Returning the Pain


I am writing this solely for my own amusement.

This is basically a collection of one-shots, though there are a few running gags and meta-references that tie them (loosely) together. If you think that one needs to be a longer (or simply better) story, feel free to write it yourself. I don't own these characters, and I have a very short attention span.

I honestly don't recommend reading them all at once; just a few at a time. Like people, individually they are amusing; but collectively they are tiresome.

They are rated 'M' for a reason: a certain level of Maturity is expected on the part of the reader. (Unfortunately, for the writer that is a ship that has long since sailed.) They were originally intended to be humorous; yet looking back, I can see that there is a decided trend toward the... sinister. They can also be vulgar, lewd, and -in at least one case- positively vile.

Please don't take any of it too seriously.

I think that the early 'Naruto!' manga plot had a lot of potential, in terms of the archetypal Hero story and Japanese folklore and storytelling tradition. Kishimoto totally dropped the ball around Shippuden, and most of the people on this site… well, it may simply be that our interests in the story are mutually exclusive.

That being said, however, my intention here is not to write something better.

"I'll return the pain a thousand times over!" - Uzumaki Naruto, to Mizuki


The mist closed in, and a suffocating Killing Intent filled the air. The Uchiha whimpered.

"Don't worry, Sasuke!" Kakashi shouted. "I don't let my comrades die!'

"Really?" a disembodied voice seemed to echo through the encroaching fog. "Then where did you get that eye?"

Kakashi stumbled, and Zabuza took advantage of the opening.


Haku and Zabuza walked out of Gato's office, where they had just deposited the heads of an old man and four Konoha ninja.

"Like taking candy from a baby," the Swordsman chuckled, counting out a thick wad of bills.


If you didn't laugh at this one... Well, in any case, it's the thought that pops into my head every time I read that line from Kakashi.