.
God, I'm starting to sound like Rosalie!
I made my way to the registers and waited patiently, trying to hide what I was holding without looking like I was trying to steal them. An older woman was on. Good. I'd be able to get out of here easily with an awkward glance and an apologetic smile.
"Excuse me can I put you through?" Oh My God. He is beautiful, hot, fuckable, magnificent... I thought as I drooled over the specimen before my eyes.
My eyes widened as he waited patiently for me to move. I was frozen I did not want this beautiful guy to see me purchasing 72 condoms. He will probably think I am some sort of sex maniac or prostitute.
Then he smiled, and God I think I died. It was not one of those ideal straight Hollywood smiles. But it was utter perfection. His green eyes were staring into mine causing my befuddled brain to mumble, "Ok," and my feet to begin walking.
He led me to the next register and turned on the conveyor belt. I put my purchases on it and as he picked up the first one that was when I screamed,
"I'm not a nymphomaniac."
I was shocked at my outburst. He was too, but he laughed smoothly, like it happened every day. He responded with a polite,
"I'm sure you're not, ma'am." Amusement was dancing in his eyes.
"It's miss actually." I'd always hated ma'am, as it made me feel 100 years old. I felt the need to reassure the Adonis that I was not attached, so I added, "I'm not married, or engaged, single actually." I flushed red, realising what I'd said. His eyes flickered to the condoms.
"I'm not a prostitute either," I started rambling, trying to cover for my outbursts, "I don't even have sex! I don't like it." I was embarrassed and talking extremely loudly. He was slowing down.
Goddamit! I only had three items, move faster man!
"I mean, I do like sex!" I continued trying to make myself seem normal, "It's great, I love it," Parents were now covering their children's ears, "I'm just saying I don't have sex often, I'm not a prude though, but I'm not a whore!" I demanded slapping my hand down on the counter.
He chuckled slightly, "Ok," he said slowly, cautiously, like I was a deranged woman demanding that she was not a sex addict. "That's $29.95." He said finally.
I threw $30 down on the counter, grabbed my plastic bag and ran out of the store. Children were dragged out of my way while I dodged the elderly men. Thankfully checkout boy number 3 was the only hot guy in that store otherwise I may have had to convert to lesbianism.
I made it out of the store. It was raining. The tiled ground was slippery. Feet please don't fail me now. If I die I might just have geriatrics stealing my corpse and using my 'purchases'.
Just as I was about to step off the tiles onto the bitumen I saw Jacob. I didn't know what to do. His crass ass would make some sort of joke about the products in my little plastic bag. I turned to run, but being me I slipped falling flat on my butt.
Jake saw me.
He laughed. I groaned and laid down on the wet, slippery, hard surface with the rain falling on my face.
"Bella, you're always falling for me, but I've told you. I root the other team." He winked holding out his hand. I grabbed it and he pulled me off the ground. We walked back under cover and sat on a bench.
"Oh, Jacob, I'm so glad you told me that." I said sarcastically before adding, "And isn't it root for the other team."
"We all make mistakes." He said sympathetically before laughing. "And root means to have sex in Australia." He laughed again and I rolled my eyes. "So, what are you doing at Wal-Mart?" He asked.
I grimaced, "Getting supplies for Rose's party." I told him the full truth. It was a mistake though. His eyes immediately lit up. Jake was like Alice in some regards. While Alice planned compulsively, Jake was more spontaneous. But you were always granted that if a party was thrown by either of the two it would be 'off the chain', as the kids say.
"Let me see!" He started bouncing on the wooden bench. I clutched the bag tightly in my hand. I knew it wouldn't stop Jake from ripping it from my clutches, but I was going to try.
"No!" Jake stopped bouncing, "It's, uh, women's supplies." I lied.
He eyed me suspiciously all the while glancing between me and the plastic bag.
"Did I not get notified that Rose's 21st is now an orgy?" He asked. The question threw me. What is he on about?
"No, it's not an orgy, why do you ask?"
"Because the products in that bag all say ANSELL." He laughed and I released my grip on the bag.
"I decided it would be a good idea to use them as balloons." The bench was now shaking with Jake's laughter. Wal-Mart really needed to update these benches. I'm scared I'm going to end up on my ass for a second time today the way Jake is laughing.
