Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon. Toei Animation.
Summary: Matt and Tai discuss the perks and downsides to their careers. Post 02 Epilogue. CRACK fic!
A/N:Remember, this fic is CRACK, people, and nothing is to be taken seriously, so don't take offense at anything and just enjoy the insane-ness of it all.
Ambassador and Astronaut
Tai gave Matt a warm smile as he ushered his long-time friend into his apartment complex and readied drinks for them.
"It's nice to see you again, Matt," he said. "You know, in the flesh, and not on television all the time."
"Yes, it's been a long while, hasn't it?" Matt said.
"Five years," Tai agreed, handing Matt his glass and seating himself in the chair across from him. "It'll be nice catching up. So, how's it going with you?"
"Well, I'm feeling sort of blue lately. It's just you know, after traveling through the Digital World in my youth, then the all over the real world for concert tours, and now I've finally gone into space and visited the moon… I just feel so insignificant. Like there's nothing else to conquer," Matt perused woefully.
"Sounds like the world's got another case of Alexander the Great. You know, I'm having a hard time figuring it out. I never would have pictured you as an astronaut. I mean from rock star/pop idol to spaceman? It's sort of unbelievable," Tai said.
"Oh, it's quite simple actually," Matt said, swishing the liquid in his glass around. "Back then, I had an intense rivalry with an American singer who also used to be part of a band. Maybe you've heard of him? Lance Bass from N'sync? Yeah, apparently, he randomly decided to try the whole rock star to spaceman thing too, but you know us Japanese. We can't let the Americans outshine us, so I graciously offered to be our pop idol to astronaut poster-boy when I heard the government was looking. Make sense now?"
Tai was gaping widely. "In a totally disturbing fashion," he admitted.
Matt smirked at him in a kind of Oh yeah, I know I'm badass type of way. "But enough about me," he said. "How about you? You enjoy being the First Ambassador to the Digital World?"
A grin sly enough to challenge Matt's broke out across Tai's face. "Hoo, yeah. More than you will ever know."
The ringing of the phone interrupted the flow of the conversation, but Tai made no move to pick it up and let it continue it ring until the answering message popped on.
"Hello, this is Taichi Kamiya, you know, Leader of the Digidestined, Child of Courage, First Ambassador to the Digital World, I could go on, but I don't want to overwhelm you with my outstanding credentials and otherwise sheer awesomeness. I'm not here obviously; I'm probably diggin' it down in the Digital World being revered as a god by hero-worshipping Digimon. Either that or I'm up at Digi HQ sucking up to my boss, Mr. Fujiyama—someone please explain to me how my old elementary-school teacher got that position anyway and why his partner is Ogremon, apart from them possessing scarily, similar, physical attributes—and ensuring him I'm not taking advantage of my status to warp the minds of innocent Digimon, haha! Please leave a message at the tone, thanks!"
"Tai, this is Izzy. I'm calling you as a Digital Researcher today, not a friend—and I thought we had talked about you changing that ridiculous voicemail. What if one of your superiors calls and hears that? You'll be demoted so fast you won't have time to blink, Chosen Child or not. Ahem, anyway, I've been assigned this task of pointing out several areas of professional decorum required of First Ambassador by Digi HQ since it has been brought to their attention that you are severely lacking in certain expertise. I wish I had caught you when you're home, but no doubt, you're probably there listening to me drone on like a fool and purposefully not picking up the phone."
There was a short pause where Izzy waited, Matt stifled laughter and Tai made frantic shh-ing motions with his hands even though Izzy couldn't possibly hear them. Finally, Izzy continued on with a slightly annoyed lilt in his tone.
"Alright, if that's the way you want to play it, Tai. I shall state a brief overlay of conditions you need to work on and I will go over these in more detail when I see you in person next time:
"First off, the higher-ups are concerned that you may be corrupting the unique culture of the Digital beings without them being able to share their own customs with us beforehand. Now that the real and Digital World are combined, 'we must learn to co-exist in harmony and respect all traditions in both societies'—yes, I am quoting them, Tai. The simple facts are, you may find it amusing to inform the Digimon who are about to traverse to our world that humans will no doubt use the cute, furry ones as hug-pillows, rock-types as lawn ornaments, and that ones with animal attributes will first be looked upon as exotic pets and subjected to much cuddling and petting, installs an unwanted fear for their prospective partners regardless that it all may come true. Likewise, having the gall to tell the Human Welcoming Committee that Matt's song, 'Digimon Are The Champions', has become the Digimon National Anthem and if they do not sing it upon the new arrivals' transcendence into the real world, that the Digimon will be greatly offended is an uncouth, blatant lie and liable to have you court-marshaled.
