Hi Everyone, Here's a short little oneshot I wrote the other day. I like it and I hope you do too! Please review! It's a look into Lelouch's head. Father haunting ahead!
Destined to die
"You are dead," said the dispassionate king.
You are weak.
You are nothing.
The words continue to haunt the boy eight years later-he's no longer a boy now, no, but the young man still dreams of those words. He has nightmares, sometimes, and it takes everything within him not to reach out and clutch at the rough, tanned hand of the other that always sleeps next to him.
He makes sure never to wake Suzaku.
Not because of this; this nightmare is private.
Suzaku has nightmares, and they are loud and full of pain. He wakes Lelouch sometimes, crying out quietly in his sleep until the sounds are soothed away. Kisses and touches and soft murmurs; it is has always been strange to Lelouch, knowing that Suzaku hates himself so very much and yet craves love desperately, reaching out constantly for something that he still tries to deny himself. He drowns in loathing and guilt, and Lelouch can't help but wonder just how long it will be until Suzaku finally goes under.
So he gives what he can, what he can afford to give-his heart is in fragments, but he remembers that some things are safe to love, are all right and acceptable to love-and tries to ensure that this white knight is another thing that he must keep safe for the new world.
No matter how dark the dragons may be, Lelouch knows that the white knight will always remain chivalrous and kind, defending the weak and protecting those that others hold dear. The knight holds to a code of honor that most cave under: this knight, however-this knight Lelouch will protect as much as he can because he knows that there are some dragons that even the chivalrous cannot defeat.
But he can.
Lelouch weathers through his own nightmares alone because, while Suzaku is tormented by the deaths that he had caused, the other dreams again and again of the lives that he was too weak to save. Suzaku never has to worry about his dreams when he awakens: the dead are truly dead, gone forever. They only come to visit in the night time, when midnight strikes and all Suzaku has are memories-and Lelouch.
And Lelouch stays, night after night, and he remains vigilant, playing the knight for once and making sure that Suzaku never allows himself to drown. Suzaku will continue on, despite the pain, despite the guilt, despite his hatred because Lelouch will allow for nothing else.
You have been dead since the day you were born.
Lelouch lives his nightmares, day after day after day. He remembers them each time he looks at Nunnally, flashbacks of screaming and crying and so much grief and loneliness. Sometimes he tries to forget what his mother's face looked like, but he knows that the effort is futile-her death has made him into who (what) he is now. She stays with him, day after day after day, and he carries the burden of her death like the cross of the pariah. Branded outcast, branded traitor, branded revolutionary, Lelouch calls himself Zero because he is-and will one day become-nothing to the world.
He is dead.
Suzaku can forget his demons, should he one day choose to finally let them go.
Lelouch can never have that option because he has become that very same demon: he's broken every mirror in his bedroom because every single time he looks into the glass, all he sees are violet eyes. Meet your demons, relive your demons, become the demon that haunts you-
Lelouch will become Emperor so that he may smash to pieces everything that he's finally gained. To destroy his own empire.
Your existence is a mistake.
Lelouch is dead, Lelouch is nothing.
He has allowed himself to die so that the living can live on, walking over his grave to face the dawn of a better tomorrow. He breaks the world with the infinite possibilities that creates; Lelouch calls himself Zero because one doesn't remember something that never existed in the first place.
The dead are eventually forgotten.
Lelouch has been waiting for that day to come.