"Please stop laughing." I begged. He was drawing attention to us and I recognised some of the onlookers as the mothers in the store.
Jake tried to calm himself, "Alice?" He asked between gags. I assumed he was shocked that Alice agreed.
"She thought it was a good idea, considering the way we all became friends." Jake knew the story and, of course, this caused his laughing to amplify. He turned into one clapping grannies you find in the cinemas. You know the ones, when their laughter gets too much to handle they pull out the seal claps. Jake was slapping his thigh.
"Shut up, Jake!" I smothered his mouth with my hand, "Do you know how embarrassing it is to buy 72 condoms!"
"7 *laugh* tee *laugh* 2 *laugh* con *laugh* con *laugh* condoms!" Jake practically wet his pants. I frankly don't know what was so funny about it.
"Goodbye Jacob." I stood to leave.
He sobered up and grabbed my wrist, giggles still erupting from his mouth. "Bella, wait."
I waited, still standing, as Jake inhaled deeply trying to control himself.
"Did you say 72 condoms?" He said relatively calm. His mouth twisted into a slight smile and then he quickly tried to rearrange it into a serious face.
"Yes, well condoms break and stuff." I mumbled looking at my shoes. I could feel my face was on fire.
"I wish I'd seen you do that."
"Do what?" My head snapped up to see Jake fighting a smile.
"Buy them; you practically crawl into a hole whenever someone says the word penis. I can't imagine it," he said wistfully looking at the storm clouds. His eyes suddenly found mine, "Go back and buy some more." He smiled.
"NO!" I screamed at him, "It was horrible, Jake. Old men eyeing me up, mothers shielding their kids from me, the hot guy in which I told I liked sex. IT. WAS. HORRIBLE!" I outlined for him, while poking him in the chest, as he tried to drag me back into the store.
I slumped down on the bench, hiding my face behind the plastic bag, "Dear God, he was beautiful. Checkout three." I added because I knew Jake was going to run off and check him out.
He returned quickly chewing on a mars bar. "That man was panty dropping." Jake said in awe.
"I know." I groaned.
"Good news, he's not gay." Jake smiled and I peeked out from behind my shield. He was grinning from ear to ear. Jake prided himself on his gaydar. "Want me to get his number for you?"
"No!" I screamed at him again, "he'll probably think I'll want payment or something." Jake eyed me like I was insane. "I'm going, I've got to get these to Alice, see you tonight?" Rose's party was tonight. I needed to get home and start blowing them up.
"Sure, honeybee." He said sweetly. It threw me, he was laughing at me just two seconds ago.
"Okay, see you." I waved suspiciously and walked to my truck.
Rose, Alice and I rented our own quaint little place two blocks away from college. Quaint meaning our own shit-box of a house. It had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a lounge and a mailbox, what more could one ask for? Maybe decent plumbing? But at least we had a roof over our heads. Our first two years we stayed in the dorms. This year we decided to become independent.
The place was a dump when we first started renting it. Ok, it's not that bad, nothing a good paint job didn't fix, but I'm pretty sure the previous tenants grew pot in the garden shed out the back. We haven't been able to open it and when we first moved in there were some pretty distinguishable smells being emitted. Upside is that rooming with Alice and Rose means that the interior and exterior looks pretty phenomenal.
Alice is studying design and marketing, while Rose is doing mechanical engineering. Rose is working on the plumbing; it only conks out once a week at the most now. I'm the girl who in high school sat absentmindedly doodling while the rest of the class planned their life long careers. I'm majoring in English.
I pulled my truck into the driveway next to Alice's little sporty yellow Porsche. Graduation present from her parents, can you believe it? I got a watch. The watch doesn't work anymore.
I walked in to see Alice.
"Bellaaaaa!" She squealed. She was jumping up and down. That's not unusual. Her voice on the other hand was strangely high, and squeaky. She sounded like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks.
There were two tanks beside her; they were almost the same height as her too. "Alice, what are these, and what happened to you voice?"
"Helium." She grinned in the same high pitched squeal. She let out a breath. "Did you get them?" Her voice returned to normal.
I threw the plastic bag at her. "Alice, I can never go to Wal-Mart again, ever." I said throwing myself on the couch.