"Further more, teaching the Digimon to say phrases such as 'All your base are belong to us' as well as other internet memes is not in fact, what you may think, giving them a crash course in human culture on the basis that this will be familiar because they themselves, are a kind of digital phenomenon. Accordingly—"
Beep! Went the machine signifying Izzy had run out of the allotted time and space allowed and had been cut off mid-speech, something Tai was prone to suffer his wrath for later.
"You made my song the Digimon National Anthem? I'm touched," Matt said grinning. "Aren't you worried though? It sounds like you've pissed off the higher-ups major."
"Nah, it's no big deal," Tai shrugged off. "They've just been getting pressure from the Prime Minister who's still insulted that his partner 'attacked' him upon first sight. I tried telling them that totally wasn't my fault. In Japanese society, people bow as a greeting and his bald head proved too much of a target and temptation for Monochromon not to charge. Besides, it's a sign of affection for Monochromon to head butt someone—the old kook just doesn't believe I didn't tell his partner to do that as a joke."
"So I guess being Ambassador isn't as boring as I thought it was."
"Best. Freaking. Job. Ever." Tai emphasized, turning a flushed giddy pink in the face with pleasure.
"Lucky you," Matt stated, sounding a bit put out, still mourning his own loss at having no worlds left to conquest.
"Hey, cheer up, Matt," Tai said, clapping his friend on the back. "Have you ever considered the possibility, now that Digimon have merged with our society, to explore outside our solar system inside Imperialdramon, especially since he can apparently travel in the blink of an eye?"
Matt was silent for a moment and he took in all that was said wide-eyed.
"BRILLIANT!" he shrieked crazily, leaping up and throwing his hands up in the air, glass and all. Then whipping out his cell phone covered in Garurumon-dyed cloth material, he made three calls: one to his agent and the other to Davis and Ken.
"It's cool with them," he shared once finished. "My manager is all for making 'cashing into this prize cow', Davis is excited to become the first Ramen Chef in space and possible trader to alien cultures and Ken just wants a vacation from Yolei who's been clamoring that they should have another kid."
"That girl just can't keep her hands off him, can she? Poor thing," Tai said, shaking his head. "What's Sora going to say about you leaping off into the deep abyss of space though?"
"She gave me an ultimatum before I came here: I could help her conquer the fashion industry or I could go mope someplace else. And Tai, I am not posing in the DigiBeat magazine in a kimono dressed up like a geisha. So I think I'll let her know my whereabouts the minute I pass by the planet Pluto," Matt stated.
"The scientists have all convened, Matt. Pluto isn't a planet anymore."
"I am the freaking Chosen Child Rock Star Astronaut!" Matt growled. "I say it's a planet, my word is law, and my fans will obey."
To: Taichi Kamiya
From: Digimon HQ
Our esteemed Prime Minister has heralded that all government employees are to be dressed accordingly in a manner benefiting of their profession, and it has been called to our attention that your decorum has been most inappropriate of late. You will exchange your often-times loud, crude and off-color articles of clothing and replace them with a standard set of one:
1. black pair of dress slacks
2. black dress jacket and vest
3. white dress shirt
4. black dress shoes
5. black dress socks
6. black tie
7. white Y-front underwear (boxers with soccer ball print are not permitted—do not inquire as to how we know this information)
Pinstriped suits, fedora hats, bow ties and two-tone shoes are against regulation. We are an embassy, not a collaboration of gangsters regardless that half our ambassadors are partnered to Gazimon. Let it be duly noted that an issue has been raised against you instructing them to wear sunglasses and flip ten-yen coins while standing shadily in alleyways.
Also, the style of which you wear your hair has come into question and it has been deemed most unnecessarily vulgar. You will cut it down to size of no less than two-inches high or you will be relieved of your post. You have 24 hours to comply and report in so we can verify that you have rectified your behavior.
"SON OF BI—!"
Tai's violent swearing was blocked out by the shrill beeping of the microwave going off and Izzy smiled wryly at him over his mug of coffee.
"I did try and warn you," he said, savoring the expression of righteous indignation on his friend's face.
And thousands of light years away, Matt, Davis and Ken were shouting quite exhilarated as they urged Imperialdramon to blast through an asteroid field and take a short cut to outrun a comet.
A/N: I don't know what I just wrote, only that I was laughing as I typed most of it, so hopefully, it was funny. This was just me trying to make light of a situation that had everyone scratching their heads and going "what" when they learn what paths were chosen for their beloved characters. Now for the first time ever, I find myself actually liking that WTF Epilogue. XD
Oh, and the whole Matt paralleled Lance Bass thing? Totally not my own idea. Venus9814 is to be given the credit for that creative mind-gem. 'Cause she's awesome like that^^
So, I would love to hear what your favorite parts were or what made you fall out of your chair laughing. Please review; a fanfic author gets paid in nothing else! Thank you, I hope you had fun reading!