She rolled her eyes, "Bella, they're just condoms, everyone uses them, and besides, why would you want to go back to Wal-Mart anyway."
"Alice, you should've seen the checkout guy." I groaned, remembering. I threw a pillow over my face in the hope of smothering myself, or at least the embarrassment.
"Was he cute?"
I lifted the pillow.
"He was an 11." I told Alice and her jaw dropped. She'd only found one 11 in her whole life. She is now Facebook stalking him. He's a friend of Emmett, Rose's boyfriend, also Rose's own personal 11. His name is Jasper and she has no guts to ask Emmett to introduce her to him.
Eleven's were rare. And I'd just lost my chance.
"I'm sorry B." Alice hugged me as I got up off the couch. "How about we fill these condoms with helium to try to cheer you up?" She said tearing into the first box.
The good this about renting this place is the parties. You could fit more people in our place than our entire dorm level.
There were at least 50 assorted, coloured, condom shaped balloons attached to our ceiling. 12 of them broke; the other ten were now in the vanity cupboard of the bathroom mirror.
The house was packed. Jake was here with a guy, a girl from my class, Angela and her boyfriend Ben, were admiring our balloons, I was hiding from an old boyfriend, Mike, and Alice was playing the perfect party hostess by directing some guys in, and instructing them where to put the keg. I didn't even know them.
Her cell chirped with a text. "Emmett says they're round the block." I quickly turned off all the lights and told everyone to stop moving. We couldn't exactly all hide in the pantry.
A body moved behind me and I froze. Please don't let it be Mike. "I have something for you." Jake whispered in my ear and I exhaled in relief.
"I can see the car lights." Alice called and I heard the engine of Emmett's Jeep cut.
Jake quickly shoved his hand down my top, putting something in my bra and I elbowed him in the ribs just as the front door opened.
The lights flicked on and everyone shouted "SURPRISE!" at a stunned Rosalie. She was never one to be out of the loop and seeing as her birthday was tomorrow we'd caught her off guard.
"Shit." Was what she said and we all laughed. Alice and I launched ourselves at her.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" We chanted.
"Aw, thanks guys." She said as the other guests broke out the kegs. "Are these condoms?" She asked. Alice laughed while I slinked away to get a beer. Alcohol seemed to control the blush factor. I could be naked after a couple of drinks and not feel an ounce of shame.
Jake found me first and handed me a Cruiser. I thanked him and then pulled the piece of paper out of my bra.
It had a phone number on it, "What's this?" I asked him taking a sip of my drink.
"Checkout boy number three's number." He grinned while my drink dribbled down my chin from shock.
"What." I deadpanned. "He gave you his number?"
"No, a, uh, friend of his gave it to me." He smiled. He was hiding something, but I was more concerned with checkout boy number three's number in my hand.
He was an 11. My inner voice whined.
"No," I said forcing the square piece of paper into Jake's hand, "I made an ass of myself, I am not calling him."
"No, he was hot Bells; just keep the number, save it for a rainy day." He smiled and walked away. I downed my drink. Just thinking about checkout boy number 3 made me want to find that hole I was digging and crawl into it.
The night from then on got a little fuzzy. Rose had a good time; she was definitely on a table at some point. Alice was hanging off this blonde guy, he was cute, I think. I couldn't tell because my vision was blurred. I don't know if that's from the alcohol I drank or the fact I somehow lost one of my contacts.
Mike was getting annoying though. Just because you date someone doesn't mean you're obligated to be their booty call for the rest of your lives!
I told him this.
"Come on Bella, just this once." He slurred slightly.
"Mike I have a boyfriend!" I retaliated, slurring also. I took another sip of whatever I was drinking. I couldn't seem to remember how much I'd drunk.
"For real?" Mike asked sounding all gangster.
"Yup! He's coming over now." I pried my phone out of my pocket. A white piece of paper came with it.
I stared at it. Checkout number three! I remembered. I dialled the number.
He picked up on the third ring sounding half asleep, "Hello." He mumbled.
"Checkout boy number 3!" I sang, "Remember me?"
A/N So I thought I wasn't going to be posting another story for a while, but here I am.
Tell me what you think. Too stupid, immature, do you want more? Review and I'll continue.